GOOD THINGS TODAY:
- Star Wars Cards Against Humanity (with darthvcder on tumblr) which was SUPER FUN
- Saw Lego Batman Movie again!!!!
- Read a couple of good fics (Jaytim, Jaydick, another that I won't link bc it wasn't... good (well it was but it almost gave me a panic attack so... no))
- Posted a new chapter of Lights! Which I forgot to crosspost here. Shit. I'll do that.
- My brother told me that he deleted most of the pictures I took in Japan off his phone. Because I didn't ask for them, apparently.
- I found out that a writer I'd liked actually has some really shitty opinions (including, but not limited to: feminism is pointless, gay marriage is useless & gay people are sinners ("but I still respect them" okay susan), abortion is murder, Trump isn't that bad, Irish slavery was real, trans people don't exist, birth control is morally wrong, Muslims are terrorists, shipping slash is just "insane fangirls who think everything is gay", making characters not straight is DISRESPECTFUL TO THEIR STRAIGHT HISTORY, and more! It... really fucking hurt, because I kinda thought I could trust them, y'know? I just... I didn't expect it.
- I wanted to go out for wings since I'm not going to be home on another Wednesday night until summer, but nah.
So I started seeing a new therapist today? It was... okay. I don't know. It's a little weird because she talks really soft and is really comforting and it kinda sets me on edge but I really don't know how to say that. Also, hypnotherapy. About The Discourse™. And I got Dairy Queen after.
Other than that... not much else? Got beta notes back for Lights 5, and it should be ready to post tomorrow, which is... relieving and also I feel anxious but. Relief. I'll hold onto that. I also watched Black Mirror -- finished White Bear (which. Damn) and watched Men Against Fire (which. Nice). I think I really like Black Mirror. And School Group Chat Things; that was fun. I made this because. It's us.
And I called Keith an edgelord and it's his name now. And I'm EXHAUSTED, I'm going to bed.
I ACTUALLY GOT WRITING DONE. ON LIGHTS. IT'S BEEN MONTHS. I FINISHED EDITING CHAPTER FIVE AND TOMORROW I'M SENDING IT TO BETA AND AHHHHHHHHHHH. I'm actually feeling The Star Wars Vibe right now, and I actually want to catch up on Rebels and finish this damn story and WHAT IS THIS. GOD. My body is READY. I mean. I'm still feeling awful mentally (for Discourse Reasons) and tired all the time (for No Reason) but still. This is good. Caring about SW is good.
I also... I dunno, man. My mom got back from Seattle, Zoe came over and we talked about discourse and shipping and sexuality and all kinds of fun stuff, and I made brownie batter and also an undercooked egg/pepper/onions/bacon/cheese thing, and facetimed with my dad, and not much else.
Nothing happened today, which is A Problem because school tomorrow and I need to do things. I was going to bake but my mom didn't go the grocery store until 8 at night and then she forgot my ingredients (since I ALSO asked for salad ingredients and it was just too much I guess) and I just. died
Actually today was kind of scary, mental-health wise. I couldn't do... anything. I was lying on my bed refreshing social media bc the idea of reading made my skin crawl and I was just... doing that. I also can't use headphones for some reason?? It just makes me feel twitchy rn so I'm not listening to anything rn. I was listening to this on repeat earlier though. I still need to watch a movie for school. And I haven't washed my hair in a week. And I'm dying but whatever it's cool it's all fine. Oh and my "sort of callout post" (not the actual callout but a post that's apparently... proof of me being an Evil Pedophile Apologist) is getting more notes and someone sent me a message saying that I support children being molested so that was awful and disgusting. And my dad called me to bitch about how people can't incite violence on college campuses and how "free speech" (however he means that) is more important than making sure bigots can't spread their opinions. And I'm just.... tired. I don't want to go to school tomorrow but also if I don't I'll just lay around doing nothing and my brain will be screaming and I'll be dead.
Well, things happened today. Significant things. Basically I got a "callout" for pointing out that mentally ill people cannot control intrusive thoughts and also that shipping is fine. So I'm now officially a Pedophile Apologist™ and I got my first anon hate. It was pretty basic, just "you're disgusting", but still. I was laughing about it mostly but now I'm kind of... upset... and I feel like I'm gonna break down as soon as I go to bed. So that's fun. I was talking to Rie and Sasha about it a bit but... it helped and then it was over and so it wasn't helping. And I kinda just need to cry, probably, because god, I'm so tired.
Other things, just quickly -- I finished formatting this fic on Sigil and now it's an epub! I'm so glad that non-ao3/ffn fics can now go on my kobo. A bit of effort, sure, but it can still happen. I read over the Bad Thing I wrote last night and it's lowkey terrible but whatever. Janna was here, we went to Costco for food, it was good. And my brother and I are trying to convince my mom that adopting a cat (his friend's cat had kittens) would be in our best interests.ETA: I also wrote 370 words of a Bad Ship concept. it's bad. i don't care.
I think I really am sick, and that's where I've been for the past two days. I'm exhausted. Like, almost-fell-asleep-at-nine-pm-last-night exhausted. I've gotten a fine amount of sleep, so it's not that. And also I can't... breathe properly and it's getting worse. The doctor said it was probably from campfire smoke but I don't think so since... it's getting worse and I'm not near any smoke. I'm going to go to bed soon, hopefully it helps.
In other news... yesterday my [redacted device which makes me a tiny amount of money per month] broke, which is annoying, but I couldn't have brought it to Galiano anyway so it's not that big of a deal. And I also had a mental breakdown yesterday because my dad's friend made a "triggered" joke and I ended up crying and I still feel super emotional. And I didn't even pack until ten at night and it only took fifteen minutes but there was so much yelling and I just. I can't deal with this.
Anyway. I've download the ASOUE books and I'm going to start them while I'm away. And the Oscars sound great, though I wasn't watching -- the Moonlight thing? ICONIC. Truly beautiful. And I'm just gonna go finish reading some fic and go to bed.
I've been feeling kind of melancholy all day, and even though I kind of got some things done -- moved my clothes from my old dresser to my new ones, took down a random newspaper article which has been on my wall for at least six or seven years, made jello, and took a huge chunk out of the process of transferring my ao3 bookmarks -- I still kinda feel. Tired. And lonely. And lost. I sorta realized that while I'm on Saturna I don't really feel like myself, because the two things that I feel define me -- fandom and writing -- are completely inaccessible while I'm there, and it's not a good feeling. It mostly feels empty and alone. And my mom was all "just get a new hobby" but??? I don't know what the hell else I'm supposed to do? I've defined myself as a writer for over a decade, and I'm only sixteen. It's a major part of my identity. I can't just "get a new hobby". And fandom literally saved my life and it's at least 50% of the reason that I keep going. I don't know what to do about it.
Other than that... I went out for wings with my parents because they were going to go out for coffee but I also wanted to get out of the house and they took me out for dinner instead. I'm trying to convince my dad to buy me Cards Against Humanity. And then my dad and I were talking about racism and I ended up explaining asexuality to him, so that was fun. And... not much else I think?
I FEEL KINDA GOOD ABOUT LIFE RIGHT NOW. Like I got a thing done that I should have done weeks ago, I talked to someone (Jayna) for like an hour without totally fucking up, I was stressed about the food thing (it's my food week) but it got resolved, and I have a fic ready to publish! I think I'll do it tomorrow; hiatus is meaningless right? Also I... need to publish something, even if it's not my WIP. It feels so good man, so good.
Other than that, I didn't do much today? Watched The Office with my dad and my brother -- finished season 2 and watched the first ep of season 1 -- and then all of the sudden at like ten at night Leichelle showed up at my door and asked if I wanted to go on a walk with her and Cat. It was nice; she said that one of her goals in life was to get me and Cat to talk more/be friends, and we hugged at the end, so that was good, I guess. My mom is in Portland for some reason and I kinda miss her since I won't see her till I get back from school, but... yeah. I also read a fuckton of fic today (and like... the whole conversation with Jayna was sparked bc she read a fic that I recced on my Bad Ships sideblog and loved it and I got to gush over one of my fav fics, it was so nice) and I'm... slowly clearing out my email, even if it's not complete. Jaytim Week: Valentine's Day Edition happened while I was away, so I have... a lot of fics to read. But it's happening.
Also A Thing happened yesterday and I didn't do an entry then so I figured I might as well now: my dad ran into someone I used to be friends with (and now am not bc she lowkey bullied me and I have anxiety attacks upon seeing her) and convinced me to text her bc apparently her life is going to hell in a handbasket and she needs a friend who isn't caught up in all the Neighbourhood Drama. I didn't know there was even drama, but to be fair, I don't really do anything in this neighbourhood (as demonstrated by the fact that L and Cat were walking at first with these two guys who have lived here for three years and I've never met them) and I wouldn't know about anything like that. Anyway, she texted first and I responded and she hasn't gotten back to me yet. I get the Anxiety™ but it's still a little frustrating and sigh. I don't know. I just... should sleep now. Yeah.
I'm so SICK of whining about my life but like. My brain hates me I think.
Since it's Family Day tomorrow (today actually) it's a holiday Monday, so I'm going to school on Monday night and coming back on Thursday. We're also going to Pender during the week and I have to buy some food for that. And also I have to pack a sleeping bag, so that's... nice. I have a better backpack, though -- an actual outdoorsy one that won't kill my back hopefully. On the subject of school, I also did the notes for my essay and started it, but it's... slow going because I honestly don't know what I'm supposed to write about. I'll figure it out. Or not.
Also watched two episodes of Young Justice (Misplaced and Coldhearted) and started Image before I had to go do schoolwork. I've been reminded a lot today of my really severe problem with secondhand embarassment, so there's... that. Image is... not good for that. There's a reason I've never rewatched it despite the hilarious intro. I also read a couple fics I think?? These two EXTREME PAIN Jason and Bruce fics (I almost cried so that's. A lot) and like. A couple others. Man idk. Also a person messaged me on my discourse and I told them my main bc Why The Fuck Not Right? They haven't responded so. Yeah. Also I went for a walk with my mom and the dog and realized that I have a really severe problem with people going near traffic. It sends me into a panic and sometimes there's crying and I just. Can't deal with it. And yeah. I'm just going to sleep now??? I really have a lot to do tomorrow.
There are... so many things that I actively need to do but I'm just not. I have to email back Issy and Heather and a few other people, I have an essay to choose a topic for and research and write, and I have to finish my IDS letter, and apparently now I have to figure out how to do "less screen time" whatever the fuck that means. And my room is still a disaster. And I just feel overwhelmed.( mental health stuff )
Uh, moving on. I'm reading this (cool timkon au thing), and also took a detour to reread this (very fucked up batlantern thing) because I was kinda bored and wanted a break from the timkon thing. I also reread these three fics at the naturopath because we had to wait forty minutes. As karma for being five minutes late I guess? And yeah. Idk. My brother was home sick from school, we watched a vine compilation that's like 40 minutes long, my dad brought home pizza for dinner and we watched the first (?) episode of Trailer Park Boys (which I made a joke about, and then hated. figures. I wanted to watch The Office anyway). And I spent a little while just now adding bookmarks to my new AO3 account. And I'm just gonna? Sleep now? I need sleep.
I just... can't really deal with anything right now. I have schoolwork due tomorrow at 5 and I'm going to be out all day and I just started it today. I still have a full essay to do. Tomorrow there's a gap in the middle of the day where I have nothing to do so I can work on it then but idk if I'll be able to finish it and I just. Don't know anymore. Right now fic is literally the only thing I can deal with.
I read a bunch of fic, I Stressed, I listened to a podcast in the bath (and was supposed to write something about it after, whoops, guess not) and I???? Didn't do anything else? I mean I was on tumblr a lot and did a few ask games (including this one. and Kyla messaged me to ask what the redacted ships were and I told her and we talked for a few minutes about this one housewife au series that we're both reading. it was cool) And... yeah not much else??? I also took my dog for a walk (in the SNOW) and fell on ice (into the SNOW). And yeah, it was snowing! I got a video.
I should... probably go to bed since it's not that late but I have to be up and I got so little sleep last night. (also just for fun my icon is from an episode of Doctor Who called The Snowmen. It's about snowmen and snow. I'm so clever (not really))
holy christ i CANNOT get things done apparently i think my brain is just fried i literally did NOTHING useful today god
i watched young justice. and started rewatching batman vs robin. i did some more edits on a snaibsel week fic and it's basically ready to be posted once i do a few more characterization checks and edits. i read a few fics. i made a bunch of angry posts on my discourse blog. and i also had a conversation with someone (not to be too specific) and she said that she wasn't sure she wanted to message me (for Complex Reasons) but then remembered that i'd reblogged one Very Bad Ship to my sideblog and figured she could trust me, which i found utterly hilarious (i was laughing SO HARD like damn i've never been so glad of reblogging something before) and also rie messaged me about a post and i ended up telling them about what i ship in the batfam and it was cool. i watched some vine compilations and sw video memes with my brother. and DIDN'T get any schoolwork done because i'm a fucking moron apparently
edit: well i just went and wrote 493 words of lights which isn't big but i haven't worked on it in literally two whole months (since DECEMBER FIRST) so it's an achievement. of sorts. i'd keep going but i have a really bad headache and it's not fun
oh god i'm so tired and i have the Worst headache and i have so much i need to do but i'm just gonna make this entry bc there's a few things i want to remember from today
- set up new ao3 account, started the process of transferring bookmarks to it
- i mentioned the fact that batman has like ten kids during dinner, my mom was shocked, i mentioned robin, she said that "robin is batman's little buddy isn't he?" and then my brother tried to list them. he failed.
- Him: Dick... Dick Wayne! No. Dick-*points at me*
- Me: Grayson.
- Him: And then Tim - Wayne! No, wait-
- Me: *lists all of them*
- Him: *glaring*
- Before all of this, he logged me out of the computer because he thought I was at school. Even though I was here last night. I was in the middle of doing the AO3 bookmarks thing so I wasn't really happy.
- Callout discourse is kinda dying down I think? I'm less anxious about it.
- Therapy. For the first time in two months. It was okay but now I'm suddenly stressed again
- I'm trying to clear out my email so I can look at the schoolwork I need to do but it's so overwhelming even though it's like two assignments I just can't deal with it for some reason
I don't really have time for a long entry right now (i have to go grocery shopping at 11 at night for Reasons) but:
Basically stressed all day (posted abt it) and,,, yeah. I still have packing to do... actually, all my packing, since all my clothes are in the wash. And I have to figure out food. But I went shopping today and it was pretty good. And I read through a lot of old AO3 bookmarks. Also I'm officially making a new AO3 account for Bad Content. I'm ready.
I wasn't really going to post an entry today but like. Some things happened?
1. I got hypnotherapy. I don't know how I feel about it except that I can't figure out how to let my damn mind relax and actually just go with it. Also I fucking hate people telling me that I can control my thoughts. I just... I can't accept that as reality and I don't know why. Maybe just like... I have intrusive thoughts that are bad? And being told that "what anyone else thinks of you doesn't matter and has nothing to do with you, and you can always control how you think about something" just really rubs me the wrong way. Also the implied idea that I have to forgive everyone who's ever hurt me because it had nothing to do with me. I know that. Doesn't mean I want to forgive them. Also like??? I'm part of a demographic (bi women) who are at a higher risk than most to be abused, raped, and murdered... it just feels so condescending to act like what other people think of you just!!! Doesn't matter!!! And it feels grossly victim-blamey to say that if you break down after a traumatic event that it's your fault for not becoming a stronger person.
Uh. That's a rant that was meant to be like two sentences. Anyway.
2. I got some anons on my discourse blog. It felt nice. 3. I read this fic -- I started it last night, stayed up till 5am, and finished it this morning. It's amazing, perfect, A+. Also finished this fic that I'd been reading for a while and it's pretty good! Incomplete but good. Started this fic as well. And I changed my AO3 skin from the default to 'For the trees'. It's green and nice. 4. Had a bath. God it's so relaxing. 5. Also went to the eye doctor and didn't go to choir because I'm an idiot obviously. 6. Stressed about school. 7. We moved in the new freezer for good! No more freezer in the garage.
ETA: I CAN'T BELIEVE I FORGOT TO LINK THIS FIC, WHICH I READ LAST NIGHT AND WHICH FUCKED ME UP SO SO SO BADLY. OH GOD. IT'S UTTERLY AMAZING.