bluegansey: leia organa holding blaster and looking determined on a red background (leia organa red)

 I need to sleep, but also like... posterity. I saw Hidden Figures today -- so good, so so good, I LOVED it. There was also a Thing where I was driving with my mom and there was a dog on the side of the road that was about to run onto the road -- the owner was approaching it slowly, and it didn't have a leash, and I Realized, and I sort of freaked out. The dog was fine -- the owner got to it and grabbed its collar as we passed them, but it was so terrifying. My mom says I got really pale and my heart didn't stop hammering for like ten minutes and I couldn't stop shaking and I almost cried. Something similar happened to me on Christmas day -- my dog ran into traffic and it was like a fucking miracle of God that she didn't get hit by a car (i'm agnostic but that almost made me believe) and one time a few months ago my mom hit a rabbit while we were driving and it was kinda similar to today's thing -- hesitating by the side of the road and then jumping in at the last second. That's what I was afraid of. And it didn't happen but yeah.

In other news, America is rapidly becoming a dystopia and I am so. Fucking. Terrified and highkey want to die. I ended up writing out my feelings with some original work and that was... something. It was really disturbing actually but if I'm writing I'm not doing it so that's. Good. Anyway I'm Tired and I should probably like. Sleep.

bluegansey: clarke griffin turned away on a green background (clarke griffin green)

So I saw Moana today! It was so good, damn. I LOVED THE SONGS. I need to buy the soundtrack. It was also POURING RAIN all day, and it’s been so long since it’s rained this hard. I kinda missed it. Even when I was standing in the rain waiting for my dad to pick me up at the bus station. My house is like three minutes away from there by car and it took him TWENTY MINUTES and he said it was traffic. There was no traffic in the pouring rain at seven at night. There really was not. We watched more of The Office when we got home. I… hate Michael. A lot. Like, there are some characters who are The Worst in an endearing way, and there are some characters who are The Worst and you never want to hear about their existence ever. Michael is in the second category. (I'm aware that this is probably a really harsh view to have, but when I hate characters... generally speaking, I really hate them. And I don't hate characters very often at all.)

I also read Various Fics that I can’t really link but Oh Well. I mean, there was this Jaytim one which I found by accident but it was so excellent that I’m just really glad. I’m also slowly making my way through another unlinkable fic. Fun times. And tonight I went through some of my old writing and damn. I found this AU concept for one of my original novels that I wrote… I don’t know when because the file is a copy and there’s literally no way it was only a year ago. It’s 8k of boarding school AU stuff. Featuring secret crushes and sexuality crises and a really sweet love confession. And also dying friends but I skipped over that subplot because I wanted to write New Year’s kisses. That story was the first time I’d ever written a love confession, actually, and I remember feeling So Good after I first wrote it. It’s still lovely. I went through some other older writing as well and some of it is Cringe but some of it is Relatively Good. And that’s good.

Not much else really? Yeah. Though I'm thinking I might possibly start locking my diary entries to just me and then only make public entries if it's something that literally anyone else might be interested in... I'm well aware that there's nothing terribly interesting about my life and especially not on a day-to-day basis. So I'm Considering.

bluegansey: clarke griffin turned away on a green background (clarke griffin green)

I really don’t feel like sleep yet but. I sorta have nothing else to do. I want to read some things but I can’t so.

Okay but today was PRODUCTIVE. I edited that essay about anti-shipping that I wrote yesterday and sent it to my mom, who submitted it tonight. I also wrote 1,274 words of an original story with ghosts and a queer love story. It’s kinda sad at the beginning (there’s a ghost who died of suicide and he’s a teenager and it’s all Sad) but it ends happily. And it’s fluffy and gay. Im love it.

I tried, really goddamn tried, to clear up my fics-to-read. I went through my email and added a bunch to read later, took a few off of my read-later, finished one fic that was open in another window (I didn’t… love it… but it was okay) and Stuff. I feel like I’ve achieved so much today. And I washed my hair, too! Miracle of miracles. I’m shook. I also reread a not-linkable soulmate/stripper AU concept that I LOVE and would pay actually money for more of. It’s incomplete *sad face* but hopefully the author will finish it. God, I hope the author finishes it.

Not… much else? My brother had an appointment so he skipped school and I was alone for a lot of the day (also later tonight he had floor hockey and my mom went out for coffee so I was alone then too) and it was Real Nice. I also went on tumblr earlier and back on a few times, which is honestly a much more efficient way of doing this tumblr thing, but it means that I was online at the same time as one of my mutuals who I feel like I need to soft block and unfollow because they’re an anti. And oh god, it was so uncomfortable. I was so Upset, actually and I feel so bad but also like. Pls stop. Antis… stop.

bluegansey: allison argent laughing and smiling with a pink background (allison argent pink)

*throws up peace sign* today was SO GOOD on the writing front, y’all. SO GOOD. It’s been weeks since I’ve written basically anything and this morning I sat down and wrote 1.2k of a new novel idea. It has ghosts and cute queer romance with a happy ending. I’m so happy, y’all. And then — AND THEN — I worked on my school application. Wrote a biography for myself, and THEN I wrote a THREE POINT FOUR K ESSAY ABOUT ANTI-SHIPPING. I’m shook, y’all. I’m shook. And how did I say "y'all" three times in this paragraph? I have no idea.

I just had to write about a learning experience, and THIS HAPPENED. Holy fuck. The glossary section is almost 1k on its own. This essay is a monster. I am shook. Also I keep wanting to swear because I had to keep my language clean for the essay (or, well, no one said I had to but this is a school application so I’m erring on the side of caution) and I just finished writing and and yeah. I'll edit it tomorrow (today) and hopefully my mom will have the address I'm supposed to send it to.

Other things… other things. I watched Justice League vs Teen Titans — a Good Movie, imho. Still love Damian… love him a lot… love him. And I like Kori a little more than I did before, even if I still pretty much hate Dickkori… yeah. Sorry. I just can’t get behind it. Also was it my imagination or was the movie trying to push a romance between Raven and Damian? For the love of god, let them be friends and let Damian date Beast Boy. Seriously. Also I think I officially hate SuperWonder now and I don’t know why I suddenly hate het ships. When did this happen. I don’t even know.

I also made butterscotch pudding from a recipe online and it was good. And helped my mom make meatballs for dinner, and read a very interesting article about the killing of zoo animals in Denmark (the article has some fairly graphic images of dead and dissected animals, btw). And didn’t do much else? Yeah.

bluegansey: amy pond holding a book with a yellow background (amy pond yellow)

*drags hands down face* I’m so tired. Of… everything, basically? That’s my life right now. I did some writing just now, but only about 1k, and just bits and pieces of original work and a random DC fic. I want to edit Lights 4, but I don’t have wifi and I need to use Google Docs. I am so fucking sick of this fucking wifi rule and kind of want to die every time I think about it, but it’s fine, I’m not going to resolve it so I’ll just deal with it. Until I die. Or something.

I didn’t mean to go out today, but well, life never goes the way you want it to. I went with my dad when he went to fix his watch at the Bay and when we were leaving he found out that my brother’s floor hockey game had started already when it was supposed to be later or something and we went straight there. At the very least, the school it was at had wifi — I would have fucking killed someone if it hadn’t. Or not. I’m just suddenly extremely angry and it’s casting a shadow on the whole day. After that we went home and then out, again, this time to drop my dad off to watch some sports game and to go for ice cream to celebrate my brother scoring a goal. And then we went to Save-On (and I got so many gummies, and convinced my mom to buy a small thing of eggnog) and THEN we went to the pet store to get gerbil food on the way home.

I feel like I fought with my mom, but I can’t remember it now. I’m just super mad for no reason and what the fuck, it is 1am, I don’t even know. I’m just going to bed before I break something.

bluegansey: leia organa holding blaster and looking determined on a red background (leia organa red)

I’m going to try to go to bed early and see how that works out for me. Likeliest answer? Not well. I’ll probably not be sleeping for another hour (it’s 12:45 as I write this).

Ugh, I just felt so damn tired all day. I woke up moderately early and despite being exhausted couldn’t get back to sleep, and that was sort of my mood all day. I read some fic, a few things I found yesterday/day before and marked for later for whatever reason. And I watched the first two (well, on Netflix) episodes of Black Mirror — Nosedive and Playtest. They were both really good, I guess, though I wasn’t really expecting the horror element of Playtest. It wasn’t actually that scary — I mean, it was in context, but it didn’t stick with me, so I won’t like… have nightmares. Or whatever. I also did a tiny bit of writing on my novel — 491 words. I’m definitely writer’s blocked right now and it’s so fucking annoying. AT LEAST I’M NOT DOING NANO. ONE SMALL MIRACLE, I AM NOT DOING NANO.

My brother went to see Doctor Strange! I am now committing to not speaking to him for a week. Let’s see how that goes. I don’t even know what else… I just. Kinda. Did nothing. And felt bad about it. And now I have a headache, so that’s just… great. Maybe this is all because I washed my hair after more than a week; it took all my energy, literally all of it.

bluegansey: allison argent laughing and smiling with a pink background (allison argent pink)

So I wrote lots, just… not for Lights, because apparently I can do everything except that right now. 2k of a story for [redacted pairing] and while it didn’t get explicit, it got vaguely close to it, so there were a couple of moments where I stared at the screen for a minute straight before I could manage to type a specific word. Also 534 words of a random scene with two of my OCs — pure crack and fluff, basically a fic of my own story, based off of some prompt I saw somewhere about “imagine person A of your otp doing pushups while person B sits on their back and reads a magazine”. I just couldn’t resist and it was really fun, actually.

I read a fuckton of Batlantern fics today, and it was actually pretty fun? I’m in the middle of this one, and it’s. Uh. It’s not what I expected. Not that I really knew what to expect, considering the lack of tags and inefficient summary, but still. Didn’t expect the murder and prison subplot. Really did not. I also finished rereading Ricochet (from Addicted) and I am Reminded of how much I dislike Lilo, great. Good god, they are terrible for each other and I’m pretty sure Lo is kind of a controlling asshole. Also fuck Connor. And Ryke. Rose is cool, I like Rose.

I got out of the house today, actually — I wanted bread, so I went to the mall after dinner. The bakery was closed, so I got Starbucks and read that fic I linked, and then I got fries from the Greek place and continued the fic, and then I got an Orange Julius (except triple berry flavour, and not the original kind probably because I think the guy fucked up my order) and went home. It was really relaxing, actually. Also before I went, right after dinner, there was a hysterically funny moment that probably won’t translate but I’ll try? So my brother walks to school every day from a public transit station, and he goes through a mall. I was asking if there’s an ATM there, since I wanted cash, and my mom told me it was across from Shopper’s (Drug Mart but we just call it Shopper’s) and that Danny walks by it every day. I asked how he got in, because I didn’t know where the exterior door was. And somehow, my mom didn’t realize I was asking for the exterior door, even though I said it like five times, and kept telling me that the door was just past Shopper’s. And by the time I got it through to her that I was talking about the OUTSIDE DOOR, she was laughing hysterically and I was laughing too and we both ended up crying of laughter and my brother facetimed by dad to tell him about it and it was overall a really good time. I hope I remember it, it was awesome. Also my dog is at my feet right now, under my desk, and I don’t know why? What to heck. ETA: she came upstairs with me and slept on my bed for a while! Didn't stay, but it was really nice.

bluegansey: close-up of ahsoka tano looking down and to the left (ahsoka tano gray)

Oh, god, I’m back into the weird headspace I get into when I read things that make me uncomfortable in specific ways. Happens with books about the afterlife, or books with significant disappointment or secondhand embarassment — and, apparently, longfic series about [redacted ship] involving [redacted trope]. I read so goddamn much fic today -- a really long fic series and a few others -- but I didn’t realize the affect it had on my mood — or, well, the extent of it — until the wifi went down and I couldn’t look for something to chase away the feeling. I have some things saved, but none of them are what I want and I’m frustrated. And upset, and I don’t get why. There’s nothing inherently wrong about the trope and ship (well, there is with the ship, but I can usually deal? I think), but there were some things in the fic that just — no, I can’t deal with this. I tried to read a fluffy genfic — loaded up before the wifi went down — but I hadn’t read it before, and while it doesn’t involve any of the same tropes… the writing style, and a few other elements, were so similar to the fic I was reading earlier that I couldn’t let my guard down. It was weird, I kept expecting the ship to happen and it didn’t but I kept thinking it would and I felt weird. It doesn’t help that one of the fics I read earlier had a really similar concept — involving de-aging — and it had that ship. And a really, really similar element — de-aging from the exact same point to the exact same point — was probably because the author of the one I read first was inspired by that one, but it still really freaked me out somehow. And I’m rambling. I just don’t want to go to bed and deal with this feeling.

Okay, long paragraph there. Working back; I did some writing on the original concept I mentioned yesterday, about 500 words. I finished the Watchmen movie, the last hour and fifteen minutes or so; it’s good, I guess, but a little violent for my taste. Short discussion in the group chat for the Musical Theatre Crew; we planned to go to Mexico over Christmas. Had therapy, and it was mostly good; talked about my life and the panto and stuff. And school, and I don’t want to deal with that ever. I’m kind of just feeling awful and off balance and I feel like I can’t deal with anything in my life at all. I’m just going to see if I maybe have some fic saved that’ll make me feel better? Ugh, I know two fics that I really want to read right now, because they’re pretty short and self-contained and don’t have anything remotely similar to the elements of the fic I read earlier, but I don’t have them saved so I guess I’ll just suffer? Well, I ended up rereading a fluffy almost-crack Jaytim fic and it worked even if I ended up staying on the computer till almost 3am.

bluegansey: isabelle lightwood on a starry blue background (isabelle lightwood blue)
So I wrote about 1.4k of Lights! FINALLY MOVING PROGRESS ON MY LITERAL ONLY WIP. I’m so done with being stuck; I just need this to finish up. I’m moving into the climax right now, and it’s hard to figure out the logistics and the emotional beats; I’ll get it, I just need time. But I’ve progressed! Three whole, if short, scenes from chapter 7. Once I finish the first draft of this damn chapter, I can move back to edit chapter 4 and get it edited and published. I need to get it published, oh god, it’s been almost a month again. Please god. There’s probably only one more major scene in this chapter — I mean, probably, it ended up longer than I thought so who knows — but I think I need a little time before I tackle it, since I planned most of the story around this moment and the entirety of the next chapter, which this moment leads to. I also wrote a tiny bit of my novel — just over 200 words — but that was. Not much. So. Also 563 words of a New Story Idea that stuck in my head all day. Idk if anything’s gonna happen with it, but it exists now, so.

Other things! There was a panto rehearsal today and I stayed until they got through the whole second act and started working on a dance. I would have stayed until the end, but like… I wasn’t doing anything at all, literally. At least up until that point, I’d had a plot to pay attention to, even if it was a little rough. But yeah. Idk. I’m looking forward to actually doing the show, but that’s still a while away yet. I also went to yoga with my mom at the local community centre. It was exhausting and I hate yoga, but it wasn’t… quite as bad as it could have been. Sorta. Idk. I’ll probably be sore tomorrow, and I almost blacked out a couple of times, but. Yeah. It wasn’t terrible.

I felt vaguely weird and unfocused again today, around the time I was trying to go on tumblr — which was annoying as hell, because I just wanted to get it done. I did, but it took a lot of mental energy. Everything internet related felt hard today; I read a lot of fics for [redacted pairing] but couldn’t do much else. I mean, I could barely go on fucking Pinterest until I was down to the seconds of internet time. I also read another fic series; can’t link it, because one of the pairings is Bad (not the same bad pairing as before, but still) but it was good. Three works, about 20k each; pretty nice. I’ll probably add it to my reading log tomorrow? If the series is complete, which it might not be and I can’t check since I read it after the wifi went down. But yeah. ANYWAY.
bluegansey: leia organa holding blaster and looking determined on a red background (leia organa red)

 Well, I don't think I'm sick anymore. Traumatized, yes, because some asshole posted images of animal death and gore on my twitter timeline, and I nearly had a fucking breakdown. I had to watch an episode of B99 with my mom (the s3 one with rosa's engagement party) and read some fluffy Obianidala fic to calm down. And then I read more unlinkable for reasons fic. I can say that it was partially a stripper AU and also in first-person, and I hate both of those things -- actually, I had it marked for later a couple of weeks ago, saw that it was first-person, and noped out -- but it was actually good. It was also a soulmate AU, so there was that element that I love (and it was complex, too! With worldbuilding!!! Holy shit, okay, it was great) and it was overall surprisingly good. I also wrote a fic for my own novel, the first semi-explicit thing I've ever written in my life. I think either the sex rant yesterday was really effective at helping me with my Issues or I'm just too tired and have read too much fic today to be embarrassed. And, I mean, it's probably closer to an M rating -- I have Issues with using certain words if I have to type or say them, and most of those words would make it explicit -- but still. It had choking. Actually, that was the whole point of the entire fic. I'm not even into choking -- I mean, I sometimes like it in fic, but that's it. Anyway, cutting this off for length and moving on.

I also went deep into my drafts to clear them a little and it was kinda freeing but my drafts are still so full and I'm Anxiety. I found this Barriss Offee Betrayal masterpost thing and ended up reading all the meta and some of the fics linked on it. I read Pity (it was so good and so painful) and added Reforging to read later. I've read ANOISTM before, same with The One Where Barriss Is A Model Padawan, I read Kobayashi Maru (so sweet and then Painful if you actually think about it), added The Best-Laid Plans to read later, and I've read the coffeeshop AU. Overall that was really exciting. The other major draft -- the oldest draft that I had that's a reblog and not an original post, actually -- was this story about a princess and a tower. There were also various videos (one of them was The Greatest, the Sia song, and oh god that was painful in a very real way), a post about worldbuilding language in fantasy, and a theoretical Anakin and Rex deaged slave children AU headcanon post. That was... a lot.

Oh! I also made aesthetics for three of my OCs. It was fun to play around in Photoshop again. I might post them; if so I'll link them to here. And... not much else, I guess? I sorta browsed a lot of fic. And just now I also wrote a tiny bit more for Snaibsel week day 2 (halloween) but not enough to note -- less than 100 words, I think. And my mom either forgot to turn off the wifi or left it on because I was so upset earlier. Oh boy, I am Not excited to go to bed and have nothing to distract me from what I saw!!! I fucking love dying.

bluegansey: clarke griffin turned away on a green background (clarke griffin green)
 Wrote 1.7k today! Still working on the Snaibsel week Hunter/Witch fic. I think I’ve nailed down the plot and the end is in sight, but it’s still over 6k and that’s… a lot. It’ll be okay, I think, it’s just… a lot. And I’m so tired from doing that, it was all after 1am because I had to reread this Jaydick fic again -- SO GOOD. And I also read this Jaydick fic because that pairing is Taking Over My Life.

Choir today! It was good. And then Leichelle basically said I need to change the party back to Saturday, even though I changed it from that to Friday because she said it was better, and then like three people said they couldn’t go because of the date change, so. Idk why she needed to change it, but you know. I walked back all the way since my dad was picking up my mom from her transit (she can’t just walk, apparently) and got Starbucks and thought I saw Cat there but it was just someone else with her exact hair.

Also did a lot of pinterest stuff. I made new boards for two OC relationships: one f/f relationship from my epic fantasy novel, and one from my modern fantasy AU. It’s a poly relationship — f/m/m — and I wasn’t 100% sure I would do it, but like. I should! Poly relationships are important and fiction needs more of them. So that’s happening. I’m excited.

And I did a lot of, like, organizing. I went through the pictures (screenshots) on my desktop, filed them appropriately, organized my DC comics screenshot folder into different comic series, edited my “funny stuff” file into older and newer things — with tweet-generator tweets in their own file — and took out the fandom ones to file appropriately. I also changed up the picture I use all the time in Preview — if I’m opening lots of pictures at once and not all at the same time, it takes too long to wait for Preview to open in between each one, so I have a picture that can stay open while I look quickly at pictures. It was some Stucky ficrecs and it’s been that forever, I don’t remember why, but now it’s a DC crack thing about Alfred potentially Gone Girl-ing himself. I support that post. And I don't want to feel like I have to quickly cover it up, like I did with the Stucky post. So that's good. Other organizing: I went through my drafts and reblogged ten or so long posts that have been in there for probably months. I still have a lot — so many, oh my god — but it’s a start. And it wasn’t me, but my mom and dad started to sort the old DVDs that have been in the living room for a while — we took out the DVD holder when we took the desk out of my room. I didn’t get involved because my answer would be ‘keep everything’ and that’s not a useful attitude.


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bluegansey: wonder woman with a hood over her head holding her lasso (Default)
Nicola

July 2017

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