bluegansey: harley quinn with a baseball bat across her shoulders and blowing bubblegum on a brown background (harley quinn brown)

 I'm not entirely sure about anything today. I feel kinda vaguely tired and unfocused and like I have so much to do but I just... can't. I spent most of the day eating candy because the idea of eating real food made me feel sick (and then when I told my mom she told me it was all in my head. thanks mom) and two whole apples and like half a pomegranate -- I'm still working on it. I read some fic; an unlinkable one, and this amazing Young Justice fic. Seriously, it was so great. And... yeah. Not much else? I started reading another fic and then completely noped out when it used butter as lube (for the LOVE of GOD) and downloaded a bunch onto my kobo so I can read them later.

Okay, major thing: I RAN OUT OF SONGS ON SHUFFLE. For a lot of reasons, this happens... so rarely. It's been over a year, I think -- I think it was November of 2015 last time I shuffled my main playlist. And I usually listen to music by getting to a song, and adding a bunch of songs to play next that are visible from where that song is (idk how to explain it) but now I'm just. Shuffling. And letting it play. It's freeing, almost. And the first song that played this time was American by Lana Del Rey, for reference.

I also made the really difficult decision of stopping something that I've been doing for over a year -- writing down the numbers for tumblr. At the beginning of each day, I write out the number of posts (well, in the hundreds, not the thousands, unless I hit a new thousand) so I can tell how much I posted each day. And the number of posts in my queue, although at this point I only use a queue on one of my blogs. And I realize that I need to not do it anymore, because it's not a good or healthy routine. For several reasons. And christ, the anxiety is hitting me, but... I'll live. I think. I'll be okay.

I did some other things as well -- three different tagging games. And this happened. And... this, which was less than fun. And I had a bath. And I wanted to watch a movie -- Justice League vs Teen Titans, which I haven't seen -- but I couldn't. And idk man. I'm just gonna go to bed.

bluegansey: padme amidala on a blue background (padme amidala blue)

I really don't want to post this but hey, posterity.

just whining and nothing else )
bluegansey: close-up of ahsoka tano looking down and to the left (ahsoka tano gray)

I don’t know.

I finished reading a long SuperCat fic. Watched one episode of Supergirl. Read various other fics. Went to the mall for Greek food, saltines for a recipe (note: got those at the dollar store, along with some candy and noisemakers for New Year’s, and saw my former Drama teacher there), and a Christmas gift for my mom — a winter hat. Also a scarf for myself. And bread — the bakery didn’t have sourdough so I got multigrain.

Now I’m just feeling blank and bored and I was rereading saved fic on my computer and I had a fight with my mom over the internet and I’m just overall really sad and I feel vaguely lonely and miserable and cut off from the world since I have no internet. And I want to write but the spark is just… not there. And I’m just sad. Jabba the Hutt/Diego Luna memes are my only friends right now.

bluegansey: amy pond holding a book with a yellow background (amy pond yellow)

 God, I am so exhausted... I was out basically all day and now it's just past 2am and... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Chiropractor in the morning, which was... fine, I got a worse headache than last time but it didn't last long, and my mom and I went out for sushi (well, tempura, teriyaki chicken and edamame, but it was at a sushi place) after. And I went straight from there to a choir concert at the school. It's a concert with all the various bands and stuff, and this was technically a rehearsal for our actual concert on Tuesday. It went fine, I guess; my brother was watching, which I didn't know beforehand, but it's not a big deal. And since we ran a bit late (something about bass guitars and cables) the last band to play didn't have any audience, except the choir, since most of us stayed in support.

After THAT, I went to a ballet performance that my neighbour was in. It was about three hours long, with the added factor of having to socialize with someone I haven't seen since I was... eleven-ish. And back then they identified as a girl. It's a sort of weird complicated situation; we were friends, and I knew from the start (literally on the first day of class) that they had been "born a boy but identifies a girl" and now I guess that's just? Not a thing anymore? And it's not like I begrudge him figuring out his identity and stuff, it just makes me feel like I don't know where I stand because I don't know him anymore! I dunno, man. I am honestly trying so hard to figure out if I'm being transphobic here, and I really hope not, because I really don't want to be, but I'm cis so of course I've internalized stuff. And ugh, I'll just move on.

I read a fic. It was marked with such tags as "everybody dies" and "everything hurts" and I read it anyway and now I'm... really fucking sad. Because I just wanted to read another fic in that series with a pairing I love, but now I know how they end up in that verse, and I don't want to ever think about it again because it fucking hurts. A lot. And not even in just the death way, there's additional fucked up elements other than the fact that it ends up over a century after the beginning of the story and literally everyone I care about dies within the story. Except the main character, because he's immortal! And it's the Worst Fucking Thing Ever! And I am just ranting now but I'm sad and upset that I spent like all day reading this fic and now I lowkey want to die because I've been hit with the inevitability of death and pointlessness of life. I read some other fic that mostly cheered me up but STILL. I need to sleep.


bluegansey: wonder woman with a hood over her head holding her lasso (Default)

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