bluegansey: harley quinn with a baseball bat across her shoulders and blowing bubblegum on a brown background (harley quinn brown)

 Well, I got into the school. Not a surprise, it's not even full, but now I still have to decide if I actually want to go. It's... it's a lot. I don't know. I posted about it, and someone replied, but neither thing really helped. My mom was on the phone with the main teacher and that was... that was fine. I just don't know anymore.

I had choir, which was... decent. Not great, I felt kind of awful, but Leichelle was standing behind me and putting little braids in my hair, so I think I'm a winner here. After choir my dad drove her and her brother to the mall so they could wait for a pickup, and that was... fun. And amusing. I dunno. I also read A Fair Amount of fic today -- bad pairings, no one's surprised at this point. Well, I finished this one Superbat one. It was cute. Although I felt like I didn't recognize Bruce as a character, but I think that's because Nolanverse Bruce is not actually him. But I digress.

I also had a really long conversation with my parents which basically went from "so have you decided if you're going to that school yet" to "that thing you're going to will CHANGE YOUR LIFE" to "I know probably way more gay guys than anyone you know" (my dad) "yeah, because they're all flight attendants. all of them" (my mom) (like, really? really? and then my dad was like "yeah there's even one or two I consider my friends. and also I once told one of them that if I were gay he'd be My Guy") Like... why. And this took place after midnight. And I'm so tired. Ah... I also watched some Young Justice -- like, four episodes? 1.08 Downtime to 1.12 Homefront so... five. Huh. My brother watched some of them with me which was Nice.

bluegansey: allison argent laughing and smiling with a pink background (allison argent pink)

*throws up peace sign* today was SO GOOD on the writing front, y’all. SO GOOD. It’s been weeks since I’ve written basically anything and this morning I sat down and wrote 1.2k of a new novel idea. It has ghosts and cute queer romance with a happy ending. I’m so happy, y’all. And then — AND THEN — I worked on my school application. Wrote a biography for myself, and THEN I wrote a THREE POINT FOUR K ESSAY ABOUT ANTI-SHIPPING. I’m shook, y’all. I’m shook. And how did I say "y'all" three times in this paragraph? I have no idea.

I just had to write about a learning experience, and THIS HAPPENED. Holy fuck. The glossary section is almost 1k on its own. This essay is a monster. I am shook. Also I keep wanting to swear because I had to keep my language clean for the essay (or, well, no one said I had to but this is a school application so I’m erring on the side of caution) and I just finished writing and and yeah. I'll edit it tomorrow (today) and hopefully my mom will have the address I'm supposed to send it to.

Other things… other things. I watched Justice League vs Teen Titans — a Good Movie, imho. Still love Damian… love him a lot… love him. And I like Kori a little more than I did before, even if I still pretty much hate Dickkori… yeah. Sorry. I just can’t get behind it. Also was it my imagination or was the movie trying to push a romance between Raven and Damian? For the love of god, let them be friends and let Damian date Beast Boy. Seriously. Also I think I officially hate SuperWonder now and I don’t know why I suddenly hate het ships. When did this happen. I don’t even know.

I also made butterscotch pudding from a recipe online and it was good. And helped my mom make meatballs for dinner, and read a very interesting article about the killing of zoo animals in Denmark (the article has some fairly graphic images of dead and dissected animals, btw). And didn’t do much else? Yeah.

bluegansey: isabelle lightwood on a starry blue background (isabelle lightwood blue)

 Somehow I'm going to go five days, in my Actual House, without using the computer or my phone. I've loaded up my Kobo with a bunch of fic, and I am Ready. I also won't be on here, obviously, so... yeah.

Choir rehearsal today, and it was only 45 minutes for some reason, which is Good basically. My dad got Costco pizza for dinner, and I made it while he was out (from like four until six) and then it got cold, because I didn't realize how long he would be out. And then a panto rehearsal -- first full costume one, and it went... basically okay? Not bad, but not great either. I missed a few cues, as a result of not actually knowing any cues that I'm supposed to know somehow, but I'm getting a basic idea of it? Also I decided to chew gum beforehand and that was a mistake -- three/four hours of chewing turned it into slowly disintegrating plastic. We didn't have a garbage backstage yet, so in desperation I grabbed a tea bag and wrapped my gum in that and stuck it in my pocket. It sorta exploded all over the inside of my pocket, but at least I wasn't eating the disintegrating plastic anymore.

One of the reasons I'm doing this internet/computer thing now is because I'm going to an island to check out a school on Monday, except it might be Sunday now because I might be taking the ferry with a sort-of friend that happens to be coming from this area (she goes to that school) and staying the night. Which would definitely be An Experience, but I'm still sorta iffy on it... I mean, if I don't, I'll have to get up at 5am on Monday, but maybe that wouldn't be so bad. Who knows. Anyway, I should... log out. Since I'm Done for the rest of the week/five days.

bluegansey: close-up of ahsoka tano looking down and to the left (ahsoka tano gray)

Therapy happened today, which was fine basically. I didn’t expect it because I’ve sort of been fucked up, mentally, for the last little while so I didn’t get anything done that I needed done, but it was fine anyway because that’s what therapists are for. I actually talked about being lowkey suicidal for a while, and being tired all the time, and stuff. And also about how I have a hard time planning for my future because I’ve been suicidal for so long that the idea of actually having a future feels like an impossibility. Like, my mom asked if I ever thought about growing up and having a life, and I said something along the lines of “Well, yeah, all the time, but the same way that I think about meeting my favourite fictional characters. As a fantasy that has no chance of ever happening.” And yeah. I dunno. My therapist suggested exercise, so I decided to go to the mall after. Though before that, in the car on the way home, I tried to propose some methods of getting my high school degree or a university degree — either get an adult Dogwood (which is what high school diplomas are called in my province… for some reason…) once I’m eighteen, or wait until I’m nineteen and go to a community college for two years before transferring to a university. And apparently that’s a horrible and offensive idea because I can’t POSSIBLY slack off of school, or plan for a route that would make my life easier. Or something. I don’t know.

I went to the mall for lunch — though it was almost four by the time I ate, so not really — and got Greek at the mall I usually don’t go to, since I was craving gyros and my usual Greek place doesn’t have them except in wraps. Then I went to my usual mall — after getting an orange julius because that’s my Thing, now, apparently — and got an Imperial Death Trooper pop figure for my brother’s Christmas present. And saw a really awesome Batgirl pop figure that I DESPERATELY WANT — not the Batman: The Animated Series one, the Superheroes line one — and almost bought it but Resisted. I also kinda want the Robin one (from the animated series, actually) but I want Batgirl more because LADIES. ALWAYS MY FAV. My Rey pop figure watches over me as I write. Anyway, after that I met my mom at the library and we ended up looking at the Fantasy section and the Sci Fi section. I took out the first two Star Wars trade paperback comics (the Star Wars line; the first two are Skywalker Strikes and Shadow on the Smuggler’s Moon) and looked for Batman ones, but they didn’t have the one I’m currently reading — Batman Year Three — or the next two or so that I need to read. I might go back once I’m further down the list and get them out, since I want to support the industry however I can.

Fic reading note real quick, since my dad wants the computer (at 12:45am? surejan.jpg) — reread some notes on my downloaded fics, because I’m hilarious apparently, and also continued progress on the really long one. Apparently the sex repulsion thing didn’t last? I dunno, though, it might just be that particular style of writing doesn’t bother me. Or something. And I read a Bible fic about Lilith and Eve because biblical femslash is excellent content.

bluegansey: harley quinn with a baseball bat across her shoulders and blowing bubblegum on a brown background (harley quinn brown)

I keep feeling like I have nothing to say anymore in these entries, but eh, it’s whatever. I just want to sleep. I should write, but… I need to edit Lights 4 and I need wifi for that. And I feel kind of awful, mental-health wise, and… I should go to bed. Have a shower or whatever.

Choir rehearsal today, and it was… fine? I guess? My mom couldn’t drive me so I took transit and I thought I would be late, but I wasn’t. I had to walk back as well, so I stopped at the library to take out The Secret History and the mall for dinner and Starbucks. I started rereading this fic as well on the way. And I reread this fic later — just now, actually. And I spent like two hours going through the aesthetic blog for that series and feeling awful for the writer since she lost a ton of writing in that verse. And also for me because I want to read more of that fic, goddamn it. I guess for posterity it’s at six chapters now. And the ending of chapter 6 is wonderful and PAINFUL and I need more like I need air and whoops, cutting this off now.

I got out TSH because for some reason my mind was like ‘okay but Batfam TSH fusion’ and now I want to write that. I still have to figure out everyone’s roles — Tim is Henry, I think, but that’s the only one that’s been consistent, I think Jason is Richard and Damian is Bunny but still subject to change — and figure out how I’d write it without being the same as TSH word-for-word, but yeah. Maybe that can be my next project after Lights. If I ever finish it… I’m kidding, I will finish that story if it kills me, it just might be a while.

I’m also feeling kind of weird about school — earlier tonight my brain was like “hey you should just go back to school you’ll graduate from high school if you do that” and like, yeah, I will, but at what cost? I tweeted about it, probably more flippantly than I should have, but eh. I’ve been suicidal since I was eleven, I can joke about it if it makes me feel better. And then I suddenly remembered that the last time I shared a bed with someone, it was with my mom in Hamilton and she told me that I cuddle in my sleep. And that horrified me to the point where I damn near slept on the floor the next night. I don’t know why I don’t feel comfortable touching people and feel basically sick to my stomach when people hug me, but I feel like I need to figure it out because it’s an Issue and I don’t understand. Well, I have some sense of what it might stem from, but that’s an issue I’m not ever touching with a ten-foot pole.

bluegansey: peggy carter holding captain america's shield on a blue background (peggy carter blue)

 Well, I just attempted a Thing. That was fun. Anyway. I should actually get to bed, or something. I could read all night -- my mom left the wifi on since my brother took the computer for an hour the hour before it was supposed to go off -- but meh. I'll just finish the fic on my Kobo. I have read so many fics today, and well, I'm pretty sure one of them was not a fic -- it was a one-way ticket straight to hell. If anyone ever knew I was reading this, I would have to dramatically throw myself off a bridge. Wow, I'm in a good mood if I'm being that overdramatic. Didn't really realize that... okay, dunno why though. Because again, family would disown me. I can't tell if the stuff I was reading a few months ago (and having crying attacks over guilt over enjoying them) was just as bad and looks better because I'm just remembering it, or if I've just gotten to the point where I give no fucks and I enjoy fic whether or not I'm into it in real life -- which, in this case, I really, strongly am not. It's just fun to read, that's all.

On a different note... I went to Old Navy because I didn't own a single skirt, which is honestly a crime, and now I own two. And another pair of leggings, and two camisoles since my old ones are "trashed" according to my mom, and a Star Wars shirt and a Batman shirt (the last two for sleeping in. they're men's shirts, and I'm annoyed that only the men's section had any fandom shirts). I am realizing slowly that I have almost no patience for shopping -- I want to get what I need and leave, I don't want to spend fifteen minutes waiting for my mom to find different things for me to try on. And I got an Orange Julius drink again, because I want to figure out what the order I got two days ago was, because it sure as hell wasn't a Julius Original. It wasn't a light smoothie, either. I'll have to test again soon to figure it out. Also this is the third day in a row that I've had an triple berry Orange Julius.

Also had a meeting with my teacher -- I forgot, whoops. It was at the usual time, I guess she didn't see my email? I basically did a graduation plan and figured out what classes I might take in the next two years or so. I'm almost definitely not going to graduate on time, and I'm fine with that. It's cool.

anxiety!!!!

Nov. 5th, 2016 11:20 am
bluegansey: clarke griffin turned away on a green background (clarke griffin green)
I… was going to write tonight. I really was. But then I got a massive Anxiety (I was talking to someone on my discourse blog and it was perfectly neutral and all but I was still SUPER anxious) and my stomach is feeling weird from the anxiety, and my mom made me take melatonin already, so I guess I kinda have to go to bed soon. Probably should have a shower, too, I need the relaxation.
 
Idk if I mentioned it, but I set up a blog for my Problematic Ships. Which I won’t link on here because… problematic. Someone who follows me on my discourse blog (and my main, actually) asked me about it since I mentioned it last night, so I linked it and they followed it. Cue more anxiety, since right now it’s… not much. But yeah. Anyway!
 
I had a call with my teacher today, and I ended up finishing one of the final projects for PE/Planning 10 (the Planning one). I researched universities, realized how incredibly impossible it would be for me to get into Oxford, and realized that university looks so damn hard. I don’t know if I can do that. Feels like a lot of pressure. But that… happened. And my mom pulled out the yoga mats and got me to do planks and stretches and I’m annoyed. And I made curry/chicken/celery salad for dinner!
 
Reread this fic, and god, I love it, and I would comment and pour my love into it some more, except the author just lost a lot of writing (I follow them on other social medias) and idk if that would make them feel worse or better. I feel so bad for them, actually — I lost 8k of writing over the summer, and I eventually retrieved it, and it was written in a week, and I can’t even imagine how awful it would feel to lose over 30k. But… yeah. Also spent the whole day getting out-of-order AO3 emails; I guess they fixed that glitch? Yeah. I didn’t publish a fic for Snaibsel week since it’s not finished yet, but I’m planning on working more and finishing out the week later! And I also spent the whole day feeling sad over Lead On by Phillip Phillips because it's upbeat but the lyrics. Oh, god, the lyrics. I'm in so much pain.

 

Sigh. Idk. I’m just going to take a shower now… I spent like ten minutes sorting screenshots that I hadn’t sorted yet to procrastinate, but the melatonin is kicking in and I need sleep. ETA: I also reread another fic that I can't link for Reasons while I was in bed to try and help with my anxiety. It... didn't really work.

bluegansey: clarke griffin turned away on a green background (clarke griffin green)
So my Halloween party is tomorrow and I’m low-key freaking out. There’s not going to be many people, but I have a lot to do tomorrow and it’s stressful and why did I do this. And I don’t have a costume or anything else to wear. It’ll be fine, I’m just annoyed.

No writing done today. I sorta planned to go to bed earlier, but then my mom stayed up until 12:30 with the wifi on (I thought she might forget… she didn’t) and after that I wanted to read fic and drink hot chocolate mix in cold milk. So there’s that. Though with my extra time, I ended up browsing the DC wiki and finding the Young Justice wiki, so now I know more things that I needed to know for Fic Purposes.

Ugh, it feels like nothing happened today. I read this Batfam fic and added bookmarks for a couple of older fics that aren't on AO3 -- I'd never used the external bookmarker tool, so that was interesting. And had a call with my teacher. It was on the phone because she had tech issues, and we looked at my final project (one of them, anyway) for PE/Planning 10. I thought of some degrees I might want to pursue and did some research on them. And I helped my mom clear out a pile of junk that’s been sitting at the top of the stairs for well over a year. And brought my new mattress into my room. It’s airing out right now, but I’ll probably put it on my bed soon.
bluegansey: clara oswald looking at the sky in wonder (clara oswald black)
 So I just wrote almost exactly 1k of another Snaibsel week prompt — Day 4: Dreams. It’s finished, I think — once it’s edited, of course. And it really needs editing. Since my wifi is off, and I was basing about half of it off of a canon scene, I had to just put [dialogue here] in a few spots, or just a wild guess as to what was actually said. But that’s checked off my list, apparently! Two fics basically done, one almost done, one very much planned and started. I still don’t know what I’m doing for free day or magic, and I have to figure out some details about the Halloween day, but I’m feeling optimistic. And also very happy about how my AO3 account stats will look after the week — seven femslash fics, one slash fic, one multi fic. I aspire to always have either more or equal numbers of femslash fics compared to slash or het ones. Also on the writing front: I finally retrieved Reaper Story off of the backup drive and put it on my usb, so I can… work on it. Or just reread what I already wrote since I have no plot to speak of. I love the characters of that story, a lot, but I don’t have a plot for them. It’s sad.

I was supposed to meet with my teacher today, but she couldn’t make it, which actually worked out well since Janna and Dedier (I do not know how to spell his name and I’m not checking on one of my parent’s phones) were here. They drove down from… Kelowna? Or Kamloops. I don’t remember which. I mean, they don’t know each other really, it was just because Janna can’t drive anymore and they were in the same general area. And they were here most of the day, and in the kitchen, which really cut into my fic reading. Not much fic, really, not enough to note — at some point I just sort of sat there like “why are there so few Jaydick fake dating fics and why can’t I find any fics that don’t squick me for this other pairing” and that was pretty much the end of it. Oh, I actually read one that I won't note because Trash Pairing/Trash Trope and also finally read this fic in my read-later. The second one was So Good -- the first one (which I actually read later, right before I started writing) was okay, but not that great.

Anyway, we all had a beef roast and roasted potatoes/sweet potatoes/carrots for dinner before Janna and dude-whose-name-I-can’t-spell left for wherever they’re each staying. And my entire family watched Arrested Development! The last episode of Season 1 and the first episode of Season 2. It’s a good show. And wow, I almost completely forgot, but I also watched Batman: Bad Blood. It was really good, and I loved Kate, oh my god. I really love her relationship with Dick, honestly. I also kinda like her/Dick/Luke as a platonic OT3. And goddamnit, DC, I’m trying really damn hard to not ship Bruce and Dick, but you’re making it really hard. I still don’t quite ship them, not fully, but. There’s some feelings there — that I Did Not Want, but hey, it happens.

bluegansey: close-up of ahsoka tano looking down and to the left (ahsoka tano gray)
(this is from YESTERDAY and i forgot to upload it whOOPS)

So I actually got things done today, wow. I finally did that choir assignment for finding vocal range (only seventeen days late) and found out that I’m apparently an alto, which, I mean. I know I could be an alto, but I can sing really damn high if I’m warmed up and on a good day. Though, I didn’t warm up at all for the assignment, but that’s entirely my fault. I also sent the invitations for my Halloween party and uploaded a new chapter of Lights. And then I wrote 600 words of Lights 7! I’m not happy with it… like, at all… but it’s there, it’s editable, that’s progress.

My dad got home again, and now he’ll be here for ten days or so. It’s fine. Although, cool thing: he got me to come over to my neighbour’s house so I could get honey from beehives. Apparently they’re beekeepers? Which I did not know. It was really cool, I learned about bees and honey and stuff. They gave us some honey as well, and it’s really good. And honeycomb! Which no one has eaten yet, but I’d love to try it.

Also read some fic starting as soon as I got up, basically and I would add them but i have no time. So I yelled at my mom to turn on the wifi from the top of the stairs and just read them in bed. I also finished rereading this and also continued the reread of Ricochet that I started a while ago. And ugh. I… I like the series, overall. I do. But holy fucking hell, how fucking gross do these male characters need to be. Which male characters, you may ask. ALL OF THEM. Ryke, she’s not your fucking girlfriend and even if she was you’d be way out of your lane. Connor, Rose is not a fucking prize to be won and I don’t care how many times they debate and prove their equal intelligence, their relationship is built off of trying to one-up each other and win at all costs. It’s not fucking healthy for either of them. Lo hasn’t been around to do anything, but you know, enabling his addict girlfriend in the past is still gross. Am I probably too angry about this? Yeah. Is it at least 50% because the sex scenes in this series are just not as good as fanfic? Yes. Um, yeah, I’ll just cut myself off here.

Also started watching Watchmen — the Ultimate cut. I’m about an hour and a half in, and it’s good so far. Really close to the book and really good overall. Also I started on tumblr early and went on it again later. It’s a minor thing but I sort of wanted to note it.

bluegansey: clarke griffin turned away on a green background (clarke griffin green)

 Oh god, I have a headache and I'm so tired I can barely see straight and it's not even that late?? And I got a full night's sleep??? Why.

So I had a meeting with my teacher today! We started doing an assignment for PE/Plan 10, and then my power went out. My mom called her from her cell and I finished what I had to do, but the power stayed out for five hours or so. Yeah, I was kinda excited about this "massive storm" thing... that was probably a bad idea. Because also a 15-year-old boy died after being hit by a falling tree. Yeah. Unfortunate.

We all (me, mom, brother) ended up going to Starbucks and then picked up butter chicken for dinner. The power was back on by the time we got home, so it all worked out great. We watched Arrested Development and it was all great. Other than that... I finished rereading Carry On (after a ridiculous amount of time) and whoops, I totally missed the weird biphobic moment at the end the first time/times I read it. It's really unfortunate, because I goddamn love that book and what it represents -- same-gender romance stories in fantasy novels. That don't revolve around character's sexualities. Sigh. I also reread a fair amount of fic, downloaded the album You Haunt Me by Sir Sly (goddamn it's so good! fuck) and caught up on the Great SW Rewatch -- the first two episodes of the Deception arc were up today. I love that arc, honestly. The moment when undercover!Obi-Wan stabs that shark guy's hand and threatens to eat him? Fucking iconic.

bluegansey: allison argent laughing and smiling with a pink background (allison argent pink)

 (written yesterday and only posting now because power outage! fun)

*weak laughter* okay so I somehow wrote 2.5k just now. After midnight. Of Lights. What the fuck. How am I being so productive. It’s insane. Both scenes from a Padmé and Vader plotline, in chapters 6 and 7. Damn, I’m excited. Beta notes are done so I’ll be going over Lights 3 tomorrow and — fingers crossed — maybe posting it. Or the day after. But either way, things are moving! I actually also wrote another thing, but it wasn’t a story, just sort of a reflection on how I’d personally do a Batfam movie. Basically describing the opening sequence. It was kinda fun, kinda embarrassing, but I’m glad I did it.

Other things! Last night I went to bed early because I couldn’t read the fics I wanted to and so what’s the point of staying awake? I had a shower and was in bed before one, which was kinda insane, and asleep pretty quickly. I did wake up at just past 2am, but that’s just how it is, I guess. I woke up for real at just past 8am, after a nightmare about losing my Duolingo streak, and then had the WHOLE MORNING to just read fic. God, my life is just DC fic right now, it’s insane. More than half of the bookmarks on the first bookmarks page on AO3 (about?? fifteen or sixteen) are from today/technically yesterday. The main one I read was this series, which was SO GOOD and has basically taken over my mind and soul. And most of the other fics were Jaytim, I guess I should add -- mostly short ones.

 

Had choir and got personally dragged for not submitting an assignment from two weeks ago, whoops. I mean, not personally, the teacher just read out a list of people needed submissions from. Which is kinda irritating, but you know. Teachers. The rehearsal was fine, except for the fact that in the middle I remembered suddenly that I’d barely eaten and then I almost passed out. I sorta felt sick and weird all day? There was literally nothing I wanted to eat in the house, so. I ended up going to the Greek place at the mall on my way home because I needed food desperately. And my mom made turkey noodle soup for dinner, which I don’t like, so that worked out fine.

Anyway. Kinda good day? Productive, at least.

 

bluegansey: clarke griffin turned away on a green background (clarke griffin green)

 So I'm done with Socials, I think? I had a call with my teacher (GM, not Socials) and figured out what my grade will be. I did one more assignment, as well -- it involved making up bumper stickers, they were terrible, I'm bad at them. But I submitted it! I have one outstanding assignment, but apparently I'm likely to pass the course without it, so. I just have to wait to hear back from my Socials teacher. I also did a PE/Planning assignment that basically involved talking about safety while dog walking (seriously) and that took six minutes or so and was done. It was a video assignment -- or, well, I did it as one -- and I will never rewatch it because I hate watching myself on video. I'm so... fidgety. And I know that -- it's just sorta hard to watch. Because I have to see how other people see it. And wow, I'm rambling: moving on.

On the Great SW Rewatch, I skipped Assassin because I rewatched it relatively recently, watched ARC Troopers and Sphere of Influence, and decided that I will probably skip Evil Plans/Hostage Crisis/Hunt for Ziro because I also rewatched them pretty recently. So I'm technically caught up, finally. I also watched Batman and Son, which was... kinda not what I expected. I didn't check the rating before I watched, and it's PG-13 with a ton of blood, so the first scene -- which is basically a massacre -- was kinda shocking, to say the least. I guess I assumed that it was animated so it couldn't be too bad? But my brother watches Family Guy all the time, I should know better. Anyway, blood and gore aside, it was really good, I think. Until now I'd literally only see Damian in fics and in one brief appearance in Death Of The Family, so it was interesting to actually see him as a character. And damn, it may not be super great right now, but I still love Dick and Damian's friendship... I'm literally dying over it. Also watched some Arrested Development with my mom and my brother -- I guess we're doing that now?

I had some Issues over on tumblr (here and here) so that was... fun. I'm in a really weird mental state right now, I think... I'm not eating enough because that food issue is still happening, I'm massively anxious over small things all the time, I can't handle being around people because everything is triggering my anxiety. It's... fine, I guess, I just. Need time. And to see my therapist.

Small things: I'm returning the Civil War comic and have to order Princess Leia again, probably... I went on TVTropes to look at the Son of Batman page and ended up browsing a lot... I have Philosopher's Cafe tomorrow and Leichelle isn't coming which shouldn't feel as bad as it does, since she only went once, but she said maybe and I kinda hoped. I dunno. I'm looking forward to it but I also kinda want to not see people right now. Especially since I'm in a place where my mental scars around my abuse are opening up again and I... really don't want to be around female authority figures right now. But it's fine. Also, I guess I should add: last night I made a list of things I'm looking forward to, written out on real paper and all, so there's... that. For whatever it's worth. And I went on AO3, read some way older fics marked to read, and I guess deleted some I don't want to read? Yeah. I dunno. A lot of the older fics marked to read were marked because I didn't want to bookmark them for whatever reason. And read a cute Jaytim tattoo AU that was really cute.

bluegansey: amy pond holding a book with a yellow background (amy pond yellow)

Today was actually a really good day for TV watching. I watched the Great SW Rewatch episode up today (Lightsaber Lost), the new episode of Rebels, the first three episodes of The Good Place, and the first episode of B99 S4. The Good Place was really interesting -- it's about a woman who dies and goes to "the good place", except it was a mistake and she's actually a terrible person, so she has to learn to be good. It actually has pretty good representation (though I wish the gay couples, like, talked... in situations where the fact that they're a couple is obvious...) and I really like it so far. It's hilarious and also basically the afterlife that I hope for, even if I don't believe. Brooklyn Nine Nine was great: Ray and Jake are chillin' in Florida and it's boring and hilarious. Jake has blonde streaks in his hair. I'm really excited for the rest of the season. Also I watched it with my brother!

 

rebels spoilers )

I also finally sat down and read Red Hood and the Outlaws Vol 3: Death of the Family. It was really good, and also the first time I've read some characters outside of fanfics -- Damian, mostly, because I did see Tim once for a split second in Birds of Prey but this was my actual intro to his character. The last issue or so (maybe second to last? don't remember) in the collection was so goddamn emotional? Whichever one had Jason going around and talking to different Batfam members and going to his old bedroom and being emotional and stuff. I love emotional pain, honestly, it's so good. On that same note: I also started reading a fic in which Jason-as-Red-Hood shows up in the YJ S1 universe, and it's really damn good so far. It's here.

I actually felt, like, really relaxed today? I think it's because I feel a little bit better about Socials. I honestly just need to get the damn course done and then I'm clear until January or so. Tomorrow. Also: my parents went on a bike ride and I made more pinterest boards for my characters. I really like making boards, it's so fun. I want to make ones for other people's characters too, but like... when would I stop... what if I lost interest in the character... idk. I just don't know if I'd want to keep it going if I did that, but maybe I will. Who knows.

bluegansey: allison argent laughing and smiling with a pink background (allison argent pink)

 So I had a meeting with my teacher today, which was hugely nervewracking because I didn't want to have to talk about how I've been having mental health problems and that's why I'm not doing anything. But it was actually okay, and she helped me finish a Socials assignment! I might actually finish the course!!! I hate the fact that this is so surprising, but hey, at least it's a possibility? Somewhat.

I also made pumpkin muffins, caught up on the Great SW Rewatch, watched a couple of YJ episodes (2.15, 2.16, and half of 2.05) and watched two episodes of The X Files with my mom (and my dad for the second one). And got really into Bluepulse -- it's pure. So pure.

Wow, I keep getting sidetracked and distracted by shiny objects while writing this, so. It's Bi Visibility Day! Or was before midnight. Anyway, I love it because it's nice to have a break from being literally invisible all the time. I also posted selfies for it. Not my best work, I'll freely admit, but I can't really reach the right Level™ for selfies unless I'm wearing red lipstick. And I actually feel kinda okay today? My brother was gone all day for a school sleepover (or something) and I had store-bought roasted chicken for dinner and it was rainy and cloudy and we got curtains for the door so there's not a huge glass window right new to the computer screen. So that's... good.

bluegansey: close-up of ahsoka tano looking down and to the left (ahsoka tano gray)

 I did schoolwork. Barely half of an assignment -- actually, more like a fifth or so. And it required my mom sitting down with me to do it, because I literally couldn't make myself unless she was there, so that was... awful. I literally don't care anymore and just want to be super sarcastic and hope that I don't fail. At this point, failing wouldn't really bother me if it meant I didn't have to deal with it anymore. I feel like I should be worried about how little I care. I'm not. So there's that. Also I really want to drop out of high school, which even I know is an abysmally bad idea, so I'll just think about it and not bring it up because there would be Explosions if my dad heard.

My mom decided to clean the house today, which meant I had to hide in my room for most of the morning (I was up early enough to have a morning, as well! A miracle) because the sound of a vacuum cleaner stresses me out for some reason. I read more than half of Six of Crows, and damn it, I really wanted to finish something today. It's fine, I'll read three issues of Birds of Prey and put it on my timetable -- since I don't have convenient collections, I'm just doing small groups of whatever I read? There are probably more effective ways, but I don't want to throw off my book count by counting every single issue. For the same reason I only count fics if they're over 20k. Anyway, Six of Crows is good so far! I know the ships from tumblr, so I'm constantly irritated at how little Wylan and Jesper are interacting. Let them interact, please. Let me be able to actually ship them as more than a concept. (I'm sort of eh on the other ships -- Kaz/Inej is pretty good, Nina/Matthias has potential, I'm just not esp into them. Tbh.) Also, worldbuilding. This is how you do worldbuilding. It's up there with The Young Elites in Excellent Worldbuilding, and I enjoy it more than I enjoyed TYE.

Other than that... made a casserole, searched the word "fav" on my blog and spent an hour or so browsing, ordered Crooked Kingdom and Empire of Storms from Indigo (I completely forgot about EoS, weirdly, considering I see ToG discourse almost every day and Zoe is rereading the books and QoS came out at this time last year), read some articles on this blog, caught up on the Great SW rewatch (TCW 1.19-1.21, good episodes, Twi'leks tbh), and didn't really do much else?

bluegansey: close-up of ahsoka tano looking down and to the left (ahsoka tano gray)

 I've just sort of accepted that I'm done with Socials, pass or (probable) fail. I emailed my teacher to ask what my current grade is and then cried about the fact that I have finished only two of the five classes I started this year. I just... can't deal right now. So that was stressful, and I just desperately need it all to be over.

I started watching Young Justice, which is a fandom I'm about five years late to but it's a pretty good show. I got about six episodes in? I also looked at the TVTropes page and I don't understand any of the ship names. At all. What the fuck is "Traught"???? How is that even logical??????How do you get that from their names?????? I don't get it. It's probably a reference to something, but I spent at least half an hour thinking about how little sense it makes, so I thought I'd mention it. ANYWAY: So far I ship Robin and Kid Flash, I think Kid Flash is a Confused Bisexual Nerd, I really like Robin and Aqualad and M'gann, I'm not a big fan of Superboy, and I like Artemis but I've only seen one episode with her so I'm holding back my judgement for now. Also Batman and Superman are actually Superboy's dads, it's canon.

I think I read a little more of Carry On? Not sure. It was mostly Young Justice today. Also wrote! Finished chapter 5 of Lights -- well, I might add one more scene, but it's over the minimum wordcount and works on its own, so that's a win. Wrote almost 1k total, so that's also a win! The rest of the words are the beginning of chapter 6, which is sort of a mission chapter and I need to figure that out somehow. Also I need to figure out the schematics of the Ghost and figure out which Imperial complex 6 is set at so I don't describe it as wrongly as I currently am. I'm also trying to figure out exactly how different this AU is. The rebellion formed earlier, and I think Ezra's parents are still alive, and for some reason the Ghosts haven't been very active yet so the Lothal Imperials aren't looking too closely for them. I'll figure it out eventually.

My brother also brought his friends over at 10:30 or so to play poker in the kitchen. Which was stressful. There was muffled rap music near playing near the end, they were talking about Weird Guy Stuff, and the guy I used to have a crush on had a manbun. It was tragic. And I'm finally alone. I... maybe didn't need to be alone today, but I just really miss my mom is all. She'll be back tomorrow, so. I also had a breakdown over food, I guess I should add... I didn't know what to cook and ended up having Fake Greek for dinner -- kebabs, undercooked potatoes which I then fried in the remains of the chicken and lime (we didn't have lemon) juice and olive oil and Greek spices, and terrible pita bread with tzatziki. And I left some for my brother and he didn't have any and didn't clean it up after he said he would and I'm just complaining now and I need sleep.

bluegansey: padme amidala on a blue background (padme amidala blue)

 I finally went back on TVTropes today because what better way to spend time when there's schoolwork to be done, right? I actually opened Firefox and checked my email. Apparently I currently have 80% in my English course, so I could submit it now but I still have a few assignments I could do. And I tried to do a "journal" but there was a question that seemed existential and I sort of freaked out and so went on TVTropes and looked at Rebels and TCW stuff. Also a bit of Sense8.

Getting through Sense8 -- just finished the tenth episode. I really love that show, I think. And god, I ship all the ships so much. Nomi and Amanita are the cutest couple humanly possible, Lito and Hernando are the second cutest, Blueski is just so adorbs, and Kalagang makes me so sad. I also, like, lowkey ship Lito and Will. Also Riley and Kala a bit. And Wolfie and Lito. It's just a show full of seaworthy ships. Other than ships... the scene with Nomi and Lito at the museum, with the flashbacks, is SO SAD.

Also read the first two issues of Lando, got mad about the ace discourse again (today mostly in the vein of "who the fuck do they think they are??? they don't speak for the community, most of the community is accepting of ace people or ignores them") and went for a walk at eleven at night. I said that I would walk the dog and forgot so I was held to that. At least I caught some pokemon. Also moved a new bookcase into my bedroom, which required moving my dresser and putting a bunch of stuff into the crawlspace. I think my room is actually still not emptied of stuff to put in there, so that's going to be a lot of anxiety.

bluegansey: isabelle lightwood on a starry blue background (isabelle lightwood blue)

 So I had a sort-of birthday party today! Not really, since it was only Leichelle, but it was... sort of... a party. My mom got this pro makeup artist who lives in my neighbourhood to show us how to do Good Makeup, and it was really cool! It was very surprising to look into the mirror actually like what I see. I'm not super self-conscious -- I mean, I don't completely hate my face, it's more the rest of my body that bothers me -- but it was still nice to actually like what I saw in the mirror. Posted a selfie, too! Even if it only has half of my face in it. Also had cake, read a bit more of Queen's Gambit -- for some reason I just can't finish it? I was just really busy, I guess. It's all action right now, which means I really need to focus and I didn't have time today.

Also finally met with my teacher for PE/Planning 10 and added some physical activity for earlier in the month. I was a little nervous for the meeting, but it was fine -- I feel a bit better about everything, which I think is the sign of a good meeting. And watched the Hostage Crisis TCW arc -- I just wanted to watch Hunt for Ziro because Twi'lek dancing ladies and the sheer hilarity of the romance (I seriously can't get over it, it's so damn hilarious) and ended up watching the whole arc. Which is... 3.08 Evil Plans (I think that's the name + number), 1.22 Hostage Crisis and 3.09 Hunt for Ziro. It's... it's an okay arc, but a little annoying and kind of disconnected because of the way it was made (out of order). Though Hostage Crisis was nice because Anidala cuteness -- I really can't think of another episode with them being so domestic and cute. Though I don't know the series that well. I think pretty much every other episode with both of them is angst or jealousy or drama-heavy. But the few moments of them being cute and married were nice. I actually also watched the... damn, I can't remember the name, Assassin, maybe? The one where Ahsoka has visions of Aurra Sing assassinating Padmé and stopping it.

bluegansey: allison argent laughing and smiling with a pink background (allison argent pink)

 A... surprisingly okay day, which I didn't expect. My aunt Rachel and cousin Holly came over to give me my birthday present (here) and it was pretty cool -- we talked about Hamilton and politics and stuff. And I started to get into the Hamilton book -- I skimmed the whole thing and plan to read it in detail soon. IT'S SO COOL. And I'll never stop wearing the Hamilton shirt, tbh. I'm wearing it now, it's great, I love it. Also tried to order some Star Wars shirts on Thinkgeek and it... didn't... work... PayPal and credit cards both stopped working and I'm annoyed, especially since everything I wanted to buy was on sale and I don't know how long the sale is. I'll try again tomorrow.

Actually got something done for school, which I really didn't see happening, but hey! I did it. I transferred all my planning assignments into the new course and emailed my teacher with a question and finished my GM course. For some reason I'd been avoiding it, but all I had to do was think of something I'd done this year that I'm proud of doing. I had five others -- writing a short story, writing a lot of a novel and a lot of a fic (Lights), getting through my science class, getting more educated in politics, and going to a Philosopher's Café -- and needed six, so my last one was getting into Hamilton and rediscovering my love of history.

Also writing! I still don't feel like tackling some more complex editing, but I managed to get out 1,900 words, which I feel good about but also, why can't I just finish editing the first chapter. Sigh. I'll do it soon.

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bluegansey: wonder woman with a hood over her head holding her lasso (Default)
Nicola

July 2017

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