bluegansey: padme amidala on a blue background (padme amidala blue)

 I JUST REALLY NEEDED TO VENT AND NEEDED TO MAKE IT PUBLIC. SORRY IN ADVANCE. and i formatted this for tumblr so that's why there's no punctuation, apologies

bluegansey: isabelle lightwood on a starry blue background (isabelle lightwood blue)
 From [community profile] thefridayfive

1) What family traditions did your family have, while you were growing up?
I'm realising that this is possibly the worst theme for me, since I've been thinking lately (more in terms of culture) that my family doesn't really have any real traditions. No one is religious and everyone identifies as 100% Canadian, with no real outside influences. I honestly find it kinda depressing, considering how many interesting or cool traditions we COULD have.

2) What new traditions have you established since becoming an adult?
Well, I'm not an adult. So I don't know what I'll do. I've been trying to get more into tarot, so maybe I could start reading tarot daily or weekly?

3) What tradition is most important to you in your current life?
Sigh... again, really nothing.

4) What traditions do you have for the current season (spring or fall, depending on where you live)?
:/ wow I'm getting kinda sad about this. WHY IS MY FAMILY SO INCREDIBLY BORING.

5) What traditions would you like to establish in the future? 
Like I mentioned, tarot. I'd like to do smaller things on significant days, in order to commemorate them -- probably mostly historical LGBTQ days. I'd like to buy books and get steak on my birthday whenever possible, and go see this one theatre production every summer once I can't participate myself anymore (this summer is going to be my second-to-last year) and reread certain books/fics at least once per year. And I'd like to continue making myself cry on Valentine's Day -- I think that's my only real tradition, actually, and I didn't even do it this year. (I watch sad scenes from movies or TV shows one after another until the accumulative effect makes me cry) Wow, I'm starting to feel vaguely sad about the future, though that might just be the music I'm listening to. I just discovered this band and their music is EMOTIONAL.

bluegansey: clarke griffin turned away on a green background (clarke griffin green)
 From [community profile] thefridayfive

 1. How do you feel about cooking?
I love it, actually, when I have proper ingredients. I probably prefer baking, but I love both. It's just very hard to cook in my house bc I ALWAYS need to go grocery shopping first and it just feels way too difficult, so I just... preheat.

2. How often do you cook a meal (from mostly fresh ingredients, not something ready-assembled that you just heat)?
Uh... I usually make dinner once or twice a week, and for myself I usually make all breakfasts and lunches but only about... half? Maybe? Are actually cooked as opposed to heated? Not totally sure.

3. How many people do you usually cook for, when you cook?
At home, either myself, or for three or for four (if my dad is home). When I'm at school and happen to be on food (like next school week, ahahahahah we still don't have a food plan!) for twelve.

4. Do you have a favourite recipe book or chef?
No, I tend to just google recipes for whatever ingredients I have or what I want to make.

5. Kitchen tools: use the fewest possible or gadgets are your friend?
I like gadgets! I can't buy them, usually, but I do like them. I have a really cool egg yolk extractor but I put it in my hope chest instead of using it.

bluegansey: harley quinn with a baseball bat across her shoulders and blowing bubblegum on a brown background (harley quinn brown)
So. I know probably no one ever reads my journal, because I basically use it as a diary, so I've decided to... not do that. I've decided I'm going to lock diary entries and try to make an effort to post actual interesting things about fandoms I'm in, so. There's that. (the locking was basically just because I got to a point where I want to talk about specific personal things that would give away my location/identity, and instead of talking around them I decided to lock posts overall). Older posts are staying up, I might edit some or lock some really personal ones but other than that. I might still post personal stuff (probably will) just not tedious diary entries every. single. day.
bluegansey: clara oswald looking at the sky in wonder (clara oswald black)

 GOOD THINGS TODAY:

  • Star Wars Cards Against Humanity (with darthvcder on tumblr) which was SUPER FUN
  • Saw Lego Batman Movie again!!!!
  • Read a couple of good fics (Jaytim, Jaydick, another that I won't link bc it wasn't... good (well it was but it almost gave me a panic attack so... no))
  • Posted a new chapter of Lights! Which I forgot to crosspost here. Shit. I'll do that.
NOT SO GOOD THINGS TODAY:
  • My brother told me that he deleted most of the pictures I took in Japan off his phone. Because I didn't ask for them, apparently.
  • I found out that a writer I'd liked actually has some really shitty opinions (including, but not limited to: feminism is pointless, gay marriage is useless & gay people are sinners ("but I still respect them" okay susan), abortion is murder, Trump isn't that bad, Irish slavery was real, trans people don't exist, birth control is morally wrong, Muslims are terrorists, shipping slash is just "insane fangirls who think everything is gay", making characters not straight is DISRESPECTFUL TO THEIR STRAIGHT HISTORY, and more! It... really fucking hurt, because I kinda thought I could trust them, y'know? I just... I didn't expect it.
  • I wanted to go out for wings since I'm not going to be home on another Wednesday night until summer, but nah.
bluegansey: padme amidala on a blue background (padme amidala blue)

 So I started seeing a new therapist today? It was... okay. I don't know. It's a little weird because she talks really soft and is really comforting and it kinda sets me on edge but I really don't know how to say that. Also, hypnotherapy. About The Discourse™. And I got Dairy Queen after.

Other than that... not much else? Got beta notes back for Lights 5, and it should be ready to post tomorrow, which is... relieving and also I feel anxious but. Relief. I'll hold onto that. I also watched Black Mirror -- finished White Bear (which. Damn) and watched Men Against Fire (which. Nice). I think I really like Black Mirror. And School Group Chat Things; that was fun. I made this because. It's us.

white people are crazy meme but with "white people" scribbled out and "seecers" written over it

And I called Keith an edgelord and it's his name now. And I'm EXHAUSTED, I'm going to bed.

bluegansey: allison argent laughing and smiling with a pink background (allison argent pink)

 I ACTUALLY GOT WRITING DONE. ON LIGHTS. IT'S BEEN MONTHS. I FINISHED EDITING CHAPTER FIVE AND TOMORROW I'M SENDING IT TO BETA AND AHHHHHHHHHHH. I'm actually feeling The Star Wars Vibe right now, and I actually want to catch up on Rebels and finish this damn story and WHAT IS THIS. GOD. My body is READY. I mean. I'm still feeling awful mentally (for Discourse Reasons) and tired all the time (for No Reason) but still. This is good. Caring about SW is good.

I also... I dunno, man. My mom got back from Seattle, Zoe came over and we talked about discourse and shipping and sexuality and all kinds of fun stuff, and I made brownie batter and also an undercooked egg/pepper/onions/bacon/cheese thing, and facetimed with my dad, and not much else.

bluegansey: amy pond holding a book with a yellow background (amy pond yellow)
ROLLERCOASTER OF A DAY, LADS. ROLLERCOASTER.

My mom went to Seattle. I went to Anxiety. I added almost fifty new fics to my ficrec page, which took... well, I'm not sure, but several hours, at least. personal tmi shit sorry )
bluegansey: (damian wayne blue)

 Slightly good thing: I finally (FINALLY) got through the backlog of bookmarks I've been meaning to transfer from my current ao3 to my alt one. And then I read a bunch of other fic. Fun times. It was a great feeling, actually -- I still have to edit my ficrecs page and add a bunch to it, but that's a project for another day. Probably tomorrow; my mom's going to Seattle for the day/night and I'll have lots of free time.

Also, the camping trip I'm going on with my school is being more planned! It's going to be on Salt Spring (Ruckle Park) for two nights. Five people are definitely coming, and a few others may or may not. A few people probably don't know about it; we've emailed now, so anyone who doesn't use the chat will see. I'm actually pretty excited; we'll get to play Cards Against Humanity. Priorities, clearly.

I'm... sure other things happened today, I just can't think of them. Oh Well. I should be sleeping anyway.

bluegansey: isabelle lightwood on a starry blue background (isabelle lightwood blue)

 I've gotten out of the habit of doing these, yikes. I'll try to do better. I'm on spring break now! I changed my twitter @ (to @lumineras) and life is... good, I guess? I'm in a weird place where hearing certain things skyrockets my stress level (and a lot of them are things my brother does all the damn time. hahaha. fun.) but I can deal with it I think?

My school week was pretty good, actually. Megan and Mila were both away so it felt a little weird/unbalanced, but other than that... Leichelle visited from Sunday night to Monday afternoon, and we had another visitor on Wednesday. Also on Wednesday we went geocaching and had a car wash to raise money for legal fees for the First Nations suing against the Kinder Morgan Pipeline. Yes, there's a lot of irony in doing a carwash to raise money against an oil pipeline, but also we made almost $450 in two and a half hours, so. I also got a hat! It's been passed around a fair bit, so it's been pretty fun to wear. It's very comfortable.

I also had a twitter conversation sort of about how apparently Batlantern is now "toxic and abusive" because Bruce is evil and manipulative and Hal is a gullible baby apparently. Because logic! And someone asked me my opinion on rpf, so that was... fun to write about. And I ordered some socks. And I went to see Hidden Figures again, this time with my mom. And I'm going to have a bath and chill and go to bed.

bluegansey: amy pond holding a book with a yellow background (amy pond yellow)
mental illness bullshit )
bluegansey: close-up of ahsoka tano looking down and to the left (ahsoka tano gray)

 Nothing happened today, which is A Problem because school tomorrow and I need to do things. I was going to bake but my mom didn't go the grocery store until 8 at night and then she forgot my ingredients (since I ALSO asked for salad ingredients and it was just too much I guess) and I just. died

Actually today was kind of scary, mental-health wise. I couldn't do... anything. I was lying on my bed refreshing social media bc the idea of reading made my skin crawl and I was just... doing that. I also can't use headphones for some reason?? It just makes me feel twitchy rn so I'm not listening to anything rn. I was listening to this on repeat earlier though. I still need to watch a movie for school. And I haven't washed my hair in a week. And I'm dying but whatever it's cool it's all fine. Oh and my "sort of callout post" (not the actual callout but a post that's apparently... proof of me being an Evil Pedophile Apologist) is getting more notes and someone sent me a message saying that I support children being molested so that was awful and disgusting. And my dad called me to bitch about how people can't incite violence on college campuses and how "free speech" (however he means that) is more important than making sure bigots can't spread their opinions. And I'm just.... tired. I don't want to go to school tomorrow but also if I don't I'll just lay around doing nothing and my brain will be screaming and I'll be dead.

bluegansey: leia organa holding blaster and looking determined on a red background (leia organa red)

 Well, things happened today. Significant things. Basically I got a "callout" for pointing out that mentally ill people cannot control intrusive thoughts and also that shipping is fine. So I'm now officially a Pedophile Apologist™ and I got my first anon hate. It was pretty basic, just "you're disgusting", but still. I was laughing about it mostly but now I'm kind of... upset... and I feel like I'm gonna break down as soon as I go to bed. So that's fun. I was talking to Rie and Sasha about it a bit but... it helped and then it was over and so it wasn't helping. And I kinda just need to cry, probably, because god, I'm so tired.

Other things, just quickly -- I finished formatting this fic on Sigil and now it's an epub! I'm so glad that non-ao3/ffn fics can now go on my kobo. A bit of effort, sure, but it can still happen. I read over the Bad Thing I wrote last night and it's lowkey terrible but whatever. Janna was here, we went to Costco for food, it was good. And my brother and I are trying to convince my mom that adopting a cat (his friend's cat had kittens) would be in our best interests.

ETA: I also wrote 370 words of a Bad Ship concept. it's bad. i don't care.
bluegansey: allison argent laughing and smiling with a pink background (allison argent pink)

 It's been wayyyy to long since I did an entry, whoops. This school week I was on Galiano! I wasn't super looking forward to it, because it was just about forest restoration and we had to sleep in tents, but. Well. The first day, it was snowing. REALLY HARD. So tents were out (though a couple of people slept in them anyway bc??? idk???) and that was okay. And then the forest restoration part was SUPER INTERESTING. The first day we built the borders of our plots (in groups of 4, I was with Mila, Sinead and Conner), the second day we mapped it and marked down the tree information, and the third day we did some calculations and chose which trees and how many trees to Mark For Death (if the conservancy gets money for it). It was really cool to learn about the health of forests and how forests can recover -- or not -- after being clearcut, and yeah. We also got to pull over a tree and it was AMAZING (even if Sinead and Conner did most of the pulling, which Mila shouted encouragement and I helped guide the course of the tree so it didn't get caught in another tree). I learned SO MUCH IT WAS SO GREAT.

The sleeping was... not so great. The first night was the worst night I'd had in a good long while, because my ground mat was TERRIBLE and NOT INFLATED PROPERLY so it hurt to much to sleep on either side. I ended up mostly sleeping on my stomach and my neck got FUCKED UP. And then the fire died in the night so I could see my breath in the air when I woke up for the final time in the morning. Also I hate sleeping bags to it was mostly unzipped (with my feet tucked in at the bottom) and so I was FREEZING in the morning. And then we had no water :) because it FROZE. The second night was... mildly better, since I told all the people sleeping by the fire (I was sleeping in an Indoor Tent) to add wood if they woke up, so it didn't go out, and I put a bunch of my clothes under the pathetic mattress to make it a little more comfortable. It wasn't great, but it could've been worse. Also Keith was talking about comics and I joined in on the conversation and we Bonded over comics. It was nice. Next week he's bringing Death Of The Family (since I haven't read all of it) and I'm bringing Princess Leia so we can swap and read. It's lit.

Other Galiano things... we're going to Pender next week but just for the day to judge a science fair. Probably walking involved. I'm dead. I talked about musical theatre camp with Mila and Sinead and now Mila might go this year :') and I made the Quote Wall FOUR TIMES! They were:

  • [in reference to the cherry trees in our plot] They're all dead. It's these goddamn Douglas Firs.
  • [after laughing at Sinead falling and then falling on my ass not 30 seconds later] That was karma. I can feel it.
  • [while discussing forests in texas] I thought Texas was just deserts and racism. (Mila added "the Bushes" as well so the quote will be attributed to both of us)
  • Also idk if it's going on the wall but I said it and Sinead wrote it down so... maybe?: Forever is just until the earth is swallowed by the sun.

Also Mila and I bonded more on the ferry rides. She told me she's pan, we bonded over Awkward Parents Re: Sexuality And Other Social Justice Things, we exchanged numbers (FINALLY) (also we were texting today) and yeah. It's cool.

Now onto actually today...

Went to the dentist and idk if they FIXED the problem I've been having for weeks but... hopefully? Maybe. On the way there I had a huge fight with my mom about supplements and how I can't take antidepressants because "people kill themselves when they take them" and yeah. That was fun. Then I had choir rehearsal which was fun but Leichelle wasn't there, meaning I was the only Whistler group soprano and I kept fucking up my part and it was super obvious. And then tonight there was a play at the local HS called The Ash Girl and it was really good, though some girls sitting next to me and my mom were talking for most of it (which is really fuckin disrespectful lol). I got a cupcake though so that was good (and also a creme egg from Staples of all places). And tonight I WROTE THINGS -- 13k so far! It's for a Really Bad Pairing (like.... so bad) and coincidentally enough, that same ship tag updated today for the first time since November. It was a fic, which was nice, but it had a pretty weird kink, which was... less than nice, though I read it anyway and it wasn't too bad. Anyway. I'll work on the fic a little more and go to bed.

bluegansey: clarke griffin turned away on a green background (clarke griffin green)

 I think I really am sick, and that's where I've been for the past two days. I'm exhausted. Like, almost-fell-asleep-at-nine-pm-last-night exhausted. I've gotten a fine amount of sleep, so it's not that. And also I can't... breathe properly and it's getting worse. The doctor said it was probably from campfire smoke but I don't think so since... it's getting worse and I'm not near any smoke. I'm going to go to bed soon, hopefully it helps.

In other news... yesterday my [redacted device which makes me a tiny amount of money per month] broke, which is annoying, but I couldn't have brought it to Galiano anyway so it's not that big of a deal. And I also had a mental breakdown yesterday because my dad's friend made a "triggered" joke and I ended up crying and I still feel super emotional. And I didn't even pack until ten at night and it only took fifteen minutes but there was so much yelling and I just. I can't deal with this.

Anyway. I've download the ASOUE books and I'm going to start them while I'm away. And the Oscars sound great, though I wasn't watching -- the Moonlight thing? ICONIC. Truly beautiful. And I'm just gonna go finish reading some fic and go to bed.

bluegansey: amy pond holding a book with a yellow background (amy pond yellow)
 I really don't know... I spent like three hours at the doctor's today and Let Go of some things and Made Some Progress, and also got subway, and rambled on twitter a lot, and basically nothing else. I'm just. so tired. and apparently the fact that I can't breathe properly probably has to do with potentially breathing in campfire smoke, which... makes sense. and i sang along to Hamilton songs a lot. and i also published a fic (wait i have to publish it here too whoops) and yeah... okay idk i'm just gonna go to bed once I post that fic on here
bluegansey: padme amidala on a blue background (padme amidala blue)

 I've been feeling kind of melancholy all day, and even though I kind of got some things done -- moved my clothes from my old dresser to my new ones, took down a random newspaper article which has been on my wall for at least six or seven years, made jello, and took a huge chunk out of the process of transferring my ao3 bookmarks -- I still kinda feel. Tired. And lonely. And lost. I sorta realized that while I'm on Saturna I don't really feel like myself, because the two things that I feel define me -- fandom and writing -- are completely inaccessible while I'm there, and it's not a good feeling. It mostly feels empty and alone. And my mom was all "just get a new hobby" but??? I don't know what the hell else I'm supposed to do? I've defined myself as a writer for over a decade, and I'm only sixteen. It's a major part of my identity. I can't just "get a new hobby". And fandom literally saved my life and it's at least 50% of the reason that I keep going. I don't know what to do about it.

Other than that... I went out for wings with my parents because they were going to go out for coffee but I also wanted to get out of the house and they took me out for dinner instead. I'm trying to convince my dad to buy me Cards Against Humanity. And then my dad and I were talking about racism and I ended up explaining asexuality to him, so that was fun. And... not much else I think?

bluegansey: isabelle lightwood on a starry blue background (isabelle lightwood blue)

 This school week was... tiring. But actually really nice.

It was only the second week that I've actually been at Saturna all week, since there was the snow week and last week we were at Pender for two days, so I didn't really know what to expect. There was more "school" stuff than I expected, but it was pretty much fine -- and apparently it was an unusual amount, so there'll be less of it later. Leichelle and her younger brother and parents were visiting today; it was nice to see her, and show her around a little. Mila gave a tour of the Hollow and I got to see what the observation ridge looks like in daylight! And apparently there's a rotting deer body still by the pond. Which... yeah. Also! We had a "funeral" for the dead bird at the end of Dorianna's driveway. We put it in a cracker box and put it in a fire. We tried candles but it didn't really... work. There was glitter. We sang "Amazing Grace" but only the first verse because Sinead was the only one who knew the rest. Also on Monday some kids from a school in Victoria came for the day and we got to be leaders, which was fun. I was paired with Quynn and it was good. And I was on food and that went well also!

Besides that.... not much else, that was what I was doing, basically. I should go to bed.

bluegansey: allison argent laughing and smiling with a pink background (allison argent pink)

 I FEEL KINDA GOOD ABOUT LIFE RIGHT NOW. Like I got a thing done that I should have done weeks ago, I talked to someone (Jayna) for like an hour without totally fucking up, I was stressed about the food thing (it's my food week) but it got resolved, and I have a fic ready to publish! I think I'll do it tomorrow; hiatus is meaningless right? Also I... need to publish something, even if it's not my WIP. It feels so good man, so good.

Other than that, I didn't do much today? Watched The Office with my dad and my brother -- finished season 2 and watched the first ep of season 1 -- and then all of the sudden at like ten at night Leichelle showed up at my door and asked if I wanted to go on a walk with her and Cat. It was nice; she said that one of her goals in life was to get me and Cat to talk more/be friends, and we hugged at the end, so that was good, I guess. My mom is in Portland for some reason and I kinda miss her since I won't see her till I get back from school, but... yeah. I also read a fuckton of fic today (and like... the whole conversation with Jayna was sparked bc she read a fic that I recced on my Bad Ships sideblog and loved it and I got to gush over one of my fav fics, it was so nice) and I'm... slowly clearing out my email, even if it's not complete. Jaytim Week: Valentine's Day Edition happened while I was away, so I have... a lot of fics to read. But it's happening.

Also A Thing happened yesterday and I didn't do an entry then so I figured I might as well now: my dad ran into someone I used to be friends with (and now am not bc she lowkey bullied me and I have anxiety attacks upon seeing her) and convinced me to text her bc apparently her life is going to hell in a handbasket and she needs a friend who isn't caught up in all the Neighbourhood Drama. I didn't know there was even drama, but to be fair, I don't really do anything in this neighbourhood (as demonstrated by the fact that L and Cat were walking at first with these two guys who have lived here for three years and I've never met them) and I wouldn't know about anything like that. Anyway, she texted first and I responded and she hasn't gotten back to me yet. I get the Anxiety™ but it's still a little frustrating and sigh. I don't know. I just... should sleep now. Yeah.

bluegansey: clarke griffin turned away on a green background (clarke griffin green)

 I FEEL LIKE I'VE BEEN GONE FOR A MONTH BUT IT'S ONLY BEEN FOUR DAYS. God. I'm just... exhausted and vaguely elated that I made it. Quick recap of all the days I was gone: Tuesday was a normal school day (whatever that means) but since there was a long weekend it was the first day of school. At 6am the next morning we took a ferry to another island, where we walked for an hour to a bible camp and then walked to a "farm" which was actually a circle of hell designed specifically for me. And then today, after a hideous, hellish night of (no) sleep, we did morning activities and then made a fire and ate and then I went home. Basically. Sorta?

We had to cook, dinner and breakfast, which was fine but there was drama of course. There was so much mud everywhere and it was rainy as hell yesterday so that only made it worse -- all my clothes are coated with mud, including my boots, and I am honestly SO GRATEFUL that I have rain pants. Also I Bonded with Mila on the ferry rides there and back. And I was reading some fic that I won't get into bc. Yeah. Anyway, I'm back now, went out to White Spot for dinner with Janna and Didier (still idk how to spell his name) and I had 130 emails when I got home. I still have... a lot to catch up on... but I'm going to bed now.

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bluegansey: wonder woman with a hood over her head holding her lasso (Default)
Nicola

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