bluegansey: wonder woman with a hood over her head holding her lasso (wonder woman brown)

 I finally saw Wonder Woman yesterday!!! I didn't love all of it, and the dialogue felt a little clunky in parts (though I'm really sensitive to that so it's almost definitely a personal problem), but OH GOD, I WAS REALLY EMOTIONAL. Like, I got to the theatre and I was excited and then the movie started and I just grabbed my mom's wrist so hard and was like "OH MY GOD THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING". Like, I didn't grow up idolizing Wonder Woman -- I was remarkably superhero-indifferent as a child, and until I got into Marvel a couple years ago -- but it was a superhero movie about a woman, and even if I hadn't gotten Super Into DC a few months ago, I would have been excited. As is, I was choking down tears for easily the first half of the movie. The second half was... less good, idk. WonderTrev didn't really appeal to me, and the Massive Superhero Fight at the end was exhausting to me (I hate fights like that!!) but the actually movie ending was emotional and enjoyable.

I loved, loved, loved the Amazon fight scenes at the beginning. I know other people have said it before, but a scene with women fighting where they weren't sexualized. Where the camera focused on the fight and not their bodies. It was so unexpectedly emotional, because it's not something I'd even realized was missing. Like, I don't really watch that many superhero movies, even if it's the main genre I watch; but this was so emotional because this is what it could be like, and it's not, but we have this. Ahh. Ahhhhhh.

And, of course, the No Man's Land scene. From all the hype, I thought I would enjoy it more, to be honest. Like, I DID like it -- it just wasn't quite as much of a Moment as I expected. It was really good, though -- it was really damn emotional, too.

Yeah, I really loved Wonder Woman. I really want to go see it again.

And because for some reason I can focus on the WRONG THINGS, I started watching The Handmaid's Tale today. I've seen two episodes so far, and I really like it. It's not totally perfect, and sometimes the excessively long shots where nothing is happening get boring, but I'm pretty sure that's my own attention span as the problem. I really like Alexis Bledel's character -- I'm not all that familiar with her as an actress, but I think she did really well. I can't wait to finish watching it if I ever do hahaha I hate existing

bluegansey: amy pond holding a book with a yellow background (amy pond yellow)
mental illness bullshit )
bluegansey: leia organa holding blaster and looking determined on a red background (leia organa red)

 I'm so SICK of whining about my life but like. My brain hates me I think.

Since it's Family Day tomorrow (today actually) it's a holiday Monday, so I'm going to school on Monday night and coming back on Thursday. We're also going to Pender during the week and I have to buy some food for that. And also I have to pack a sleeping bag, so that's... nice. I have a better backpack, though -- an actual outdoorsy one that won't kill my back hopefully. On the subject of school, I also did the notes for my essay and started it, but it's... slow going because I honestly don't know what I'm supposed to write about. I'll figure it out. Or not.

Also watched two episodes of Young Justice (Misplaced and Coldhearted) and started Image before I had to go do schoolwork. I've been reminded a lot today of my really severe problem with secondhand embarassment, so there's... that. Image is... not good for that. There's a reason I've never rewatched it despite the hilarious intro. I also read a couple fics I think?? These two EXTREME PAIN Jason and Bruce fics (I almost cried so that's. A lot) and like. A couple others. Man idk. Also a person messaged me on my discourse and I told them my main bc Why The Fuck Not Right? They haven't responded so. Yeah. Also I went for a walk with my mom and the dog and realized that I have a really severe problem with people going near traffic. It sends me into a panic and sometimes there's crying and I just. Can't deal with it. And yeah. I'm just going to sleep now??? I really have a lot to do tomorrow.

bluegansey: clarke griffin turned away on a green background (clarke griffin green)

 my life is SPIRALING but hey. i saw the lego batman movie. it was good, i liked it.

also went to a choir concert, realized i have a crush on a straight girl (i just LOVE THAT), ate way too many different trifles (they were so good and so bad for me) and continued rereading this and finished that timkon thing from yesterday and yeah. i didn't do ANYTHING i actually need to do. but i went through the longest dcu fics out of curiosity and livetweeted it, so there's that. also i was doing squats yesterday and my thighs hurt SO MUCH every time i sit down. and i'm just gonna... sleep now? yeah. wait i also signed up for this writing website and i'm gonna try to use it soon? maybe. i'll see if it works.

bluegansey: close-up of ahsoka tano looking down and to the left (ahsoka tano gray)

 holy christ i CANNOT get things done apparently i think my brain is just fried i literally did NOTHING useful today god

i watched young justice. and started rewatching batman vs robin. i did some more edits on a snaibsel week fic and it's basically ready to be posted once i do a few more characterization checks and edits. i read a few fics. i made a bunch of angry posts on my discourse blog. and i also had a conversation with someone (not to be too specific) and she said that she wasn't sure she wanted to message me (for Complex Reasons) but then remembered that i'd reblogged one Very Bad Ship to my sideblog and figured she could trust me, which i found utterly hilarious (i was laughing SO HARD like damn i've never been so glad of reblogging something before) and also rie messaged me about a post and i ended up telling them about what i ship in the batfam and it was cool. i watched some vine compilations and sw video memes with my brother. and DIDN'T get any schoolwork done because i'm a fucking moron apparently

edit: well i just went and wrote 493 words of lights which isn't big but i haven't worked on it in literally two whole months (since DECEMBER FIRST) so it's an achievement. of sorts. i'd keep going but i have a really bad headache and it's not fun

bluegansey: leia organa holding blaster and looking determined on a red background (leia organa red)

 I need to sleep, but also like... posterity. I saw Hidden Figures today -- so good, so so good, I LOVED it. There was also a Thing where I was driving with my mom and there was a dog on the side of the road that was about to run onto the road -- the owner was approaching it slowly, and it didn't have a leash, and I Realized, and I sort of freaked out. The dog was fine -- the owner got to it and grabbed its collar as we passed them, but it was so terrifying. My mom says I got really pale and my heart didn't stop hammering for like ten minutes and I couldn't stop shaking and I almost cried. Something similar happened to me on Christmas day -- my dog ran into traffic and it was like a fucking miracle of God that she didn't get hit by a car (i'm agnostic but that almost made me believe) and one time a few months ago my mom hit a rabbit while we were driving and it was kinda similar to today's thing -- hesitating by the side of the road and then jumping in at the last second. That's what I was afraid of. And it didn't happen but yeah.

In other news, America is rapidly becoming a dystopia and I am so. Fucking. Terrified and highkey want to die. I ended up writing out my feelings with some original work and that was... something. It was really disturbing actually but if I'm writing I'm not doing it so that's. Good. Anyway I'm Tired and I should probably like. Sleep.

bluegansey: clarke griffin turned away on a green background (clarke griffin green)

So I saw Moana today! It was so good, damn. I LOVED THE SONGS. I need to buy the soundtrack. It was also POURING RAIN all day, and it’s been so long since it’s rained this hard. I kinda missed it. Even when I was standing in the rain waiting for my dad to pick me up at the bus station. My house is like three minutes away from there by car and it took him TWENTY MINUTES and he said it was traffic. There was no traffic in the pouring rain at seven at night. There really was not. We watched more of The Office when we got home. I… hate Michael. A lot. Like, there are some characters who are The Worst in an endearing way, and there are some characters who are The Worst and you never want to hear about their existence ever. Michael is in the second category. (I'm aware that this is probably a really harsh view to have, but when I hate characters... generally speaking, I really hate them. And I don't hate characters very often at all.)

I also read Various Fics that I can’t really link but Oh Well. I mean, there was this Jaytim one which I found by accident but it was so excellent that I’m just really glad. I’m also slowly making my way through another unlinkable fic. Fun times. And tonight I went through some of my old writing and damn. I found this AU concept for one of my original novels that I wrote… I don’t know when because the file is a copy and there’s literally no way it was only a year ago. It’s 8k of boarding school AU stuff. Featuring secret crushes and sexuality crises and a really sweet love confession. And also dying friends but I skipped over that subplot because I wanted to write New Year’s kisses. That story was the first time I’d ever written a love confession, actually, and I remember feeling So Good after I first wrote it. It’s still lovely. I went through some other older writing as well and some of it is Cringe but some of it is Relatively Good. And that’s good.

Not much else really? Yeah. Though I'm thinking I might possibly start locking my diary entries to just me and then only make public entries if it's something that literally anyone else might be interested in... I'm well aware that there's nothing terribly interesting about my life and especially not on a day-to-day basis. So I'm Considering.

bluegansey: close-up of ahsoka tano looking down and to the left (ahsoka tano gray)
 Sort of a blurry day. Uh. Not great. I'm reading a longfic that I can't link but it's pretty good... I finished rereading this Jayroy fic... read a few other fics I can't link... and I'm going to reread another fic later tonight. Internet is being kinda glitchy so I'm on my mom's laptop again. I made a ramble-y post about my current School Issues and that's... a thing. I watched like five episodes of The Office with my dad. And my dad put mushrooms in the chili I was making for dinner and since I can't go near mushrooms with feeling like I'm going to throw up, I went to the mall for dinner. I was planning on walking because I didn't want to make my dad upset but my mom made me ask him for a ride and he yelled at me and then offered a ride freely after I explained that I wasn't just being a bitch, I legit couldn't eat it without feeling like I was going to throw up. So that was fine. Idk. Also I'm barely hungry at all at this point and it's mildly worrying.
bluegansey: harley quinn with a baseball bat across her shoulders and blowing bubblegum on a brown background (harley quinn brown)

 Well, I got into the school. Not a surprise, it's not even full, but now I still have to decide if I actually want to go. It's... it's a lot. I don't know. I posted about it, and someone replied, but neither thing really helped. My mom was on the phone with the main teacher and that was... that was fine. I just don't know anymore.

I had choir, which was... decent. Not great, I felt kind of awful, but Leichelle was standing behind me and putting little braids in my hair, so I think I'm a winner here. After choir my dad drove her and her brother to the mall so they could wait for a pickup, and that was... fun. And amusing. I dunno. I also read A Fair Amount of fic today -- bad pairings, no one's surprised at this point. Well, I finished this one Superbat one. It was cute. Although I felt like I didn't recognize Bruce as a character, but I think that's because Nolanverse Bruce is not actually him. But I digress.

I also had a really long conversation with my parents which basically went from "so have you decided if you're going to that school yet" to "that thing you're going to will CHANGE YOUR LIFE" to "I know probably way more gay guys than anyone you know" (my dad) "yeah, because they're all flight attendants. all of them" (my mom) (like, really? really? and then my dad was like "yeah there's even one or two I consider my friends. and also I once told one of them that if I were gay he'd be My Guy") Like... why. And this took place after midnight. And I'm so tired. Ah... I also watched some Young Justice -- like, four episodes? 1.08 Downtime to 1.12 Homefront so... five. Huh. My brother watched some of them with me which was Nice.

bluegansey: allison argent laughing and smiling with a pink background (allison argent pink)

*throws up peace sign* today was SO GOOD on the writing front, y’all. SO GOOD. It’s been weeks since I’ve written basically anything and this morning I sat down and wrote 1.2k of a new novel idea. It has ghosts and cute queer romance with a happy ending. I’m so happy, y’all. And then — AND THEN — I worked on my school application. Wrote a biography for myself, and THEN I wrote a THREE POINT FOUR K ESSAY ABOUT ANTI-SHIPPING. I’m shook, y’all. I’m shook. And how did I say "y'all" three times in this paragraph? I have no idea.

I just had to write about a learning experience, and THIS HAPPENED. Holy fuck. The glossary section is almost 1k on its own. This essay is a monster. I am shook. Also I keep wanting to swear because I had to keep my language clean for the essay (or, well, no one said I had to but this is a school application so I’m erring on the side of caution) and I just finished writing and and yeah. I'll edit it tomorrow (today) and hopefully my mom will have the address I'm supposed to send it to.

Other things… other things. I watched Justice League vs Teen Titans — a Good Movie, imho. Still love Damian… love him a lot… love him. And I like Kori a little more than I did before, even if I still pretty much hate Dickkori… yeah. Sorry. I just can’t get behind it. Also was it my imagination or was the movie trying to push a romance between Raven and Damian? For the love of god, let them be friends and let Damian date Beast Boy. Seriously. Also I think I officially hate SuperWonder now and I don’t know why I suddenly hate het ships. When did this happen. I don’t even know.

I also made butterscotch pudding from a recipe online and it was good. And helped my mom make meatballs for dinner, and read a very interesting article about the killing of zoo animals in Denmark (the article has some fairly graphic images of dead and dissected animals, btw). And didn’t do much else? Yeah.

bluegansey: allison argent laughing and smiling with a pink background (allison argent pink)

 Good-ish, bad-ish day? Mostly good right now, so that's something.

Panto matinee today, and it went fine basically? I didn't have to do flies so I read... a lot. Finished this Bluepulse fic, and my Hothouse Flower reread. Yet Another Problem I have with the series: the constant trend of abusive parents who get forgiven. Like, fuck... if your mother gets your boyfriend arrested for statutory rape -- when she had NO REASON to believe that he actually committed the crime -- you would have every right to not talk to her. And, you know, you also don't have to forgive your mother for destroying the lives of the people most important to you (different case) and you definitely don't have to forgive your father for being downright abusive for your whole life just because he loves you. Like, for fuck's sake.

Uh... anyway. A couple of the other Problematic Ship Blogs reblogged from my Problematic Ship Blog, so I went through them and reblogged e v e r y t h i n g I liked. Which took a Lot of time. And I also started reading this fic -- it's a post-apocalyptic Batfam AU. It's good! There's lots that's clearly inspired by Mad Max: Fury Road, which I appreciate. And my brother wanted fondue, so my family had cheese fondue for dinner. It was... something. Actually, the flavour was a little strong for me (probably too much wine, for me, and I don't like the taste of strong cheese) so I didn't... love it... but it wasn't bad either.

And just now I watched the Sense8 Christmas special! It was so great, I'm really happy. Nomanita is always so lovely to see, and Hernandito was also great. And fuck, I'm sad about what Lito's going through, but the scene with his mother... oh god, I almost cried. I'm so happy about that. I'm happy about most everything, actually. I might make an entry with more coherent thoughts in the morning.

ETA: I'm pretty sure I was also reading through the Death Of The Family comic storyline but I didn't write about it? Uh. So I think that was this day. I'm maybe a quarter of the way through it, or a bit less.
 

bluegansey: padme amidala on a blue background (padme amidala blue)

 Star Wars, Star Wars, NOTHING BUT STAR WARS. And DC, I guess, but that's my fixation right now so that's not surprising. Christ, it's really late and I am so, so tired and COLD because the heat has been off for hours. Fuck.

I WENT TO SEE ROGUE ONE. I DIED. I already posted my reaction here, but just like. God. I'm not over it. I've been posting about it all night. I went to see it at 12:25 and managed to miss my grandparent's visit entirely, which I probably shouldn't feel happy about. It wasn't too busy, luckily, which I'm glad of. But one great moment: there was an ad for the Rogue One soundtrack and I heard someone a few rows above me gasp. Someone with them said "we're literally about to watch it" and they said "I know, I'm just so excited." Hard same, random stranger, hard same.

Panto again, and I worked flies again. It was better than last night, except one moment at the end -- I didn't realize I was supposed to lift the curtain so the kids in the audience could come onstage and get autographs, so I wasn't ready. The director was giving a speech, and I wasn't listening because I literally could not hear a word, so maybe I was supposed to get my cue from that? But yeah, I was a few seconds late but it was fine. It's all good. Also this happened.

And I'm reading a longfic right now with angels and demons and theology and a fuckton of era-appropriate (unfortunately) homophobia. It's pretty good, not much to say about it... and I went incognito to look for fic for the first time in my life, and wow. It was... something. Although I sort of realized pretty quickly that there's very little of what I was looking for, overall, so I just browsed regular fic tags for a while. And it was fine. Anyway.

bluegansey: padme amidala on a blue background (padme amidala blue)

 What is life? What is everything? I'm back on the computer, as should be obvious, and wow, I'm in... a state.

I did a lot over the missing time! I read a bunch of fics, worked a lot more on the panto (daily rehearsals lately, first preview tomorrow, opening Friday) and went to an island to check out a school. The school was really interesting: I went on Sunday night and stayed until the next day. I still don't know if I want to go, but if I do... it'll be in February. I just don't know at this point if I want to, because it's basically like summer camp? All the time? Anyway. While I was there, I spent like an hour hiking (and dying of exhaustion), played the part of a missing person in the Christmas play they were rehearsing (it snowed overnight on Sunday, and it wasn't supposed to and I was Unprepared. Also, my life is JUST THEATRE RIGHT NOW) and then my mom and I drove around for a while. We saw four deer on the road and an OTTER. ON THE ROAD. I don't even know.

Panto stuff, well... *ugly laughter* I'm doing flies now! And I did them for the first time today! And fucked up, badly, multiple times! And I'm doing it tomorrow for a fucking audience! I sorta feel like I should fake my death to get out of this or something and I feel like I'm going to throw up every time I think about it. I just don't have time to practice and it's TOMORROW. I can't deal with this. I kinda need to break something.

Nothing much else to say? Oh, I watched some movies while I was offline (movies don't COUNT, they aren't on a computer) -- The Dark Knight Returns (both parts), Batman: Year One, Son of Batman (rewatch), Black Mirror 3x03 (weird, kinda uncomfortable, not my thing) and 3x04 (wonderful, beautiful, showstopping, never been done, always grateful), and a few more episodes of Supergirl. I feel like I might be forgetting something, but eh. I dunno. I don't really have much more to say? K. Oh, I also went to the naturopath today and she was in hysterics at my one dinner which was basically an eggnog latte, chocolate protein bar, a brownie, orange juice, and probably more I'm forgetting. Also she was making a comparison and said "you wouldn't eat a whole bowl of chocolate syrup, right?" and I just kinda. Stared.

bluegansey: clarke griffin turned away on a green background (clarke griffin green)

I should be working on my WIP. I am not. Because I am a Disaster. Like today was. And, uh, this is really whiny I guess, but I was... really upset yesterday and had a really kind of fucked up day, so I'm still going to post it. For posterity.

God. I got up after a really decent amount of sleep — like, solid eight hours, all good — exhausted. Like, barely moving, too-tired-to-shower exhausted. And then my mom told me I should “get off the computer and rest” so I went back to my bedroom and read more of Addicted For Now (which I have. So many complaints about. But that’s for another time) and ended up feeling even more tired than before! Like, nearly-falling-asleep-whenever-I-sit-down exhausted! And then I went to fucking choir practice after not practicing all week like I was supposed to. And it was awful and tiring and I got sick halfway through and almost threw up. I had to not go to the panto rehearsal tonight, after I emailed that I would be there this morning, and then I had a really really bad stomach ache all evening.

Like, what the fuck? Why does god hate me? Literally what the fuck did I do to incur god’s wrath or what-the-fuck-ever. The only good/neutral things that happened today were reading an update (chapter 8) of this fic, an update (chapter 2) of this fic, reading a few other fics (including this one on my kobo after I went to bed), writing (700-ish words of a new concept, because I can’t work on my WIP right now), painting my nails red and green for Christmas month, and watching one episode of Supergirl — episode 5. I’m just going to go to bed now, even though it’s barely midnight, because I’m just. Tired. Of everything.

bluegansey: clara oswald looking at the sky in wonder (clara oswald black)

How did I get so tired. I know it’s almost 2am, but still… I don’t think I should be this tired. Anyway. I’ll just write this real quick and go to sleep. Downstairs, tonight — my mom’s borrowing my bed, since I have an awesome new mattress. I really don’t mind, since I like my parents’ bed — it’s so big compared to mine, and I love having room to starfish in the morning.

Today was another Not Much day. I read a lot of fic — unlinkable fic just now, with lots of added commentary (I think the comment I used most was ‘who hurt u damian’ and the second most was ‘i love dark!tim so much’ so make of that what you will) and I spent a Lot of time today reading through the Hot Topic AU. I got to story… 87, don’t leave me out. I really liked the ones with Damian and Jon; it’s not a ship I really know much — or anything — about, but it’s so cute? And I loved the moment in their first date one where Damian was panicking about kissing and Jon asked if he could kiss him, and when Damian said no he just said okay and offered him candy. Like, I always love it when characters ask permission to kiss, but I loved it even more than usual because Damian said no and Jon completely respected it. Like? That’s not something I can recall ever seeing in any kind of popular media. I can barely recall seeing any case of permission being granted for kissing, let alone stories about asexual characters who are uncomfortable with it and have their boundaries respected. I’m rambling and making no damn sense right now. Uh. Okay.

Also watched a couple of episodes of The Office with my mom and brother, watched History of Japan over dinner (god I love that video) and yeah. Call with my teacher, too, and we planned a trip to Paris and figured out how much it would cost for a school assignment. It took over an hour, of our half-hour scheduled call, but it was actually pretty fun. And I got to text my dad out of nowhere and ask about ticket prices from Vancouver to Glasgow because I was curious. It was interesting. Anyway. It’s getting cold for some reason so I’m going to bed. Oh goddamn it, I just realized I left my sleeping sweater in my room (since I haven’t used it for a few nights, since I have a space heater in my room now) and can’t get it out. I guess I’ll just be cold.

bluegansey: amy pond holding a book with a yellow background (amy pond yellow)

So for some reason I decided to bake after my mom went to bed? I made brownies. I put them away and washed everything. It’s drying now and I’ll put it away before I go to bed. I kinda wanna see whether she notices that I made brownies or not. I also reread a fic — the last fic in a fic series that made me BELIEVE IN LOVE. It’s just so beautiful and pure and cavity-inducing fluff. I cry.

A few other fics were read, as well, but not as many as the rest of this week because my body seems to be falling apart around me. I got this agonizing sharp pain in my abdomen, like a period cramp but I’m not on my period. (When I told my mom, she asked if I was pregnant. I’m definitely not pregnant unless I’m the fucking Virgin Mary reborn. Which she knows. God.) And then I laid in bed and watched two whole episodes of Supergirl, in my underwear and bra because clothes were irritating me, and now I’m four episodes in! I cannot binge watch. It’s an attention thing. But when you’re in so much pain that lying down is the only viable option, it’s surprisingly easy to pay attention. Anyway, after that I had dinner and got sick halfway through and couldn’t finish it. Which was just… great. But yeah. I had a bowl of brownie batter; it wasn’t as sweet as that fic I was reading, but it was pretty damn nice.

I also did Writing Things? Sent chapter 4 of Lights to beta. Idk how long it’ll be, but soon. Soon. I can finally publish it. And maybe stop feeling so goddamn guilty all the goddamn time. That would be… nice. Also I had an Anxiety thing for two reasons: someone whose content I’ve reblogged was outed as an abuser and anti-self-dx person, and a bunch of people basically… shunned her, and it was really kind of scary and anxiety-inducing because I followed a lot of people involved in it. I didn’t follow her, but… it was terrifying, almost. And then I saw that someone I follow — someone who I’ve seen involved in anti-anti stuff, who follows my discourse blog AND my problematic ship blog — reblogged a post from an anti blog that causes me unspeakable anxiety. I think it’s probably just that she followed them a while ago and didn’t realize what side of the Discourse they were on, but… that blog has so much incredibly self-righteous smugness and bullshit (such as “you can’t ship this CANON ship because it’s bad in some continuities” and “you’re an Unsafe Blog if you ship literally the most popular ship in the entire fandom”, and all of this linked from their damn description and sidebar, so anyone who goes on the blog will see it) that it made me have an anxiety attack last time I saw it, and. Yeah. I feel awful about it, but I’m trying not to think about it. God, I shouldn’t have written about this; I was in such a good mood. Oh well, I’ll do dishes and go to bed and try not to think about it some more.

bluegansey: harley quinn with a baseball bat across her shoulders and blowing bubblegum on a brown background (harley quinn brown)

I am honestly way too awake to go to bed, and I’m probably going to lie there for an hour and not sleep, but I have literally nothing to do and I can’t do anything, so I guess I have to? I’ll deal, I guess. I was so tired earlier and now I’m just AWAKE AND READY TO RESEARCH THE FUCK OUT OF SOMETHING, which I can’t do because no wifi. Of course.

A lot of Solitude today — when I woke up everyone was gone, and my brother didn’t get home from school until after four and my mom didn’t get home until past six, so I got lots of time to relax. And of course I got into a weird, tired headspace where the only thing I had the energy for was fic reading. I started reading The Hot Topic AU — the fics in it that looked interesting, at least — and it’s pretty good, I guess? Not really what I expected, but good. Also just now I read a Batlantern fic and reread a Superbat fic — or, well, I continued and didn’t finish it. I was already a bit into it, and I didn’t finish because I don’t want to read it right now despite how good it is. I was just craving more Batlantern after that first one. The Batlantern one was pretty good, though it had some… weird moments… and stuff I didn’t expect. Like, a few moments of kind of homophobia? Like, I couldn’t tell if the POV character was meant to be that way, or if it was the narrative itself… and a weird story about racism where I didn’t expect it, and some extreme secondhand embarassment that was just on the line between funny and agonizing (oh god, Oliver Queen is a disaster of a human being) and. A wedding. I did not expect that. Is that just something this author DOES? Like, the last longfic I read by them had a marriage at the end as well. So maybe it’s just their Thing, to make the characters get married for some reason after a very short period of time. Not a bad thing, just kind of odd and unexpected in this case. Maybe I’ll just expect it next time I read one of this author’s fics.

I was feeling kind of weird and awful and like I wanted to tear my skin off or something, so I went to see a movie — Arrival. It was pretty good, though I totally blanked on the fact that I was going to see a new release on a Tuesday (cheaper tickets) evening, so I got there five minutes before the movie started and ended up in the second row. It wasn’t too bad — my neck isn’t in agony or anything — but it was pretty annoying. The movie itself was pretty good, I guess — the language stuff was actually really fascinating, but the time plotline was confusing as hell and kind of a mindfuck. Also boring het romance, but it’s sort of unfair to get upset about that, considering every single movie has one. I also saw my neighbour, as I was coming out of the theatre — she was there to see Doctor Strange (ugh) with her boyfriend. It was awkward but not as bad as it could have been.

bluegansey: close-up of ahsoka tano looking down and to the left (ahsoka tano gray)

Oh, god, I’m back into the weird headspace I get into when I read things that make me uncomfortable in specific ways. Happens with books about the afterlife, or books with significant disappointment or secondhand embarassment — and, apparently, longfic series about [redacted ship] involving [redacted trope]. I read so goddamn much fic today -- a really long fic series and a few others -- but I didn’t realize the affect it had on my mood — or, well, the extent of it — until the wifi went down and I couldn’t look for something to chase away the feeling. I have some things saved, but none of them are what I want and I’m frustrated. And upset, and I don’t get why. There’s nothing inherently wrong about the trope and ship (well, there is with the ship, but I can usually deal? I think), but there were some things in the fic that just — no, I can’t deal with this. I tried to read a fluffy genfic — loaded up before the wifi went down — but I hadn’t read it before, and while it doesn’t involve any of the same tropes… the writing style, and a few other elements, were so similar to the fic I was reading earlier that I couldn’t let my guard down. It was weird, I kept expecting the ship to happen and it didn’t but I kept thinking it would and I felt weird. It doesn’t help that one of the fics I read earlier had a really similar concept — involving de-aging — and it had that ship. And a really, really similar element — de-aging from the exact same point to the exact same point — was probably because the author of the one I read first was inspired by that one, but it still really freaked me out somehow. And I’m rambling. I just don’t want to go to bed and deal with this feeling.

Okay, long paragraph there. Working back; I did some writing on the original concept I mentioned yesterday, about 500 words. I finished the Watchmen movie, the last hour and fifteen minutes or so; it’s good, I guess, but a little violent for my taste. Short discussion in the group chat for the Musical Theatre Crew; we planned to go to Mexico over Christmas. Had therapy, and it was mostly good; talked about my life and the panto and stuff. And school, and I don’t want to deal with that ever. I’m kind of just feeling awful and off balance and I feel like I can’t deal with anything in my life at all. I’m just going to see if I maybe have some fic saved that’ll make me feel better? Ugh, I know two fics that I really want to read right now, because they’re pretty short and self-contained and don’t have anything remotely similar to the elements of the fic I read earlier, but I don’t have them saved so I guess I’ll just suffer? Well, I ended up rereading a fluffy almost-crack Jaytim fic and it worked even if I ended up staying on the computer till almost 3am.

bluegansey: peggy carter holding captain america's shield on a blue background (peggy carter blue)
As I write this, I am waiting for the wifi to come back online. I planned to open up a fic to read after it went down, but I didn’t make sure it was loaded before the wifi went off, and it wasn’t — so my mom turned it back on. That was about thirty minutes ago. It’s still not on. I don’t know whether to be worried or not. I’m sure it’ll come back… but when… I just want to reread this fic that made me believe in love. It’s so good. The romance is better than most romance novels I’ve read. And I need fluff because I feel like hell right now — just period stuff and also weird various pains in my body that are probably because of my period. And I can’t really focus and just feel so weird, overall.

I didn’t do anything today, lol, but I did rewatch Under The Red Hood because I love pain and I hate myself. I’m suffering, highkey. I watched a few episodes of The Office with my mom and brother, and god, that show is so AWKWARD. I mean, that’s meant to be the comedy or whatever, but god… it’s painful at times. Though I looked up a video about the first aid scene or whatever, and showed it to my mom and brother, and almost choked laughing. Also this video from The Office. Was good. I… really did nothing else except reread this one fic series and play candy crush. I also responded to a response to one of my shipping discourse posts. I felt awful at the time so my point sort of got away from me, but still. It’s a point I feel passionate about.

DID MY MOM LIE TO ME ABOUT TURNING THE WIFI BACK ON, OR SOMETHING? BECAUSE IT’S BEEN LIKE FORTY MINUTES, THIS ISN’T NORMAL. Oh! No, she didn’t. It was glitching out; I unplugged it (at her shouted request from her bedroom) and plugged it back in and it’s fine. Hey, I can actually put this online now! Nice.

bluegansey: clara oswald looking at the sky in wonder (clara oswald black)
Well, I was reading A Death In The Family, and just as Jason died, the song Haunt by Bastille came up on shuffle. Timing. I read a few other comics today, actually — The Cult, first, then A Death In The Family, and then I started reading Red Hood: The Lost Days but I think the version I downloaded is incomplete and since I don’t have wifi I can’t check, so I’m stopping for now. It’s nice to get back to reading comics; fic is good but I’m not really in the mood. Also I can't find anything I want to read and I don't feel like rereading.
 
Basically I did nothing today? Uh. I thought I had a call with my teacher, but it’s a stat holiday, so I didn’t. I walked Callie, and she kept running into the road for no reason; I feel like it’s personal, for some reason. I read some fics, just various… things… and make pesto/turkey/spinach quesadillas for dinner. And I also baked a cake and didn’t eat that much of it. I didn’t really want cake, I think.

My mom and brother were watching The Office (US) and I watched some of it with them — the second half of the first episode and the full second episode. It’s a pretty good show, I guess, even if it uses more cringe comedy than I’d personally prefer. My dad went away for work again and he’s back in Hamilton, Ontario. And I got my period and feel vaguely Weird and Bad, so that’s… fun.

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bluegansey: wonder woman with a hood over her head holding her lasso (Default)
Nicola

July 2017

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