WELL I WROTE THIS LAST NIGHT AND THEN FORGOT ABOUT IT. WHOOPS. ANYWAY.
I feel like I shouldn’t make entries prefaced with “i really wish I didn’t have to write this” considering I don’t actually have to write entries, at all, but, well. I’m trying to preserve some semblance of my life right now, considering my memory is so fucked that I can’t remember anything past a week ago, basically. And I don’t like talking about being suicidal or being the worst goddamn person alive, but that’s sorta a huge part of my life right now? So I really should. For posterity.
That was a really long way of saying “i’m so upset and want to die but also don’t want to talk about it”.
Christmas was fine. Really. I got Watchmen (the book), socks from two different people, underwear, chocolate-covered oreos (for some reason?) a magazine about Rogue One, iTunes gift card, Indigo gift card, Cineplex gift card, Cineplex admission for two, and a fitness tracker that I can’t use because my phone is too old. So I guess I’m getting a new phone.
We went to my aunt’s new house for the afternoon and evening, but first met them at a park — where my dog very nearly ran in front of a car. It was terrifying. I was screaming, and then I was shaking for ten minutes. I really fucking hope my parents understand, now, why I don’t fucking let her off leash at all of the places that they tell me to go — because all of them are near roads, and not enclosed, and whenever she’s with me she RUNS INTO THE FUCKING ROAD. ALWAYS. It was so scary. God.
Dinner was fine, we played apples to apples and a game with blocks afterwards, and then me, my brother, and my cousin watched the first hour or so of Suicide Squad. I remember it more now and really want to rewatch the whole thing. Although, Edgelord Jared Leto Joker is so fucking boring? Anyway. And I’m listening to Hamilton again and getting More Feelings.
I really need to stop being suicidal when my parents turn the wifi off without letting me do stuff first. I really really need to go to bed before I do something stupid.