Well, I just attempted a Thing. That was fun. Anyway. I should actually get to bed, or something. I could read all night -- my mom left the wifi on since my brother took the computer for an hour the hour before it was supposed to go off -- but meh. I'll just finish the fic on my Kobo. I have read so many fics today, and well, I'm pretty sure one of them was not a fic -- it was a one-way ticket straight to hell. If anyone ever knew I was reading this, I would have to dramatically throw myself off a bridge. Wow, I'm in a good mood if I'm being that overdramatic. Didn't really realize that... okay, dunno why though. Because again, family would disown me. I can't tell if the stuff I was reading a few months ago (and having crying attacks over guilt over enjoying them) was just as bad and looks better because I'm just remembering it, or if I've just gotten to the point where I give no fucks and I enjoy fic whether or not I'm into it in real life -- which, in this case, I really, strongly am not. It's just fun to read, that's all.
On a different note... I went to Old Navy because I didn't own a single skirt, which is honestly a crime, and now I own two. And another pair of leggings, and two camisoles since my old ones are "trashed" according to my mom, and a Star Wars shirt and a Batman shirt (the last two for sleeping in. they're men's shirts, and I'm annoyed that only the men's section had any fandom shirts). I am realizing slowly that I have almost no patience for shopping -- I want to get what I need and leave, I don't want to spend fifteen minutes waiting for my mom to find different things for me to try on. And I got an Orange Julius drink again, because I want to figure out what the order I got two days ago was, because it sure as hell wasn't a Julius Original. It wasn't a light smoothie, either. I'll have to test again soon to figure it out. Also this is the third day in a row that I've had an triple berry Orange Julius.Also had a meeting with my teacher -- I forgot, whoops. It was at the usual time, I guess she didn't see my email? I basically did a graduation plan and figured out what classes I might take in the next two years or so. I'm almost definitely not going to graduate on time, and I'm fine with that. It's cool.
So I went to see Suicide Squad! I also saw Star Trek Beyond right before. Five hours at the movies total... probably a bit much, but I don't care. Anyway, spoiler-free summary: I liked it, Harley is great, Deadshot and Diablo are also great, the Joker was awful and I'm glad he was hardly in it, the plot and editing weren't great but the characters made up for it.( spoilers!! )
So this is the post I mentioned yesterday! I'm just thinking a lot about it lately, so.
When I first found fandoms, I was about 13. It was probably around the beginning of eighth grade, or the end of seventh. My friend got a facebook account -- okay, wait, I need to figure out the math here. Actual, no, I'm just going to stand by my first guess. Anyway, at some point she liked some Harry Potter FB pages and shared pictures -- usually screenshots from tumblr -- and I started doing that too, because before that, I didn't even know that fandom existed. I eventually found my way into Doctor Who, the main five book fandoms (HP, TMI, Divergent, PJO, and -- fuck, what else was it???? Right, THG) and that was how I was introduced into fandom.
So I shared things. On my public FB. Where I was friends with everyone from school (I think I'd finished seventh grade, so I wasn't in school anymore, but still) and my older relatives and stuff. Basically my friend and I would share things and like each other's posts. I also somehow managed to spend all my time online even though that was the only thing I did, and I could do everything in 40 minutes if needed. But then I got tumblr.
I still have tumblr. I've used nearly every day since the day I got it -- on February 7th, 2014. I've taken some time off for vacations and stuff, but otherwise, it's what I do. And I'm very attached to it. And it's part of the biggest thing I'm ashamed of, which is fandoms.
Here's the thing about being a fangirl (a word I almost never use anymore because, shame!) -- for the most part, no one else is going to care as much as you do. No one else is going to care about fictional worlds or characters the same way. Other fans, of course, but family and friends? Nope. I didn't understand that at first. I shared things onto my public facebook, and talked about fandoms with my family, and they didn't care.
I get it. I do. I see media differently than they do. But it hurts. Because eventually, they stopped pretending to care. They showed their indifference. And it feels like a knife to the heart every fucking time, because these are the things I care the most about. These are my life -- fandoms are the only thing that's keeping me alive, some days. And no one else gets that.
And at this point, I expect to be laughed at or shown indifference. I change windows if I'm watching something and someone comes into the room. I almost never watch TV on the actual TV. I hide book covers if I think they look weird or embarrassing, because I assume I'll be judged on them. I don't look at fandom things in public. I have some fandom shirts, and I love them, but I wouldn't wear them in public in a million years.
The thing is, my family doesn't understand that I constantly think about these things. That I want to talk about them 24/7, but I don't have anyone to talk to. For Star Wars, especially -- the friend who I mostly talk about fandom stuff with hasn't seen the films and definitely isn't going to watch TCW or Rebels. And I constantly want to talk about it, but while my family members have seen the movies, they don't care about them. I get it, of course, but -- god, I just wish I could talk to someone about fandoms. I wish it wasn't seen as weird to obsess over fictional characters and universes when grown men do the same thing with sports teams and it's seen as perfectly acceptable. I wish that the only geeks media ever shows are straight white men who use reddit and equivalent sites, whose main goal in fandom is to understand it, and not change it. (I saw a post about that not too long ago -- transformative fandom vs curative fandom -- but I can't find it, so.) I wish that I didn't have to be ashamed of liking SW -- especially considering how new I am to the fandom, and how certain I am that even if I find some I know IRL who likes it, they won't be into the same parts of it that I am.
This... well, I spent about forty minutes looking for that post, so I kind of lost track of my train of thought there, so. Yeah. Thoughts/whining.
I'm back to wondering what, exactly, makes me like certain fictional characters so much.
Like, I usually have one or two favs per fandom. Usually they're girls. For example: The 100 has Raven Reyes, Teen Wolf had Allison Argent (apparently I like alliteration as well), Doctor Who has Clara Oswald, Star Wars has Ahsoka Tano.
In fandoms with fewer female characters to choose from, I gravitate towards guys that are, well, two types: one is the snarky, daddy issues, problematic fav, and the other is the character who's really good but struggling to stay good. I usually headcanon both types as bi.
Examples of the first kind: Isaac Lahey (Teen Wolf), Dean Winchester (Supernatural, though I'm not in the fandom anymore), John Murphy (The 100)
The second: Scott McCall (Teen Wolf), Steve Rogers (Marvel), and a few others probably but those two are the most prominent in my mind.
Right now, my favourite character (absolute, out of all fandoms) is Ahsoka Tano, and it's interesting because personality-wise, she's not a lot like my other female favs. Like, sure, she could beat me up and I'd thank her, like all the others, but she's really dissimilar in most ways. She's also the only one on that last that I headcanon as a lesbian (most of the time, I also ship her with Rex on occasion but for the most part I see her as gay). Clara is bi in canon, and I don't have strong thoughts on the sexuality of Allison or Raven. Might be because recently (last few months) I've gotten more into LGBTQ headcanons and I was in both of those fandoms before that, so it may have cemented my opinion a little earlier. Oddly, though, I headcanon all the guys on both lists as bi and I was in those fandoms just as early.
Hmm. I don't know. I was prompted to make this because I was thinking about how Ahsoka has the very rare distinction of being my absolute fav. I usually can't compare characters across fandom, but right now I feel like crying whenever I see any posts about her, she's my phone wallpaper, she's my icon on here and on twitter, etc. I just. Love her a lot. And I'm not even finished TCW. (I need to do that but depression has been destroying my focus, meaning no TV episodes and I can't really read, either. Though the past few days have been marginally better)
Damn, I need to go to sleep now.