I'm so SICK of whining about my life but like. My brain hates me I think.
Since it's Family Day tomorrow (today actually) it's a holiday Monday, so I'm going to school on Monday night and coming back on Thursday. We're also going to Pender during the week and I have to buy some food for that. And also I have to pack a sleeping bag, so that's... nice. I have a better backpack, though -- an actual outdoorsy one that won't kill my back hopefully. On the subject of school, I also did the notes for my essay and started it, but it's... slow going because I honestly don't know what I'm supposed to write about. I'll figure it out. Or not.
Also watched two episodes of Young Justice (Misplaced and Coldhearted) and started Image before I had to go do schoolwork. I've been reminded a lot today of my really severe problem with secondhand embarassment, so there's... that. Image is... not good for that. There's a reason I've never rewatched it despite the hilarious intro. I also read a couple fics I think?? These two EXTREME PAIN Jason and Bruce fics (I almost cried so that's. A lot) and like. A couple others. Man idk. Also a person messaged me on my discourse and I told them my main bc Why The Fuck Not Right? They haven't responded so. Yeah. Also I went for a walk with my mom and the dog and realized that I have a really severe problem with people going near traffic. It sends me into a panic and sometimes there's crying and I just. Can't deal with it. And yeah. I'm just going to sleep now??? I really have a lot to do tomorrow.
holy christ i CANNOT get things done apparently i think my brain is just fried i literally did NOTHING useful today god
i watched young justice. and started rewatching batman vs robin. i did some more edits on a snaibsel week fic and it's basically ready to be posted once i do a few more characterization checks and edits. i read a few fics. i made a bunch of angry posts on my discourse blog. and i also had a conversation with someone (not to be too specific) and she said that she wasn't sure she wanted to message me (for Complex Reasons) but then remembered that i'd reblogged one Very Bad Ship to my sideblog and figured she could trust me, which i found utterly hilarious (i was laughing SO HARD like damn i've never been so glad of reblogging something before) and also rie messaged me about a post and i ended up telling them about what i ship in the batfam and it was cool. i watched some vine compilations and sw video memes with my brother. and DIDN'T get any schoolwork done because i'm a fucking moron apparently
edit: well i just went and wrote 493 words of lights which isn't big but i haven't worked on it in literally two whole months (since DECEMBER FIRST) so it's an achievement. of sorts. i'd keep going but i have a really bad headache and it's not fun
I was almost not going to make an entry today because 80% of my day was something I don't want to discuss publicly (a lifestyle forum thing) but I actually wrote today!!! After... so goddamn long. 1.2k, finishing up a story for Snaibsel week (which was at the end of October *ugly laughter* hey at least now it can double for Femslash February). It's for day 6 (magic) and it's... not much related to the prompt, but it's a pretty open prompt? So I'm not that worried. It's really angsty, though, and deals a lot with Wally's death. So there's that. But I'm pretty proud of it I think?( cut for length, discourse, and Personal )
Minor good things? Other than writing. This happened. And this -- well the second one happened first actually but oh well. And yeah? I'm also rereading this because the other thing I was reading was getting explicit and I didn't want to read it in public.
Well, I got into the school. Not a surprise, it's not even full, but now I still have to decide if I actually want to go. It's... it's a lot. I don't know. I posted about it, and someone replied, but neither thing really helped. My mom was on the phone with the main teacher and that was... that was fine. I just don't know anymore.
I had choir, which was... decent. Not great, I felt kind of awful, but Leichelle was standing behind me and putting little braids in my hair, so I think I'm a winner here. After choir my dad drove her and her brother to the mall so they could wait for a pickup, and that was... fun. And amusing. I dunno. I also read A Fair Amount of fic today -- bad pairings, no one's surprised at this point. Well, I finished this one Superbat one. It was cute. Although I felt like I didn't recognize Bruce as a character, but I think that's because Nolanverse Bruce is not actually him. But I digress.
I also had a really long conversation with my parents which basically went from "so have you decided if you're going to that school yet" to "that thing you're going to will CHANGE YOUR LIFE" to "I know probably way more gay guys than anyone you know" (my dad) "yeah, because they're all flight attendants. all of them" (my mom) (like, really? really? and then my dad was like "yeah there's even one or two I consider my friends. and also I once told one of them that if I were gay he'd be My Guy") Like... why. And this took place after midnight. And I'm so tired. Ah... I also watched some Young Justice -- like, four episodes? 1.08 Downtime to 1.12 Homefront so... five. Huh. My brother watched some of them with me which was Nice.
HOLY SHIT Y'ALL IT'S CHRISTMAS.
So Christmas Eve was fun! My Granny and my uncle on my mom's side came over for dinner, and while it wasn't the most... riveting conversation, it was kind of nice. My uncle asked me if I'm still reading/writing and I danced around his questions about what exactly I'm writing, since, y'know, I'm not going to bring up fanfiction as a topic during Christmas. Not in the mood to defend it.
And... that's basically it? I'm continuing reading this fic, and I read a few other shorter ones. And I'm very happy that someone I follow who ruined their laptop a couple months ago had it repaired by their parents as a Christmas gift. I feel so happy for them :) and also they're going to continue writing a fic that I love with all my heart and soul, so that's another bonus. Uh. Anyway. I have to go to bed now, because my parents are still up (12:30am! and they're making breakfast, so they're in the same room as me. Sigh) and I need Sleep since I'm going to my aunt's house for Christmas dinner.
Also a pretty good day, despite being a little stressful! I'm glad.
My parents had a very small Christmas party tonight, and I had panto, so I was away for most of it. The cleaning was stressful, because my mom gets stressed and then angry while cleaning, but it went pretty much smoothly. I helped make this chili dip recipe we always use, and she made jelly meatballs that I don't like because it has chili sauce and I know it's not ketchup but it smells like ketchup so I can't eat it without feeling sick. Panto went pretty well, actually, though it was different -- the person who calls cues, who used to spend the duration of the show at a standing desk next to the fly rail, moved to the front of house, so I had to actually respond over headset when she gave me my cues. It went better than I expected, and didn't end up being super stressful -- the Assistant Stage Manager (ASM) was also on headset for a lot of it, so that took some of the stress out of it. And the show went smoothly, except for the ASM leaving on some backstage lights for a while after intermission and also one of the actors knocking a tree into a wall. And at the end, the director of the show brought the crew onstage to describe our jobs and stuff. Which was surprisingly okay and made me glad I wore my black-and-white cat sweater instead of the black hoodie I've usually been wearing.
By the time I got home, the party was mostly winding down, so I just took some cookies and eggnog (christ, that's most of what I ate today... I am just Not Hungry? I ate like one proper meal total) into the living room and continued reading this Bluepulse fic. It's really good so far, with some great emotional gut-punch moments. I started reading it at the panto, and I'm still reading it. Can't wait to see how it ends. I also read another cute fic just now that I can't link, but it was sweet Christmas fluff and I'm so happy about it. It made me smile so much. Also random side note but two different people asked me what I was reading on my kobo. The first one -- another crew at the panto, Alyssa -- asked what book it was, and I said it wasn't a book and then went oh shit and said that it was for school. And she pointed out that it was winter break and I forced a laugh and said that I'm online schooled. Which is not a lie, just very misleading. And then it was someone at the party, my neighbour, and she didn't ask for specifics, so I just said "A book" and she was all "ah, Nicola the Avid Reader. You've probably read that like three times already, right?" and I forced a laugh again. Ahaha.
And the Carrie Fisher thing. All I can say is that I really, really hope she's okay. 2016, you've already taken so much. Please.
*please heed the archive warning and tags!
Well, I posted the fic for Snaibsel Week today. Only just posted it here now, but hey, we're all only human. And also my brother's friends were here and it was Stressful. I sorta hated it for a while, since I rewatched the YJ Halloween episode (and the first one with Zatanna) and started thinking it was completely OOC for Zatanna to not like Halloween and it was stressful but. I like it better now and I'm glad I wrote it. I got a nice comment, to, and that was nice. I'm excited for tomorrow's fic. I'm editing it right now. Also read/reread fic: this gen Batfam one (reread), this Jason Todd-centric, mostly-gen fic about a suicide attempt and recovery (reread, and honestly I love it because it's so cathartic for me), [unlinkable], this Jaydick angsty fic (reread), [unlinkable], this soulmate AU for Snaibsel week (new fic), this Halloween Barrissoka fic (new fic), this Harleyivy fic (reread), and this Skysolo kidfic (new fic). I... did not realize how many that was.
Also it was Halloween! It was like usual. Slow at times, and then there's fifteen kids at once and oh god when will it end. I believe the number we landed on was 558 trick-or-treaters. Definitely more than last year; I can't remember the number from the year before last, but it was a bit more than last year, I think? So possibly the most we've ever had. There were two separate groups of like ten guys in shiny masks and it was SO CREEPY. My mom and I watched Community (s3 Halloween episode and s2 Halloween episode, though we only got halfway through the second one) in between groups of kids. And we ate so much candy. I'm going to be so sick tomorrow and it will be worth it. The fireworks were good, as usual, though I got ash on my face and smoke in my eyes, so that was... fun. I listened to music through it, as well, and that made it a little more fun.
I didn't do much else, I think? I talked to Rie a little about Jedi metaphors for fandom and also Yuri on Ice fandom discourse. And that was cool. Yeah. Gonna go back to editing now.
Well, this deleted everything I'd written and I want to die. I wish I were joking.
Sorta good day. Not really. Dinner happened. I reread a fic that's linked in there. I continued going through my video tag, which I started doing months ago and just stopped, in order to properly tag vines and bookmark fandom videos on chrome. I watched YJ episodes: Failsafe, Insecurity, Performance, Agendas (just the Justice League arc), Usual Suspects, and Auld Acquaintance. My dad and brother decided to be racist as a joke and were completely surprised when I got upset. I didn't watch the SW Rewatch episodes because I hate the Mortis arc. And now because I closed the tab and deleted everything, I'm one minor inconvenience away from destroying something valuable, so.
Okay, it's just past 2am as I type this and the only obvious symptom of tiredness I'm feeling is vague mental confusion. Like how a little while ago I saw a fic on AO3 tagged as Roy Harper/Jason Todd and my first thought was "Jason was barely in Young Justice why are you shipping him with Roy--ohhhhhh right". I have literally read Red Hood and the Outlaws, unlike about 99% of DC Comics, and yet. Uh, anyway. Sorta worrying. I mean, I'm also doing the thing where I get Overwhelmed By Feelings while reading fic and have to get up and walk in a circle before I can continue reading. (I was reading some fic that I will not link for reasons) But I'm not, like, actually tired. So that feels like a good sign. I got a fair amount of sleep (and had a weird dream involving running away from a hiking trip by going ahead on the same path that the group was taking. Uh, it made a little bit more sense in context. I think. I don't remember the context) and yeah, I'm rambling, moving on.
I thought I was going... somewhere today, but I wasn't, so I went with my mom to run some errands. Ended up going to Value Village and getting some long-sleeved shirts and a couple of pairs of jeans. I asked if I could go get more long-sleeved shirts and my mom made me go through all my clothes, and that's always traumatic because my hoarding tendencies get laid out in front of me and it's shameful. She made me get rid of a shirt I wear all the time just because there's a tiny hole in it. And then I had to admit that I'm keeping a ton of clothes that don't fit me and it was overall a Not Good experience. Anyway... while we were out, I was reading this fic (such a good) but also Watchmen, because I got it out of the library and now it's almost due back. I got a little bit into it (almost done chapter 2, I think) but was distracted by the fic. I hope I can finish it within the next two days, since the library increased the overdue fines and I cannot afford to pay $20 in fines again. We, uh, went to the library to pick up a hold as well and my mom's "e-card" didn't work. And we went to the grocery store, I got sad because no watermelons, I got some candy and I haven't eaten candy in a week so that's weird, and then we went to the dollar store and I got a hilarious card for my dad's birthday (along with two skor bars and a mars bar because chocolate. that's the third time I've gotten an excess of chocolate bars at that dollar store with that cashier, so that was a little awkward) and cutting off this paragraph now, whoops.
Caught up on The Great SW Rewatch -- at this point I think I'm going to stay caught up, mostly, because the idea of failure is horrific to me. The eps were the first Nightsisters arc -- 3.12 Nightsisters, 3.13 Monster, 3.14 Witches of the Mist -- and it was better than I remembered it being, honestly. Ventress is a really interest character, even if I don't especially like her. Though as much as I enjoyed the episodes, I will not stop being annoyed at the number of Nightsisters episodes we got (too many) compared to the number of Ahsoka and Rex, Obi-Wan and Ahsoka, or Padmé and Obi-Wan team-up episodes we got (none, on all counts). Like, come on TCW, you had this great opportunity and you DIDN'T USE IT. Ugh. Also rewatched YJ Bloodlines, which makes it the third time I've seen it. I just really love time travel tropes, shenanigans, and Bart Allen, so that episode is my aesthetic, basically. Even if there was too much plot. Also, I think YJ might be staying on Netflix! I got the thought in my head, sorta, when I saw that they'd added 85 shows and movies (!!!!), but I watched the episode and confirmed that there is no longer a little thing in the corner to say that they're taking it off Netflix on the 15th. Granted, it might just be because I've seen the warning a million times, but I'm optimistic. Short, not related note: I also finally snapped on the Lily Calloway issue on my discourse blog. I didn't get into detail, but there was emotion there. I'm mad. I love Lily and I'm mad.
Also read an entire book (!!!). It was Run by Kody Keplinger. Zoe mentioned it on twitter so I read it, basically. One of the main characters is legally blind, like Zoe (different condition but it was still interesting) and the other one was bisexual, so pretty good rep -- even if it was pretty white. Realistic, considering the setting, but still kinda :/. But it was good! I really enjoyed it. Though I didn't especially like the ending -- it didn't feel long enough and the conclusion felt kinda... flat. To me. But idk. Anyway I should go to bed -- with the final, just-remembered addition that my favourite Greek food place at the mall stopped selling beef souvlakis! I'm so mad. That was my order! Also I saw a great car outside the mall that was, like, an orange and purple layered colour or something, and had a bunch of superhero plushies and a pop figure on the dash. THAT'S MY FUTURE CAR, BASICALLY. Okay, I have to formally apologize for the length of this. I guess I am pretty tired.
It's been a while since I've been online this late, and I feel oddly... good about it? But I couldn't have picked a worse day, because we're going whitewater rafting tomorrow morning and are going to be out all day. Seriously, I have nothing scheduled in the morning at all on any other day within two or three weeks, and today I decide to binge read Young Justice fic past midnight. I just went through all the past fics of someone I follow on AO3, and I didn't read all of them (there were over 70) but a fair number. And then I fell into a new ship, which I'm furious about because while I'm totally here for shipping positivity and understanding that it's okay to ship anything, it's a ship that makes me feel awful and guilty for enjoying it. So I decided to go into the tag, read whatever interested me, and then abandon this ship before it can grow any more. Except, of course, there's one fic over 30k and I started it and I can't finish it tonight, so this ship is crossing into daylight. Fuck.
Other than that, read more of Six of Crows, played Crib with my mom and brother (my mom won, and I was last because I haven't played in years. Although I'd forgotten how much I really like it, so maybe I'll play it more), watched Young Justice (I have one episode left and I don't want to watch it yet), didn't catch up on the Great SW Rewatch bc Fic and then Crib, convinced my brother to at least watch some of one episode with me (Summit, I think, it was fun seeing his reactions to things), watched the second episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air because my brother wanted to (it wasn't terrible is all I can really say. Not my thing), went to Michaels for a frame for my Ahsoka print, which will cost A HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS AND I WANT TO DIE, also went to Staples, got in a fight with my mom because she said she'd take me out for lunch and then didn't and got mad at me for not reminding her or going when I went to the store, made apple curry salad and chili in retaliation, and I think that's it.
I think I need a job, to be perfectly honest. I think I need a mindless job that's hard but satisfying and that will allow me to relax and not worry about anything when I'm done for the day. Because today I just felt aimless and kept dreading schoolwork that I'll have to start tomorrow. At the very least, my therapist is back from her month-long vacation, so I'm going to therapy after what was possibly the worst month of my life. Well... I mean, I don't know if it was worse, but I can watch 20-minute TV episodes at this point and I couldn't for a while, so I'm at least more able right now, even if I feel awful. (Yes, that is an impossibly low standard. I'm also not writing anymore. I'm just not sure. Maybe it was the worst.)
I'm not caught up on the SW rewatch, but I watched up to yesterday's episodes, so I have five to watch tomorrow. I feel like I'll be a day or so behind until the 14th, since there's only one episode that day. Also watched Young Justice -- Depths, Satisfaction, Darkest, and Before The Dawn. I'm loving it, honestly. Bluepulse is #great, Artemis's storyline is looking cool, Aqualad's storyline is so exciting, etc. Though I'm really... not into M'gann's casual mind rape? Like. It's honestly really disturbing. And I'm starting to relate to Conner, mostly because of his reaction to that. Also went on some TVTropes pages about YJ, minor spoilers, etc. Also some other DC pages. And I read a little more of Red Hood and the Outlaws, and while I'm annoyed at Kori's outfit, I'm liking it. (Jason's best memory almost made me cry, so there's that.)
And the new Bastille album is out! I bought it, I'm listening to it right now, it's one good thing. And my mom's friend came over for dinner so I had to awkwardly use the computer and hope that she didn't look over at it, since it was right there. I was on TVTropes, I just scrolled quickly past the images.
Today was less Existentially Awful, but not great, so there's... that. I'm caught up -- for now -- on the great sw rewatch, and I watched a couple more episodes of Young Justice and spent some non-hellish time on TVTropes (aka I didn't get carried away and never feared my computer shutting down from the number of open tabs). But I'm still just so tired, and I opened up some schoolwork but didn't do any. And I'm having computer problems: the volume keeps getting stuck and I can't turn it up or down. I have had this problem before, but it was literally years ago and I remember it made me scared to unplug the headphones, which is not useful now because even though it seems linked to that, it's not the only cause and these headphones are shared and have to be transferred three or four times a day at the very least. And I don't even remember if I had that problem on this computer or the old one that sits dead in my closet while I wait for a miracle so I can recover my minecraft world I poured my heart and soul into when I was 12/13 or so.
I actually ate healthier today, as well -- my mom would say that's the reason I feel better, and I'd have to at least partially agree, unfortunately. My dad finished the fudge -- god, it didn't last long, which is so typical of this house -- and so I couldn't snack on it, and my biggest snack indulgence was some pita bread and tzatziki, which probably had too much bread but was still miles better than what I normally eat. And I actually had somewhat proper meals? A (healthy) smoothie for breakfast and a steak salad for dinner. I don't remember if I had lunch, but I think I did. Maybe. Or not. I didn't oversleep and have lunch/breakfast, I think, because sleeping on the couch makes it really hard to stay asleep if there's anyone else up.
Re: Young Justice, I finally found that YJ Twitter Valentine's Day Birdflash thing I kept hearing about (here, I guess I should add) and it was cool! I'm also liking S2 of the show so far, though I really wish more of the legacy characters from S1 were still around. I just finished 2.04, so Roy, Artemis and Wally showed up for the first time in the season, and... I'm interested to see where Roy's plotline goes, because damn, and I really hope there's more of Artemis and Wally. (I mean, from Spoilers I've seen, I'm pretty sure there is, but I hope there's more more of them.) But also, Batfam! Very small version, but still kind of awesome. And I'm sure I'm forgetting something major I meant to mention, but Oh Well.
I have three straight days of work starting tomorrow, which I feel terrible about feeling upset about. I mean, I'm making money, no one is forcing me to do this, and a few hours a day for three days is nothing comparing to actually working, but I literally cannot imagine summoning the energy to do anything, so it'll be interesting, to say the least. And I have a party on the 9th, which I'm excited about but also Energy. And I might actually end up going to that choir -- I don't know if I mentioned it, I was meant to join the local school choir even though I don't go there, but apparently it was full and I'm waitlisted. Which didn't bother me -- like, at all, because Energy and also I don't care about singing anymore even though I desperately want to -- but both of my parents are upset about it and my dad is apparently going to "go stand on someone's desk" tomorrow and get me in. I don't know. I wish I could care whether or not I do, but I don't, so.
Okay, I'm really glad I'm going to the doctor tomorrow, because this constant exhaustion is really Not Fun. Today was weird, kind of, but nice? Zoe came over, we talked about things, I made some honestly terrible vocal mistakes (I'm really bad at talking. I literally can't talk properly to save my life. I forget entire words and say the wrong thing and don't realize it and the longer I talk the more it happens) and I ranted a bit about the Ace Discourse and Young Justice. It was a good conversation overall, though!
My mom got mad at me about the Star Wars rewatch thing. I think it's mostly because she can't, for some reason, understand rewatching anything, and also because she seems to think that all energy is equal and if I have the energy to plan this (spoiler alert: I didn't plan it and all I did was copy it into Word and print it) then why am I not doing schoolwork? That sort of thing. And she said something about how she loves me and is going to take care of me, which for one thing terrified me because I think she's planning on cutting off my internet or something, but also might have hit too close to "you're just going to have to trust me" which is a phrase that I think literally triggers me (I'm not sure, it's only if someone in a position of authority IRL says it to me, but it's still pretty difficult to hear... always). And I freaked out and didn't eat dinner which, well, I'm regretting now. I think I've only eaten cereal, chips, a mango lassi (which I somehow spilled everywhere, but I made enough to still drink some after I lost the first glass) and a sandwich today.
Also watched Now You See Me. It was good, though The Twist seemed a little... too surprising? Maybe I should rewatch it or something, but I didn't see it coming at all. It was good, though! I love a heist movie, and while it wasn't exactly that, the whole "impossible thing happens and then explanation happens" is super fun for me. I'm usually not big into action, but that's the exception, generally. Also watched two more episodes of Young Justice and I think I'm settled on my ship for now. Artemis, Wally, and Robin -- which is called Museum Heist, either because there's a comic where they do a museum heist or because Rob+Wall+Art. If it's the second one -- I guess it probably is, even if they did rob a museum? -- then it's probably the cleverest ship name I've ever heard in my entire life. Like. That's so cool. Although, even though figuring out the name was a victory, since there's a tag I can go into now, the tag is not very active. I got two years back in five minutes of scrolling, which is honestly just depressing.
I'm so exhausted that I can't actually think properly, which is kind of worrying because two months ago this was a perfectly normal time to go to sleep and I've felt like this for at least an hour. I'm going to the doctor on Wednesday, though, so if my constant exhaustion is a physical problem, I'll find out. Anyway, I'm too tired for detail so this should be short.
My mom got home from her trip, which was nice in some ways but also... not. For one thing, one of her responses to me being upset is that I'm choosing to feel upset about it and I can just choose not too, which is a philosophy that I hate more than anything else. And she asked me why I didn't call her over a certain issue (we were out of dishwasher soap and couldn't find more) and I panicked and said that I forgot she has a phone. Also watched Stranger Things -- I've seen the last three episodes, but she hadn't, so we watched them together. And she actually agreed with me that Mike and Will look really similar and didn't get mad when I pointed it out. Like my brother always did when we were watching.
Watched more Young Justice. I'm up to episode 12 now. I really like Artemis and kind of ship her with Robin (and I know where "Traught" comes from! I actually guessed but I dismissed it as a dumb way to choose a ship name. But that's how it was, I guess) and also with Wally. And I'm... not so sure how I feel about Supermartian, but it's kinda cute, I guess.
Now I really need to go to bed.