So I started seeing a new therapist today? It was... okay. I don't know. It's a little weird because she talks really soft and is really comforting and it kinda sets me on edge but I really don't know how to say that. Also, hypnotherapy. About The Discourse™. And I got Dairy Queen after.
Other than that... not much else? Got beta notes back for Lights 5, and it should be ready to post tomorrow, which is... relieving and also I feel anxious but. Relief. I'll hold onto that. I also watched Black Mirror -- finished White Bear (which. Damn) and watched Men Against Fire (which. Nice). I think I really like Black Mirror. And School Group Chat Things; that was fun. I made this because. It's us.
And I called Keith an edgelord and it's his name now. And I'm EXHAUSTED, I'm going to bed.
Slightly good thing: I finally (FINALLY) got through the backlog of bookmarks I've been meaning to transfer from my current ao3 to my alt one. And then I read a bunch of other fic. Fun times. It was a great feeling, actually -- I still have to edit my ficrecs page and add a bunch to it, but that's a project for another day. Probably tomorrow; my mom's going to Seattle for the day/night and I'll have lots of free time.
Also, the camping trip I'm going on with my school is being more planned! It's going to be on Salt Spring (Ruckle Park) for two nights. Five people are definitely coming, and a few others may or may not. A few people probably don't know about it; we've emailed now, so anyone who doesn't use the chat will see. I'm actually pretty excited; we'll get to play Cards Against Humanity. Priorities, clearly.
I'm... sure other things happened today, I just can't think of them. Oh Well. I should be sleeping anyway.
I've gotten out of the habit of doing these, yikes. I'll try to do better. I'm on spring break now! I changed my twitter @ (to @lumineras) and life is... good, I guess? I'm in a weird place where hearing certain things skyrockets my stress level (and a lot of them are things my brother does all the damn time. hahaha. fun.) but I can deal with it I think?
My school week was pretty good, actually. Megan and Mila were both away so it felt a little weird/unbalanced, but other than that... Leichelle visited from Sunday night to Monday afternoon, and we had another visitor on Wednesday. Also on Wednesday we went geocaching and had a car wash to raise money for legal fees for the First Nations suing against the Kinder Morgan Pipeline. Yes, there's a lot of irony in doing a carwash to raise money against an oil pipeline, but also we made almost $450 in two and a half hours, so. I also got a hat! It's been passed around a fair bit, so it's been pretty fun to wear. It's very comfortable.
I also had a twitter conversation sort of about how apparently Batlantern is now "toxic and abusive" because Bruce is evil and manipulative and Hal is a gullible baby apparently. Because logic! And someone asked me my opinion on rpf, so that was... fun to write about. And I ordered some socks. And I went to see Hidden Figures again, this time with my mom. And I'm going to have a bath and chill and go to bed.
It's been wayyyy to long since I did an entry, whoops. This school week I was on Galiano! I wasn't super looking forward to it, because it was just about forest restoration and we had to sleep in tents, but. Well. The first day, it was snowing. REALLY HARD. So tents were out (though a couple of people slept in them anyway bc??? idk???) and that was okay. And then the forest restoration part was SUPER INTERESTING. The first day we built the borders of our plots (in groups of 4, I was with Mila, Sinead and Conner), the second day we mapped it and marked down the tree information, and the third day we did some calculations and chose which trees and how many trees to Mark For Death (if the conservancy gets money for it). It was really cool to learn about the health of forests and how forests can recover -- or not -- after being clearcut, and yeah. We also got to pull over a tree and it was AMAZING (even if Sinead and Conner did most of the pulling, which Mila shouted encouragement and I helped guide the course of the tree so it didn't get caught in another tree). I learned SO MUCH IT WAS SO GREAT.
The sleeping was... not so great. The first night was the worst night I'd had in a good long while, because my ground mat was TERRIBLE and NOT INFLATED PROPERLY so it hurt to much to sleep on either side. I ended up mostly sleeping on my stomach and my neck got FUCKED UP. And then the fire died in the night so I could see my breath in the air when I woke up for the final time in the morning. Also I hate sleeping bags to it was mostly unzipped (with my feet tucked in at the bottom) and so I was FREEZING in the morning. And then we had no water :) because it FROZE. The second night was... mildly better, since I told all the people sleeping by the fire (I was sleeping in an Indoor Tent) to add wood if they woke up, so it didn't go out, and I put a bunch of my clothes under the pathetic mattress to make it a little more comfortable. It wasn't great, but it could've been worse. Also Keith was talking about comics and I joined in on the conversation and we Bonded over comics. It was nice. Next week he's bringing Death Of The Family (since I haven't read all of it) and I'm bringing Princess Leia so we can swap and read. It's lit.
Other Galiano things... we're going to Pender next week but just for the day to judge a science fair. Probably walking involved. I'm dead. I talked about musical theatre camp with Mila and Sinead and now Mila might go this year :') and I made the Quote Wall FOUR TIMES! They were:
- [in reference to the cherry trees in our plot] They're all dead. It's these goddamn Douglas Firs.
- [after laughing at Sinead falling and then falling on my ass not 30 seconds later] That was karma. I can feel it.
- [while discussing forests in texas] I thought Texas was just deserts and racism. (Mila added "the Bushes" as well so the quote will be attributed to both of us)
- Also idk if it's going on the wall but I said it and Sinead wrote it down so... maybe?: Forever is just until the earth is swallowed by the sun.
Also Mila and I bonded more on the ferry rides. She told me she's pan, we bonded over Awkward Parents Re: Sexuality And Other Social Justice Things, we exchanged numbers (FINALLY) (also we were texting today) and yeah. It's cool.
Now onto actually today...
Went to the dentist and idk if they FIXED the problem I've been having for weeks but... hopefully? Maybe. On the way there I had a huge fight with my mom about supplements and how I can't take antidepressants because "people kill themselves when they take them" and yeah. That was fun. Then I had choir rehearsal which was fun but Leichelle wasn't there, meaning I was the only Whistler group soprano and I kept fucking up my part and it was super obvious. And then tonight there was a play at the local HS called The Ash Girl and it was really good, though some girls sitting next to me and my mom were talking for most of it (which is really fuckin disrespectful lol). I got a cupcake though so that was good (and also a creme egg from Staples of all places). And tonight I WROTE THINGS -- 13k so far! It's for a Really Bad Pairing (like.... so bad) and coincidentally enough, that same ship tag updated today for the first time since November. It was a fic, which was nice, but it had a pretty weird kink, which was... less than nice, though I read it anyway and it wasn't too bad. Anyway. I'll work on the fic a little more and go to bed.
I think I really am sick, and that's where I've been for the past two days. I'm exhausted. Like, almost-fell-asleep-at-nine-pm-last-night exhausted. I've gotten a fine amount of sleep, so it's not that. And also I can't... breathe properly and it's getting worse. The doctor said it was probably from campfire smoke but I don't think so since... it's getting worse and I'm not near any smoke. I'm going to go to bed soon, hopefully it helps.
In other news... yesterday my [redacted device which makes me a tiny amount of money per month] broke, which is annoying, but I couldn't have brought it to Galiano anyway so it's not that big of a deal. And I also had a mental breakdown yesterday because my dad's friend made a "triggered" joke and I ended up crying and I still feel super emotional. And I didn't even pack until ten at night and it only took fifteen minutes but there was so much yelling and I just. I can't deal with this.
Anyway. I've download the ASOUE books and I'm going to start them while I'm away. And the Oscars sound great, though I wasn't watching -- the Moonlight thing? ICONIC. Truly beautiful. And I'm just gonna go finish reading some fic and go to bed.
I've been feeling kind of melancholy all day, and even though I kind of got some things done -- moved my clothes from my old dresser to my new ones, took down a random newspaper article which has been on my wall for at least six or seven years, made jello, and took a huge chunk out of the process of transferring my ao3 bookmarks -- I still kinda feel. Tired. And lonely. And lost. I sorta realized that while I'm on Saturna I don't really feel like myself, because the two things that I feel define me -- fandom and writing -- are completely inaccessible while I'm there, and it's not a good feeling. It mostly feels empty and alone. And my mom was all "just get a new hobby" but??? I don't know what the hell else I'm supposed to do? I've defined myself as a writer for over a decade, and I'm only sixteen. It's a major part of my identity. I can't just "get a new hobby". And fandom literally saved my life and it's at least 50% of the reason that I keep going. I don't know what to do about it.
Other than that... I went out for wings with my parents because they were going to go out for coffee but I also wanted to get out of the house and they took me out for dinner instead. I'm trying to convince my dad to buy me Cards Against Humanity. And then my dad and I were talking about racism and I ended up explaining asexuality to him, so that was fun. And... not much else I think?
This school week was... tiring. But actually really nice.
It was only the second week that I've actually been at Saturna all week, since there was the snow week and last week we were at Pender for two days, so I didn't really know what to expect. There was more "school" stuff than I expected, but it was pretty much fine -- and apparently it was an unusual amount, so there'll be less of it later. Leichelle and her younger brother and parents were visiting today; it was nice to see her, and show her around a little. Mila gave a tour of the Hollow and I got to see what the observation ridge looks like in daylight! And apparently there's a rotting deer body still by the pond. Which... yeah. Also! We had a "funeral" for the dead bird at the end of Dorianna's driveway. We put it in a cracker box and put it in a fire. We tried candles but it didn't really... work. There was glitter. We sang "Amazing Grace" but only the first verse because Sinead was the only one who knew the rest. Also on Monday some kids from a school in Victoria came for the day and we got to be leaders, which was fun. I was paired with Quynn and it was good. And I was on food and that went well also!
Besides that.... not much else, that was what I was doing, basically. I should go to bed.
I FEEL KINDA GOOD ABOUT LIFE RIGHT NOW. Like I got a thing done that I should have done weeks ago, I talked to someone (Jayna) for like an hour without totally fucking up, I was stressed about the food thing (it's my food week) but it got resolved, and I have a fic ready to publish! I think I'll do it tomorrow; hiatus is meaningless right? Also I... need to publish something, even if it's not my WIP. It feels so good man, so good.
Other than that, I didn't do much today? Watched The Office with my dad and my brother -- finished season 2 and watched the first ep of season 1 -- and then all of the sudden at like ten at night Leichelle showed up at my door and asked if I wanted to go on a walk with her and Cat. It was nice; she said that one of her goals in life was to get me and Cat to talk more/be friends, and we hugged at the end, so that was good, I guess. My mom is in Portland for some reason and I kinda miss her since I won't see her till I get back from school, but... yeah. I also read a fuckton of fic today (and like... the whole conversation with Jayna was sparked bc she read a fic that I recced on my Bad Ships sideblog and loved it and I got to gush over one of my fav fics, it was so nice) and I'm... slowly clearing out my email, even if it's not complete. Jaytim Week: Valentine's Day Edition happened while I was away, so I have... a lot of fics to read. But it's happening.
Also A Thing happened yesterday and I didn't do an entry then so I figured I might as well now: my dad ran into someone I used to be friends with (and now am not bc she lowkey bullied me and I have anxiety attacks upon seeing her) and convinced me to text her bc apparently her life is going to hell in a handbasket and she needs a friend who isn't caught up in all the Neighbourhood Drama. I didn't know there was even drama, but to be fair, I don't really do anything in this neighbourhood (as demonstrated by the fact that L and Cat were walking at first with these two guys who have lived here for three years and I've never met them) and I wouldn't know about anything like that. Anyway, she texted first and I responded and she hasn't gotten back to me yet. I get the Anxiety™ but it's still a little frustrating and sigh. I don't know. I just... should sleep now. Yeah.
I FEEL LIKE I'VE BEEN GONE FOR A MONTH BUT IT'S ONLY BEEN FOUR DAYS. God. I'm just... exhausted and vaguely elated that I made it. Quick recap of all the days I was gone: Tuesday was a normal school day (whatever that means) but since there was a long weekend it was the first day of school. At 6am the next morning we took a ferry to another island, where we walked for an hour to a bible camp and then walked to a "farm" which was actually a circle of hell designed specifically for me. And then today, after a hideous, hellish night of (no) sleep, we did morning activities and then made a fire and ate and then I went home. Basically. Sorta?
We had to cook, dinner and breakfast, which was fine but there was drama of course. There was so much mud everywhere and it was rainy as hell yesterday so that only made it worse -- all my clothes are coated with mud, including my boots, and I am honestly SO GRATEFUL that I have rain pants. Also I Bonded with Mila on the ferry rides there and back. And I was reading some fic that I won't get into bc. Yeah. Anyway, I'm back now, went out to White Spot for dinner with Janna and Didier (still idk how to spell his name) and I had 130 emails when I got home. I still have... a lot to catch up on... but I'm going to bed now.
I'm so SICK of whining about my life but like. My brain hates me I think.
Since it's Family Day tomorrow (today actually) it's a holiday Monday, so I'm going to school on Monday night and coming back on Thursday. We're also going to Pender during the week and I have to buy some food for that. And also I have to pack a sleeping bag, so that's... nice. I have a better backpack, though -- an actual outdoorsy one that won't kill my back hopefully. On the subject of school, I also did the notes for my essay and started it, but it's... slow going because I honestly don't know what I'm supposed to write about. I'll figure it out. Or not.
Also watched two episodes of Young Justice (Misplaced and Coldhearted) and started Image before I had to go do schoolwork. I've been reminded a lot today of my really severe problem with secondhand embarassment, so there's... that. Image is... not good for that. There's a reason I've never rewatched it despite the hilarious intro. I also read a couple fics I think?? These two EXTREME PAIN Jason and Bruce fics (I almost cried so that's. A lot) and like. A couple others. Man idk. Also a person messaged me on my discourse and I told them my main bc Why The Fuck Not Right? They haven't responded so. Yeah. Also I went for a walk with my mom and the dog and realized that I have a really severe problem with people going near traffic. It sends me into a panic and sometimes there's crying and I just. Can't deal with it. And yeah. I'm just going to sleep now??? I really have a lot to do tomorrow.
There are... so many things that I actively need to do but I'm just not. I have to email back Issy and Heather and a few other people, I have an essay to choose a topic for and research and write, and I have to finish my IDS letter, and apparently now I have to figure out how to do "less screen time" whatever the fuck that means. And my room is still a disaster. And I just feel overwhelmed.( mental health stuff )
Uh, moving on. I'm reading this (cool timkon au thing), and also took a detour to reread this (very fucked up batlantern thing) because I was kinda bored and wanted a break from the timkon thing. I also reread these three fics at the naturopath because we had to wait forty minutes. As karma for being five minutes late I guess? And yeah. Idk. My brother was home sick from school, we watched a vine compilation that's like 40 minutes long, my dad brought home pizza for dinner and we watched the first (?) episode of Trailer Park Boys (which I made a joke about, and then hated. figures. I wanted to watch The Office anyway). And I spent a little while just now adding bookmarks to my new AO3 account. And I'm just gonna? Sleep now? I need sleep.
I just... can't really deal with anything right now. I have schoolwork due tomorrow at 5 and I'm going to be out all day and I just started it today. I still have a full essay to do. Tomorrow there's a gap in the middle of the day where I have nothing to do so I can work on it then but idk if I'll be able to finish it and I just. Don't know anymore. Right now fic is literally the only thing I can deal with.
I read a bunch of fic, I Stressed, I listened to a podcast in the bath (and was supposed to write something about it after, whoops, guess not) and I???? Didn't do anything else? I mean I was on tumblr a lot and did a few ask games (including this one. and Kyla messaged me to ask what the redacted ships were and I told her and we talked for a few minutes about this one housewife au series that we're both reading. it was cool) And... yeah not much else??? I also took my dog for a walk (in the SNOW) and fell on ice (into the SNOW). And yeah, it was snowing! I got a video.
I should... probably go to bed since it's not that late but I have to be up and I got so little sleep last night. (also just for fun my icon is from an episode of Doctor Who called The Snowmen. It's about snowmen and snow. I'm so clever (not really))
oh god i'm so tired and i have the Worst headache and i have so much i need to do but i'm just gonna make this entry bc there's a few things i want to remember from today
- set up new ao3 account, started the process of transferring bookmarks to it
- i mentioned the fact that batman has like ten kids during dinner, my mom was shocked, i mentioned robin, she said that "robin is batman's little buddy isn't he?" and then my brother tried to list them. he failed.
- Him: Dick... Dick Wayne! No. Dick-*points at me*
- Me: Grayson.
- Him: And then Tim - Wayne! No, wait-
- Me: *lists all of them*
- Him: *glaring*
- Before all of this, he logged me out of the computer because he thought I was at school. Even though I was here last night. I was in the middle of doing the AO3 bookmarks thing so I wasn't really happy.
- Callout discourse is kinda dying down I think? I'm less anxious about it.
- Therapy. For the first time in two months. It was okay but now I'm suddenly stressed again
- I'm trying to clear out my email so I can look at the schoolwork I need to do but it's so overwhelming even though it's like two assignments I just can't deal with it for some reason
It's been so long since I did an entry whoops. I started at Island School! It was good, and bad, and kinda just A Lot. I'm still not sure how I feel about it. But a few things: I walked into a thorny bush so one leg and both my hands are covered in tiny cuts, I found out that I am Not In Shape At All (which. fuck), the water wasn't working so I didn't shower the whole time I was there and it was utterly disgusting, the heat wasn't working the first two nights so that was... fun, and yeah. I liked it but I'm also glad that I'm not going next week bc I have an essay to write and I'm also completely exhausted mentally.
I also started this inspiration forum thing today... all day today, and I just realized I didn't do the homework I was supposed to do, god fucking damn it. I went out for dinner and then shovelled the front path and then tried to catch up on emails and then I saw a callout post that was directed at some people that I follow and have talked to a few times which threw me into a pit of anxiety. I'm just so fucking sick of anti mentalities and I'm just so upset. ANYWAY. Inspirational thing was okay, I don't really know what to say about it.
I'm also reading Some Things. While I was away at Island School I was reading this series. It was... good, I guess... the first one is pretty great and the second one seems to be just "let's make Dick Grayson's life more and more awful in increasingly graphic and horrific ways" which is... I mean, it's certainly a specific interest. I did finish up to the current chapter (44) but I honestly?? Don't know if I want to keep reading??? All the rape scenes are just... so much... it's really kinda stressful to read. The plot is good it's just a lot. Idk man. After I finished that I started rereading this (which I'm almost finished yay) because I love it. Only up to the current chapter, again (19) but it's so good. Also I'm using this icon because I miss Doctor Who so much, my nostalgia is Through The Roof. I want to rewatch series 9 so bad. SO BAD.
I don't really have time for a long entry right now (i have to go grocery shopping at 11 at night for Reasons) but:
Basically stressed all day (posted abt it) and,,, yeah. I still have packing to do... actually, all my packing, since all my clothes are in the wash. And I have to figure out food. But I went shopping today and it was pretty good. And I read through a lot of old AO3 bookmarks. Also I'm officially making a new AO3 account for Bad Content. I'm ready.
Because of this of course I was stressed as hell all day and I ended up baking Christmas crack again and almost had a breakdown because I couldn’t get the sugar and butter to mix properly. And I managed to convince my mom to buy me gum despite having a complete ban on chew it — I just. Needed it so badly because I need to chew something and right now it’s the skin around my nails and it fucking hurts a lot. I miss gum so much. I want to find some sort of fidget toy to fill the void, but I’m not really hopeful. Also the grocery store didn’t have pomegranates but I managed to get bread. And underripe mangoes.
( THIS GOT LONG )