bluegansey: clarke griffin turned away on a green background (clarke griffin green)

 Oh god, I have a headache and I'm so tired I can barely see straight and it's not even that late?? And I got a full night's sleep??? Why.

So I had a meeting with my teacher today! We started doing an assignment for PE/Plan 10, and then my power went out. My mom called her from her cell and I finished what I had to do, but the power stayed out for five hours or so. Yeah, I was kinda excited about this "massive storm" thing... that was probably a bad idea. Because also a 15-year-old boy died after being hit by a falling tree. Yeah. Unfortunate.

We all (me, mom, brother) ended up going to Starbucks and then picked up butter chicken for dinner. The power was back on by the time we got home, so it all worked out great. We watched Arrested Development and it was all great. Other than that... I finished rereading Carry On (after a ridiculous amount of time) and whoops, I totally missed the weird biphobic moment at the end the first time/times I read it. It's really unfortunate, because I goddamn love that book and what it represents -- same-gender romance stories in fantasy novels. That don't revolve around character's sexualities. Sigh. I also reread a fair amount of fic, downloaded the album You Haunt Me by Sir Sly (goddamn it's so good! fuck) and caught up on the Great SW Rewatch -- the first two episodes of the Deception arc were up today. I love that arc, honestly. The moment when undercover!Obi-Wan stabs that shark guy's hand and threatens to eat him? Fucking iconic.

bluegansey: harley quinn with a baseball bat across her shoulders and blowing bubblegum on a brown background (harley quinn brown)
I, uh, meant to post this as soon as I got up this morning. But yeah. This is from yesterday.  

826 words of writing today! After mostly doing… nothing. For a while. But yeah. About 400 words on a Snaibsel week story — I’m pretty sure I won’t publish it, actually, because it’s… explicit. Or will be. If I can stop blushing long enough to actually get past the setup. I’m bad at smut. Really bad. But I wanted to try. Oh well, if nothing else it’ll be a fun experiment. The other 400 words were me trying to get unstuck in my epic fantasy novel, and I think it worked, though the scene ended up being both shorter and more awkward than I would have hoped for. Oh well. Edits exist for a reason.

I finally finished going through my damn video tag! I think it ended up at 44 pages — though I’d have to double-check that — and wow. It’s sorta a lot. I found some great videos that I’d forgotten while I was there — some older Thomas Sanders vines, this one video about a trust fall prank, etc. Pretty cool. On the topic of productive (ha) things, I finally checked my damn school email and found out my Socials 10 grade — 67%. At this point, I am just really glad it is over. And I realized yet another psychological thing I have! Because I find new ones every day, apparently. I cannot accept compliments or praise… basically ever. If people congratulate me for anything, I just feel awful and I don’t know why.

Anyway. Choir today, which was fine except for my sore throat and not having water. The teacher told us about this Whistler trip we might be going on if there’s enough interest, which sounds pretty exciting — it’s in May. Though there’s no food provided on the trip, so like, honestly. What the fuck. I don’t want to cook. But I guess I’ll have to. After that I had to transit home, and it had just started raining, so that was… fun. It’s still raining. A lot. Also watched TCW 3.19 and 3.20 — last two episodes in the Citadel arc — and they were fine. Reread this restaurant AU, which was… good, I guess, even though it has Brujay and I mostly hate that ship. It’s just a really good fic overall, so. And I read Birds of Prey 11-15. Pretty good, no real comments.

Oh, god, I cannot remember anything about my day. The internet thing is still in effect, which is why I’ll be posting this tomorrow, and that’s… okay. Still makes me really upset all the time. And reminded me of my trust issues, so. Yeah, I really do not trust my parents with my wellbeing at all, and that probably goes back to when they didn’t get me out of an abusive situation despite knowing everything about it and me begging them to get me out of it. And now I’m getting personal. So I’ll stop.

bluegansey: leia organa holding blaster and looking determined on a red background (leia organa red)

 Okay, it's just past 2am as I type this and the only obvious symptom of tiredness I'm feeling is vague mental confusion. Like how a little while ago I saw a fic on AO3 tagged as Roy Harper/Jason Todd and my first thought was "Jason was barely in Young Justice why are you shipping him with Roy--ohhhhhh right". I have literally read Red Hood and the Outlaws, unlike about 99% of DC Comics, and yet. Uh, anyway. Sorta worrying. I mean, I'm also doing the thing where I get Overwhelmed By Feelings while reading fic and have to get up and walk in a circle before I can continue reading. (I was reading some fic that I will not link for reasons) But I'm not, like, actually tired. So that feels like a good sign. I got a fair amount of sleep (and had a weird dream involving running away from a hiking trip by going ahead on the same path that the group was taking. Uh, it made a little bit more sense in context. I think. I don't remember the context) and yeah, I'm rambling, moving on.

I thought I was going... somewhere today, but I wasn't, so I went with my mom to run some errands. Ended up going to Value Village and getting some long-sleeved shirts and a couple of pairs of jeans. I asked if I could go get more long-sleeved shirts and my mom made me go through all my clothes, and that's always traumatic because my hoarding tendencies get laid out in front of me and it's shameful. She made me get rid of a shirt I wear all the time just because there's a tiny hole in it. And then I had to admit that I'm keeping a ton of clothes that don't fit me and it was overall a Not Good experience. Anyway... while we were out, I was reading this fic (such a good) but also Watchmen, because I got it out of the library and now it's almost due back. I got a little bit into it (almost done chapter 2, I think) but was distracted by the fic. I hope I can finish it within the next two days, since the library increased the overdue fines and I cannot afford to pay $20 in fines again. We, uh, went to the library to pick up a hold as well and my mom's "e-card" didn't work. And we went to the grocery store, I got sad because no watermelons, I got some candy and I haven't eaten candy in a week so that's weird, and then we went to the dollar store and I got a hilarious card for my dad's birthday (along with two skor bars and a mars bar because chocolate. that's the third time I've gotten an excess of chocolate bars at that dollar store with that cashier, so that was a little awkward) and cutting off this paragraph now, whoops.

Caught up on The Great SW Rewatch -- at this point I think I'm going to stay caught up, mostly, because the idea of failure is horrific to me. The eps were the first Nightsisters arc -- 3.12 Nightsisters, 3.13 Monster, 3.14 Witches of the Mist -- and it was better than I remembered it being, honestly. Ventress is a really interest character, even if I don't especially like her. Though as much as I enjoyed the episodes, I will not stop being annoyed at the number of Nightsisters episodes we got (too many) compared to the number of Ahsoka and Rex, Obi-Wan and Ahsoka, or Padmé and Obi-Wan team-up episodes we got (none, on all counts). Like, come on TCW, you had this great opportunity and you DIDN'T USE IT. Ugh. Also rewatched YJ Bloodlines, which makes it the third time I've seen it. I just really love time travel tropes, shenanigans, and Bart Allen, so that episode is my aesthetic, basically. Even if there was too much plot. Also, I think YJ might be staying on Netflix! I got the thought in my head, sorta, when I saw that they'd added 85 shows and movies (!!!!), but I watched the episode and confirmed that there is no longer a little thing in the corner to say that they're taking it off Netflix on the 15th. Granted, it might just be because I've seen the warning a million times, but I'm optimistic. Short, not related note: I also finally snapped on the Lily Calloway issue on my discourse blog. I didn't get into detail, but there was emotion there. I'm mad. I love Lily and I'm mad.

Also read an entire book (!!!). It was Run by Kody Keplinger. Zoe mentioned it on twitter so I read it, basically. One of the main characters is legally blind, like Zoe (different condition but it was still interesting) and the other one was bisexual, so pretty good rep -- even if it was pretty white. Realistic, considering the setting, but still kinda :/. But it was good! I really enjoyed it. Though I didn't especially like the ending -- it didn't feel long enough and the conclusion felt kinda... flat. To me. But idk. Anyway I should go to bed -- with the final, just-remembered addition that my favourite Greek food place at the mall stopped selling beef souvlakis! I'm so mad. That was my order! Also I saw a great car outside the mall that was, like, an orange and purple layered colour or something, and had a bunch of superhero plushies and a pop figure on the dash. THAT'S MY FUTURE CAR, BASICALLY. Okay, I have to formally apologize for the length of this. I guess I am pretty tired.

bluegansey: clara oswald looking at the sky in wonder (clara oswald black)

 I'm back into trying to actually read comics right now instead of like... just reading fic... and a few minutes ago I sort of went into a half-angry state of "why are there so many comics this is so confusing mY EYES ARE GOING TO FALL OUT OF MY HEAD FROM READING ALL OF THESE". I finished Batman and Robin (2011) volumes 2 & 3, so I'm finished all the ones I can access legally, and now I need to find out if there's any more, but... not right now. I'm too annoyed about how many damn comics exist in this world. I did like the series, though I didn't love it -- the plot was kinda boring to me, but I really loved Dick and Damian's dynamic.

I went to Zoe's today, we talked for about five hours (it's kinda weird to think that that's all we ever do? get together every month or so and just talk for 4/5/6 hours. it's really fun, but kinda weird to think about) about a million and one different topics. Ended up sorta reminiscing about the school we used to go to and then got to talking about my piano teacher, who was also my abuser, who also taught at that school. And remembered some really weird and actually fucked up things she did... like making a student cry in the middle of class, then talking to the whole class about what she thought were her issues while she wasn't in the room, AND THEN telling the class that we couldn't tell any teachers about it. Yeah. After that she wasn't allowed to teach without another teacher in the room with her, though apparently that didn't last until the next year (when I wasn't there). ANYWAY. Also talked about various writing projects, shipping discourse, my latest fic adventures, various novels, a bit about Rebels (though not the latest episode), Star Wars internet, various childhood stories, family members and relationships to them, bisexuality, creepy adult men, and more.

Not? Much else? Caught up on the Great SW Rewatch, with a political arc -- 3.10 Heroes on Both Sides, 3.11 Pursuit of Peace, 2.15 Senate Murders -- which was actually pretty fun. I love seeing Padmé in her element, and the plots weren't even boring! I always find plot boring, so that's a lot. I'm glad I caught up, even if it was past ten by the time I was done, because the next three days all have three episodes as well. I'm feeling pretty good about my ability to stay caught up.

Also had the odd realization that the fact that I'm staying up until 2-3am is actually a good sign for my mental health -- one of the most obvious of my depression symptoms is constant exhaustion, and the fact that I can stay awake that late every night feels promising. Also I think I've gotten over my weird food aversion? I made pumpkin muffins and ate them and it was fine. Though the leftover butter chicken still feels worrisome to me -- I think I might have a permanent issue with that particular brand, which is too bad. I did really like it. Anyway, my dad just got home from work (it's weird that he's working nights again, since he hasn't done that in forever, and I sorta had a heart attack when the front door opened) so I should probably go to bed.

bluegansey: clarke griffin turned away on a green background (clarke griffin green)

 So I'm done with Socials, I think? I had a call with my teacher (GM, not Socials) and figured out what my grade will be. I did one more assignment, as well -- it involved making up bumper stickers, they were terrible, I'm bad at them. But I submitted it! I have one outstanding assignment, but apparently I'm likely to pass the course without it, so. I just have to wait to hear back from my Socials teacher. I also did a PE/Planning assignment that basically involved talking about safety while dog walking (seriously) and that took six minutes or so and was done. It was a video assignment -- or, well, I did it as one -- and I will never rewatch it because I hate watching myself on video. I'm so... fidgety. And I know that -- it's just sorta hard to watch. Because I have to see how other people see it. And wow, I'm rambling: moving on.

On the Great SW Rewatch, I skipped Assassin because I rewatched it relatively recently, watched ARC Troopers and Sphere of Influence, and decided that I will probably skip Evil Plans/Hostage Crisis/Hunt for Ziro because I also rewatched them pretty recently. So I'm technically caught up, finally. I also watched Batman and Son, which was... kinda not what I expected. I didn't check the rating before I watched, and it's PG-13 with a ton of blood, so the first scene -- which is basically a massacre -- was kinda shocking, to say the least. I guess I assumed that it was animated so it couldn't be too bad? But my brother watches Family Guy all the time, I should know better. Anyway, blood and gore aside, it was really good, I think. Until now I'd literally only see Damian in fics and in one brief appearance in Death Of The Family, so it was interesting to actually see him as a character. And damn, it may not be super great right now, but I still love Dick and Damian's friendship... I'm literally dying over it. Also watched some Arrested Development with my mom and my brother -- I guess we're doing that now?

I had some Issues over on tumblr (here and here) so that was... fun. I'm in a really weird mental state right now, I think... I'm not eating enough because that food issue is still happening, I'm massively anxious over small things all the time, I can't handle being around people because everything is triggering my anxiety. It's... fine, I guess, I just. Need time. And to see my therapist.

Small things: I'm returning the Civil War comic and have to order Princess Leia again, probably... I went on TVTropes to look at the Son of Batman page and ended up browsing a lot... I have Philosopher's Cafe tomorrow and Leichelle isn't coming which shouldn't feel as bad as it does, since she only went once, but she said maybe and I kinda hoped. I dunno. I'm looking forward to it but I also kinda want to not see people right now. Especially since I'm in a place where my mental scars around my abuse are opening up again and I... really don't want to be around female authority figures right now. But it's fine. Also, I guess I should add: last night I made a list of things I'm looking forward to, written out on real paper and all, so there's... that. For whatever it's worth. And I went on AO3, read some way older fics marked to read, and I guess deleted some I don't want to read? Yeah. I dunno. A lot of the older fics marked to read were marked because I didn't want to bookmark them for whatever reason. And read a cute Jaytim tattoo AU that was really cute.

bluegansey: amy pond holding a book with a yellow background (amy pond yellow)
cw: possibly disordered eating, mentions of self-harm )

Went down to the States to pick up the rest of my Amazon order from the beginning of the month, and unfortunately. I'm honestly so confused about how those two comics got mixed up??? It's second-hand, and the sticker on the back says Princess Leia, so. I guess someone just miscategorized it. But it's going to be a pain to fix this. I sorta hope I get to keep this one -- I mean, I don't want it, but that was their mistake, not mine. And my brother seemed to like it? He was skimming it and pointing out Captain Canuck -- who seems like a Canadian version of Capt. America, but he also might be kidding. I honestly cannot tell.

Choir today. I was sort of having heart problems/severe dizziness beforehand, and luckily my mom could drive me -- she told me she couldn't yesterday, but her volunteer thing got moved or cancelled or something -- because if she hadn't, I really wouldn't have been able to go. I actually didn't feel so bad once I got there, though I felt really dizzy by the end. I'm sort of worried, because I keep feeling weird health problems before choir and I think it's a subconscious attempt to get out of it. And I feel awful about that, but there's really... not much I can do...

Read fic! So damn much fic. This long, Jason-centric restaurant AU fic (one ship i hate but it was fine), this Obikin Sith AU fic (pretty good, I'm still not done Wicked Thing so this'll have to do until I get around to finishing it), this fluffy Jedistormpilot fic (SO MUCH FLUFF), this Bluepulse OT3 series (v cute), and these two Jaytim fics (idk if I ship it but they were both pretty good). I basically just read through a few of my shorter marked-for-later fics and a couple of recs that I happened to see. Resulting in a very strange collection of fics.

And after sorta giving up, I'm trying to catch up on the Great SW Rewatch, which honestly feels like more of a chore at this point but I will KEEP GOING. Goddamn it... I just really don't like plot. Which is fucking dumb. But plot bores me to tears. Give me character-centric stories or give me death. And I bought Hayley Kiyoko's new EP! I haven't listened to it yet, but I am very excited. And I bought legally for once, so there's that. And there was a new Check Please! update and it was AMAZING but there won't be more until December so sad. But hey, something to look forward to!

bluegansey: harley quinn with a baseball bat across her shoulders and blowing bubblegum on a brown background (harley quinn brown)

 I know I've stayed up too late, because I've been sort of shaking on and off for about half an hour, and also I don't quite remember anything that happened today except for the last few hours. So there's that.

I reread Addicted To You -- I don't love the Addicted/Calloway Sisters series, but the books are so easy to read and good for a reading slump, so I'm rereading it -- and it's... interesting, upon reread. The descriptions of Lily's mom are either inconsistent with the later books, or I'm just remembering them wrong -- I hope it's inconsistent, because I put tropes related to her character as I remember it on the TVTropes page I made. Which no one else has edited so far, I might add. I sorta wish I could see hits on it, but I guess that's kind of ridiculous to wish for. Anyway, back to the book. The way it talked about asexuality bothered me -- a lot, actually -- but I can probably give it a pass because it was written a few years ago and asexuality wasn't really well known until recently. Also, uh, a lot of Lo's behaviours are downright... rapey. I'm sorry. But you don't just fucking pin someone against a wall and then tell them that it's "my bedroom, everything in here is mine" when they tell you to stop. (I think there was one other moment, but it's slipping my mind at the moment) Sigh... I just. Can't, sometimes. Those books are really interesting and deal with some heavy stuff and are generally pretty good, but it's stuff like that. IIRC, Connor does some vaguely rapey things as well in KTS... goddamn it. Anyway.

Also read this fic. It was really good! Even if it was riddled with spelling errors. God, the whole concept is so interesting? I saw it last night and I was so close to just reading the whole thing because it looked SO ENTICING. It lived up to my expectations, mostly, so that was great. I also started the sequel. And watched TCW 2.12 The Mandalore Plot -- SATINE, I LOVE YOU. I'm not caught up on the rewatch -- there were three eps scheduled for today -- but I didn't think I'd watch any, so. But something (next paragraph) happened that made me watch it, so.

REBELLION )

Also a little bit of writing! Reread some unpublished chapters of Lights, edited them a tiny bit, and wrote a bit of Epic Fantasy Novel. I think I might have solved the issue I'd been having with this scene (for... literal months) so I'll probably continue that... maybe tonight, because fuck it, I'm not sleeping yet. Sleeping means accepting that I have schoolwork in the morning, so nope, not yet. And I only wrote 267 words total, and that's just ridiculous.

I guess I remembered more than I thought I did. Well then. I guess I should also add that I was really anxious and ate a lot? Or chewed a lot, I had so much gum that my teeth ended up hurting. And I seriously can't believe I forgot that I went to a dog training class with my mom. It's not quite training -- as far as I could tell, it was just about finding treats in a variety of boxes -- but hey, dogs are cool.
bluegansey: allison argent laughing and smiling with a pink background (allison argent pink)

 So I had a meeting with my teacher today, which was hugely nervewracking because I didn't want to have to talk about how I've been having mental health problems and that's why I'm not doing anything. But it was actually okay, and she helped me finish a Socials assignment! I might actually finish the course!!! I hate the fact that this is so surprising, but hey, at least it's a possibility? Somewhat.

I also made pumpkin muffins, caught up on the Great SW Rewatch, watched a couple of YJ episodes (2.15, 2.16, and half of 2.05) and watched two episodes of The X Files with my mom (and my dad for the second one). And got really into Bluepulse -- it's pure. So pure.

Wow, I keep getting sidetracked and distracted by shiny objects while writing this, so. It's Bi Visibility Day! Or was before midnight. Anyway, I love it because it's nice to have a break from being literally invisible all the time. I also posted selfies for it. Not my best work, I'll freely admit, but I can't really reach the right Level™ for selfies unless I'm wearing red lipstick. And I actually feel kinda okay today? My brother was gone all day for a school sleepover (or something) and I had store-bought roasted chicken for dinner and it was rainy and cloudy and we got curtains for the door so there's not a huge glass window right new to the computer screen. So that's... good.

bluegansey: peggy carter holding captain america's shield on a blue background (peggy carter blue)

 I think it might have actually been a good idea to not eat sugar yesterday, because I was not craving it at all today... except for a Pumpkin Spice Frappuccino, but that's not relevant. I finished up the candy that I still had so I wouldn't be tempted and didn't feel remotely happy about it and didn't want any more than what I had (which was barely any) so that was a little odd. ANYWAY... moving on.

Went to my therapist and talked about my abusive past essay (sort of) that I wrote and basically she said that I was abused, at least somewhat, if not in the legal sense. Which is actually massively gratifying, because I feel like I can actually feel bad about the situation. And it's hard to think about, but I think this'll make it easier. I sort of wonder if I can now say I'm an abuse survivor, but to be honest, that scares me and I don't think I'm comfortable using it as a label. So I don't know for sure. The rest of the session sort of covered some of my homeschooling issues and... damn it, there was something major and I just forgot it. Oh Well, future me doesn't need to know, it's not that important, I'm sure.

Caught up on the Great SW Rewatch! Finally. I've only seen Senate Spy once, so that was kinda fun -- and it's kinda hilarious to notice how they constantly refer to Clovis as Padmé's "friend". Or "close friend". With long pauses. Subtle. And I've seen both Landing At Point Rain and Weapons Factory at least three times, so that was nice -- episodes I really like! Landing At Point Rain is really good, and I love the #aesthetic and Rex/Anakin/Ahsoka friendship teamwork. To be honest, if the idea of Ahsoka and Anakin in a romantic relationship didn't borderline repulse me, I would be 100% down for that OT3. They work really well as friends/teammates, though, so I'm fine as is. And Weapons Factory! Always a fav. I love Luminara with all my heart, Barriss is amazing and wonderful, and Barrissoka is WONDERFULLY AGONIZING *sobs in the corner*. And honestly, the sequence when Barriss and Ahsoka blow up the factory is one of the greatest in the show. The soaring music and silent audio, the shot of the factory falling. So beautiful and emotional.

I caught up on Check Please! I can't wait for more -- there's going to be a lot of updates this week, as far as I can tell. And a fair amount of reading and rereading some fics. BadWrongEvil pairings, mostly, so those are Secret. But there was this great Artemis/Zatanna, friends-with-benefits-oh-shit-FEELINGS fic. So good! Also it was nice to read femslash, because I've been reading 99% slash over the past few days for some reason and I miss it. Also I guess I should add that I found a fic that was perfect, wonderful. A brilliant AU, so well built, a whole damn WORLD in this AU that's so well written... but I hate the main pairing and I love death. I'm still going to read it, I think -- it's only a couple of chapters in, but the author's note at the beginning says that it's finished and is going to be updated twice a week or so until it's all posted. Sigh... I actually went and read a couple of other fics for the pairing, to try and get myself to like it, but it didn't work. And one left me wondering if I need to pour bleach into my computer or something because while the tags said age difference, they didn't specify how much of one and I seriously wish I had never opened it because I'm afraid I'll be arrested or something.

bluegansey: clarke griffin turned away on a green background (clarke griffin green)

 Things... certainly... happened. Getting four hours of sleep wasn't very productive today.

My mom had her Program here in the morning, so I watched shows on her laptop and ended up watching Under The Red Hood because I'm not great at impulse control. It was good! And I've realised that I'm basically somewhat in love with every member of the Batfam. They're all so great... I cry. And almost caught up on the Great SW Rewatch. Currently I'm one day behind -- I have to watch 2.04 Senate Spy next. The Geonosis arc is up after that, and I'm really excited because Barriss and Luminara. Anyway, the specific episodes I watched today were 2.02, 2.03, 2.17, 2.18, and 2.19. And one episode of Young Justice -- Bereft, I can't remember the episode number.

I read a fair amount of fics today -- mostly rereads of ones I've read over the last few days, for some reason -- and posted a new fic! I know I should be working on my WIP, but I wrote that whole damn fic within 24 hours and just posted it. I'm not entirely happy with it -- especially the title -- but I do like it and hope that the sixth (!!!) total fic for that pairing will inspire others to ship as well. Luke/Ezra is so pure, so good. I mean, I made them fucked up and unhealthy in my fic, but still. I also started reading Check Please! because I kept seeing it on my dash. It's pretty good! I don't really read webcomics -- this is the second one I've read, I think, Contrasts being the first -- but I like them, I think. Though it's a great way to spend an entire evening reading and not even realise it, yikes.

I was supposed to have a meeting with my teacher today, apparently -- I didn't know about it -- and I freaked out when my mom told me and she talked to my teacher instead, or something. I don't really want to think about that. She also emailed my 800-word-long essay about my possibly abusive past to my therapist (without reading it) and now I'm worried about seeing her tomorrow, because it's an issue that I've buried for a really long time. And also I didn't eat sugar all day, to prove I could do it, and I was still mentally ill and having mood swings and snapping at everybody for small things, so. That wasn't great. And also went to Kin's Marketplace twenty minutes before it closed with my brother and dad to buy a watermelon (I ate nearly half of it) and pink lady apples, and my brother got a cinnamon bun from Cobs. Which I couldn't eat because of the sugar thing. Sad. And I think I'm crashing from not sleeping enough the past few nights, so.

bluegansey: peggy carter holding captain america's shield on a blue background (peggy carter blue)

 I'm so tired. Not physically -- I got lots of sleep last night and it's not even midnight. But my mind just feels like it wants to sleep for a year or so. Everything takes so much more effort than I have. Except I actually did things today, so maybe I'm just lying to myself.

I read two entire books, which felt like a literal miracle when it first happened. The first one was Fan Art by Sarah Tregay, which I haven't read before but bought yesterday because it looked interesting and gay. It was good! Fluffy, sweet, very gay. Though with some frankly alarming misconceptions about how fandom works. That wasn't a huge focus, but it really threw me. I mean, when you're doing a compound ship name, you don't put a slash in the middle of it. That's not how it works. And fanart is one word... anyway. The other one was Aristotle and Dante Discover The Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Sáenz. I've read it before, and it was a really fun reread. And also gay. I guess I just really wanted to consume gay YA lit today.

I had choir practice today, and I, uh... didn't go. I was a little late to leave, since I had to take transit, so I got to the library -- about five minutes away -- when it was supposed to start, and sort of broke down. I ended up going to the library, paying off my fines, taking out Watchmen (the comic) and the going to the mall for dinner after about an hour and a half at the library wandering around. Got a Greek wrap and an Orange Julius and now I'm nearly out of money again and I'm just so tired. I couldn't make myself get to choir. I just.... couldn't. Everything just feels so hard right now. And I feel awful.

Uh, also watched TCW 1.17/1.18. Not much to say. Reread a DC fic I read yesterday because it was really good, tried to read one in my saved for later and ended up deleting it because it was really, really bad. I felt bad, but probably not as bad as I should have because it was like... a slavery AU. And I was mostly reading it for pure "wow, that is truly something", I guess? And it was pretty shocking, I guess, but I couldn't even find it fascinating because of the painful grammar. Although I randomly got an original story idea about slavery, which I might write -- I got about 200 words down -- but wouldn't publish. IDK. I find slavery AUs somewhat fascinating, which might be the worst thing I've ever admitted to online. I should log off before I can rethink this admission.

bluegansey: amy pond holding a book with a yellow background (amy pond yellow)

 I honestly feel really adrift and stressed about being adrift, which is, you know, not especially fun. I actually Did Stuff today, though -- I mean, sort of. I finished Voyage of the Dawn Treader, which has been sitting almost finished on my bedside table for weeks, finished The Second Robin collection of comics, and read The Killing Joke. Also finished Red Hood and the Outlaws Vol 1. So overall pretty productive? I guess. The next Batman comic I need to read is The Cult, which is 200 pages on my comic reader -- not too bad (The Second Robin was 443) but kind of... long... though I really like Jason Todd so I can do it, I guess. That issue where he straight-up murdered a guy... iconic. I've already read more comics with him in them than Dick, which is kinda weird? (Also I vaguely ship him and Dick. Though that's less because of their interactions in The Second Robin and more due to Jason saying how much he hated Dick and wanted him dead in RHatO. I wonder if there's Fandom Discourse around the ship? Hmm.) I wonder if there are any modern comics around of his run as Robin... I mean, I'm sure he's more interesting as Nightwing, but I'm still interested. Maybe flashback stories like Robin Year One (I think that was a flashback of sorts. Or at least published out of its time. Or maybe I'm thinking of Batgirl Year One.)

Okay, cutting myself off from the ranting. On schedule with the Great SW Rewatch, with two episodes today: Jedi Crash and Defenders of Peace. Aayla episodes! I love her. And I'm finding that I vaguely ship her with Anakin? But mostly in a friendly-exes sort of way. As in, they dated for a month as teenagers and then broke up with no hard feelings. I mean, not canon, obviously, but idk, I kinda like the idea. And I always love the contrast of Anakin and Ahsoka with more traditional, anti-attachment Jedi. (Luminara in Weapon's Factory is another great example.)

Also went to a one-woman show about depression and anxiety and it was really interesting. Janna came as well, that was also interesting. Apparently we're going to see more shows and going shopping at some point before she heads home? Whenever that is. As much as I feel like I'm drifting, she probably is drifting more; I can't help but feel kinda bad for her. Health issues, unemployment, etc. I mean, I'm sure it'll work out: she's going to start getting disability payments soonish. So yeah.

bluegansey: clarke griffin turned away on a green background (clarke griffin green)

 So I went to therapy today and basically just talked about Hell Month. And she was full of suggestions about what I can do not be suicidal and energy-less all the time, which basically boiled down to exercise and eating better. And "I know you don't have the energy for it, but do it anyway." I'll try. I guess. I planned to do one thing, starting today -- short exercise every 30 minutes -- but completely forgot, so. I'll try to remember tomorrow. I just... keep feeling worse about my therapist, because I feel like her whole idea about treating me is "making my life better". Which isn't a bad thing, but it means we never talk about my actual issues unless they directly affect me at that moment. I remember once bringing up some sort of ingrained mistrust of my mother or something and she just shut it down when I said that it didn't affect me on a regular basis. I mean, I could be misremembering, it was a while ago, but... I have so fucking many deep and buried issues that I feel like I need to work through, and that's not what she seems to be for.

I don't know what to do. I wanted to see her again next week, but apparently it's too soon because we've had so many sessions already (idk) so it's just over two week and. I just really have a lot of stuff to get off my chest and don't want to wait that long. Because I've been thinking about my abusive piano teacher from when I was 11 or so again and my deeply rooted trust issues and I didn't even get to bring it up because the whole session was suggestions on Improving The Quality Of My Life. And my mom was there the whole time. And it didn't feel like anything productive happened.

Uh, moving on... I also went to the chiropractor, it was weird, I actually have weird back issues apparently, and I'm reminded strongly of how weird it is when anyone who's not in my immediate family (or, I guess, just my mom) touches me. (Ah yes, touch issues! Which I've never brought up in therapy before. I really should, since "if anyone touches me when I didn't initiate it I feel like I want to burn my skin off" is probably... kinda major?) After that I had the worst headache of my life (not saying much, since my pain threshold is so low and my pain experience is so mild) and caught up on the Great SW rewatch! 1.08-1.12. Luminara is amazing and perfect, Kit Fisto is pretty cool, Jar Jar is annoying but no one is surprised, Anakin and Obi-Wan are a married couple. Also Obi-Wan's moment of a Scottish accent never fails to make me laugh. Also Hondo electrocuting Anakin and Obi-Wan in a giant heart. Subtle.

Spent all day thinking about DC as well and read a couple of fics (this series) and I'm in love with Joyfire, to be honestly. In love!!! It's nice. Also made apple/curry/celery salad for the first time in a while and found the MOST EPIC SMACKDOWN on the Ace Discourse issue (here). And made a Pinterest board for my OC. I just copied pins from the board for the whole story, but I think I accidentally moved some pins and didn't just copy them, so that's annoying and I really can't fix it. And I'm sure I'm forgetting something but fuck it, I really need sleep right now.

bluegansey: harley quinn with a baseball bat across her shoulders and blowing bubblegum on a brown background (harley quinn brown)

 A Day Where I Did Nothing And Was Exhausted Anyway, basically. I watched AotC, so I'm not caught up on the SW rewatch but I'm... closer... I have two TCW episodes and the CW movie tomorrow now. At least the movie is pretty short, iirc -- 90 minutes or so? And I don't think it's as torturous to watch as AotC was. I'm still cringing over most of it. Though I went and looked for the deleted scenes after I finished it and that was pretty cool. Also watched a couple of Young Justice episodes -- yeah, I could have watched TCW there, but I needed something non SW as a palate cleanser after the disaster that is AotC. I mean, okay, I do like some of it -- Jedi, mostly, i just love Jedi that is all -- but damn. It was harder to watch than TPM and I honestly think it rates lower on my personal movie preference order. Which is 5, 3, 4, 6, 1, 2 now, I guess.

Also made fudge, which may have been a disaster but I haven't eaten any yet -- it's setting -- so we'll see. Managed to actually make a decent breakfast, too -- an eggs-and-hashbrown-and-peppers-and-onion-and-cheese thing -- which is kind of a miracle at this point. And over dinner my dad brought up a discussion we've somehow avoided for months: that we need to move the desktop (which I use) so my mom can use the office with her laptop. Which, I mean... I get it. It's not fun for anyone that she's currently using the kitchen table as a desk. But there's basically nowhere else in the entire house with any semblance of privacy -- other than upstairs, which is Not Happening. The only possible solution that I can think of is in the living room, next to the TV with the computer facing the window. Which would work and give some privacy but would also be very difficult if anyone is using the TV. And one thing I really like about the office is that if someone's here, I can just close the door and not deal with it. I wouldn't be able to do that if we move the computer -- and I'm basically the only one who uses it, too, so it's just. Tiring. And I don't want to think about it anymore. But it's going to be reality very soon.

I'm also reading more of Dark Force Rising, finally! I got to about halfway through, which is even more exciting than it sounds because the last book in the series had about 150 pages of previews, so I think I'm pretty close to the end. Leia and Chewie might be escaping weird-planet soon, Mara just saved Luke from that Jedi master dude who is really not a Jedi master in the slightest in order to save her sort-of boss dude and now they're stuck on Thrawn's ship, and who the hell even knows what Han and Lando are doing... something. I can't remember it. Also I spent the last half hour trying to find somewhere to download Red Hood and the Outlaws and I had to stop because I think I almost gave my computer a virus. SKETCHY WEBSITES ARE SO ANNOYING.

bluegansey: close-up of ahsoka tano looking down and to the left (ahsoka tano gray)

Day 2 of the Great SW Rewatch, and I'm back on track! I finished TPM and reread the Obi-Wan & Anakin comic. It's not my favourite comic -- Kanan is first, then Princess Leia -- but it's always fun for Obi-Wan and Anakin feelings. Ah, I love them. I'm also just sad about Obi-Wan a lot. Also watched the second episode of The X-Files with my mom. It's good, I think! And apparently someone we knew a few years ago was in it, but I didn't recognize him even when my mom pointed him out, so idk.

My dad went to Saskatoon and came back within the day. I think he went to buy a car or something, but I really didn't have the energy to ask since he got home at 11:30pm. Also I spent a while puzzling over the origins of my trust issues, but I've known the likely answer for a long time (my piano lessons when I was a kid) and so it wasn't really useful, it just made me upset. And Janna came over a bit, so my assumption from yesterday was wrong. And I spent a long time on TVTropes and downloaded a bunch of music from here. That playlist made me miss Vampire Academy again... I should reread it once I finish Carry On and the Thrawn trilogy. And Harry Potter. I'm also almost done reading the driver's handbook thing and actually passed a practice test, so I might get my learner's soon! Very cool.

Oh, and apparently the results of my blood test were that I have low iron and my thyroid is fine, but my mom thinks that they report it as fine even when it's not so she wants to check my actual numbers for some reason. And also apparently I have high levels of... something... that I'm taking supplements for and my mom laughed it off as... paranoia, I guess? I don't know. I just got really frustrated listening to her talk about it because hello, she doesn't know better than actual doctors. But she thinks she does. So there's that.
bluegansey: harley quinn with a baseball bat across her shoulders and blowing bubblegum on a brown background (harley quinn brown)

 Went to the PNE today. Janna didn't end up coming, which I sort of... guessed would happen? I feel like after she her kids left, I wasn't going to see her again for a few months. This is the third or so time she was supposed to come over and didn't, so idk if my subconscious knows something or I just guessed well. Anyway, it was kind of boring -- not much to do -- but my mom's friend Lori, who I barely know, happened to be there that day and posted on FB about it, so we met up with her. There was a band that also danced, Superdogs, an exhibit about androids and aliens, and not much else. My dad, my brother and I went on a ride that spins around and pins you to the wall. It was very painful. We didn't spend any time in the marketplace even though my parents said we would and I got really upset and fell into a hole of misery, which sounds melodramatic but is actually just really scary. Because my brain is really scary when I get upset and I don't know what to do about it.

Not much else, since I was out all day... sort of started the Great SW Rewatch, but it was too late to finish TPM and putlocker kept glitching, so I have to put it off until tomorrow. Read some more DC comics -- I'm a couple issues into The Second Robin now. It's good so far and I really do like Jason, though I'm sort of wondering what happened to Dick? Like, did he just leave? Also, where is Barbara, I thought Batgirl: Year One was set before this comic, even though it was written later.

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bluegansey: wonder woman with a hood over her head holding her lasso (Default)
Nicola

July 2017

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