bluegansey: leia organa holding blaster and looking determined on a red background (leia organa red)

 I need to sleep, but also like... posterity. I saw Hidden Figures today -- so good, so so good, I LOVED it. There was also a Thing where I was driving with my mom and there was a dog on the side of the road that was about to run onto the road -- the owner was approaching it slowly, and it didn't have a leash, and I Realized, and I sort of freaked out. The dog was fine -- the owner got to it and grabbed its collar as we passed them, but it was so terrifying. My mom says I got really pale and my heart didn't stop hammering for like ten minutes and I couldn't stop shaking and I almost cried. Something similar happened to me on Christmas day -- my dog ran into traffic and it was like a fucking miracle of God that she didn't get hit by a car (i'm agnostic but that almost made me believe) and one time a few months ago my mom hit a rabbit while we were driving and it was kinda similar to today's thing -- hesitating by the side of the road and then jumping in at the last second. That's what I was afraid of. And it didn't happen but yeah.

In other news, America is rapidly becoming a dystopia and I am so. Fucking. Terrified and highkey want to die. I ended up writing out my feelings with some original work and that was... something. It was really disturbing actually but if I'm writing I'm not doing it so that's. Good. Anyway I'm Tired and I should probably like. Sleep.

bluegansey: clara oswald looking at the sky in wonder (clara oswald black)

 I keep missing days. Uh. Depressive episode? I don't even know anymore. It's cool. It's fine.

But today something actually happened! I went to the Women's March in Vancouver with Leichelle. It was really cool, actually, and I got pictures (links to the other posts at the bottom). I've never been to anything like that before and it was really nice. Afterwards Leichelle and I got lunch and ice cream at the mall. I also was reading and idk if it's unproblematic so I can't link it but. It's a good fic. And another fic that I definitely can't link which is about a trope I hate but the idea sounded too interesting to pass up and yeah, I have to admit it was actually pretty good.

My parents' friends Janna and Didier (?) (still don't know how to spell his name because it's French) also ended up coming over -- they both live in the interior and Janna can't drive anymore so she sometimes drives down with him. And they (including my parents) are currently sitting in the living room and yelling at me to go to bed every couple of minutes.. It's... not going to work. It's not. I... also had a bubble bath (I haven't had one in years and idk why not it's so fun) and redid the theme on my Problematic ship blog (and because I don't know when to stop I also made a tags page and changed the icon/mobile theme) and yeah. Okay. I've hardly slept for two days so I should go to bed.

 

bluegansey: isabelle lightwood on a starry blue background (isabelle lightwood blue)
Well, today has been shitty (to say the least) but I just read the most adorable fic series and I can’t stop smiling, and I really needed that. So that’s one good thing.
 
So, election. The news is settling; I’m less crushed with sadness and fear and more numb. I sort of got my dad to understand part of why I was upset, I think, so I feel a little better about that. But mostly just… ugh. Ugh, ugh, ugh. I don’t want to deal; I only reblogged a couple of political posts onto my main blog, and they were mostly about self-care and positivity. My discourse blog was full of it, of course, but I didn’t want to think about it too much.
 
I sort of freaked out when my parents refused to take me to the grocery store. I almost got my dad to, and then my mom talked to him and he came back and lectured me on not “using sugar to dull the pain” and um, I’d rather use sugar than self-harm, so I took transit to the mall and got Greek food (from a different place than usual) and chocolate frosting and cake mix from the dollar store. I haven’t made the cake, actually — I just bought it so the cashier wouldn’t consider it too weird for me to be buying two containers of frosting. I almost came home, but I went to the wrong side of the transit thing… twice… the first time was right, I thought it was wrong, and god I’m annoyed. I’m usually at a station with only one direction. So I sort of sat outside and read my book and planned to wait there for hours, but my dad came to pick me up. Which I didn’t ask for, so idk why.
 
My mom also took me to a Thing — it’s about colour healing and stuff. I dunno. It was nice, but she was under the impression that it would cure my depression, and that car conversation turned into a massive fight and I ended up having to talk to my dad about being suicidal because of the election. And it was awful, and I wish I hadn’t brought up how I don’t trust my therapist anymore or the internet thing or medication or literally anything. And now I’m upset again. Fucking great.
bluegansey: amy pond holding a book with a yellow background (amy pond yellow)

Anyway, Trump is going to be president and I'm not even American and I'm terrified out of my goddamn mind. I haven't cried very much -- because it takes A LOT for me to actually cry -- but I broke down a few times and I just. I can't deal with this. I don't know how to deal with this and I can't believe that this happened. My dad is acting like this will make things BETTER and I... I don't know what to do. I literally can't remember the last time I felt this suicidal. If we owned a gun... I would have written my goddamn suicide note by now.  I am going to read fic until I don't have to think about this anymore.

I, uh, was going to say more about my day but nothing else really mattered. I stress-baked brownies and watched part of an episode of Grey's Anatomy with my mom. That's basically it. And my mom let me have a shot of rum and it's not helping at all.

bluegansey: close-up of ahsoka tano looking down and to the left (ahsoka tano gray)
I think I vaguely have writer’s block and I’m about 90% sure that it’s connected to the internet thing. Normally I would binge-read fic until I’m tired enough for creativity, but right now I’m way too awake and I don’t have anything I want to read. I wrote a bit of my epic fantasy novel and that’s pretty much it. I don’t want to to go to bed, because I’m not tired in the slightest, but I basically have no choice, so.
 
In other news: Young Justice season 3!!!!! I’m so happy. My twitter timeline and my tumblr dash were both full of YJ stuff. It was a nice distraction from the impending doom that is this election. I think there’s kind of a dark cloud over America right now. I am honestly so unbelievably tired of seeing stuff about the election and I NEED it to be over. I’ll just binge-watch YJ tomorrow and maybe bake something.
 
I’m getting lots of use out of my Problematic Ships blog. I went deep into a Bad Ship tag, and went into someone I follow’s tag for a different Bad Ship and found posts from like four years ago. And reblogged from source to (mostly) hide my stalking. It was good, actually — the actual ship tag I went into is now a ship I’m really into. I was only marginally into it before — now I just really love it, goddamn. I read a couple of REALLY GOOD fics as well and DIED. QUITE A LOT. I also reread this Jaydick fic — the one where Dick died instead of Jason and it’s all very emotional.
 
I was reading that last one on my phone, actually, as I went out with my mom — picked up some stuff and went to Costco. I got pizza, and when we got home, I somehow trapped the last slice between the car door and the fence. I don’t even know. I also convinced her to get taquitos and even though my brother ate mine initially, they were still good. And I tried eggnog for the first time this Christmas season! Free samples, gotta love ‘em. And I also got cranberry juice, which is actually surprisingly difficult.
bluegansey: close-up of ahsoka tano looking down and to the left (ahsoka tano gray)
 SO I WROTE 3.2K SOMEHOW. I don’t even know, man, it was kind of insane. Not all at once, but a good 2k (at least) in one session. It’s for Snaibsel week, Hunter/Witch prompt, which is apparently going to be longer than I thought. I guessed around 2-3k, and it’s 5k and probably not even halfway finished yet. I’m lowkey freaking out because I really don’t have the time, but hey. I’ll finish it. If I have to post it late, so be it.

Today was kind of a Bad Mental Health Day, I guess. I just felt overall pretty gross and guilty about not doing anything, and when I’m in that kind of mood it’s really hard to do anything, and so I just felt Bad. I went out grocery shopping with my mom and bought some nutella, but I didn’t even want it. (I also got gummy bears (because Rie mentioned them last night while we were talking and I was craving them all day) and chocolate-dipped sour keys. I don’t even like sour keys but it’s so good.) I also planned to make apple/curry/celery salad, but I just. Didn’t.

I read a couple of fics, but I also felt Bad about Not reading the ones I got an email about (I got, like, six AO3 emails today) so not that many. I also watched the presidential debate! It was… ungodly terrible. Like, Hillary called Trump a puppet of Russia, and he interrupted her to say “No, you’re the puppet. You’re the puppet.” Because apparently he’s actually just a kindergartener. And he bragged about not apologizing to his wife about the sexual assault scandal. And then there’s the whole, actually scary thing about how he said that he would “keep America in suspense” about whether he’d actually concede the election. Like… what the fuck. How the fuck. I am So Tired please let this End. AND I’M NOT EVEN AMERICAN.

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bluegansey: wonder woman with a hood over her head holding her lasso (Default)
Nicola

July 2017

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