So I started seeing a new therapist today? It was... okay. I don't know. It's a little weird because she talks really soft and is really comforting and it kinda sets me on edge but I really don't know how to say that. Also, hypnotherapy. About The Discourse™. And I got Dairy Queen after.
Other than that... not much else? Got beta notes back for Lights 5, and it should be ready to post tomorrow, which is... relieving and also I feel anxious but. Relief. I'll hold onto that. I also watched Black Mirror -- finished White Bear (which. Damn) and watched Men Against Fire (which. Nice). I think I really like Black Mirror. And School Group Chat Things; that was fun. I made this because. It's us.
And I called Keith an edgelord and it's his name now. And I'm EXHAUSTED, I'm going to bed.
I ACTUALLY GOT WRITING DONE. ON LIGHTS. IT'S BEEN MONTHS. I FINISHED EDITING CHAPTER FIVE AND TOMORROW I'M SENDING IT TO BETA AND AHHHHHHHHHHH. I'm actually feeling The Star Wars Vibe right now, and I actually want to catch up on Rebels and finish this damn story and WHAT IS THIS. GOD. My body is READY. I mean. I'm still feeling awful mentally (for Discourse Reasons) and tired all the time (for No Reason) but still. This is good. Caring about SW is good.
I also... I dunno, man. My mom got back from Seattle, Zoe came over and we talked about discourse and shipping and sexuality and all kinds of fun stuff, and I made brownie batter and also an undercooked egg/pepper/onions/bacon/cheese thing, and facetimed with my dad, and not much else.
Every time I think I’m actually going to work on my WIP, I get thrown off by something. Now it’s “so am I completely bastardizing canon with these trippy Force mind links” and I need to work on it when I’m not tired. Also I have so many things I need to rewatch for research? Rebels episodes — Call To Action (or whichever one ends with Kanan being captured, I don’t remember for sure) for action scene reference and A Princess On Lothal for era-appropriate Leia reference — and like. Possibly a few TCW episodes with Padme and Obi-Wan and Luminara and Ahsoka because I haven’t watched it in while and I need to remember their voices and also check their characterization. Really this is all because someone messaged me to continue the story. Which, I mean, it’s nice and all, but what would have been slightly nicer is if one person left a comment on the last chapter? There was one comment, but it wasn’t a real comment, and — ugh. It just Feels Bad. Like, if you want a story to update, maybe… I don’t know… make the author think you care if it updates? Because I was sort of thinking no one cared and I sorta still do even though I have concrete evidence otherwise.
Uh, anyway. I went to the naturopath again today and… yeah. I don’t know. She suggested hypnotheraphy and like, at this point, if it’ll help with my anxiety, I’ll try it. My mom also had a dentist’s appointment in the area so after we got pizza for lunch we went there and I waited (and there was a baby there. It was adorable) and after while she was paying the receptionist complimented my hair, which was nice. And then we went to the States and I had a minor breakdown about not being able to eat gum anymore. I am so close to ignoring the fact that I’m being slowly poisoned by aspartame and just. Buying more gum and chewing the whole pack before I get home. But that would be a really bad idea because I’d just crave it more. And… yeah. Also Shannon was there and he had a really nice shirt with horses on it. It was cool.
And then my back was killing me so I ended up just lying in bed with a heating pad and rereading a bunch of fics. I was sort of in a Batlantern phase (with these two) but I sorta just read whatever I could find in my bookmarks that looked fun to reread. And just before I did this entry I finished a reread of a fic that I started in October and finished adding notes. I think I got fairly creative with insults — like, I’m realizing that 90% of my internal dialogue is insults that I don’t mean and would never say to an actual person but this gives me an outlet and damn if it isn’t nice as hell. I feel so Good and I probably shouldn’t but still, it’s fun to get creative with insults. (The main reason I was adding insults is because it's about something Obviously Bad in real life and even if I enjoy reading it I still want to drag the main character because. Damn. That's so horrible.) And also because this is getting long: had a “family meeting” which dissolved into so much giggling and also I kept asking for a new kitten because my brother’s friend has a pregnant cat and damn I want a kitten. I know I already have a cat but more than one cat is better than one cat in pretty much every circumstance. Seriously.
So writing happened! I finished editing Lights 4 and published it. Yay. And just now I wrote 1.2k of Lights 8, and that’s all I have of the chapter so far, but I feel good about it. I added a completely new element that I wasn’t expecting because that’s where the writing took me, and I’m surprisingly okay with that. It’s actually kind of exciting, writing that much. I haven’t felt so great all day — so damn tired, after going to bed at like one last night and sleeping until almost noon — but now I suddenly feel ALIVE. It’s nice.
Other than that, I didn’t do… much? My dad is home and, yeah, it’s great, but it’s also… hard. I find it so hard to interact with him. He doesn’t respect my damn space or my stuff. I know this is minor and petty as fuck, but I made a wrap and he took a bite (after berating me for eating that much meat past 9pm) and then when I was almost finished he took another, bigger bite and almost finished it. Without asking. And I know it’s minor, and not that big of a deal, but it fucking hurt, okay? It feels like he just doesn’t respect me, ever, in any way, shape, or form. Combined with him getting bitchy about me not wanting to move all the furniture in my room and go into the crawlspace to find the Christmas stuff (I don’t know where it is and also I was fucking exhausted and didn’t want to go on the floor because I’d just lay down and sleep probably) and I ended up getting really mad and my mom tried to hug me and I almost yelled at her because I don’t like people touching me! Ever! Even more so when I’m upset! And ugh I’m just so upset and I don’t know what to do.
God, I need to just… go to bed. Fic notes, though — read this Jaytim fic, which is SO FUCKED UP AND I LOVE IT, and a few others. I went through the "soulmates" tag in DCU (filtering out the TV shows I don't care about) and found a few interesting soulmate AU concepts. And I finished reading the Hot Topic AU! Which is currently 93 works long, the last one being the Thanksgiving one. It was good.
So for some reason I decided to bake after my mom went to bed? I made brownies. I put them away and washed everything. It’s drying now and I’ll put it away before I go to bed. I kinda wanna see whether she notices that I made brownies or not. I also reread a fic — the last fic in a fic series that made me BELIEVE IN LOVE. It’s just so beautiful and pure and cavity-inducing fluff. I cry.
A few other fics were read, as well, but not as many as the rest of this week because my body seems to be falling apart around me. I got this agonizing sharp pain in my abdomen, like a period cramp but I’m not on my period. (When I told my mom, she asked if I was pregnant. I’m definitely not pregnant unless I’m the fucking Virgin Mary reborn. Which she knows. God.) And then I laid in bed and watched two whole episodes of Supergirl, in my underwear and bra because clothes were irritating me, and now I’m four episodes in! I cannot binge watch. It’s an attention thing. But when you’re in so much pain that lying down is the only viable option, it’s surprisingly easy to pay attention. Anyway, after that I had dinner and got sick halfway through and couldn’t finish it. Which was just… great. But yeah. I had a bowl of brownie batter; it wasn’t as sweet as that fic I was reading, but it was pretty damn nice.
I also did Writing Things? Sent chapter 4 of Lights to beta. Idk how long it’ll be, but soon. Soon. I can finally publish it. And maybe stop feeling so goddamn guilty all the goddamn time. That would be… nice. Also I had an Anxiety thing for two reasons: someone whose content I’ve reblogged was outed as an abuser and anti-self-dx person, and a bunch of people basically… shunned her, and it was really kind of scary and anxiety-inducing because I followed a lot of people involved in it. I didn’t follow her, but… it was terrifying, almost. And then I saw that someone I follow — someone who I’ve seen involved in anti-anti stuff, who follows my discourse blog AND my problematic ship blog — reblogged a post from an anti blog that causes me unspeakable anxiety. I think it’s probably just that she followed them a while ago and didn’t realize what side of the Discourse they were on, but… that blog has so much incredibly self-righteous smugness and bullshit (such as “you can’t ship this CANON ship because it’s bad in some continuities” and “you’re an Unsafe Blog if you ship literally the most popular ship in the entire fandom”, and all of this linked from their damn description and sidebar, so anyone who goes on the blog will see it) that it made me have an anxiety attack last time I saw it, and. Yeah. I feel awful about it, but I’m trying not to think about it. God, I shouldn’t have written about this; I was in such a good mood. Oh well, I’ll do dishes and go to bed and try not to think about it some more.
I can’t tell how today was because most of it was a blur. Not good, overall, I guess; I think I’m actually deep into a major depressive episode. Which probably should have been obvious, but oh well. Right now I feel pretty good because I just read an EXCELLENT fic. Can’t link it, but trust me: it was good. Really good. I mean, it had some elements that made me uncomfortable (sort of a really dark AU where all the characters are basically sociopaths, I feel like the tag “mildly dubious consent” is kind of insufficient since as far as I can tell it was either dubious consent or rape depending on which chapter, and a fair amount of sadism which I am NOT into) but it was actually good? And I really liked the ending, and just. Yeah. I’m in a decent mood right now, somehow.
I wrote! 1.3k! Not Lights — a Han-died-earlier-and-Leia-mourns-him fic — but still. Words. I may publish it, or maybe not. I really need to edit Lights 4, but I also need to finish chapter 7 because good god it just needs to be DONE. I will do it. Sometime. Hopefully soon.
Other than that… panto rehearsal today! A full run-through and I actually did… one thing. Moved a set piece. That would be it. I also spent the whole time annoyed because I’d started rereading a fic on my phone and it was all loaded up and ready to go except I couldn’t read it because I’m not going to read explicit fic in the middle of a rehearsal. Tragically. But yeah, it was good, I have a decent sense of the story by now, I like all of the songs (last year there were a couple that just plain irritated me) and it’s looking like I won’t have a lot to do, so. I love theatre. I really do.
Day 1 of not talking to my brother because he went to see Doctor Strange. Mostly a success; dinner was fun when I got to tell my mom to tell him something. Several times. It’s sort of dumb at this point, but like… I’m actually hurt that he just refuses to listen, that he thinks that racism doesn’t matter. It’s not just this, either. And I know he has some Bad opinions, especially racially, it’s just… a lot. And I’m sad.
OKAY WHAT. I wrote this entry, and then I went back and FINISHED LIGHTS 7. The scene is about 550 words, and rough — oh, god, it’s so rough — but it’s DONE. And I can’t believe it. TWENTY MINUTES, MAYBE. Why am I like this. AND I EDITED CHAPTER 4? WHAT TO HECK. I am In Awe. And also going to bed, what the hell, it’s so late.
Other things! There was a panto rehearsal today and I stayed until they got through the whole second act and started working on a dance. I would have stayed until the end, but like… I wasn’t doing anything at all, literally. At least up until that point, I’d had a plot to pay attention to, even if it was a little rough. But yeah. Idk. I’m looking forward to actually doing the show, but that’s still a while away yet. I also went to yoga with my mom at the local community centre. It was exhausting and I hate yoga, but it wasn’t… quite as bad as it could have been. Sorta. Idk. I’ll probably be sore tomorrow, and I almost blacked out a couple of times, but. Yeah. It wasn’t terrible.
I felt vaguely weird and unfocused again today, around the time I was trying to go on tumblr — which was annoying as hell, because I just wanted to get it done. I did, but it took a lot of mental energy. Everything internet related felt hard today; I read a lot of fics for [redacted pairing] but couldn’t do much else. I mean, I could barely go on fucking Pinterest until I was down to the seconds of internet time. I also read another fic series; can’t link it, because one of the pairings is Bad (not the same bad pairing as before, but still) but it was good. Three works, about 20k each; pretty nice. I’ll probably add it to my reading log tomorrow? If the series is complete, which it might not be and I can’t check since I read it after the wifi went down. But yeah. ANYWAY.
Along with the 1.7k that is That Fic, I wrote just under 500 words of Lights chapter 7. It’s an important scene, and I’m not entirely happy with it, but it’s happening? I guess? I think I’m making some progress on that — forward momentum is good. I’m kind of emotional over Obidala now, too. I love them… so much.
I finally watched Justice League: War. It was pretty good! I ship Batlantern now, I think. Also Halbarry is Good. And Diana was awesome, and so was Clark, and Shazam (I know he has a name I just can’t remember it right now) and Victor Stone. My brother watched it with me, mostly, so that was actually kind of nice. Also I put a new mattress on my bed — I’ve had it for a while, I just hadn’t put it on my bed yet. I’m excited to check it out.
(written yesterday and only posting now because power outage! fun)
*weak laughter* okay so I somehow wrote 2.5k just now. After midnight. Of Lights. What the fuck. How am I being so productive. It’s insane. Both scenes from a Padmé and Vader plotline, in chapters 6 and 7. Damn, I’m excited. Beta notes are done so I’ll be going over Lights 3 tomorrow and — fingers crossed — maybe posting it. Or the day after. But either way, things are moving! I actually also wrote another thing, but it wasn’t a story, just sort of a reflection on how I’d personally do a Batfam movie. Basically describing the opening sequence. It was kinda fun, kinda embarrassing, but I’m glad I did it.
Other things! Last night I went to bed early because I couldn’t read the fics I wanted to and so what’s the point of staying awake? I had a shower and was in bed before one, which was kinda insane, and asleep pretty quickly. I did wake up at just past 2am, but that’s just how it is, I guess. I woke up for real at just past 8am, after a nightmare about losing my Duolingo streak, and then had the WHOLE MORNING to just read fic. God, my life is just DC fic right now, it’s insane. More than half of the bookmarks on the first bookmarks page on AO3 (about?? fifteen or sixteen) are from today/technically yesterday. The main one I read was this series, which was SO GOOD and has basically taken over my mind and soul. And most of the other fics were Jaytim, I guess I should add -- mostly short ones.
Had choir and got personally dragged for not submitting an assignment from two weeks ago, whoops. I mean, not personally, the teacher just read out a list of people needed submissions from. Which is kinda irritating, but you know. Teachers. The rehearsal was fine, except for the fact that in the middle I remembered suddenly that I’d barely eaten and then I almost passed out. I sorta felt sick and weird all day? There was literally nothing I wanted to eat in the house, so. I ended up going to the Greek place at the mall on my way home because I needed food desperately. And my mom made turkey noodle soup for dinner, which I don’t like, so that worked out fine.
Anyway. Kinda good day? Productive, at least.
UGH I FORGOT TO POST THIS EARLIER AND I ONLY HAVE LIKE FIFTEEN MINUTES OF WIFI LEFT BECAUSE I GOT A TINY EXTENSION. ANYWAY. YESTERDAY'S.
I somehow added 1,185 words while editing Lights 3 — I think. The math doesn’t quite add up, but I have no idea how Scrivener counts added words. It’s over 6k now, which I didn’t expect, but I’m actually happy about. It has been way too long since I update it. I’m going to send it to beta tomorrow and I think I can probably get it up before the end of the week. It feels good to Achieve Things, honestly.
Sorta mostly okay day, I think? I didn’t go anywhere or really do anything, but that’s most days, basically. I did sorta lose my temper and freak out when my mom told me that I should do put an alert on my phone so I wouldn’t forget to meet with my teacher again, because I said that I couldn’t and she got mad at me for always knowing reasons why I can’t do something. I don’t know why I do that. It’s A Thing that I don’t want to deal with. Yet another thing. I sorta have a million layers of fucked up psychological issues and it’s annoying.
Anyway. Finished reading a Jaydick fic and it was pretty good, I guess, though the ending… wasn’t really my thing. Not to say it’s bad, but. I don’t like timeskips, so. It was good, generally, that’s the biggest thing. And I managed to read the whole thing on my Kobo, too. Also reread this fic and yeah. I sorta planned to skim it for the good parts, but it’s all good, so I just ended up reading the whole thing. And reread a fic for a pairing that I wouldn’t admit to not hating on my deathbed. I downloaded it to read offline, and I think I’m probably going to delete it off my computer tomorrow — that’s the level of shame here.
Also watched Batman vs Robin — the sequel to Batman and Son. It was pretty good. I really like Damian as a character, even if it hurt my entire soul whenever he insulted Dick. The plot was good, I guess, though plot in general isn’t my thing, so. I enjoyed the character interactions and wasn’t too distracted by the plot, and that’s what matters. There’s another sequel, I think, which I can’t remember offhand, but yeah. I’ll watch that at some point as well.
It feels nice to do this by actual wifi, and not have to post it the morning after. Really nice. Anyway.
Was out LITERALLY ALL DAY and spent, like, an hour total online, which feels like sorta an achievement. It's Thanksgiving Sunday, so my mom, my brother and I went down to my aunt and uncle's cottage. I made scalloped potatoes, they were great. The Lindt chocolate was a hit, as was the pumpkin pie from Costco and the apple pie stolen from work. It wasn't really stolen, I should add. We were allowed to take it. It was overall a pretty enjoyable day -- we played lots of card games, I lost at Spoons, we went for a walk, etc. I also read. A... lot. This fic, on my Kobo. It's good. I dunno, I'm pretty new at shipping Jaydick, but it's good. I guess. Though I lose about a year of my life expectancy every time Dick's internal narration calls Jason his "brother" or "little brother". Like, please do not, you aren't related, you are literally only brothers by law, you are SLEEPING TOGETHER AND THAT IS NOT BROTHERLY. PLEASE. Anyway. It's pretty good. I'm on the last chapter, I think, and 89% read. Also read this fic after I got home (WHO DOESN'T LOVE PAIN??? *distant sobbing*) and I think I finished this series this morning, but it's mostly a haze.
Also, surprisingly, I managed to write an entire scene for Lights 6! I think I might have to move around some scenes -- chapters are confusing -- but I'm pretty sure the scene is workable, and yeah. I missed writing Padmé, she wasn't around in the plotline I was mostly working on for the last little while. 691 words total, though 36 of those words may have been me copying and pasting the Jedi Code into a previous scene. But anyway. I need sleep, so 'night.
It was raining all day, and no one really did anything. It was… nice, actually, though today got off to a kind of bad start. I sorta realized that it had been a week since I washed my hair, and it took me two hours of reading Watchmen in bed before I managed to get up and just do it. Sudden deja vu moment while typing this… weird. Anyway. Then I stripped my bed, because it’s been like two months. And then later tonight, I changed mattresses! We have an extra one, which usually lives under my brother’s bed (it’s raised up) and my usual mattress is awful, so. This one doesn’t have, like, springs in it, so it’s about half the height. So that’ll be an adjustment. Hopefully my sheet fits on it properly and the problem isn’t actually my bed frame.( swr spoilers )
Watched a few episodes of Arrested Development with my mom and brother — and got the internet extended by thirty minutes, as well, because of watching it so late! So that was nice. I really like Arrested Development, actually — idk who my fav is, though I really love Maeby. My mom also got me to make a list of all the meals I’ll eat, so she could do menu planning, and we made an enchilada casserole for dinner since it was on the list. Well, she made it, I tried and failed to stop myself from rereading (why, @my brain) this A/B/O primer that makes me want to burn my brain out. GOD, WHY DOES THIS AU EXIST. I need to, like, permanently blacklist it on AO3 so I don’t have to see it anywhere. Also reread a fic that I will not link for reasons, involving a ship I don’t like and a kink that borderline squicks me. No, I don’t understand my brain.
Also, inexplicably, wrote 930 words of Lights 6. Luke and Ezra! I think I improved in little writing them/romance in general — it’s definitely more subtle in this scene, since the first scene was a heavy-handed disaster. Can’t wait to edit that…
Chapter 2: Returns
11k, Chapter 2/10, WIP, AU, mostly Gen with Obidala, eventual Obianidala, and other side pairings
Obi-Wan knew that if he didn’t leave now, Padmé would die.
And so he made his decision.
Obi-Wan closed his eyes. He understood — Force, he understood more than he wanted to, but — “Why, Luminara? Why are you looking for her? She’s a loose cannon — she’s dangerous.”
“I know — believe me, I know.” Her voice was raw, and she radiated pain in the Force. Obi-Wan knew, more intimately than he would have liked, how she felt. An apprentice going to the dark side was the worst kind of agony, in many ways. “But I had a vision in the Force,” Luminara continued. “She was here, hiding on Umbara. The vision seemed urgent — it needed me here. I left Kashyyyk in the middle of a battle and came here with a small guard, just to look — and then Order 66 happened. I had to kill my troopers — my men, my trusted soldiers — when they tried to kill me, but I survived. I think it was supposed to happen. The Force willed it.”
Obi-Wan couldn’t argue with that. He’d wondered, after leaving Utapau, whether the Force had willed his survival, or if it was just a sick coincidence. He had no way of knowing whether his survival had come down to luck or the Force. But Luminara had had a vision — the Force had screamed in her mind to leave her men behind and her post behind. While the Force worked in ways that no being, even the Jedi — try as they might — could understand, the message seemed clear enough. The Force had wanted her to live.
Chapter 1: Knightfall
6k, Chapter 1/10, WIP, AU, mostly Gen with Obidala, eventual Obianidala, and other side pairings
Obi-Wan knew that if he didn’t leave now, Padmé would die.
And so he made his decision.
“Survive this, she may not,” said Yoda quietly. “Visions, your former padawan had. Her death, they predicted.”
“I won’t let that happen,” said Obi-Wan. And he wouldn’t. He owed that to Anakin — his apprentice, the man who was now dead.
Yoda looked up at him, eyes far too old, even for him. “Try, you will. Succeed, you may not.”
Obi-Wan looked away and back at Padmé. She wasn’t crying anymore, but pain radiated off of her in the Force. “She will live,” he said, because she had to. If she didn’t, he had nothing left. After Qui-Gon, and Ahsoka, and Anakin. After all the friends he’d lost during the war. He only had Padmé.
He wasn’t going to lose her too.
This is very prequels/TCW oriented, I realize. I've split it into Lightsverse and not Lightsverse. Some of these have already been talked about, some parts of this list have already been posted.Other ideas — Lights:
- Vader almost captures Ahsoka oneshot, mirrors Jedi Who Knew scene (I want her alive!). 4-5k.
- Leia and Luke go on an interplanetary road trip and meet Han on Corellia. Space pirates? Mostly fun, projected: 10k
- Dark!Leia: AU where Luke dies, Leia goes dark and becomes Maul’s Sith apprentice. Plot? Maybe. If so, 35-40k, if not 10-15k.
- Various slices of life in the missing fifteen years — mostly Obidala, maybe a few sad Vader scenes
- Unspoken — non-canon ship, Obi-Wan/Luminara maybe?
- Under the Surface — Rexsoka oneshot
- Something more with the Barrissoka snippet
- Cute Luke/Ezra oneshot
- Obikin w/ Lady!Obi-Wan
- TFA mirrorverse-ish — Rey Solo, Rey & Ben role reversal, Finnrey — maybe JSP?
- That one where Ahsoka really did bomb the Jedi temple, along with Barriss, and they become Sith girlfriends and terrorize the galaxy together
- Space Disneyland mission fic — idk who yet
- ETA: May 29th (2am): Modern Obianidala AU -- Senator Padmé, Military Obi-Wan and Anakin (Generals) and Ahsoka (Anakin's foster sister who also joined the military because of him)
I WROTE THINGS.
Finished Lights chapter 2, at 4.7k -- first one is 6.2, but I don't think the difference is too bad. Chapter 3 started -- I think I finished the scene at 1.1k but I will re-evaluate tomorrow. BARRISS! I really do love her. Enough that I'm thinking of ordering two really old Legends novels about her (Medstar I & II) just to see more of her character. I also keep thinking that I should be able to just find old EU novels, in the thrift store or whatever -- kind of want to go to a thrift store tomorrow just to see. Maybe I'll bus. Or something.
Short snippet, because why not.( Read more... )
So last night, since I'd watched the Wrong Jedi arc, I was thinking about it, and suddenly remembered a meta I'd read a while ago about how Barriss-as-Ventress broke Ahsoka's rib during their fight in To Catch A Jedi (here). And that made me write this on my phone at 4am, which was Absolute Hell because I'm very slow at typing on my phone. So this is the edited version. BARRISSOKA CUTENESS. Set in the Lightsverse, probably around 9/10 BBY. I don't know if it'll turn into anything, but this is it. Kind of edited, not really, mostly changes of phrase and expanded a bit.
This is surprisingly nerve-wracking, especially considering how unlikely it is that anyone's going to see it, but anyway.( Read more... )