bluegansey: close-up of ahsoka tano looking down and to the left (ahsoka tano gray)

I don’t know.

I finished reading a long SuperCat fic. Watched one episode of Supergirl. Read various other fics. Went to the mall for Greek food, saltines for a recipe (note: got those at the dollar store, along with some candy and noisemakers for New Year’s, and saw my former Drama teacher there), and a Christmas gift for my mom — a winter hat. Also a scarf for myself. And bread — the bakery didn’t have sourdough so I got multigrain.

Now I’m just feeling blank and bored and I was rereading saved fic on my computer and I had a fight with my mom over the internet and I’m just overall really sad and I feel vaguely lonely and miserable and cut off from the world since I have no internet. And I want to write but the spark is just… not there. And I’m just sad. Jabba the Hutt/Diego Luna memes are my only friends right now.

bluegansey: clarke griffin turned away on a green background (clarke griffin green)

I should be working on my WIP. I am not. Because I am a Disaster. Like today was. And, uh, this is really whiny I guess, but I was... really upset yesterday and had a really kind of fucked up day, so I'm still going to post it. For posterity.

God. I got up after a really decent amount of sleep — like, solid eight hours, all good — exhausted. Like, barely moving, too-tired-to-shower exhausted. And then my mom told me I should “get off the computer and rest” so I went back to my bedroom and read more of Addicted For Now (which I have. So many complaints about. But that’s for another time) and ended up feeling even more tired than before! Like, nearly-falling-asleep-whenever-I-sit-down exhausted! And then I went to fucking choir practice after not practicing all week like I was supposed to. And it was awful and tiring and I got sick halfway through and almost threw up. I had to not go to the panto rehearsal tonight, after I emailed that I would be there this morning, and then I had a really really bad stomach ache all evening.

Like, what the fuck? Why does god hate me? Literally what the fuck did I do to incur god’s wrath or what-the-fuck-ever. The only good/neutral things that happened today were reading an update (chapter 8) of this fic, an update (chapter 2) of this fic, reading a few other fics (including this one on my kobo after I went to bed), writing (700-ish words of a new concept, because I can’t work on my WIP right now), painting my nails red and green for Christmas month, and watching one episode of Supergirl — episode 5. I’m just going to go to bed now, even though it’s barely midnight, because I’m just. Tired. Of everything.

bluegansey: amy pond holding a book with a yellow background (amy pond yellow)

So for some reason I decided to bake after my mom went to bed? I made brownies. I put them away and washed everything. It’s drying now and I’ll put it away before I go to bed. I kinda wanna see whether she notices that I made brownies or not. I also reread a fic — the last fic in a fic series that made me BELIEVE IN LOVE. It’s just so beautiful and pure and cavity-inducing fluff. I cry.

A few other fics were read, as well, but not as many as the rest of this week because my body seems to be falling apart around me. I got this agonizing sharp pain in my abdomen, like a period cramp but I’m not on my period. (When I told my mom, she asked if I was pregnant. I’m definitely not pregnant unless I’m the fucking Virgin Mary reborn. Which she knows. God.) And then I laid in bed and watched two whole episodes of Supergirl, in my underwear and bra because clothes were irritating me, and now I’m four episodes in! I cannot binge watch. It’s an attention thing. But when you’re in so much pain that lying down is the only viable option, it’s surprisingly easy to pay attention. Anyway, after that I had dinner and got sick halfway through and couldn’t finish it. Which was just… great. But yeah. I had a bowl of brownie batter; it wasn’t as sweet as that fic I was reading, but it was pretty damn nice.

I also did Writing Things? Sent chapter 4 of Lights to beta. Idk how long it’ll be, but soon. Soon. I can finally publish it. And maybe stop feeling so goddamn guilty all the goddamn time. That would be… nice. Also I had an Anxiety thing for two reasons: someone whose content I’ve reblogged was outed as an abuser and anti-self-dx person, and a bunch of people basically… shunned her, and it was really kind of scary and anxiety-inducing because I followed a lot of people involved in it. I didn’t follow her, but… it was terrifying, almost. And then I saw that someone I follow — someone who I’ve seen involved in anti-anti stuff, who follows my discourse blog AND my problematic ship blog — reblogged a post from an anti blog that causes me unspeakable anxiety. I think it’s probably just that she followed them a while ago and didn’t realize what side of the Discourse they were on, but… that blog has so much incredibly self-righteous smugness and bullshit (such as “you can’t ship this CANON ship because it’s bad in some continuities” and “you’re an Unsafe Blog if you ship literally the most popular ship in the entire fandom”, and all of this linked from their damn description and sidebar, so anyone who goes on the blog will see it) that it made me have an anxiety attack last time I saw it, and. Yeah. I feel awful about it, but I’m trying not to think about it. God, I shouldn’t have written about this; I was in such a good mood. Oh well, I’ll do dishes and go to bed and try not to think about it some more.

bluegansey: close-up of ahsoka tano looking down and to the left (ahsoka tano gray)
*shaky laughter* I just wrote almost 4k. It’s almost 3am, I’m so tired. I finished the Snaibsel Hunter/Witch AU! It ended up 10.7k total, so only about 7-8k longer than I thought it’d be. But that’s fine. I also wrote 600 words of Lights, but really, the 4k of this fic is probably more relevant. I’m actually so happy with it? Honestly. On the topic of writing: reblogged a writing ask game and someone asked for writing advice here. I feel like it’s decent advice? Who knows. It’s just what works for me.

Also had therapy today. Last session ended with my mom telling her that I’m bi (by showing her a facebook post I made, but still) and we talked about that a little. Also talked about writing, and choir stuff, and… maybe something else? Not sure. I can’t remember. It’s almost 3am. Actually, also about that thing I saw on twitter a few days ago that really bothered me. Anyway, that was good, and I got a latte afterwards. I didn’t get out to get clothes for my halloween party, but whatever. And my mom helped me with choir stuff, after that — she stapled together this one piece of sheet music in a way that I can actually read, since I couldn’t before, and that’s been convenient. I feel more confident about that song (The Prayer) which is good since we were supposed to memorize it. I can’t… memorize things… but I wrote it out, so there’s that.

I also started watching Supergirl! I watched the first two episodes. I really like Kara and Alex and Jimmy so far. I ship Kara with Jimmy and also Cat. I think I like this show so far — ladies are good, always.

And I saw someone rec my fic!! I happened to be in the Obikin tag and I saw the fic rec post, and I saw that it mentioned fix-its in the beginning, and thought I’d just check to see if mine was there… and it WAS!!! God, it was such a good feeling. I am so happy about it still. I’m still glowing over their comments. HAPPINESS. Okay, a headache is building, so I really need to go to bed, but I’ll just quickly mention that my dad spent about fifteen minutes ranting about how corrupt Hillary Clinton is and then defended Donald Trump’s “locker room talk” comment, by saying that he’d probably said similar things and didn’t mean them. Thank you, dad, for destroying all my trust in you and ruining any hopes you had of me not seeing you as a sexist asshole. And I also found out that neither of my parents knew that the USA has marriage equality and I am Confused.

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bluegansey: wonder woman with a hood over her head holding her lasso (Default)
Nicola

July 2017

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