bluegansey: padme amidala on a blue background (padme amidala blue)

 So I started seeing a new therapist today? It was... okay. I don't know. It's a little weird because she talks really soft and is really comforting and it kinda sets me on edge but I really don't know how to say that. Also, hypnotherapy. About The Discourse™. And I got Dairy Queen after.

Other than that... not much else? Got beta notes back for Lights 5, and it should be ready to post tomorrow, which is... relieving and also I feel anxious but. Relief. I'll hold onto that. I also watched Black Mirror -- finished White Bear (which. Damn) and watched Men Against Fire (which. Nice). I think I really like Black Mirror. And School Group Chat Things; that was fun. I made this because. It's us.

white people are crazy meme but with "white people" scribbled out and "seecers" written over it

And I called Keith an edgelord and it's his name now. And I'm EXHAUSTED, I'm going to bed.

bluegansey: allison argent laughing and smiling with a pink background (allison argent pink)

 I ACTUALLY GOT WRITING DONE. ON LIGHTS. IT'S BEEN MONTHS. I FINISHED EDITING CHAPTER FIVE AND TOMORROW I'M SENDING IT TO BETA AND AHHHHHHHHHHH. I'm actually feeling The Star Wars Vibe right now, and I actually want to catch up on Rebels and finish this damn story and WHAT IS THIS. GOD. My body is READY. I mean. I'm still feeling awful mentally (for Discourse Reasons) and tired all the time (for No Reason) but still. This is good. Caring about SW is good.

I also... I dunno, man. My mom got back from Seattle, Zoe came over and we talked about discourse and shipping and sexuality and all kinds of fun stuff, and I made brownie batter and also an undercooked egg/pepper/onions/bacon/cheese thing, and facetimed with my dad, and not much else.

bluegansey: leia organa holding blaster and looking determined on a red background (leia organa red)

 Well, things happened today. Significant things. Basically I got a "callout" for pointing out that mentally ill people cannot control intrusive thoughts and also that shipping is fine. So I'm now officially a Pedophile Apologist™ and I got my first anon hate. It was pretty basic, just "you're disgusting", but still. I was laughing about it mostly but now I'm kind of... upset... and I feel like I'm gonna break down as soon as I go to bed. So that's fun. I was talking to Rie and Sasha about it a bit but... it helped and then it was over and so it wasn't helping. And I kinda just need to cry, probably, because god, I'm so tired.

Other things, just quickly -- I finished formatting this fic on Sigil and now it's an epub! I'm so glad that non-ao3/ffn fics can now go on my kobo. A bit of effort, sure, but it can still happen. I read over the Bad Thing I wrote last night and it's lowkey terrible but whatever. Janna was here, we went to Costco for food, it was good. And my brother and I are trying to convince my mom that adopting a cat (his friend's cat had kittens) would be in our best interests.

ETA: I also wrote 370 words of a Bad Ship concept. it's bad. i don't care.
bluegansey: allison argent laughing and smiling with a pink background (allison argent pink)

 It's been wayyyy to long since I did an entry, whoops. This school week I was on Galiano! I wasn't super looking forward to it, because it was just about forest restoration and we had to sleep in tents, but. Well. The first day, it was snowing. REALLY HARD. So tents were out (though a couple of people slept in them anyway bc??? idk???) and that was okay. And then the forest restoration part was SUPER INTERESTING. The first day we built the borders of our plots (in groups of 4, I was with Mila, Sinead and Conner), the second day we mapped it and marked down the tree information, and the third day we did some calculations and chose which trees and how many trees to Mark For Death (if the conservancy gets money for it). It was really cool to learn about the health of forests and how forests can recover -- or not -- after being clearcut, and yeah. We also got to pull over a tree and it was AMAZING (even if Sinead and Conner did most of the pulling, which Mila shouted encouragement and I helped guide the course of the tree so it didn't get caught in another tree). I learned SO MUCH IT WAS SO GREAT.

The sleeping was... not so great. The first night was the worst night I'd had in a good long while, because my ground mat was TERRIBLE and NOT INFLATED PROPERLY so it hurt to much to sleep on either side. I ended up mostly sleeping on my stomach and my neck got FUCKED UP. And then the fire died in the night so I could see my breath in the air when I woke up for the final time in the morning. Also I hate sleeping bags to it was mostly unzipped (with my feet tucked in at the bottom) and so I was FREEZING in the morning. And then we had no water :) because it FROZE. The second night was... mildly better, since I told all the people sleeping by the fire (I was sleeping in an Indoor Tent) to add wood if they woke up, so it didn't go out, and I put a bunch of my clothes under the pathetic mattress to make it a little more comfortable. It wasn't great, but it could've been worse. Also Keith was talking about comics and I joined in on the conversation and we Bonded over comics. It was nice. Next week he's bringing Death Of The Family (since I haven't read all of it) and I'm bringing Princess Leia so we can swap and read. It's lit.

Other Galiano things... we're going to Pender next week but just for the day to judge a science fair. Probably walking involved. I'm dead. I talked about musical theatre camp with Mila and Sinead and now Mila might go this year :') and I made the Quote Wall FOUR TIMES! They were:

  • [in reference to the cherry trees in our plot] They're all dead. It's these goddamn Douglas Firs.
  • [after laughing at Sinead falling and then falling on my ass not 30 seconds later] That was karma. I can feel it.
  • [while discussing forests in texas] I thought Texas was just deserts and racism. (Mila added "the Bushes" as well so the quote will be attributed to both of us)
  • Also idk if it's going on the wall but I said it and Sinead wrote it down so... maybe?: Forever is just until the earth is swallowed by the sun.

Also Mila and I bonded more on the ferry rides. She told me she's pan, we bonded over Awkward Parents Re: Sexuality And Other Social Justice Things, we exchanged numbers (FINALLY) (also we were texting today) and yeah. It's cool.

Now onto actually today...

Went to the dentist and idk if they FIXED the problem I've been having for weeks but... hopefully? Maybe. On the way there I had a huge fight with my mom about supplements and how I can't take antidepressants because "people kill themselves when they take them" and yeah. That was fun. Then I had choir rehearsal which was fun but Leichelle wasn't there, meaning I was the only Whistler group soprano and I kept fucking up my part and it was super obvious. And then tonight there was a play at the local HS called The Ash Girl and it was really good, though some girls sitting next to me and my mom were talking for most of it (which is really fuckin disrespectful lol). I got a cupcake though so that was good (and also a creme egg from Staples of all places). And tonight I WROTE THINGS -- 13k so far! It's for a Really Bad Pairing (like.... so bad) and coincidentally enough, that same ship tag updated today for the first time since November. It was a fic, which was nice, but it had a pretty weird kink, which was... less than nice, though I read it anyway and it wasn't too bad. Anyway. I'll work on the fic a little more and go to bed.

bluegansey: close-up of ahsoka tano looking down and to the left (ahsoka tano gray)

 holy christ i CANNOT get things done apparently i think my brain is just fried i literally did NOTHING useful today god

i watched young justice. and started rewatching batman vs robin. i did some more edits on a snaibsel week fic and it's basically ready to be posted once i do a few more characterization checks and edits. i read a few fics. i made a bunch of angry posts on my discourse blog. and i also had a conversation with someone (not to be too specific) and she said that she wasn't sure she wanted to message me (for Complex Reasons) but then remembered that i'd reblogged one Very Bad Ship to my sideblog and figured she could trust me, which i found utterly hilarious (i was laughing SO HARD like damn i've never been so glad of reblogging something before) and also rie messaged me about a post and i ended up telling them about what i ship in the batfam and it was cool. i watched some vine compilations and sw video memes with my brother. and DIDN'T get any schoolwork done because i'm a fucking moron apparently

edit: well i just went and wrote 493 words of lights which isn't big but i haven't worked on it in literally two whole months (since DECEMBER FIRST) so it's an achievement. of sorts. i'd keep going but i have a really bad headache and it's not fun

bluegansey: isabelle lightwood on a starry blue background (isabelle lightwood blue)

 I was almost not going to make an entry today because 80% of my day was something I don't want to discuss publicly (a lifestyle forum thing) but I actually wrote today!!! After... so goddamn long. 1.2k, finishing up a story for Snaibsel week (which was at the end of October *ugly laughter* hey at least now it can double for Femslash February). It's for day 6 (magic) and it's... not much related to the prompt, but it's a pretty open prompt? So I'm not that worried. It's really angsty, though, and deals a lot with Wally's death. So there's that. But I'm pretty proud of it I think?

cut for length, discourse, and Personal )

Minor good things? Other than writing. This happened. And this -- well the second one happened first actually but oh well. And yeah? I'm also rereading this because the other thing I was reading was getting explicit and I didn't want to read it in public.

bluegansey: leia organa holding blaster and looking determined on a red background (leia organa red)

 I need to sleep, but also like... posterity. I saw Hidden Figures today -- so good, so so good, I LOVED it. There was also a Thing where I was driving with my mom and there was a dog on the side of the road that was about to run onto the road -- the owner was approaching it slowly, and it didn't have a leash, and I Realized, and I sort of freaked out. The dog was fine -- the owner got to it and grabbed its collar as we passed them, but it was so terrifying. My mom says I got really pale and my heart didn't stop hammering for like ten minutes and I couldn't stop shaking and I almost cried. Something similar happened to me on Christmas day -- my dog ran into traffic and it was like a fucking miracle of God that she didn't get hit by a car (i'm agnostic but that almost made me believe) and one time a few months ago my mom hit a rabbit while we were driving and it was kinda similar to today's thing -- hesitating by the side of the road and then jumping in at the last second. That's what I was afraid of. And it didn't happen but yeah.

In other news, America is rapidly becoming a dystopia and I am so. Fucking. Terrified and highkey want to die. I ended up writing out my feelings with some original work and that was... something. It was really disturbing actually but if I'm writing I'm not doing it so that's. Good. Anyway I'm Tired and I should probably like. Sleep.

bluegansey: (damian wayne blue)

Every time I think I’m actually going to work on my WIP, I get thrown off by something. Now it’s “so am I completely bastardizing canon with these trippy Force mind links” and I need to work on it when I’m not tired. Also I have so many things I need to rewatch for research? Rebels episodes — Call To Action (or whichever one ends with Kanan being captured, I don’t remember for sure) for action scene reference and A Princess On Lothal for era-appropriate Leia reference — and like. Possibly a few TCW episodes with Padme and Obi-Wan and Luminara and Ahsoka because I haven’t watched it in while and I need to remember their voices and also check their characterization. Really this is all because someone messaged me to continue the story. Which, I mean, it’s nice and all, but what would have been slightly nicer is if one person left a comment on the last chapter? There was one comment, but it wasn’t a real comment, and — ugh. It just Feels Bad. Like, if you want a story to update, maybe… I don’t know… make the author think you care if it updates? Because I was sort of thinking no one cared and I sorta still do even though I have concrete evidence otherwise.

Uh, anyway. I went to the naturopath again today and… yeah. I don’t know. She suggested hypnotheraphy and like, at this point, if it’ll help with my anxiety, I’ll try it. My mom also had a dentist’s appointment in the area so after we got pizza for lunch we went there and I waited (and there was a baby there. It was adorable) and after while she was paying the receptionist complimented my hair, which was nice. And then we went to the States and I had a minor breakdown about not being able to eat gum anymore. I am so close to ignoring the fact that I’m being slowly poisoned by aspartame and just. Buying more gum and chewing the whole pack before I get home. But that would be a really bad idea because I’d just crave it more. And… yeah. Also Shannon was there and he had a really nice shirt with horses on it. It was cool.

And then my back was killing me so I ended up just lying in bed with a heating pad and rereading a bunch of fics. I was sort of in a Batlantern phase (with these two) but I sorta just read whatever I could find in my bookmarks that looked fun to reread. And just before I did this entry I finished a reread of a fic that I started in October and finished adding notes. I think I got fairly creative with insults — like, I’m realizing that 90% of my internal dialogue is insults that I don’t mean and would never say to an actual person but this gives me an outlet and damn if it isn’t nice as hell. I feel so Good and I probably shouldn’t but still, it’s fun to get creative with insults. (The main reason I was adding insults is because it's about something Obviously Bad in real life and even if I enjoy reading it I still want to drag the main character because. Damn. That's so horrible.) And also because this is getting long: had a “family meeting” which dissolved into so much giggling and also I kept asking for a new kitten because my brother’s friend has a pregnant cat and damn I want a kitten. I know I already have a cat but more than one cat is better than one cat in pretty much every circumstance. Seriously.

bluegansey: clarke griffin turned away on a green background (clarke griffin green)

So I saw Moana today! It was so good, damn. I LOVED THE SONGS. I need to buy the soundtrack. It was also POURING RAIN all day, and it’s been so long since it’s rained this hard. I kinda missed it. Even when I was standing in the rain waiting for my dad to pick me up at the bus station. My house is like three minutes away from there by car and it took him TWENTY MINUTES and he said it was traffic. There was no traffic in the pouring rain at seven at night. There really was not. We watched more of The Office when we got home. I… hate Michael. A lot. Like, there are some characters who are The Worst in an endearing way, and there are some characters who are The Worst and you never want to hear about their existence ever. Michael is in the second category. (I'm aware that this is probably a really harsh view to have, but when I hate characters... generally speaking, I really hate them. And I don't hate characters very often at all.)

I also read Various Fics that I can’t really link but Oh Well. I mean, there was this Jaytim one which I found by accident but it was so excellent that I’m just really glad. I’m also slowly making my way through another unlinkable fic. Fun times. And tonight I went through some of my old writing and damn. I found this AU concept for one of my original novels that I wrote… I don’t know when because the file is a copy and there’s literally no way it was only a year ago. It’s 8k of boarding school AU stuff. Featuring secret crushes and sexuality crises and a really sweet love confession. And also dying friends but I skipped over that subplot because I wanted to write New Year’s kisses. That story was the first time I’d ever written a love confession, actually, and I remember feeling So Good after I first wrote it. It’s still lovely. I went through some other older writing as well and some of it is Cringe but some of it is Relatively Good. And that’s good.

Not much else really? Yeah. Though I'm thinking I might possibly start locking my diary entries to just me and then only make public entries if it's something that literally anyone else might be interested in... I'm well aware that there's nothing terribly interesting about my life and especially not on a day-to-day basis. So I'm Considering.

bluegansey: clarke griffin turned away on a green background (clarke griffin green)

I really don’t feel like sleep yet but. I sorta have nothing else to do. I want to read some things but I can’t so.

Okay but today was PRODUCTIVE. I edited that essay about anti-shipping that I wrote yesterday and sent it to my mom, who submitted it tonight. I also wrote 1,274 words of an original story with ghosts and a queer love story. It’s kinda sad at the beginning (there’s a ghost who died of suicide and he’s a teenager and it’s all Sad) but it ends happily. And it’s fluffy and gay. Im love it.

I tried, really goddamn tried, to clear up my fics-to-read. I went through my email and added a bunch to read later, took a few off of my read-later, finished one fic that was open in another window (I didn’t… love it… but it was okay) and Stuff. I feel like I’ve achieved so much today. And I washed my hair, too! Miracle of miracles. I’m shook. I also reread a not-linkable soulmate/stripper AU concept that I LOVE and would pay actually money for more of. It’s incomplete *sad face* but hopefully the author will finish it. God, I hope the author finishes it.

Not… much else? My brother had an appointment so he skipped school and I was alone for a lot of the day (also later tonight he had floor hockey and my mom went out for coffee so I was alone then too) and it was Real Nice. I also went on tumblr earlier and back on a few times, which is honestly a much more efficient way of doing this tumblr thing, but it means that I was online at the same time as one of my mutuals who I feel like I need to soft block and unfollow because they’re an anti. And oh god, it was so uncomfortable. I was so Upset, actually and I feel so bad but also like. Pls stop. Antis… stop.

bluegansey: allison argent laughing and smiling with a pink background (allison argent pink)

*throws up peace sign* today was SO GOOD on the writing front, y’all. SO GOOD. It’s been weeks since I’ve written basically anything and this morning I sat down and wrote 1.2k of a new novel idea. It has ghosts and cute queer romance with a happy ending. I’m so happy, y’all. And then — AND THEN — I worked on my school application. Wrote a biography for myself, and THEN I wrote a THREE POINT FOUR K ESSAY ABOUT ANTI-SHIPPING. I’m shook, y’all. I’m shook. And how did I say "y'all" three times in this paragraph? I have no idea.

I just had to write about a learning experience, and THIS HAPPENED. Holy fuck. The glossary section is almost 1k on its own. This essay is a monster. I am shook. Also I keep wanting to swear because I had to keep my language clean for the essay (or, well, no one said I had to but this is a school application so I’m erring on the side of caution) and I just finished writing and and yeah. I'll edit it tomorrow (today) and hopefully my mom will have the address I'm supposed to send it to.

Other things… other things. I watched Justice League vs Teen Titans — a Good Movie, imho. Still love Damian… love him a lot… love him. And I like Kori a little more than I did before, even if I still pretty much hate Dickkori… yeah. Sorry. I just can’t get behind it. Also was it my imagination or was the movie trying to push a romance between Raven and Damian? For the love of god, let them be friends and let Damian date Beast Boy. Seriously. Also I think I officially hate SuperWonder now and I don’t know why I suddenly hate het ships. When did this happen. I don’t even know.

I also made butterscotch pudding from a recipe online and it was good. And helped my mom make meatballs for dinner, and read a very interesting article about the killing of zoo animals in Denmark (the article has some fairly graphic images of dead and dissected animals, btw). And didn’t do much else? Yeah.

bluegansey: clara oswald looking at the sky in wonder (clara oswald black)

Good? Bad? I don’t know. I can’t tell what emotion is anymore.

Went to see Rogue One with my family. We went out for sushi (well, I didn’t have sushi, but it was a sushi restaurant) before the movie and we had a voucher, so we actually got drinks and popcorn. The second viewing reminded me of the movie’s flaws — the not-so-great first two acts, Felicity’s acting (like… sorry, Jyn is just not a convincing character at all) — and great parts — actually married SpiritAssassin, THE ENDING. Also I saw the Ghost in one shot and it was SO EXCITING. And I actually heard the overhead announcement calling General Syndulla and I gasped out loud because I love Hera so much. So much.

Like an hour after that I went to the panto. Not flies tonight, so it was pretty relaxed, and I reread an entire, very sad and heartbreaking but with a happy ending fic. And read more of another fic. There was a hilarious moment where an actor fucked up a line — the line is “I am a Trump University graduate” and he said “I am a University Trump graduate” instead. I literally snorted out loud and a couple of actors who were offstage waiting for their cue laughed as well. It was great.

Not much else? Did a bit of reading once the wifi went off, read an entire 21k fic. It was good, though some awkward moments were SO AWKWARD, yikes. And I wrote 381 words of the Bad Ship soulmate concept, finishing it off — I’m not super happy with the scene I wrote but hey, it exists now, it can be edited. Although it’s like… so sappy and romantic, I don’t even know anymore if it’s Good. But anyway . Before that I did a tag meme game. And responded to the one (1) ask for this writing ask game. And I reread a Barrissoka fic I started writing months ago and I thought I had a lot more to write but I think it’s actually pretty close to done? I just need to figure out a title, I think. And maybe do one (technically two for complicated reasons but for idea purposes it’s just one) more scene. Yeah. Also I can’t believe I forgot but my aunt’s dog is staying with us for a few days and it’s so weird. Our dog is a beagle/jack russell cross, so she’s short — like, up to our knees, maybe — and my aunt’s dog Toto is a standard poodle. She’s just so… tall. It’s weird, I’m so not used to it.

bluegansey: leia organa holding blaster and looking determined on a red background (leia organa red)

Today was basically flip-flopping between sadness and inescapable anxiety. Hearing about Carrie Fisher’s death was really painful, because she’s become an icon to me in the last year, and this was so soon after what seemed like a near-miss — they said she was in stable condition, so it seemed like she was the one to defy this hell year. Except, no. 2016 can fuck right off. And 2017 has the potential to be much, much worse with President Trump. I’m not goddamn ready.

On… other things… I woke up this morning to two messages regarding my sideblog — well, sort of, one was “is [redacted] your sideblog” from tumblr user sionis, and the other was “omg you found my problematic ships sideblog” from tumblr user finndamerons (prev. benafflecksgf). I spent most of the day procrastinating messaging back, and when I finally did there was a bit of talking! Which is Good. Also, random side note, but both of them used my first name in their initial messages. It was weird, I’m never used to people saying or writing my name. Sometimes I forget my own name, too… anyway. I recced a fic series that made me BELIEVE IN LOVE to sionis, and finndamerons and I just sorta talked. And it was good.

tw: self harm mention )

Also just now wrote 1,942 words of a Bad Ship soulmate concept that I mentioned a while ago. It only has one scene left, I think, but I’m not going to write it now, I need to sleep since my mom already got up once and I don’t want to see another parent right now.

bluegansey: clara oswald looking at the sky in wonder (clara oswald black)

So panto wasn't as bad as it could have been. I was in hysterics (i mean, kinda? Just terrified mostly) all day and sort of just started crying at one point because I was so scared -- and I basically never cry because I'm too emotionally numb, so that's definitely something. And it went... mostly okay. I missed one cue, the greenery in the first forest scene (it comes in after the opening and then doesn't move for the rest of the show) so I just slowly lowered it in during the scene and it was fine. I was a little slow on the reds a couple times as well, but I think I'm getting the hang of doing them faster. One particularly great moment was during a series of very fast cues (reds down, a few other things, reds back up basically) my cable -- that connects my headset -- got caught on something, and since I needed it so I could get to the reds, I was frantically trying to figure out what the fuck it was caught on -- and it was caught on an actor's PROP SWORD THAT WAS HANGING OFF HIS HIP. IT WAS HILARIOUS. I didn't miss my cue, though, so that probably contributed to how funny it was.

I didn't do much else? I got back on tumblr, with a lot of drafts -- I'll continue clearing them tomorrow -- and it was very nice. Everyone was talking about Rogue One, so I snapped and got a ticket for tomorrow in the early afternoon. I can just... see it again with my brother. I just want to see Darth Vader on a big screen for the first time in my life, come on universe you can give me that. And I'm really sort of sick but I know it's because of overindulging on sugar. I can't really breathe properly and my throat hurts like I have a serious cough, but I don't. On that note: supposed to be choir today, but it was cancelled. Lucky, because I could not sing a note today. Also! I have an idea for a soulmate AU that I've wanted to do for a while, and I'm gonna start it soon. I looked through this tag for ideas, and finally settled on "matching symbols" though I may change it. I just want a morally complicated soulmate AU. And I went through a ship tag and found a cute fic and now I'm looking through the author's bookmarks of that ship (it's an Unnamed Ship and also the same ship that I'm writing the soulmate AU for) and I'm surprisingly cheerful, overall? Somehow.

bluegansey: clarke griffin turned away on a green background (clarke griffin green)

I should be working on my WIP. I am not. Because I am a Disaster. Like today was. And, uh, this is really whiny I guess, but I was... really upset yesterday and had a really kind of fucked up day, so I'm still going to post it. For posterity.

God. I got up after a really decent amount of sleep — like, solid eight hours, all good — exhausted. Like, barely moving, too-tired-to-shower exhausted. And then my mom told me I should “get off the computer and rest” so I went back to my bedroom and read more of Addicted For Now (which I have. So many complaints about. But that’s for another time) and ended up feeling even more tired than before! Like, nearly-falling-asleep-whenever-I-sit-down exhausted! And then I went to fucking choir practice after not practicing all week like I was supposed to. And it was awful and tiring and I got sick halfway through and almost threw up. I had to not go to the panto rehearsal tonight, after I emailed that I would be there this morning, and then I had a really really bad stomach ache all evening.

Like, what the fuck? Why does god hate me? Literally what the fuck did I do to incur god’s wrath or what-the-fuck-ever. The only good/neutral things that happened today were reading an update (chapter 8) of this fic, an update (chapter 2) of this fic, reading a few other fics (including this one on my kobo after I went to bed), writing (700-ish words of a new concept, because I can’t work on my WIP right now), painting my nails red and green for Christmas month, and watching one episode of Supergirl — episode 5. I’m just going to go to bed now, even though it’s barely midnight, because I’m just. Tired. Of everything.

bluegansey: isabelle lightwood on a starry blue background (isabelle lightwood blue)

Uh, well, today was a thing that happened. I went to a new naturopath, and I don’t even know if I actually believe in naturopathy, but whatever! Apparently I might have mono. Or something. Since August. And that’s why I’m listless and tired all the time. Also severely low iron levels. And apparently I have to be on the computer less often, which I knew already. Overall it was… okay, and my mom took me to Dairy Queen afterwards and I got a burger (which was Bad) and a salted caramel something blizzard (which was Good).

I read two long Jaytim fics today — Canticulum and The Untitled JayTim Project. They were both pretty good, in different ways — I didn’t like the ending of TUJTP, but that’s just my weird hangup about endings with a long period of time passing. I read a few other fics, as well, just shorter ones basically.

Also talked to someone on tumblr! Tumblr user benafflecksgf. I’ve been following them for a while… like, a year… and we’ve passively been mutuals for a little while, but she messaged me out of nowhere to say that I was cool (which was SUPER flattering, actually) a couple of days ago, and I messaged back yesterday and she was offline, so I responded to her response today and she was online so we talked for a while about how toxic fandom can be and also Spite Shipping. It was fun. And really nice. And just now I wrote just under 500 words for [redacted pairing]; it’s a fic I’ve worked on before, but it sort of fizzled for a while because I didn’t know where it was going. I think I’ve figured out a little more? Still not sure if I’ll publish it, but eh. I’ll figure it out.

bluegansey: close-up of ahsoka tano looking down and to the left (ahsoka tano gray)

So writing happened! I finished editing Lights 4 and published it. Yay. And just now I wrote 1.2k of Lights 8, and that’s all I have of the chapter so far, but I feel good about it. I added a completely new element that I wasn’t expecting because that’s where the writing took me, and I’m surprisingly okay with that. It’s actually kind of exciting, writing that much. I haven’t felt so great all day — so damn tired, after going to bed at like one last night and sleeping until almost noon — but now I suddenly feel ALIVE. It’s nice.

Other than that, I didn’t do… much? My dad is home and, yeah, it’s great, but it’s also… hard. I find it so hard to interact with him. He doesn’t respect my damn space or my stuff. I know this is minor and petty as fuck, but I made a wrap and he took a bite (after berating me for eating that much meat past 9pm) and then when I was almost finished he took another, bigger bite and almost finished it. Without asking. And I know it’s minor, and not that big of a deal, but it fucking hurt, okay? It feels like he just doesn’t respect me, ever, in any way, shape, or form. Combined with him getting bitchy about me not wanting to move all the furniture in my room and go into the crawlspace to find the Christmas stuff (I don’t know where it is and also I was fucking exhausted and didn’t want to go on the floor because I’d just lay down and sleep probably) and I ended up getting really mad and my mom tried to hug me and I almost yelled at her because I don’t like people touching me! Ever! Even more so when I’m upset! And ugh I’m just so upset and I don’t know what to do.

God, I need to just… go to bed. Fic notes, though — read this Jaytim fic, which is SO FUCKED UP AND I LOVE IT, and a few others. I went through the "soulmates" tag in DCU (filtering out the TV shows I don't care about) and found a few interesting soulmate AU concepts. And I finished reading the Hot Topic AU! Which is currently 93 works long, the last one being the Thanksgiving one. It was good.

bluegansey: amy pond holding a book with a yellow background (amy pond yellow)

*drags hands down face* I’m so tired. Of… everything, basically? That’s my life right now. I did some writing just now, but only about 1k, and just bits and pieces of original work and a random DC fic. I want to edit Lights 4, but I don’t have wifi and I need to use Google Docs. I am so fucking sick of this fucking wifi rule and kind of want to die every time I think about it, but it’s fine, I’m not going to resolve it so I’ll just deal with it. Until I die. Or something.

I didn’t mean to go out today, but well, life never goes the way you want it to. I went with my dad when he went to fix his watch at the Bay and when we were leaving he found out that my brother’s floor hockey game had started already when it was supposed to be later or something and we went straight there. At the very least, the school it was at had wifi — I would have fucking killed someone if it hadn’t. Or not. I’m just suddenly extremely angry and it’s casting a shadow on the whole day. After that we went home and then out, again, this time to drop my dad off to watch some sports game and to go for ice cream to celebrate my brother scoring a goal. And then we went to Save-On (and I got so many gummies, and convinced my mom to buy a small thing of eggnog) and THEN we went to the pet store to get gerbil food on the way home.

I feel like I fought with my mom, but I can’t remember it now. I’m just super mad for no reason and what the fuck, it is 1am, I don’t even know. I’m just going to bed before I break something.

bluegansey: peggy carter holding captain america's shield on a blue background (peggy carter blue)

What is… today… I am Confused and Tired. Some writing just now, new concept — Jaydick AU where Jason is Tim’s best man and Dick is the wedding organizer. Or something. I’ve been thinking about it for a few days and I’m finally writing it a little. 731 words of the first scene, and I think the scene is done. I can’t work anymore on Lights until chapter 4 is back from beta, but I reread a few scenes from the later chapters just for fun. And reread my fic Peace Is A Lie. It’s better than I remember, actually. It’s nice to reread my own stuff.

Other than that… I didn’t do much? Reread/read a fair amount of unlinkable fic, talked to my mom about how terrible antis are and how they are causing me massive anxiety and distress and even made me suicidal a while back, and she basically agreed with me about how what you read doesn’t define your real-world morality. And that sort of led to a discussion about how polyamory (she called it polygamy and I didn’t really correct her) shouldn’t be illegal and stuff. And I mentioned that I heard my brother saying… things… but not what he said and I told her to check my twitter if she really wants to know. He said the f slur, by the way. I think. Not 100% sure, but. And today I heard him joking about the holocaust, so there’s… that. I’m actually kind of terrified that he’ll call himself alt-right at some point and I’ll have to deal with having a neo-nazi white nationalist as a brother. I don’t know how I can deal with that, so I’m just… hoping it’s just talk.

My dog ate my entire brownie, and that was terrifying. I was home alone at the time, my mom out at a thing, so I called her and gave her a vet’s number to call because I can’t call people. The dog is going to be fine, just a little sick, so that’s… good. But it was scary. And I also made a memes pinterest board.

bluegansey: amy pond holding a book with a yellow background (amy pond yellow)

So for some reason I decided to bake after my mom went to bed? I made brownies. I put them away and washed everything. It’s drying now and I’ll put it away before I go to bed. I kinda wanna see whether she notices that I made brownies or not. I also reread a fic — the last fic in a fic series that made me BELIEVE IN LOVE. It’s just so beautiful and pure and cavity-inducing fluff. I cry.

A few other fics were read, as well, but not as many as the rest of this week because my body seems to be falling apart around me. I got this agonizing sharp pain in my abdomen, like a period cramp but I’m not on my period. (When I told my mom, she asked if I was pregnant. I’m definitely not pregnant unless I’m the fucking Virgin Mary reborn. Which she knows. God.) And then I laid in bed and watched two whole episodes of Supergirl, in my underwear and bra because clothes were irritating me, and now I’m four episodes in! I cannot binge watch. It’s an attention thing. But when you’re in so much pain that lying down is the only viable option, it’s surprisingly easy to pay attention. Anyway, after that I had dinner and got sick halfway through and couldn’t finish it. Which was just… great. But yeah. I had a bowl of brownie batter; it wasn’t as sweet as that fic I was reading, but it was pretty damn nice.

I also did Writing Things? Sent chapter 4 of Lights to beta. Idk how long it’ll be, but soon. Soon. I can finally publish it. And maybe stop feeling so goddamn guilty all the goddamn time. That would be… nice. Also I had an Anxiety thing for two reasons: someone whose content I’ve reblogged was outed as an abuser and anti-self-dx person, and a bunch of people basically… shunned her, and it was really kind of scary and anxiety-inducing because I followed a lot of people involved in it. I didn’t follow her, but… it was terrifying, almost. And then I saw that someone I follow — someone who I’ve seen involved in anti-anti stuff, who follows my discourse blog AND my problematic ship blog — reblogged a post from an anti blog that causes me unspeakable anxiety. I think it’s probably just that she followed them a while ago and didn’t realize what side of the Discourse they were on, but… that blog has so much incredibly self-righteous smugness and bullshit (such as “you can’t ship this CANON ship because it’s bad in some continuities” and “you’re an Unsafe Blog if you ship literally the most popular ship in the entire fandom”, and all of this linked from their damn description and sidebar, so anyone who goes on the blog will see it) that it made me have an anxiety attack last time I saw it, and. Yeah. I feel awful about it, but I’m trying not to think about it. God, I shouldn’t have written about this; I was in such a good mood. Oh well, I’ll do dishes and go to bed and try not to think about it some more.

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bluegansey: wonder woman with a hood over her head holding her lasso (Default)
Nicola

July 2017

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