bluegansey: clara oswald looking at the sky in wonder (clara oswald black)

 Oh, god, I'm so tired I can barely see straight so this will be quick. I was out for like twelve hours today; it was the closing night for panto, and there were two shows. My mom had to be somewhere so she dropped me at a restaurant (within walking distance of the theatre) at eleven and I had lunch/breakfast. It was the first time in my life that I'd been to a sit-down restaurant by myself (fast food all the time, and one time at a Proper Restaurant with a bunch of other kids like two years ago) so I was... nervous, but it went fine. I just barely avoided responding "you too" when the waitress told me to enjoy my food, so that's a win. Although... I didn't really eat very well. I mean, I ate what I ordered, but I got to the point where food was nauseating halfway through eating so I slowed down a lot and it took probably an hour and a half. I was almost late (well, late-ish) getting to the theatre, which was pretty shocking. I, uh, don't know what happened, really -- there were mushrooms in it and I hate mushrooms? Mighta been that.

Panto went fine; a bit more improvising since it was closing night. I tried to put my book down and watch when I could; it was fun, I think. Both times. During the break between shows there was a secret santa gift exchange; I got this basket full of chocolates and no one took it from me so I didn't really do much. And then the crew got gifts -- Starbucks gift cards, a copy of the cast and crew photo, and a signed program. During the final show the crew (me, Lelaine, Alyssa and Morgan) went on stage for a bow and it was kind of a rush but also sad because. It's over. Sigh. I made a post about it too. And the after party was fun, I guess -- I was still in a not-food phase but I ate a bit of cake. And then... snapped my fork in half and sent the cake flying. It was really funny but mostly confusing. My mom ended up talking to the Stage Manager and the Producer (who are also married to each other and both women, which I felt creepy for paying attention to but I've never met married adult sapphics before? it was interesting and also kinda inspiring idk) and that was kinda cool.

I was reading as well -- various pairings, mostly this author, and one other with a Secret Pairing that ended up being mildly disturbing and had a sad ending, which -- WHY. Ugh. Also it didn't acknowledge the existence of lube and I'm annoyed because it's a fanfic cliche but I've only seen it once or twice so it ALWAYS throws me.

Uh... not much else, since I'm exhausted and haven't done much since I got home, but Leichelle is so nice also.

bluegansey: amy pond holding a book with a yellow background (amy pond yellow)

 I completely forgot to do an entry yesterday and I didn't actually think that was possible. Uh. Quick recap, then, since I have like an hour before I'm leaving for the whole rest of the day:

Still in Batlantern phase -- I was reading and rereading various fics by FabulaRasa. I've read quite a few of their fics, and I'm trying to read a few more now, since I generally like their writing -- I mean, the no warnings thing is a little weird to me, but I don't have any major triggers that regularly show up in fic, so I can pretty much forge ahead without being too worried.

I went grocery shopping with my mom, as well, and that was pretty fun -- I convinced her to buy bagels from Costco for the first time in probably forever, and I can't wait to eat one. I... love bagels and never eat them anymore. I also made a dijon chicken recipe which was pretty good but overall tasted a bit too strong (yes I'm very very white I know) and my brother ended up making chili but I had panto so I didn't eat any.

Panto! The Assistant Stage Manager wasn't there, so -- disaster. In a couple of scenes, I need to bring in a black curtain near the back, and in order to bring it in, there's a couple of set pieces that need to be out of the way. And no one seemed to know this. So I had to whisper-yell (I can't actually go anywhere because I'm on headset) and get people to MOVE THAT FUCKING TREE AND THE LOG so I could get it in place and get the other set pieces in place. During the first time we had a transition like that, I waited so long that I rushed to get in a wooden set piece and it... crashed. To the floor. Really loudly. And it was utterly terrifying and humiliating, especially since I literally got to the reds seconds before I was supposed to lift them. And I was shaking so much for probably ten minutes straight. Anyway... after that I got driven home by my neighbours, who were there for the show that night (I guess they actually saw me, since one of the actors asked me to go onstage and start the GoPro that put there to record the show, so I was actually onstage and I almost never am) and then I stayed up way too late because Stress.

bluegansey: allison argent laughing and smiling with a pink background (allison argent pink)

 Pretty good end to 2016, I think.

Panto. Normal day, read a bunch of fic, didn't do much else. Went to a New Year's Eve party, found out that it wasn't, actually, a New Year's Eve party so we were a day early, and went home; cleared out a lot of my fic emails, read a bunch of fic, and worked more on my fic rec page on my sideblog. Answered some things -- two things for an end of year meme, and one thing about writing.

Talked to Leichelle, on tumblr and on the phone, for about half an hour right up until midnight. It was pretty good, we talked about hating our respective brothers for being bigoted and generally shitty. And other things. And the first thing I said in 2017 was "thank god, the hell year is over" because I am SO HAPPY IT IS OVER. Also, it snowed today! A lot! I love snow.

My mom says I should start doing gratitude, so I'm grateful that this hell year is over. Here's to a better 2017.

bluegansey: close-up of ahsoka tano looking down and to the left (ahsoka tano gray)

 I'm still in a Weird State. I think it's this time between Christmas and the New Year -- it's a liminal space, basically, and I'm just drifting sorta.

Panto today -- flies again. After the absolute terror at the beginning, I've found that I actually prefer doing flies to not doing them, because I always know what I need to do. It's weird, but I kinda like this feeling of actually knowing how to do something and relatively enjoying it. Anyway. I'm continuing reading an interesting post-apocalyptic fic that I can't link, and I wandered around a bit on stage and found wifi to read some shorter fics I have bookmarked on AO3. Actually, a Thing happened at the panto -- they were about to play the five minute warning (it's just a thing to tell the audience that the show will start in five) and it... didn't work. The show was delayed for half an hour while they fixed the sound system, since none of it was working. And apparently at some point while they were fixing that, all the spotlights reset, so there were no spotlights in the entire show. Other than that (*ugly laughter*) it went fine.

I was Really Invested in that fic, so I didn't get online until late in the afternoon, and after also going to Costco with my dad. We got pizza (well, I got pizza, he got a hot dog) and he started giving me driving tips. I, uh, should maybe get my learner's? It's been almost six months since I turned old enough. I just... can't find it in me to care enough to actually try for my license. Anyway, I also started making a fic recs page for my Problematic Ship Blog and it was very fun, though I still have a lot to do. And I hate CSS so much. So much. And I did Akinator for No Reason and did Batfamily members. Because no real reason. Idk man I'm Tired™.

bluegansey: clara oswald looking at the sky in wonder (clara oswald black)

Good? Bad? I don’t know. I can’t tell what emotion is anymore.

Went to see Rogue One with my family. We went out for sushi (well, I didn’t have sushi, but it was a sushi restaurant) before the movie and we had a voucher, so we actually got drinks and popcorn. The second viewing reminded me of the movie’s flaws — the not-so-great first two acts, Felicity’s acting (like… sorry, Jyn is just not a convincing character at all) — and great parts — actually married SpiritAssassin, THE ENDING. Also I saw the Ghost in one shot and it was SO EXCITING. And I actually heard the overhead announcement calling General Syndulla and I gasped out loud because I love Hera so much. So much.

Like an hour after that I went to the panto. Not flies tonight, so it was pretty relaxed, and I reread an entire, very sad and heartbreaking but with a happy ending fic. And read more of another fic. There was a hilarious moment where an actor fucked up a line — the line is “I am a Trump University graduate” and he said “I am a University Trump graduate” instead. I literally snorted out loud and a couple of actors who were offstage waiting for their cue laughed as well. It was great.

Not much else? Did a bit of reading once the wifi went off, read an entire 21k fic. It was good, though some awkward moments were SO AWKWARD, yikes. And I wrote 381 words of the Bad Ship soulmate concept, finishing it off — I’m not super happy with the scene I wrote but hey, it exists now, it can be edited. Although it’s like… so sappy and romantic, I don’t even know anymore if it’s Good. But anyway . Before that I did a tag meme game. And responded to the one (1) ask for this writing ask game. And I reread a Barrissoka fic I started writing months ago and I thought I had a lot more to write but I think it’s actually pretty close to done? I just need to figure out a title, I think. And maybe do one (technically two for complicated reasons but for idea purposes it’s just one) more scene. Yeah. Also I can’t believe I forgot but my aunt’s dog is staying with us for a few days and it’s so weird. Our dog is a beagle/jack russell cross, so she’s short — like, up to our knees, maybe — and my aunt’s dog Toto is a standard poodle. She’s just so… tall. It’s weird, I’m so not used to it.

bluegansey: allison argent laughing and smiling with a pink background (allison argent pink)

 Good-ish, bad-ish day? Mostly good right now, so that's something.

Panto matinee today, and it went fine basically? I didn't have to do flies so I read... a lot. Finished this Bluepulse fic, and my Hothouse Flower reread. Yet Another Problem I have with the series: the constant trend of abusive parents who get forgiven. Like, fuck... if your mother gets your boyfriend arrested for statutory rape -- when she had NO REASON to believe that he actually committed the crime -- you would have every right to not talk to her. And, you know, you also don't have to forgive your mother for destroying the lives of the people most important to you (different case) and you definitely don't have to forgive your father for being downright abusive for your whole life just because he loves you. Like, for fuck's sake.

Uh... anyway. A couple of the other Problematic Ship Blogs reblogged from my Problematic Ship Blog, so I went through them and reblogged e v e r y t h i n g I liked. Which took a Lot of time. And I also started reading this fic -- it's a post-apocalyptic Batfam AU. It's good! There's lots that's clearly inspired by Mad Max: Fury Road, which I appreciate. And my brother wanted fondue, so my family had cheese fondue for dinner. It was... something. Actually, the flavour was a little strong for me (probably too much wine, for me, and I don't like the taste of strong cheese) so I didn't... love it... but it wasn't bad either.

And just now I watched the Sense8 Christmas special! It was so great, I'm really happy. Nomanita is always so lovely to see, and Hernandito was also great. And fuck, I'm sad about what Lito's going through, but the scene with his mother... oh god, I almost cried. I'm so happy about that. I'm happy about most everything, actually. I might make an entry with more coherent thoughts in the morning.

ETA: I'm pretty sure I was also reading through the Death Of The Family comic storyline but I didn't write about it? Uh. So I think that was this day. I'm maybe a quarter of the way through it, or a bit less.
 

bluegansey: allison argent laughing and smiling with a pink background (allison argent pink)

 Also a pretty good day, despite being a little stressful! I'm glad.

My parents had a very small Christmas party tonight, and I had panto, so I was away for most of it. The cleaning was stressful, because my mom gets stressed and then angry while cleaning, but it went pretty much smoothly. I helped make this chili dip recipe we always use, and she made jelly meatballs that I don't like because it has chili sauce and I know it's not ketchup but it smells like ketchup so I can't eat it without feeling sick. Panto went pretty well, actually, though it was different -- the person who calls cues, who used to spend the duration of the show at a standing desk next to the fly rail, moved to the front of house, so I had to actually respond over headset when she gave me my cues. It went better than I expected, and didn't end up being super stressful -- the Assistant Stage Manager (ASM) was also on headset for a lot of it, so that took some of the stress out of it. And the show went smoothly, except for the ASM leaving on some backstage lights for a while after intermission and also one of the actors knocking a tree into a wall. And at the end, the director of the show brought the crew onstage to describe our jobs and stuff. Which was surprisingly okay and made me glad I wore my black-and-white cat sweater instead of the black hoodie I've usually been wearing.

By the time I got home, the party was mostly winding down, so I just took some cookies and eggnog (christ, that's most of what I ate today... I am just Not Hungry? I ate like one proper meal total) into the living room and continued reading this Bluepulse fic. It's really good so far, with some great emotional gut-punch moments. I started reading it at the panto, and I'm still reading it. Can't wait to see how it ends. I also read another cute fic just now that I can't link, but it was sweet Christmas fluff and I'm so happy about it. It made me smile so much. Also random side note but two different people asked me what I was reading on my kobo. The first one -- another crew at the panto, Alyssa -- asked what book it was, and I said it wasn't a book and then went oh shit and said that it was for school. And she pointed out that it was winter break and I forced a laugh and said that I'm online schooled. Which is not a lie, just very misleading. And then it was someone at the party, my neighbour, and she didn't ask for specifics, so I just said "A book" and she was all "ah, Nicola the Avid Reader. You've probably read that like three times already, right?" and I forced a laugh again. Ahaha.

And the Carrie Fisher thing. All I can say is that I really, really hope she's okay. 2016, you've already taken so much. Please.
 

bluegansey: amy pond holding a book with a yellow background (amy pond yellow)

Today was pretty decent? Actually. I finished this Jayroy fic in the morning, and the rest of the day was… pretty chill? I was mostly avoiding everyone while reading a different longfic (can’t link it) and hiding in my room. Which I basically never do. It’s just because I’m still kind of mad about yesterday and… yeah.

Zoe came over as well, and that was fun. Ace discourse can die in a fire, antis are ridiculous, and sexuality is weird and confusing is mostly what we talked about? And Rogue One memes. And how gay Draco Malfoy is… like. Buddy. You’re not subtle. And we talked about the TRC Jedi AU that we talked about months ago, and tonight I found the files and emailed the text to her because it’s actually… pretty interesting. I might actually write it. It would be long, so I have to wait until I’m done Lights, but I think I might. It’s a definite possibility.

Panto tonight. Not flies! Which actually makes it sort of… boring. Uh. I sorta feel like I never know what to do. But I’m sure I’ll figure it out. I spent most of it reading the aforementioned unlinkable fic. It’s really good, actually, and LONG, by fic standards — just over 100k. And it also almost made me cry but shh. It’s good. I’m still waiting for the actual Romance to Happen, and I’m 61% done — page 191 of 309 on my kobo — but there are. Uh. Good reasons for that. And the pining is nice and sweet. And the character development and introspection! Utterly gorgeous and wonderful. One of the best fics, objectively, that I’ve ever read. Ahh I just want to go read more? Yeah.

bluegansey: peggy carter holding captain america's shield on a blue background (peggy carter blue)
I really don’t want to talk, so I’ll be really quick about this. Baking in the afternoon: shortbread cookies and gingerbread cookies. Panto, on flies; my mom, brother, aunt, uncle, and cousins were there. It went okay, with some minor weird bits (the demon forgot his lines, twice; the bear kicked a tree into a wall during a dance). Reading this fic, a Young Justice Jayroy fic — it’s pretty good so far, and I was reading it during the panto.
bluegansey: close-up of ahsoka tano looking down and to the left (ahsoka tano gray)

 Overall a pretty decent day, I think?

Matinee for panto today, and the first one I've done where I haven't been doing the flies. It was significantly more relaxing. I read a 20k fic and almost finished a way longer fic (finished it later at home) before Maria (regular flies person) asked if I could do the flies for the second half of the last act so she could leave early. I did, and it was fine. And it was pretty good.

My mom is sick, so dinner was a little bit of a disaster, but pretty good -- frittata and salad and I need to eat frittatas more, apparently I like them. And she said the wifi would be off at 11, but she went to bed at ten because she's sick and so :) I'm still on here. Small excuse: I'm trying to get through my backlog of fic update emails. During this Process, I read a handful of other fics in various tags, all unlinkable, and found a new squick! The opposite of good! Tbh, it's not a weird thing to be squicked by -- like, at all, honestly the idea of liking it is more than a little disturbing to me -- but it's been a while since I found a new one.

Ugh, this entry is a mess...? Anyway. I'm just gonna go to bed.

bluegansey: clarke griffin turned away on a green background (clarke griffin green)

I don’t even know.

I woke up sick this morning — not unexpected, considering how I felt yesterday — and actually wasn’t too worried, since hey, I’m done with flies until the 21st and don't really need to come in! But no, apparently the regular person was back for the matinee and not the evening show, so I went in sick. I did get some time to relax, but really… not enough. It went fine — I basically get it now, which is kinda unbelievable since I started less than a week ago — so not much to say there? The audience was really interactive, though, and I think with more teens than usual — though I have no way of knowing for sure, I guess. Anyway. After that, my mom picked me up and we (with my brother) went White Spot for later-dinner at 10:30pm.

My brother told me, earlier, to go to Cinemasins because they did a video about the Clone Wars movie. I actually agreed with… some of the points… since the movie isn’t the strongest. But some of the sins really Rustled My Jimmies — I mean, calling Ahsoka more annoying than Jar Jar? I actually can’t find a way to see that statement as not sexist. And a few other things that are really obvious with context, or even just thinking on it a little bit. I… probably should watch less Cinemasins, it bothers me. I watched the video for Gone Girl after that (couldn’t remember if I’d seen it… still don’t) and then I watched the Cinemawins video for Suicide Squad and cheered up a little.

Not… much else? Handful of fics, unlinkable, a few Rogue One fics that I can’t link since I’m offline, a couple of longer Superbat fics since I wanted to have something to read at the panto on my phone (since the fic I’m reading on my kobo is a little… odd… and I really wouldn’t want someone reading it over my shoulder) and now I really need to sleep. Also I spilled honey on the keyboard and now the space bar is half-stuck, and I am Annoyed.

bluegansey: padme amidala on a blue background (padme amidala blue)

 Star Wars, Star Wars, NOTHING BUT STAR WARS. And DC, I guess, but that's my fixation right now so that's not surprising. Christ, it's really late and I am so, so tired and COLD because the heat has been off for hours. Fuck.

I WENT TO SEE ROGUE ONE. I DIED. I already posted my reaction here, but just like. God. I'm not over it. I've been posting about it all night. I went to see it at 12:25 and managed to miss my grandparent's visit entirely, which I probably shouldn't feel happy about. It wasn't too busy, luckily, which I'm glad of. But one great moment: there was an ad for the Rogue One soundtrack and I heard someone a few rows above me gasp. Someone with them said "we're literally about to watch it" and they said "I know, I'm just so excited." Hard same, random stranger, hard same.

Panto again, and I worked flies again. It was better than last night, except one moment at the end -- I didn't realize I was supposed to lift the curtain so the kids in the audience could come onstage and get autographs, so I wasn't ready. The director was giving a speech, and I wasn't listening because I literally could not hear a word, so maybe I was supposed to get my cue from that? But yeah, I was a few seconds late but it was fine. It's all good. Also this happened.

And I'm reading a longfic right now with angels and demons and theology and a fuckton of era-appropriate (unfortunately) homophobia. It's pretty good, not much to say about it... and I went incognito to look for fic for the first time in my life, and wow. It was... something. Although I sort of realized pretty quickly that there's very little of what I was looking for, overall, so I just browsed regular fic tags for a while. And it was fine. Anyway.

bluegansey: clara oswald looking at the sky in wonder (clara oswald black)

So panto wasn't as bad as it could have been. I was in hysterics (i mean, kinda? Just terrified mostly) all day and sort of just started crying at one point because I was so scared -- and I basically never cry because I'm too emotionally numb, so that's definitely something. And it went... mostly okay. I missed one cue, the greenery in the first forest scene (it comes in after the opening and then doesn't move for the rest of the show) so I just slowly lowered it in during the scene and it was fine. I was a little slow on the reds a couple times as well, but I think I'm getting the hang of doing them faster. One particularly great moment was during a series of very fast cues (reds down, a few other things, reds back up basically) my cable -- that connects my headset -- got caught on something, and since I needed it so I could get to the reds, I was frantically trying to figure out what the fuck it was caught on -- and it was caught on an actor's PROP SWORD THAT WAS HANGING OFF HIS HIP. IT WAS HILARIOUS. I didn't miss my cue, though, so that probably contributed to how funny it was.

I didn't do much else? I got back on tumblr, with a lot of drafts -- I'll continue clearing them tomorrow -- and it was very nice. Everyone was talking about Rogue One, so I snapped and got a ticket for tomorrow in the early afternoon. I can just... see it again with my brother. I just want to see Darth Vader on a big screen for the first time in my life, come on universe you can give me that. And I'm really sort of sick but I know it's because of overindulging on sugar. I can't really breathe properly and my throat hurts like I have a serious cough, but I don't. On that note: supposed to be choir today, but it was cancelled. Lucky, because I could not sing a note today. Also! I have an idea for a soulmate AU that I've wanted to do for a while, and I'm gonna start it soon. I looked through this tag for ideas, and finally settled on "matching symbols" though I may change it. I just want a morally complicated soulmate AU. And I went through a ship tag and found a cute fic and now I'm looking through the author's bookmarks of that ship (it's an Unnamed Ship and also the same ship that I'm writing the soulmate AU for) and I'm surprisingly cheerful, overall? Somehow.

bluegansey: padme amidala on a blue background (padme amidala blue)

 What is life? What is everything? I'm back on the computer, as should be obvious, and wow, I'm in... a state.

I did a lot over the missing time! I read a bunch of fics, worked a lot more on the panto (daily rehearsals lately, first preview tomorrow, opening Friday) and went to an island to check out a school. The school was really interesting: I went on Sunday night and stayed until the next day. I still don't know if I want to go, but if I do... it'll be in February. I just don't know at this point if I want to, because it's basically like summer camp? All the time? Anyway. While I was there, I spent like an hour hiking (and dying of exhaustion), played the part of a missing person in the Christmas play they were rehearsing (it snowed overnight on Sunday, and it wasn't supposed to and I was Unprepared. Also, my life is JUST THEATRE RIGHT NOW) and then my mom and I drove around for a while. We saw four deer on the road and an OTTER. ON THE ROAD. I don't even know.

Panto stuff, well... *ugly laughter* I'm doing flies now! And I did them for the first time today! And fucked up, badly, multiple times! And I'm doing it tomorrow for a fucking audience! I sorta feel like I should fake my death to get out of this or something and I feel like I'm going to throw up every time I think about it. I just don't have time to practice and it's TOMORROW. I can't deal with this. I kinda need to break something.

Nothing much else to say? Oh, I watched some movies while I was offline (movies don't COUNT, they aren't on a computer) -- The Dark Knight Returns (both parts), Batman: Year One, Son of Batman (rewatch), Black Mirror 3x03 (weird, kinda uncomfortable, not my thing) and 3x04 (wonderful, beautiful, showstopping, never been done, always grateful), and a few more episodes of Supergirl. I feel like I might be forgetting something, but eh. I dunno. I don't really have much more to say? K. Oh, I also went to the naturopath today and she was in hysterics at my one dinner which was basically an eggnog latte, chocolate protein bar, a brownie, orange juice, and probably more I'm forgetting. Also she was making a comparison and said "you wouldn't eat a whole bowl of chocolate syrup, right?" and I just kinda. Stared.

bluegansey: isabelle lightwood on a starry blue background (isabelle lightwood blue)

 Somehow I'm going to go five days, in my Actual House, without using the computer or my phone. I've loaded up my Kobo with a bunch of fic, and I am Ready. I also won't be on here, obviously, so... yeah.

Choir rehearsal today, and it was only 45 minutes for some reason, which is Good basically. My dad got Costco pizza for dinner, and I made it while he was out (from like four until six) and then it got cold, because I didn't realize how long he would be out. And then a panto rehearsal -- first full costume one, and it went... basically okay? Not bad, but not great either. I missed a few cues, as a result of not actually knowing any cues that I'm supposed to know somehow, but I'm getting a basic idea of it? Also I decided to chew gum beforehand and that was a mistake -- three/four hours of chewing turned it into slowly disintegrating plastic. We didn't have a garbage backstage yet, so in desperation I grabbed a tea bag and wrapped my gum in that and stuck it in my pocket. It sorta exploded all over the inside of my pocket, but at least I wasn't eating the disintegrating plastic anymore.

One of the reasons I'm doing this internet/computer thing now is because I'm going to an island to check out a school on Monday, except it might be Sunday now because I might be taking the ferry with a sort-of friend that happens to be coming from this area (she goes to that school) and staying the night. Which would definitely be An Experience, but I'm still sorta iffy on it... I mean, if I don't, I'll have to get up at 5am on Monday, but maybe that wouldn't be so bad. Who knows. Anyway, I should... log out. Since I'm Done for the rest of the week/five days.

bluegansey: allison argent laughing and smiling with a pink background (allison argent pink)

 This is the fourth day in a row or something where I've been out in the evening or day, and today it was both -- panto rehearsal (at the actual theatre now!) from one to almost five, and Philosopher's Cafe in the evening. I spent most of the panto rehearsal reading -- I finished my reread of this Superbat fic (ahh I still love it so much) and then I browsed my bookmarks to look for SFW fics to read on my phone, because someone leaned over my shoulder and said "good book?" during possibly the only mildly explicit scene in the entire fic. I don't know if they saw the actual story, but like... it was scary. So I managed to get through like six pages of bookmarks, and I came to realize just how many damn explicit fics I read. Like... DC is Something Else, I never expected this. I think the combination of having tons of quality fic and also not feeling sex repulsed for a long while (it's been so long... I don't even remember ever being sex repulsed but like that's just my shitty memory) and yeah. I don't know how I feel about it, who knows.

Philosopher's Cafe was good as well! There was a new person there, named Jason -- he doesn't live at the Point but has a vacation house there and yeah. He was pretty cool, I guess. There wasn't really a set theme for our discussion, so we talked about the weather, skiing, and like... various things? Don't really remember most of it. Zoe was there and we talked for a while after and it was good. And then I came home, basically -- after going to the grocery store and getting wine (my mom), mint m&ms (my mom), whoppers (me since they're not in Canada but I didn't want them atm and haven't had any yet. my brother tried to take some and made the excuse that they were for his gerbils... he should not be allowed to parent) and a blueberry Tillamook yogurt cup (me, because I fucking love tillamook and they don't have it in Canada). Also weird thing: when we were crossing the border, we saw a bunch of border cops standing in the middle of the road in front of the way back to Canada and holding flashlights? Like??? I don't even know why. I'm confused. They were gone later though.

DISCOURSE! Of course. Someone made a condescending essay post (I mentioned it already I think) and I responded to it... because I'm a dumbass... and they didn't care, obviously, and someone else who responded to it replied to an earlier post I made about whether I should fight them or not. And they were really nice about it, and it turns out that the other person has a long history of suicide baiting and being a generally awful person. And yeah, I sorta had a fuckton of anxiety for a while, but this person helped me feel a bit better. Also someone else who I followed already/have talked to before (though they don't know I'm the same person as my sideblogs... ahhh shit I need to tell them but also how) responded as well and I just feel??? Better now??? It's nice. I guess. Anyway it's 2:40 and I am GOING TO BED. And wow, I made a lot tags on this... today was busier than I thought... oh I also watched an episode of The Office with my mom and brother, though my mom left halfway through to pick up my dad. It was the one with a fire and Michael sexually harassing the temp guy. It was okay. Okay I'm legit gonna sleep now my hands are shaking almost too much to type

bluegansey: allison argent laughing and smiling with a pink background (allison argent pink)

I can’t tell how today was because most of it was a blur. Not good, overall, I guess; I think I’m actually deep into a major depressive episode. Which probably should have been obvious, but oh well. Right now I feel pretty good because I just read an EXCELLENT fic. Can’t link it, but trust me: it was good. Really good. I mean, it had some elements that made me uncomfortable (sort of a really dark AU where all the characters are basically sociopaths, I feel like the tag “mildly dubious consent” is kind of insufficient since as far as I can tell it was either dubious consent or rape depending on which chapter, and a fair amount of sadism which I am NOT into) but it was actually good? And I really liked the ending, and just. Yeah. I’m in a decent mood right now, somehow.

I wrote! 1.3k! Not Lights — a Han-died-earlier-and-Leia-mourns-him fic — but still. Words. I may publish it, or maybe not. I really need to edit Lights 4, but I also need to finish chapter 7 because good god it just needs to be DONE. I will do it. Sometime. Hopefully soon.

Other than that… panto rehearsal today! A full run-through and I actually did… one thing. Moved a set piece. That would be it. I also spent the whole time annoyed because I’d started rereading a fic on my phone and it was all loaded up and ready to go except I couldn’t read it because I’m not going to read explicit fic in the middle of a rehearsal. Tragically. But yeah, it was good, I have a decent sense of the story by now, I like all of the songs (last year there were a couple that just plain irritated me) and it’s looking like I won’t have a lot to do, so. I love theatre. I really do.

Day 1 of not talking to my brother because he went to see Doctor Strange. Mostly a success; dinner was fun when I got to tell my mom to tell him something. Several times. It’s sort of dumb at this point, but like… I’m actually hurt that he just refuses to listen, that he thinks that racism doesn’t matter. It’s not just this, either. And I know he has some Bad opinions, especially racially, it’s just… a lot. And I’m sad.

OKAY WHAT. I wrote this entry, and then I went back and FINISHED LIGHTS 7. The scene is about 550 words, and rough — oh, god, it’s so rough — but it’s DONE. And I can’t believe it. TWENTY MINUTES, MAYBE. Why am I like this. AND I EDITED CHAPTER 4? WHAT TO HECK. I am In Awe. And also going to bed, what the hell, it’s so late.

bluegansey: isabelle lightwood on a starry blue background (isabelle lightwood blue)
So I wrote about 1.4k of Lights! FINALLY MOVING PROGRESS ON MY LITERAL ONLY WIP. I’m so done with being stuck; I just need this to finish up. I’m moving into the climax right now, and it’s hard to figure out the logistics and the emotional beats; I’ll get it, I just need time. But I’ve progressed! Three whole, if short, scenes from chapter 7. Once I finish the first draft of this damn chapter, I can move back to edit chapter 4 and get it edited and published. I need to get it published, oh god, it’s been almost a month again. Please god. There’s probably only one more major scene in this chapter — I mean, probably, it ended up longer than I thought so who knows — but I think I need a little time before I tackle it, since I planned most of the story around this moment and the entirety of the next chapter, which this moment leads to. I also wrote a tiny bit of my novel — just over 200 words — but that was. Not much. So. Also 563 words of a New Story Idea that stuck in my head all day. Idk if anything’s gonna happen with it, but it exists now, so.

Other things! There was a panto rehearsal today and I stayed until they got through the whole second act and started working on a dance. I would have stayed until the end, but like… I wasn’t doing anything at all, literally. At least up until that point, I’d had a plot to pay attention to, even if it was a little rough. But yeah. Idk. I’m looking forward to actually doing the show, but that’s still a while away yet. I also went to yoga with my mom at the local community centre. It was exhausting and I hate yoga, but it wasn’t… quite as bad as it could have been. Sorta. Idk. I’ll probably be sore tomorrow, and I almost blacked out a couple of times, but. Yeah. It wasn’t terrible.

I felt vaguely weird and unfocused again today, around the time I was trying to go on tumblr — which was annoying as hell, because I just wanted to get it done. I did, but it took a lot of mental energy. Everything internet related felt hard today; I read a lot of fics for [redacted pairing] but couldn’t do much else. I mean, I could barely go on fucking Pinterest until I was down to the seconds of internet time. I also read another fic series; can’t link it, because one of the pairings is Bad (not the same bad pairing as before, but still) but it was good. Three works, about 20k each; pretty nice. I’ll probably add it to my reading log tomorrow? If the series is complete, which it might not be and I can’t check since I read it after the wifi went down. But yeah. ANYWAY.

ANXIETY

Nov. 7th, 2016 11:48 am
bluegansey: amy pond holding a book with a yellow background (amy pond yellow)
If I were responsible, I would be writing, but I kind of feel uninspired and vaguely stressed and all I want to do is have a shower and fall into bed. I’m not even tired, I just don’t want to deal with This anymore. What is This, you ask? It’s everything. I don’t want to deal with anything right now at all. I wrote 300 words of the Snaibsel week day 7 (free day — theatre crew AU) fic, and that’s it.

I’ve been in a constant state of anxiety all day. So I have this theatre crew thing I do, for a Christmas play that happens near where I live, and today I was supposed to go to a rehearsal so I could watch and get an idea of the plot and such. But the email didn’t confirm where it was. My mom knew, but that wasn’t enough because I needed to see with my own eyes where it was supposed to be, and I had an anxiety freakout. I fucking hate those. Because I yell and get mad and cry. And then my dad told me that I’m making his life difficult and I fucking SNAPPED because MY ANXIETY DISORDER IS NOT ABOUT YOU AND BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I AM AWARE OF HOW IT CAN AFFECT PEOPLE. I ended up going after my mom bribed me with Starbucks, but I only stayed for a little over an hour. By the time I left I was feeling better, but I’d asked my mom to lie and say that I had somewhere to be, so. It was… fine. I just. Don’t want to think about it.
 
More anxiety sorta later, when a tumblr user messaged me on my discourse and asked if I’d made the Bad Ships blog I’d mentioned. And then they asked what my main was and like an idiot I told them, and awkwardly realized that oOPS they follow me already and I’d forgotten. But they sent me some Nice Fanart and it was cool. But I was trembling with anxiety the whole time. I think it’s an exhaustion and anxiety thing, since it happens when I’m either really tired or talking to someone online. The two often overlap, so I’d just thought it was a tiredness thing.
 
I read a lot of fic — got through the pileup in my inbox — and it was Good. I’m about to reread this fic — the trans!Stephanie Brown one that’s so good and gives me warm and fuzzy feelings. I started it earlier, and I’m Excited For More. Other things, just quickly: I made a meatball casserole for dinner, my mom and I got mad at my dad for defending Trump (and he said that he wasn’t and my mom was like “that’s literally exactly what you’re doing”) and it was good. Also I went into a ship tag and the first thing there was “i hope anyone who ships this dies” so like… that wasn’t fun.

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bluegansey: wonder woman with a hood over her head holding her lasso (Default)
Nicola

July 2017

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