bluegansey: padme amidala on a blue background (padme amidala blue)

 I JUST REALLY NEEDED TO VENT AND NEEDED TO MAKE IT PUBLIC. SORRY IN ADVANCE. and i formatted this for tumblr so that's why there's no punctuation, apologies

bluegansey: amy pond holding a book with a yellow background (amy pond yellow)
mental illness bullshit )
bluegansey: clarke griffin turned away on a green background (clarke griffin green)

 I think I really am sick, and that's where I've been for the past two days. I'm exhausted. Like, almost-fell-asleep-at-nine-pm-last-night exhausted. I've gotten a fine amount of sleep, so it's not that. And also I can't... breathe properly and it's getting worse. The doctor said it was probably from campfire smoke but I don't think so since... it's getting worse and I'm not near any smoke. I'm going to go to bed soon, hopefully it helps.

In other news... yesterday my [redacted device which makes me a tiny amount of money per month] broke, which is annoying, but I couldn't have brought it to Galiano anyway so it's not that big of a deal. And I also had a mental breakdown yesterday because my dad's friend made a "triggered" joke and I ended up crying and I still feel super emotional. And I didn't even pack until ten at night and it only took fifteen minutes but there was so much yelling and I just. I can't deal with this.

Anyway. I've download the ASOUE books and I'm going to start them while I'm away. And the Oscars sound great, though I wasn't watching -- the Moonlight thing? ICONIC. Truly beautiful. And I'm just gonna go finish reading some fic and go to bed.

bluegansey: amy pond holding a book with a yellow background (amy pond yellow)
 I really don't know... I spent like three hours at the doctor's today and Let Go of some things and Made Some Progress, and also got subway, and rambled on twitter a lot, and basically nothing else. I'm just. so tired. and apparently the fact that I can't breathe properly probably has to do with potentially breathing in campfire smoke, which... makes sense. and i sang along to Hamilton songs a lot. and i also published a fic (wait i have to publish it here too whoops) and yeah... okay idk i'm just gonna go to bed once I post that fic on here
bluegansey: close-up of ahsoka tano looking down and to the left (ahsoka tano gray)
 Sort of a blurry day. Uh. Not great. I'm reading a longfic that I can't link but it's pretty good... I finished rereading this Jayroy fic... read a few other fics I can't link... and I'm going to reread another fic later tonight. Internet is being kinda glitchy so I'm on my mom's laptop again. I made a ramble-y post about my current School Issues and that's... a thing. I watched like five episodes of The Office with my dad. And my dad put mushrooms in the chili I was making for dinner and since I can't go near mushrooms with feeling like I'm going to throw up, I went to the mall for dinner. I was planning on walking because I didn't want to make my dad upset but my mom made me ask him for a ride and he yelled at me and then offered a ride freely after I explained that I wasn't just being a bitch, I legit couldn't eat it without feeling like I was going to throw up. So that was fine. Idk. Also I'm barely hungry at all at this point and it's mildly worrying.
bluegansey: peggy carter holding captain america's shield on a blue background (peggy carter blue)

 So my stomach suddenly hurts like hell and I need to make this quick. My hands are shaking, I can't focus, it's awful.

I actually wanted to read books today, so I ended up going to the library around seven-ish. I got out some Tamora Pierce books and a trashy YA romance novel I read a few years ago (the Bad Boy Love Interest is named Damen. I know it's trashy. I accept it and hope it's not too heteronormative) and happened to see on a shelf. Before that I was just kinda... drifting... putting books on hold mostly and working on a the school application thing. I think it'll be done tomorrow, but my focus in general is kinda gone, so.

Still not writing down the numbers for tumblr; it's massively anxiety-inducing. I know that soon I have to stop using my queue, but that's a huge and terrifying step; I'm not quite there yet. Sometime. Also I'm reading stuff and can't link it. I can say that I started reading Grayson Vol 2 and it's pretty good. I really think I ship Dick and Midnighter now. Also I don't think I said so but yesterday I made new pinterest boards for two of my OCs -- Celia and Jared -- and a Social Justice board. So that's something.

bluegansey: harley quinn with a baseball bat across her shoulders and blowing bubblegum on a brown background (harley quinn brown)

 I'm not entirely sure about anything today. I feel kinda vaguely tired and unfocused and like I have so much to do but I just... can't. I spent most of the day eating candy because the idea of eating real food made me feel sick (and then when I told my mom she told me it was all in my head. thanks mom) and two whole apples and like half a pomegranate -- I'm still working on it. I read some fic; an unlinkable one, and this amazing Young Justice fic. Seriously, it was so great. And... yeah. Not much else? I started reading another fic and then completely noped out when it used butter as lube (for the LOVE of GOD) and downloaded a bunch onto my kobo so I can read them later.

Okay, major thing: I RAN OUT OF SONGS ON SHUFFLE. For a lot of reasons, this happens... so rarely. It's been over a year, I think -- I think it was November of 2015 last time I shuffled my main playlist. And I usually listen to music by getting to a song, and adding a bunch of songs to play next that are visible from where that song is (idk how to explain it) but now I'm just. Shuffling. And letting it play. It's freeing, almost. And the first song that played this time was American by Lana Del Rey, for reference.

I also made the really difficult decision of stopping something that I've been doing for over a year -- writing down the numbers for tumblr. At the beginning of each day, I write out the number of posts (well, in the hundreds, not the thousands, unless I hit a new thousand) so I can tell how much I posted each day. And the number of posts in my queue, although at this point I only use a queue on one of my blogs. And I realize that I need to not do it anymore, because it's not a good or healthy routine. For several reasons. And christ, the anxiety is hitting me, but... I'll live. I think. I'll be okay.

I did some other things as well -- three different tagging games. And this happened. And... this, which was less than fun. And I had a bath. And I wanted to watch a movie -- Justice League vs Teen Titans, which I haven't seen -- but I couldn't. And idk man. I'm just gonna go to bed.

bluegansey: clara oswald looking at the sky in wonder (clara oswald black)

 Oh, god, I'm so tired I can barely see straight so this will be quick. I was out for like twelve hours today; it was the closing night for panto, and there were two shows. My mom had to be somewhere so she dropped me at a restaurant (within walking distance of the theatre) at eleven and I had lunch/breakfast. It was the first time in my life that I'd been to a sit-down restaurant by myself (fast food all the time, and one time at a Proper Restaurant with a bunch of other kids like two years ago) so I was... nervous, but it went fine. I just barely avoided responding "you too" when the waitress told me to enjoy my food, so that's a win. Although... I didn't really eat very well. I mean, I ate what I ordered, but I got to the point where food was nauseating halfway through eating so I slowed down a lot and it took probably an hour and a half. I was almost late (well, late-ish) getting to the theatre, which was pretty shocking. I, uh, don't know what happened, really -- there were mushrooms in it and I hate mushrooms? Mighta been that.

Panto went fine; a bit more improvising since it was closing night. I tried to put my book down and watch when I could; it was fun, I think. Both times. During the break between shows there was a secret santa gift exchange; I got this basket full of chocolates and no one took it from me so I didn't really do much. And then the crew got gifts -- Starbucks gift cards, a copy of the cast and crew photo, and a signed program. During the final show the crew (me, Lelaine, Alyssa and Morgan) went on stage for a bow and it was kind of a rush but also sad because. It's over. Sigh. I made a post about it too. And the after party was fun, I guess -- I was still in a not-food phase but I ate a bit of cake. And then... snapped my fork in half and sent the cake flying. It was really funny but mostly confusing. My mom ended up talking to the Stage Manager and the Producer (who are also married to each other and both women, which I felt creepy for paying attention to but I've never met married adult sapphics before? it was interesting and also kinda inspiring idk) and that was kinda cool.

I was reading as well -- various pairings, mostly this author, and one other with a Secret Pairing that ended up being mildly disturbing and had a sad ending, which -- WHY. Ugh. Also it didn't acknowledge the existence of lube and I'm annoyed because it's a fanfic cliche but I've only seen it once or twice so it ALWAYS throws me.

Uh... not much else, since I'm exhausted and haven't done much since I got home, but Leichelle is so nice also.

bluegansey: isabelle lightwood on a starry blue background (isabelle lightwood blue) I dunno, man. I had really bad back pain and cramps -- usually it's only the first day, but APPARENTLY I'M HAVING THE FIRST DAY TWICE. In not just that. I came downstairs and then went back upstairs to read with a heating pad and my cat. I also woke up at 6am, couldn't get back to sleep, and ended up just kinda reading for hours. I read... a lot today. Finished rereading this fic and got pretty far into this one -- I'm in a Batlantern phase again. I also reread this one (which is like. one of my favourite humorous fics ever. it's so fucking funny i just find it hysterical every time) and read this one for the first time because someone on tumblr linked it and I was like hey! Batlantern! While I'm in a Batlantern phase! It's a goddamn Christmas miracle!

Anyway. After chilling with my cat for a while (I took pictures!) I had choir so I Did That. It was fun and I was talking to Courtney for a lot of it. She was leaning on me and I was like "NO DON'T I'M IN BACK PAIN" and she showed me TMI (the books) memes that I remember seeing on Facebook in 2012. It was iconic. And then I walked home, painfully bc I forgot earbuds, and got Starbucks and my hands were SO COLD. Also this happened and I'm still mildly freaked out over it. And my brother was being Himself (which is to say, difficult. or, as I said to my mom earlier, "a little bitch") and I facetimed with my dad because I have a phone that can really Do That now. And I went through an entire ao3 ship tag and someone I follow remade and I sent them an ask for their new url (they gave it to me, it was cool) and??? That's pretty much it I think??? okay I'm starving I need to eat something and go to bed and save a bath for tomorrow. OH AND I ALSO WATCHED SWR SO I'M UP TO DATE JUST IN TIME FOR THE NEW EPISODE ON SATURDAY GOD IS GOOD. And I wrote this about my abuse and whoops I didn't mean to get that personal but Hey That's Just Life Buddy. And this happened. OKAY I'M DONE

bluegansey: close-up of ahsoka tano looking down and to the left (ahsoka tano gray)

 I, uh, don't really know? I had a weird day and now my cramps are literally killing me so. Time to try that sleep thingy.

I read a fair amount of fic -- I'm going deeper into my "read later" list than I usually do, since I can be on my phone with fewer limitations and it's easier to read shorter fic. It's kinda nice, but also I have very specific things I want to read right now and I can't FIND most of them in my readlater. It's frustrating. But that happened.

Hm... what else... my Kanan and Princess Leia comics arrived! I should reread them soon. REBELS MIDSEASON TRAILER. Fucking. OBI-WAN. I'M DYING. I literally shrieked when he showed up and I am SO READY. Even if I still have one episode of Rebels I haven't seen... ha.  And I baked brownies. Anyway. I probably did more, but again: cramps. I need to go to bed even if I cry my eyes out from pain or whatever.

bluegansey: allison argent laughing and smiling with a pink background (allison argent pink)

 Also a pretty good day, despite being a little stressful! I'm glad.

My parents had a very small Christmas party tonight, and I had panto, so I was away for most of it. The cleaning was stressful, because my mom gets stressed and then angry while cleaning, but it went pretty much smoothly. I helped make this chili dip recipe we always use, and she made jelly meatballs that I don't like because it has chili sauce and I know it's not ketchup but it smells like ketchup so I can't eat it without feeling sick. Panto went pretty well, actually, though it was different -- the person who calls cues, who used to spend the duration of the show at a standing desk next to the fly rail, moved to the front of house, so I had to actually respond over headset when she gave me my cues. It went better than I expected, and didn't end up being super stressful -- the Assistant Stage Manager (ASM) was also on headset for a lot of it, so that took some of the stress out of it. And the show went smoothly, except for the ASM leaving on some backstage lights for a while after intermission and also one of the actors knocking a tree into a wall. And at the end, the director of the show brought the crew onstage to describe our jobs and stuff. Which was surprisingly okay and made me glad I wore my black-and-white cat sweater instead of the black hoodie I've usually been wearing.

By the time I got home, the party was mostly winding down, so I just took some cookies and eggnog (christ, that's most of what I ate today... I am just Not Hungry? I ate like one proper meal total) into the living room and continued reading this Bluepulse fic. It's really good so far, with some great emotional gut-punch moments. I started reading it at the panto, and I'm still reading it. Can't wait to see how it ends. I also read another cute fic just now that I can't link, but it was sweet Christmas fluff and I'm so happy about it. It made me smile so much. Also random side note but two different people asked me what I was reading on my kobo. The first one -- another crew at the panto, Alyssa -- asked what book it was, and I said it wasn't a book and then went oh shit and said that it was for school. And she pointed out that it was winter break and I forced a laugh and said that I'm online schooled. Which is not a lie, just very misleading. And then it was someone at the party, my neighbour, and she didn't ask for specifics, so I just said "A book" and she was all "ah, Nicola the Avid Reader. You've probably read that like three times already, right?" and I forced a laugh again. Ahaha.

And the Carrie Fisher thing. All I can say is that I really, really hope she's okay. 2016, you've already taken so much. Please.

bluegansey: clarke griffin turned away on a green background (clarke griffin green)

I don’t even know.

I woke up sick this morning — not unexpected, considering how I felt yesterday — and actually wasn’t too worried, since hey, I’m done with flies until the 21st and don't really need to come in! But no, apparently the regular person was back for the matinee and not the evening show, so I went in sick. I did get some time to relax, but really… not enough. It went fine — I basically get it now, which is kinda unbelievable since I started less than a week ago — so not much to say there? The audience was really interactive, though, and I think with more teens than usual — though I have no way of knowing for sure, I guess. Anyway. After that, my mom picked me up and we (with my brother) went White Spot for later-dinner at 10:30pm.

My brother told me, earlier, to go to Cinemasins because they did a video about the Clone Wars movie. I actually agreed with… some of the points… since the movie isn’t the strongest. But some of the sins really Rustled My Jimmies — I mean, calling Ahsoka more annoying than Jar Jar? I actually can’t find a way to see that statement as not sexist. And a few other things that are really obvious with context, or even just thinking on it a little bit. I… probably should watch less Cinemasins, it bothers me. I watched the video for Gone Girl after that (couldn’t remember if I’d seen it… still don’t) and then I watched the Cinemawins video for Suicide Squad and cheered up a little.

Not… much else? Handful of fics, unlinkable, a few Rogue One fics that I can’t link since I’m offline, a couple of longer Superbat fics since I wanted to have something to read at the panto on my phone (since the fic I’m reading on my kobo is a little… odd… and I really wouldn’t want someone reading it over my shoulder) and now I really need to sleep. Also I spilled honey on the keyboard and now the space bar is half-stuck, and I am Annoyed.

bluegansey: clara oswald looking at the sky in wonder (clara oswald black)

So panto wasn't as bad as it could have been. I was in hysterics (i mean, kinda? Just terrified mostly) all day and sort of just started crying at one point because I was so scared -- and I basically never cry because I'm too emotionally numb, so that's definitely something. And it went... mostly okay. I missed one cue, the greenery in the first forest scene (it comes in after the opening and then doesn't move for the rest of the show) so I just slowly lowered it in during the scene and it was fine. I was a little slow on the reds a couple times as well, but I think I'm getting the hang of doing them faster. One particularly great moment was during a series of very fast cues (reds down, a few other things, reds back up basically) my cable -- that connects my headset -- got caught on something, and since I needed it so I could get to the reds, I was frantically trying to figure out what the fuck it was caught on -- and it was caught on an actor's PROP SWORD THAT WAS HANGING OFF HIS HIP. IT WAS HILARIOUS. I didn't miss my cue, though, so that probably contributed to how funny it was.

I didn't do much else? I got back on tumblr, with a lot of drafts -- I'll continue clearing them tomorrow -- and it was very nice. Everyone was talking about Rogue One, so I snapped and got a ticket for tomorrow in the early afternoon. I can just... see it again with my brother. I just want to see Darth Vader on a big screen for the first time in my life, come on universe you can give me that. And I'm really sort of sick but I know it's because of overindulging on sugar. I can't really breathe properly and my throat hurts like I have a serious cough, but I don't. On that note: supposed to be choir today, but it was cancelled. Lucky, because I could not sing a note today. Also! I have an idea for a soulmate AU that I've wanted to do for a while, and I'm gonna start it soon. I looked through this tag for ideas, and finally settled on "matching symbols" though I may change it. I just want a morally complicated soulmate AU. And I went through a ship tag and found a cute fic and now I'm looking through the author's bookmarks of that ship (it's an Unnamed Ship and also the same ship that I'm writing the soulmate AU for) and I'm surprisingly cheerful, overall? Somehow.


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