bluegansey: allison argent laughing and smiling with a pink background (allison argent pink)

 I ACTUALLY GOT WRITING DONE. ON LIGHTS. IT'S BEEN MONTHS. I FINISHED EDITING CHAPTER FIVE AND TOMORROW I'M SENDING IT TO BETA AND AHHHHHHHHHHH. I'm actually feeling The Star Wars Vibe right now, and I actually want to catch up on Rebels and finish this damn story and WHAT IS THIS. GOD. My body is READY. I mean. I'm still feeling awful mentally (for Discourse Reasons) and tired all the time (for No Reason) but still. This is good. Caring about SW is good.

I also... I dunno, man. My mom got back from Seattle, Zoe came over and we talked about discourse and shipping and sexuality and all kinds of fun stuff, and I made brownie batter and also an undercooked egg/pepper/onions/bacon/cheese thing, and facetimed with my dad, and not much else.

bluegansey: leia organa holding blaster and looking determined on a red background (leia organa red)

 Well, things happened today. Significant things. Basically I got a "callout" for pointing out that mentally ill people cannot control intrusive thoughts and also that shipping is fine. So I'm now officially a Pedophile Apologist™ and I got my first anon hate. It was pretty basic, just "you're disgusting", but still. I was laughing about it mostly but now I'm kind of... upset... and I feel like I'm gonna break down as soon as I go to bed. So that's fun. I was talking to Rie and Sasha about it a bit but... it helped and then it was over and so it wasn't helping. And I kinda just need to cry, probably, because god, I'm so tired.

Other things, just quickly -- I finished formatting this fic on Sigil and now it's an epub! I'm so glad that non-ao3/ffn fics can now go on my kobo. A bit of effort, sure, but it can still happen. I read over the Bad Thing I wrote last night and it's lowkey terrible but whatever. Janna was here, we went to Costco for food, it was good. And my brother and I are trying to convince my mom that adopting a cat (his friend's cat had kittens) would be in our best interests.

ETA: I also wrote 370 words of a Bad Ship concept. it's bad. i don't care.
bluegansey: allison argent laughing and smiling with a pink background (allison argent pink)

 It's been wayyyy to long since I did an entry, whoops. This school week I was on Galiano! I wasn't super looking forward to it, because it was just about forest restoration and we had to sleep in tents, but. Well. The first day, it was snowing. REALLY HARD. So tents were out (though a couple of people slept in them anyway bc??? idk???) and that was okay. And then the forest restoration part was SUPER INTERESTING. The first day we built the borders of our plots (in groups of 4, I was with Mila, Sinead and Conner), the second day we mapped it and marked down the tree information, and the third day we did some calculations and chose which trees and how many trees to Mark For Death (if the conservancy gets money for it). It was really cool to learn about the health of forests and how forests can recover -- or not -- after being clearcut, and yeah. We also got to pull over a tree and it was AMAZING (even if Sinead and Conner did most of the pulling, which Mila shouted encouragement and I helped guide the course of the tree so it didn't get caught in another tree). I learned SO MUCH IT WAS SO GREAT.

The sleeping was... not so great. The first night was the worst night I'd had in a good long while, because my ground mat was TERRIBLE and NOT INFLATED PROPERLY so it hurt to much to sleep on either side. I ended up mostly sleeping on my stomach and my neck got FUCKED UP. And then the fire died in the night so I could see my breath in the air when I woke up for the final time in the morning. Also I hate sleeping bags to it was mostly unzipped (with my feet tucked in at the bottom) and so I was FREEZING in the morning. And then we had no water :) because it FROZE. The second night was... mildly better, since I told all the people sleeping by the fire (I was sleeping in an Indoor Tent) to add wood if they woke up, so it didn't go out, and I put a bunch of my clothes under the pathetic mattress to make it a little more comfortable. It wasn't great, but it could've been worse. Also Keith was talking about comics and I joined in on the conversation and we Bonded over comics. It was nice. Next week he's bringing Death Of The Family (since I haven't read all of it) and I'm bringing Princess Leia so we can swap and read. It's lit.

Other Galiano things... we're going to Pender next week but just for the day to judge a science fair. Probably walking involved. I'm dead. I talked about musical theatre camp with Mila and Sinead and now Mila might go this year :') and I made the Quote Wall FOUR TIMES! They were:

  • [in reference to the cherry trees in our plot] They're all dead. It's these goddamn Douglas Firs.
  • [after laughing at Sinead falling and then falling on my ass not 30 seconds later] That was karma. I can feel it.
  • [while discussing forests in texas] I thought Texas was just deserts and racism. (Mila added "the Bushes" as well so the quote will be attributed to both of us)
  • Also idk if it's going on the wall but I said it and Sinead wrote it down so... maybe?: Forever is just until the earth is swallowed by the sun.

Also Mila and I bonded more on the ferry rides. She told me she's pan, we bonded over Awkward Parents Re: Sexuality And Other Social Justice Things, we exchanged numbers (FINALLY) (also we were texting today) and yeah. It's cool.

Now onto actually today...

Went to the dentist and idk if they FIXED the problem I've been having for weeks but... hopefully? Maybe. On the way there I had a huge fight with my mom about supplements and how I can't take antidepressants because "people kill themselves when they take them" and yeah. That was fun. Then I had choir rehearsal which was fun but Leichelle wasn't there, meaning I was the only Whistler group soprano and I kept fucking up my part and it was super obvious. And then tonight there was a play at the local HS called The Ash Girl and it was really good, though some girls sitting next to me and my mom were talking for most of it (which is really fuckin disrespectful lol). I got a cupcake though so that was good (and also a creme egg from Staples of all places). And tonight I WROTE THINGS -- 13k so far! It's for a Really Bad Pairing (like.... so bad) and coincidentally enough, that same ship tag updated today for the first time since November. It was a fic, which was nice, but it had a pretty weird kink, which was... less than nice, though I read it anyway and it wasn't too bad. Anyway. I'll work on the fic a little more and go to bed.

bluegansey: allison argent laughing and smiling with a pink background (allison argent pink)

 I FEEL KINDA GOOD ABOUT LIFE RIGHT NOW. Like I got a thing done that I should have done weeks ago, I talked to someone (Jayna) for like an hour without totally fucking up, I was stressed about the food thing (it's my food week) but it got resolved, and I have a fic ready to publish! I think I'll do it tomorrow; hiatus is meaningless right? Also I... need to publish something, even if it's not my WIP. It feels so good man, so good.

Other than that, I didn't do much today? Watched The Office with my dad and my brother -- finished season 2 and watched the first ep of season 1 -- and then all of the sudden at like ten at night Leichelle showed up at my door and asked if I wanted to go on a walk with her and Cat. It was nice; she said that one of her goals in life was to get me and Cat to talk more/be friends, and we hugged at the end, so that was good, I guess. My mom is in Portland for some reason and I kinda miss her since I won't see her till I get back from school, but... yeah. I also read a fuckton of fic today (and like... the whole conversation with Jayna was sparked bc she read a fic that I recced on my Bad Ships sideblog and loved it and I got to gush over one of my fav fics, it was so nice) and I'm... slowly clearing out my email, even if it's not complete. Jaytim Week: Valentine's Day Edition happened while I was away, so I have... a lot of fics to read. But it's happening.

Also A Thing happened yesterday and I didn't do an entry then so I figured I might as well now: my dad ran into someone I used to be friends with (and now am not bc she lowkey bullied me and I have anxiety attacks upon seeing her) and convinced me to text her bc apparently her life is going to hell in a handbasket and she needs a friend who isn't caught up in all the Neighbourhood Drama. I didn't know there was even drama, but to be fair, I don't really do anything in this neighbourhood (as demonstrated by the fact that L and Cat were walking at first with these two guys who have lived here for three years and I've never met them) and I wouldn't know about anything like that. Anyway, she texted first and I responded and she hasn't gotten back to me yet. I get the Anxiety™ but it's still a little frustrating and sigh. I don't know. I just... should sleep now. Yeah.

bluegansey: isabelle lightwood on a starry blue background (isabelle lightwood blue)

 One the one hand, I have so much that I still need to do -- like, so much that I'm just Not Doing for no goddamn reason -- but on the other hand, I had a successful choir concert AND choir rehearsal today. So that was good. The concert (i guess performance would be a better word but my mind always goes straight to "concert" when i think about choir performances) was at an elementary school. I was supposed to walk over there but I think I was late (or something idk the timing was "at the end of first block" and i guess i didn't have the right time) so I just got driven straight there. Afterwards Leichelle invited me for lunch at the school but I needed to buy lunch and the school doesn't take debit. I went to the mall, got lunch, and then went to the library to try to finish my massive pile of schoolwork. It didn't work, unsurprisingly, since I only had an hour (I forgot about library computer's restrictions -- I thought I had an hour and a half), but I got a bit done and emailed it to my teacher, and she said it was fine that I wasn't finished the other stuff. Which is nice, I just have to take it to school next week -- which starts Tuesday since it's a long weekend and I go over on Monday. And I'll be missing choir :))) so great. Not great. God I don't even know. Anyway after that I had choir practice and that was fine. We used microphones, it was good.

I also listened to the musical Assassins, since this post came up on my dash and the song linked piqued my interest. I liked it -- I just bought it on iTunes so I can listen again and actually try to understand the plot. It's not escaped my notice that the only two musicals I've ever bought are about American history. I'M CANADIAN AND YET.

Uh, while procrastinating I also read A Lot of fic. Like a lot. I don't know exactly how much but it was a fair amount. And yeah idk I'm just kinda tired. I should go to bed since my parents are Both yelling at me to go to bed. IT'S NOT EVEN MIDNIGHT OH MY GOD.

bluegansey: clara oswald looking at the sky in wonder (clara oswald black)

 I keep missing days. Uh. Depressive episode? I don't even know anymore. It's cool. It's fine.

But today something actually happened! I went to the Women's March in Vancouver with Leichelle. It was really cool, actually, and I got pictures (links to the other posts at the bottom). I've never been to anything like that before and it was really nice. Afterwards Leichelle and I got lunch and ice cream at the mall. I also was reading and idk if it's unproblematic so I can't link it but. It's a good fic. And another fic that I definitely can't link which is about a trope I hate but the idea sounded too interesting to pass up and yeah, I have to admit it was actually pretty good.

My parents' friends Janna and Didier (?) (still don't know how to spell his name because it's French) also ended up coming over -- they both live in the interior and Janna can't drive anymore so she sometimes drives down with him. And they (including my parents) are currently sitting in the living room and yelling at me to go to bed every couple of minutes.. It's... not going to work. It's not. I... also had a bubble bath (I haven't had one in years and idk why not it's so fun) and redid the theme on my Problematic ship blog (and because I don't know when to stop I also made a tags page and changed the icon/mobile theme) and yeah. Okay. I've hardly slept for two days so I should go to bed.


bluegansey: leia organa holding blaster and looking determined on a red background (leia organa red)

 I haven't made a diary entry in... three days? Whoops. Not much of note except anger that was not conducive to writing and then being kicked offline before I could do an entry. I should say that I played minecraft for the first time in... months... like, so many... on the first day I didn't do an entry, and last night I had a really long conversation with my dad that started as a fight and then had talk about me being suicidal and stuff and he told me something he'd never told anyone in the 40-ish years since it happened. Which I definitely 100% can't talk about publicly, but I wanted to make note of when it happened.

Today was good; I went to Zoe's and that was cool. We ended up talking about shipping a lot and also antis and like, fuck antis, man. Today was pretty chill? I also got lots of anons. And reread a couple of fics, read a couple new ones... not much. Really not. And I also got some anons today. And FUCK, I just went on my kobo to check something and my kobo DELETED EVERY SINGLE FUCKING COLLECTION I HAVE. That's fucking great. I now have to go through 35 pages of books and add every fic to one collection, hope to god it doesn't reorganize them, and then figure out what other collections I had before. That's fine. Have I ever mentioned that my kobo is super sensitive and responds to the lightest touch, and also barely fucking works? That's a thing. That's a really convenient thing. Uh, I need to shut up now.

bluegansey: harley quinn with a baseball bat across her shoulders and blowing bubblegum on a brown background (harley quinn brown)

 Well, I got into the school. Not a surprise, it's not even full, but now I still have to decide if I actually want to go. It's... it's a lot. I don't know. I posted about it, and someone replied, but neither thing really helped. My mom was on the phone with the main teacher and that was... that was fine. I just don't know anymore.

I had choir, which was... decent. Not great, I felt kind of awful, but Leichelle was standing behind me and putting little braids in my hair, so I think I'm a winner here. After choir my dad drove her and her brother to the mall so they could wait for a pickup, and that was... fun. And amusing. I dunno. I also read A Fair Amount of fic today -- bad pairings, no one's surprised at this point. Well, I finished this one Superbat one. It was cute. Although I felt like I didn't recognize Bruce as a character, but I think that's because Nolanverse Bruce is not actually him. But I digress.

I also had a really long conversation with my parents which basically went from "so have you decided if you're going to that school yet" to "that thing you're going to will CHANGE YOUR LIFE" to "I know probably way more gay guys than anyone you know" (my dad) "yeah, because they're all flight attendants. all of them" (my mom) (like, really? really? and then my dad was like "yeah there's even one or two I consider my friends. and also I once told one of them that if I were gay he'd be My Guy") Like... why. And this took place after midnight. And I'm so tired. Ah... I also watched some Young Justice -- like, four episodes? 1.08 Downtime to 1.12 Homefront so... five. Huh. My brother watched some of them with me which was Nice.

bluegansey: clara oswald looking at the sky in wonder (clara oswald black)

 Oh, god, I'm so tired I can barely see straight so this will be quick. I was out for like twelve hours today; it was the closing night for panto, and there were two shows. My mom had to be somewhere so she dropped me at a restaurant (within walking distance of the theatre) at eleven and I had lunch/breakfast. It was the first time in my life that I'd been to a sit-down restaurant by myself (fast food all the time, and one time at a Proper Restaurant with a bunch of other kids like two years ago) so I was... nervous, but it went fine. I just barely avoided responding "you too" when the waitress told me to enjoy my food, so that's a win. Although... I didn't really eat very well. I mean, I ate what I ordered, but I got to the point where food was nauseating halfway through eating so I slowed down a lot and it took probably an hour and a half. I was almost late (well, late-ish) getting to the theatre, which was pretty shocking. I, uh, don't know what happened, really -- there were mushrooms in it and I hate mushrooms? Mighta been that.

Panto went fine; a bit more improvising since it was closing night. I tried to put my book down and watch when I could; it was fun, I think. Both times. During the break between shows there was a secret santa gift exchange; I got this basket full of chocolates and no one took it from me so I didn't really do much. And then the crew got gifts -- Starbucks gift cards, a copy of the cast and crew photo, and a signed program. During the final show the crew (me, Lelaine, Alyssa and Morgan) went on stage for a bow and it was kind of a rush but also sad because. It's over. Sigh. I made a post about it too. And the after party was fun, I guess -- I was still in a not-food phase but I ate a bit of cake. And then... snapped my fork in half and sent the cake flying. It was really funny but mostly confusing. My mom ended up talking to the Stage Manager and the Producer (who are also married to each other and both women, which I felt creepy for paying attention to but I've never met married adult sapphics before? it was interesting and also kinda inspiring idk) and that was kinda cool.

I was reading as well -- various pairings, mostly this author, and one other with a Secret Pairing that ended up being mildly disturbing and had a sad ending, which -- WHY. Ugh. Also it didn't acknowledge the existence of lube and I'm annoyed because it's a fanfic cliche but I've only seen it once or twice so it ALWAYS throws me.

Uh... not much else, since I'm exhausted and haven't done much since I got home, but Leichelle is so nice also.

bluegansey: isabelle lightwood on a starry blue background (isabelle lightwood blue) I dunno, man. I had really bad back pain and cramps -- usually it's only the first day, but APPARENTLY I'M HAVING THE FIRST DAY TWICE. In not just that. I came downstairs and then went back upstairs to read with a heating pad and my cat. I also woke up at 6am, couldn't get back to sleep, and ended up just kinda reading for hours. I read... a lot today. Finished rereading this fic and got pretty far into this one -- I'm in a Batlantern phase again. I also reread this one (which is like. one of my favourite humorous fics ever. it's so fucking funny i just find it hysterical every time) and read this one for the first time because someone on tumblr linked it and I was like hey! Batlantern! While I'm in a Batlantern phase! It's a goddamn Christmas miracle!

Anyway. After chilling with my cat for a while (I took pictures!) I had choir so I Did That. It was fun and I was talking to Courtney for a lot of it. She was leaning on me and I was like "NO DON'T I'M IN BACK PAIN" and she showed me TMI (the books) memes that I remember seeing on Facebook in 2012. It was iconic. And then I walked home, painfully bc I forgot earbuds, and got Starbucks and my hands were SO COLD. Also this happened and I'm still mildly freaked out over it. And my brother was being Himself (which is to say, difficult. or, as I said to my mom earlier, "a little bitch") and I facetimed with my dad because I have a phone that can really Do That now. And I went through an entire ao3 ship tag and someone I follow remade and I sent them an ask for their new url (they gave it to me, it was cool) and??? That's pretty much it I think??? okay I'm starving I need to eat something and go to bed and save a bath for tomorrow. OH AND I ALSO WATCHED SWR SO I'M UP TO DATE JUST IN TIME FOR THE NEW EPISODE ON SATURDAY GOD IS GOOD. And I wrote this about my abuse and whoops I didn't mean to get that personal but Hey That's Just Life Buddy. And this happened. OKAY I'M DONE

bluegansey: close-up of ahsoka tano looking down and to the left (ahsoka tano gray)

 Uh, I think I spent literally the whole day in a state of extreme anxiety, so that's.... fun. People kept coming in and out of the kitchen where the computer is, and even before that I spent two hours lying in bed trying to feel like I could potentially get up. And I sort of ended up lying in bed with earbuds in blasting music so I couldn't hear the vacuum, because the sound makes my anxiety skyrocket, so. That was also fun.

Actual party tonight, which I almost didn't go to because. Anxiety. But it was fine, overall, I sort of hung out with Leichelle and we watched The Force Awakens -- some of it, at least, and partially with my dad. And now I'm home and my dad wants the computer, so just quickly -- I sorted out my reading log from this year, and don't quote me on this but I think I read 159 books total? Not... entirely sure if I'm remember correctly, but yeah. I think I'll make an entry about it once I sort it out in a word doc instead of just the excel file. Also I went deep into a Sinful ship tag (well, deep as in "literally the whole thing, it's hardly there, why -- right that's why") and then Someone got me into Jayroman, goddamnit, I wasn't planning on this but whatever. Oh and before that I made three posts about my mental health bc it's Bad atm. Anyway. My dad needs the computer.

bluegansey: allison argent laughing and smiling with a pink background (allison argent pink)

 Pretty good end to 2016, I think.

Panto. Normal day, read a bunch of fic, didn't do much else. Went to a New Year's Eve party, found out that it wasn't, actually, a New Year's Eve party so we were a day early, and went home; cleared out a lot of my fic emails, read a bunch of fic, and worked more on my fic rec page on my sideblog. Answered some things -- two things for an end of year meme, and one thing about writing.

Talked to Leichelle, on tumblr and on the phone, for about half an hour right up until midnight. It was pretty good, we talked about hating our respective brothers for being bigoted and generally shitty. And other things. And the first thing I said in 2017 was "thank god, the hell year is over" because I am SO HAPPY IT IS OVER. Also, it snowed today! A lot! I love snow.

My mom says I should start doing gratitude, so I'm grateful that this hell year is over. Here's to a better 2017.

bluegansey: allison argent laughing and smiling with a pink background (allison argent pink)

 Also a pretty good day, despite being a little stressful! I'm glad.

My parents had a very small Christmas party tonight, and I had panto, so I was away for most of it. The cleaning was stressful, because my mom gets stressed and then angry while cleaning, but it went pretty much smoothly. I helped make this chili dip recipe we always use, and she made jelly meatballs that I don't like because it has chili sauce and I know it's not ketchup but it smells like ketchup so I can't eat it without feeling sick. Panto went pretty well, actually, though it was different -- the person who calls cues, who used to spend the duration of the show at a standing desk next to the fly rail, moved to the front of house, so I had to actually respond over headset when she gave me my cues. It went better than I expected, and didn't end up being super stressful -- the Assistant Stage Manager (ASM) was also on headset for a lot of it, so that took some of the stress out of it. And the show went smoothly, except for the ASM leaving on some backstage lights for a while after intermission and also one of the actors knocking a tree into a wall. And at the end, the director of the show brought the crew onstage to describe our jobs and stuff. Which was surprisingly okay and made me glad I wore my black-and-white cat sweater instead of the black hoodie I've usually been wearing.

By the time I got home, the party was mostly winding down, so I just took some cookies and eggnog (christ, that's most of what I ate today... I am just Not Hungry? I ate like one proper meal total) into the living room and continued reading this Bluepulse fic. It's really good so far, with some great emotional gut-punch moments. I started reading it at the panto, and I'm still reading it. Can't wait to see how it ends. I also read another cute fic just now that I can't link, but it was sweet Christmas fluff and I'm so happy about it. It made me smile so much. Also random side note but two different people asked me what I was reading on my kobo. The first one -- another crew at the panto, Alyssa -- asked what book it was, and I said it wasn't a book and then went oh shit and said that it was for school. And she pointed out that it was winter break and I forced a laugh and said that I'm online schooled. Which is not a lie, just very misleading. And then it was someone at the party, my neighbour, and she didn't ask for specifics, so I just said "A book" and she was all "ah, Nicola the Avid Reader. You've probably read that like three times already, right?" and I forced a laugh again. Ahaha.

And the Carrie Fisher thing. All I can say is that I really, really hope she's okay. 2016, you've already taken so much. Please.

bluegansey: amy pond holding a book with a yellow background (amy pond yellow)

Today was pretty decent? Actually. I finished this Jayroy fic in the morning, and the rest of the day was… pretty chill? I was mostly avoiding everyone while reading a different longfic (can’t link it) and hiding in my room. Which I basically never do. It’s just because I’m still kind of mad about yesterday and… yeah.

Zoe came over as well, and that was fun. Ace discourse can die in a fire, antis are ridiculous, and sexuality is weird and confusing is mostly what we talked about? And Rogue One memes. And how gay Draco Malfoy is… like. Buddy. You’re not subtle. And we talked about the TRC Jedi AU that we talked about months ago, and tonight I found the files and emailed the text to her because it’s actually… pretty interesting. I might actually write it. It would be long, so I have to wait until I’m done Lights, but I think I might. It’s a definite possibility.

Panto tonight. Not flies! Which actually makes it sort of… boring. Uh. I sorta feel like I never know what to do. But I’m sure I’ll figure it out. I spent most of it reading the aforementioned unlinkable fic. It’s really good, actually, and LONG, by fic standards — just over 100k. And it also almost made me cry but shh. It’s good. I’m still waiting for the actual Romance to Happen, and I’m 61% done — page 191 of 309 on my kobo — but there are. Uh. Good reasons for that. And the pining is nice and sweet. And the character development and introspection! Utterly gorgeous and wonderful. One of the best fics, objectively, that I’ve ever read. Ahh I just want to go read more? Yeah.

bluegansey: isabelle lightwood on a starry blue background (isabelle lightwood blue)

 Somehow I'm going to go five days, in my Actual House, without using the computer or my phone. I've loaded up my Kobo with a bunch of fic, and I am Ready. I also won't be on here, obviously, so... yeah.

Choir rehearsal today, and it was only 45 minutes for some reason, which is Good basically. My dad got Costco pizza for dinner, and I made it while he was out (from like four until six) and then it got cold, because I didn't realize how long he would be out. And then a panto rehearsal -- first full costume one, and it went... basically okay? Not bad, but not great either. I missed a few cues, as a result of not actually knowing any cues that I'm supposed to know somehow, but I'm getting a basic idea of it? Also I decided to chew gum beforehand and that was a mistake -- three/four hours of chewing turned it into slowly disintegrating plastic. We didn't have a garbage backstage yet, so in desperation I grabbed a tea bag and wrapped my gum in that and stuck it in my pocket. It sorta exploded all over the inside of my pocket, but at least I wasn't eating the disintegrating plastic anymore.

One of the reasons I'm doing this internet/computer thing now is because I'm going to an island to check out a school on Monday, except it might be Sunday now because I might be taking the ferry with a sort-of friend that happens to be coming from this area (she goes to that school) and staying the night. Which would definitely be An Experience, but I'm still sorta iffy on it... I mean, if I don't, I'll have to get up at 5am on Monday, but maybe that wouldn't be so bad. Who knows. Anyway, I should... log out. Since I'm Done for the rest of the week/five days.

bluegansey: allison argent laughing and smiling with a pink background (allison argent pink)

 This is the fourth day in a row or something where I've been out in the evening or day, and today it was both -- panto rehearsal (at the actual theatre now!) from one to almost five, and Philosopher's Cafe in the evening. I spent most of the panto rehearsal reading -- I finished my reread of this Superbat fic (ahh I still love it so much) and then I browsed my bookmarks to look for SFW fics to read on my phone, because someone leaned over my shoulder and said "good book?" during possibly the only mildly explicit scene in the entire fic. I don't know if they saw the actual story, but like... it was scary. So I managed to get through like six pages of bookmarks, and I came to realize just how many damn explicit fics I read. Like... DC is Something Else, I never expected this. I think the combination of having tons of quality fic and also not feeling sex repulsed for a long while (it's been so long... I don't even remember ever being sex repulsed but like that's just my shitty memory) and yeah. I don't know how I feel about it, who knows.

Philosopher's Cafe was good as well! There was a new person there, named Jason -- he doesn't live at the Point but has a vacation house there and yeah. He was pretty cool, I guess. There wasn't really a set theme for our discussion, so we talked about the weather, skiing, and like... various things? Don't really remember most of it. Zoe was there and we talked for a while after and it was good. And then I came home, basically -- after going to the grocery store and getting wine (my mom), mint m&ms (my mom), whoppers (me since they're not in Canada but I didn't want them atm and haven't had any yet. my brother tried to take some and made the excuse that they were for his gerbils... he should not be allowed to parent) and a blueberry Tillamook yogurt cup (me, because I fucking love tillamook and they don't have it in Canada). Also weird thing: when we were crossing the border, we saw a bunch of border cops standing in the middle of the road in front of the way back to Canada and holding flashlights? Like??? I don't even know why. I'm confused. They were gone later though.

DISCOURSE! Of course. Someone made a condescending essay post (I mentioned it already I think) and I responded to it... because I'm a dumbass... and they didn't care, obviously, and someone else who responded to it replied to an earlier post I made about whether I should fight them or not. And they were really nice about it, and it turns out that the other person has a long history of suicide baiting and being a generally awful person. And yeah, I sorta had a fuckton of anxiety for a while, but this person helped me feel a bit better. Also someone else who I followed already/have talked to before (though they don't know I'm the same person as my sideblogs... ahhh shit I need to tell them but also how) responded as well and I just feel??? Better now??? It's nice. I guess. Anyway it's 2:40 and I am GOING TO BED. And wow, I made a lot tags on this... today was busier than I thought... oh I also watched an episode of The Office with my mom and brother, though my mom left halfway through to pick up my dad. It was the one with a fire and Michael sexually harassing the temp guy. It was okay. Okay I'm legit gonna sleep now my hands are shaking almost too much to type

bluegansey: amy pond holding a book with a yellow background (amy pond yellow)

 God, I am so exhausted... I was out basically all day and now it's just past 2am and... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Chiropractor in the morning, which was... fine, I got a worse headache than last time but it didn't last long, and my mom and I went out for sushi (well, tempura, teriyaki chicken and edamame, but it was at a sushi place) after. And I went straight from there to a choir concert at the school. It's a concert with all the various bands and stuff, and this was technically a rehearsal for our actual concert on Tuesday. It went fine, I guess; my brother was watching, which I didn't know beforehand, but it's not a big deal. And since we ran a bit late (something about bass guitars and cables) the last band to play didn't have any audience, except the choir, since most of us stayed in support.

After THAT, I went to a ballet performance that my neighbour was in. It was about three hours long, with the added factor of having to socialize with someone I haven't seen since I was... eleven-ish. And back then they identified as a girl. It's a sort of weird complicated situation; we were friends, and I knew from the start (literally on the first day of class) that they had been "born a boy but identifies a girl" and now I guess that's just? Not a thing anymore? And it's not like I begrudge him figuring out his identity and stuff, it just makes me feel like I don't know where I stand because I don't know him anymore! I dunno, man. I am honestly trying so hard to figure out if I'm being transphobic here, and I really hope not, because I really don't want to be, but I'm cis so of course I've internalized stuff. And ugh, I'll just move on.

I read a fic. It was marked with such tags as "everybody dies" and "everything hurts" and I read it anyway and now I'm... really fucking sad. Because I just wanted to read another fic in that series with a pairing I love, but now I know how they end up in that verse, and I don't want to ever think about it again because it fucking hurts. A lot. And not even in just the death way, there's additional fucked up elements other than the fact that it ends up over a century after the beginning of the story and literally everyone I care about dies within the story. Except the main character, because he's immortal! And it's the Worst Fucking Thing Ever! And I am just ranting now but I'm sad and upset that I spent like all day reading this fic and now I lowkey want to die because I've been hit with the inevitability of death and pointlessness of life. I read some other fic that mostly cheered me up but STILL. I need to sleep.

bluegansey: padme amidala on a blue background (padme amidala blue)

 Well, I... was tired. Half an hour ago. And then someone messaged me and I was destroyed by anxiety. It was like, three minutes of conversation, and I'm now extremely alert from anxiety. Great! Great. It's fine. Social anxiety is fine.

I was basically out all day -- went to Zoe's for a while, and then went to my aunt's new house (it's SO NICE) and out for dinner at Milestones, and I'd never been before so that was cool, and then back to their old house to pack stuff. I never want to move, packing is so difficult. Other than that... not much? My mom and I went down to the States for gas and came back as well. And I started reading this fic series. It's kinda cute so far. And got really into TimDami somehow. I just... went into the tag... and now I am Suffering.

bluegansey: leia organa holding blaster and looking determined on a red background (leia organa red)
It’s just past midnight and I am exhausted, oh my god. I got up before eight today, because I had a choir concert. Or, well, the remembrance day assembly that we sang at. There were two ceremonies, and we had to stand through most of it, and it was really tiring. And painful, since my shoes were Not built for that. But overall it was pretty much fine, and I talked to Leichelle a bit between the ceremonies and after. She broke up with her boyfriend, I guess I should add? Also she asked me for three dollars so I gave her the last of my change. She asked if I wanted to have lunch with her and her friends, but my mom was there already, so I didn’t.

My mom and I were sort of on the verge of arguing all day (and there was one weird moment) but avoided another fight like yesterday’s, so that was a success, I guess. We went to Triple O’s — I really love their burgers for some reason — and Lee Valley. And then a bit later, after I reread this fic, my parents went out and I had a long shower and had the evening to myself. Mostly good! I didn’t actually spend a lot of time online today, but I cleared out my tumblr drafts a little. So that’s good.
I did a bit of writing! It was about 1k of a new story for [redacted ship]. I’m annoyed that it’s the only ship I’m consistently writing right now, especially since I REALLY need to get back to working on Lights, but I guess it’s still words? And words are good.
bluegansey: leia organa holding blaster and looking determined on a red background (leia organa red)
I… don’t know how to feel. Because on the one hand, words were written. By me. On the other hand, they were words about a Bad Ship. A smut fic for a Bad Ship, actually. And I honestly Do Not Know how to feel right now. I’m a little proud of myself for getting over my mental block and actually writing it — even if the actual sex was only a few paragraphs — but again. Bad Ship. I definitely Cannot post this on my AO3. Maybe on my Bad Ships blog. Or not. Maybe in the light of day I’ll see that it’s actually terrible.

Along with the 1.7k that is That Fic, I wrote just under 500 words of Lights chapter 7. It’s an important scene, and I’m not entirely happy with it, but it’s happening? I guess? I think I’m making some progress on that — forward momentum is good. I’m kind of emotional over Obidala now, too. I love them… so much.

Also Philosopher’s Cafe today! It was at someone’s house and not the church this time, but that was still fine. There was a new guy there, Alex — he’s from the Point and I think he’s a friend of Miles’ — and Leichelle came too! We talked about race as a social or biological construct, and that wasn’t as offensive as it could have been, so that’s a win. And then a lot about US politics. Miles brought it up, when we were trying to avoid the issue, but I think it was probably a good thing, since the election is so soon and this is the last opportunity we have to talk about it. God, I need this goddamn election to be over. Our election season was a year ago, and it lasted seventy days. And that was considered insanely long by our (reasonable, human) standards. I hate America. We also talked about Canadian politics a bit, which was a nice change of pace.

I finally watched Justice League: War. It was pretty good! I ship Batlantern now, I think. Also Halbarry is Good. And Diana was awesome, and so was Clark, and Shazam (I know he has a name I just can’t remember it right now) and Victor Stone. My brother watched it with me, mostly, so that was actually kind of nice. Also I put a new mattress on my bed — I’ve had it for a while, I just hadn’t put it on my bed yet. I’m excited to check it out.


bluegansey: wonder woman with a hood over her head holding her lasso (Default)

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