bluegansey: clara oswald looking at the sky in wonder (clara oswald black)

 GOOD THINGS TODAY:

  • Star Wars Cards Against Humanity (with darthvcder on tumblr) which was SUPER FUN
  • Saw Lego Batman Movie again!!!!
  • Read a couple of good fics (Jaytim, Jaydick, another that I won't link bc it wasn't... good (well it was but it almost gave me a panic attack so... no))
  • Posted a new chapter of Lights! Which I forgot to crosspost here. Shit. I'll do that.
NOT SO GOOD THINGS TODAY:
  • My brother told me that he deleted most of the pictures I took in Japan off his phone. Because I didn't ask for them, apparently.
  • I found out that a writer I'd liked actually has some really shitty opinions (including, but not limited to: feminism is pointless, gay marriage is useless & gay people are sinners ("but I still respect them" okay susan), abortion is murder, Trump isn't that bad, Irish slavery was real, trans people don't exist, birth control is morally wrong, Muslims are terrorists, shipping slash is just "insane fangirls who think everything is gay", making characters not straight is DISRESPECTFUL TO THEIR STRAIGHT HISTORY, and more! It... really fucking hurt, because I kinda thought I could trust them, y'know? I just... I didn't expect it.
  • I wanted to go out for wings since I'm not going to be home on another Wednesday night until summer, but nah.
bluegansey: amy pond holding a book with a yellow background (amy pond yellow)
ROLLERCOASTER OF A DAY, LADS. ROLLERCOASTER.

My mom went to Seattle. I went to Anxiety. I added almost fifty new fics to my ficrec page, which took... well, I'm not sure, but several hours, at least. personal tmi shit sorry )
bluegansey: amy pond holding a book with a yellow background (amy pond yellow)
mental illness bullshit )
bluegansey: close-up of ahsoka tano looking down and to the left (ahsoka tano gray)

 holy christ i CANNOT get things done apparently i think my brain is just fried i literally did NOTHING useful today god

i watched young justice. and started rewatching batman vs robin. i did some more edits on a snaibsel week fic and it's basically ready to be posted once i do a few more characterization checks and edits. i read a few fics. i made a bunch of angry posts on my discourse blog. and i also had a conversation with someone (not to be too specific) and she said that she wasn't sure she wanted to message me (for Complex Reasons) but then remembered that i'd reblogged one Very Bad Ship to my sideblog and figured she could trust me, which i found utterly hilarious (i was laughing SO HARD like damn i've never been so glad of reblogging something before) and also rie messaged me about a post and i ended up telling them about what i ship in the batfam and it was cool. i watched some vine compilations and sw video memes with my brother. and DIDN'T get any schoolwork done because i'm a fucking moron apparently

edit: well i just went and wrote 493 words of lights which isn't big but i haven't worked on it in literally two whole months (since DECEMBER FIRST) so it's an achievement. of sorts. i'd keep going but i have a really bad headache and it's not fun

bluegansey: padme amidala on a blue background (padme amidala blue)

 oh god i'm so tired and i have the Worst headache and i have so much i need to do but i'm just gonna make this entry bc there's a few things i want to remember from today

  1. set up new ao3 account, started the process of transferring bookmarks to it
  2. i mentioned the fact that batman has like ten kids during dinner, my mom was shocked, i mentioned robin, she said that "robin is batman's little buddy isn't he?" and then my brother tried to list them. he failed.
  3. Him: Dick... Dick Wayne! No. Dick-*points at me*
  4. Me: Grayson.
  5. Him: And then Tim - Wayne! No, wait-
  6. Me: *lists all of them*
  7. Him: *glaring*
  8. Before all of this, he logged me out of the computer because he thought I was at school. Even though I was here last night. I was in the middle of doing the AO3 bookmarks thing so I wasn't really happy.
  9. Callout discourse is kinda dying down I think? I'm less anxious about it.
  10. Therapy. For the first time in two months. It was okay but now I'm suddenly stressed again
  11. I'm trying to clear out my email so I can look at the schoolwork I need to do but it's so overwhelming even though it's like two assignments I just can't deal with it for some reason
that's all basically i just really need sleep now

bluegansey: isabelle lightwood on a starry blue background (isabelle lightwood blue)

 I was almost not going to make an entry today because 80% of my day was something I don't want to discuss publicly (a lifestyle forum thing) but I actually wrote today!!! After... so goddamn long. 1.2k, finishing up a story for Snaibsel week (which was at the end of October *ugly laughter* hey at least now it can double for Femslash February). It's for day 6 (magic) and it's... not much related to the prompt, but it's a pretty open prompt? So I'm not that worried. It's really angsty, though, and deals a lot with Wally's death. So there's that. But I'm pretty proud of it I think?

cut for length, discourse, and Personal )

Minor good things? Other than writing. This happened. And this -- well the second one happened first actually but oh well. And yeah? I'm also rereading this because the other thing I was reading was getting explicit and I didn't want to read it in public.

bluegansey: leia organa holding blaster and looking determined on a red background (leia organa red)

 I haven't made a diary entry in... three days? Whoops. Not much of note except anger that was not conducive to writing and then being kicked offline before I could do an entry. I should say that I played minecraft for the first time in... months... like, so many... on the first day I didn't do an entry, and last night I had a really long conversation with my dad that started as a fight and then had talk about me being suicidal and stuff and he told me something he'd never told anyone in the 40-ish years since it happened. Which I definitely 100% can't talk about publicly, but I wanted to make note of when it happened.

Today was good; I went to Zoe's and that was cool. We ended up talking about shipping a lot and also antis and like, fuck antis, man. Today was pretty chill? I also got lots of anons. And reread a couple of fics, read a couple new ones... not much. Really not. And I also got some anons today. And FUCK, I just went on my kobo to check something and my kobo DELETED EVERY SINGLE FUCKING COLLECTION I HAVE. That's fucking great. I now have to go through 35 pages of books and add every fic to one collection, hope to god it doesn't reorganize them, and then figure out what other collections I had before. That's fine. Have I ever mentioned that my kobo is super sensitive and responds to the lightest touch, and also barely fucking works? That's a thing. That's a really convenient thing. Uh, I need to shut up now.

bluegansey: close-up of ahsoka tano looking down and to the left (ahsoka tano gray)

 Uh, I think I spent literally the whole day in a state of extreme anxiety, so that's.... fun. People kept coming in and out of the kitchen where the computer is, and even before that I spent two hours lying in bed trying to feel like I could potentially get up. And I sort of ended up lying in bed with earbuds in blasting music so I couldn't hear the vacuum, because the sound makes my anxiety skyrocket, so. That was also fun.

Actual party tonight, which I almost didn't go to because. Anxiety. But it was fine, overall, I sort of hung out with Leichelle and we watched The Force Awakens -- some of it, at least, and partially with my dad. And now I'm home and my dad wants the computer, so just quickly -- I sorted out my reading log from this year, and don't quote me on this but I think I read 159 books total? Not... entirely sure if I'm remember correctly, but yeah. I think I'll make an entry about it once I sort it out in a word doc instead of just the excel file. Also I went deep into a Sinful ship tag (well, deep as in "literally the whole thing, it's hardly there, why -- right that's why") and then Someone got me into Jayroman, goddamnit, I wasn't planning on this but whatever. Oh and before that I made three posts about my mental health bc it's Bad atm. Anyway. My dad needs the computer.

bluegansey: clara oswald looking at the sky in wonder (clara oswald black)

So panto wasn't as bad as it could have been. I was in hysterics (i mean, kinda? Just terrified mostly) all day and sort of just started crying at one point because I was so scared -- and I basically never cry because I'm too emotionally numb, so that's definitely something. And it went... mostly okay. I missed one cue, the greenery in the first forest scene (it comes in after the opening and then doesn't move for the rest of the show) so I just slowly lowered it in during the scene and it was fine. I was a little slow on the reds a couple times as well, but I think I'm getting the hang of doing them faster. One particularly great moment was during a series of very fast cues (reds down, a few other things, reds back up basically) my cable -- that connects my headset -- got caught on something, and since I needed it so I could get to the reds, I was frantically trying to figure out what the fuck it was caught on -- and it was caught on an actor's PROP SWORD THAT WAS HANGING OFF HIS HIP. IT WAS HILARIOUS. I didn't miss my cue, though, so that probably contributed to how funny it was.

I didn't do much else? I got back on tumblr, with a lot of drafts -- I'll continue clearing them tomorrow -- and it was very nice. Everyone was talking about Rogue One, so I snapped and got a ticket for tomorrow in the early afternoon. I can just... see it again with my brother. I just want to see Darth Vader on a big screen for the first time in my life, come on universe you can give me that. And I'm really sort of sick but I know it's because of overindulging on sugar. I can't really breathe properly and my throat hurts like I have a serious cough, but I don't. On that note: supposed to be choir today, but it was cancelled. Lucky, because I could not sing a note today. Also! I have an idea for a soulmate AU that I've wanted to do for a while, and I'm gonna start it soon. I looked through this tag for ideas, and finally settled on "matching symbols" though I may change it. I just want a morally complicated soulmate AU. And I went through a ship tag and found a cute fic and now I'm looking through the author's bookmarks of that ship (it's an Unnamed Ship and also the same ship that I'm writing the soulmate AU for) and I'm surprisingly cheerful, overall? Somehow.

bluegansey: isabelle lightwood on a starry blue background (isabelle lightwood blue)

 Somehow I'm going to go five days, in my Actual House, without using the computer or my phone. I've loaded up my Kobo with a bunch of fic, and I am Ready. I also won't be on here, obviously, so... yeah.

Choir rehearsal today, and it was only 45 minutes for some reason, which is Good basically. My dad got Costco pizza for dinner, and I made it while he was out (from like four until six) and then it got cold, because I didn't realize how long he would be out. And then a panto rehearsal -- first full costume one, and it went... basically okay? Not bad, but not great either. I missed a few cues, as a result of not actually knowing any cues that I'm supposed to know somehow, but I'm getting a basic idea of it? Also I decided to chew gum beforehand and that was a mistake -- three/four hours of chewing turned it into slowly disintegrating plastic. We didn't have a garbage backstage yet, so in desperation I grabbed a tea bag and wrapped my gum in that and stuck it in my pocket. It sorta exploded all over the inside of my pocket, but at least I wasn't eating the disintegrating plastic anymore.

One of the reasons I'm doing this internet/computer thing now is because I'm going to an island to check out a school on Monday, except it might be Sunday now because I might be taking the ferry with a sort-of friend that happens to be coming from this area (she goes to that school) and staying the night. Which would definitely be An Experience, but I'm still sorta iffy on it... I mean, if I don't, I'll have to get up at 5am on Monday, but maybe that wouldn't be so bad. Who knows. Anyway, I should... log out. Since I'm Done for the rest of the week/five days.

bluegansey: allison argent laughing and smiling with a pink background (allison argent pink)

 This is the fourth day in a row or something where I've been out in the evening or day, and today it was both -- panto rehearsal (at the actual theatre now!) from one to almost five, and Philosopher's Cafe in the evening. I spent most of the panto rehearsal reading -- I finished my reread of this Superbat fic (ahh I still love it so much) and then I browsed my bookmarks to look for SFW fics to read on my phone, because someone leaned over my shoulder and said "good book?" during possibly the only mildly explicit scene in the entire fic. I don't know if they saw the actual story, but like... it was scary. So I managed to get through like six pages of bookmarks, and I came to realize just how many damn explicit fics I read. Like... DC is Something Else, I never expected this. I think the combination of having tons of quality fic and also not feeling sex repulsed for a long while (it's been so long... I don't even remember ever being sex repulsed but like that's just my shitty memory) and yeah. I don't know how I feel about it, who knows.

Philosopher's Cafe was good as well! There was a new person there, named Jason -- he doesn't live at the Point but has a vacation house there and yeah. He was pretty cool, I guess. There wasn't really a set theme for our discussion, so we talked about the weather, skiing, and like... various things? Don't really remember most of it. Zoe was there and we talked for a while after and it was good. And then I came home, basically -- after going to the grocery store and getting wine (my mom), mint m&ms (my mom), whoppers (me since they're not in Canada but I didn't want them atm and haven't had any yet. my brother tried to take some and made the excuse that they were for his gerbils... he should not be allowed to parent) and a blueberry Tillamook yogurt cup (me, because I fucking love tillamook and they don't have it in Canada). Also weird thing: when we were crossing the border, we saw a bunch of border cops standing in the middle of the road in front of the way back to Canada and holding flashlights? Like??? I don't even know why. I'm confused. They were gone later though.

DISCOURSE! Of course. Someone made a condescending essay post (I mentioned it already I think) and I responded to it... because I'm a dumbass... and they didn't care, obviously, and someone else who responded to it replied to an earlier post I made about whether I should fight them or not. And they were really nice about it, and it turns out that the other person has a long history of suicide baiting and being a generally awful person. And yeah, I sorta had a fuckton of anxiety for a while, but this person helped me feel a bit better. Also someone else who I followed already/have talked to before (though they don't know I'm the same person as my sideblogs... ahhh shit I need to tell them but also how) responded as well and I just feel??? Better now??? It's nice. I guess. Anyway it's 2:40 and I am GOING TO BED. And wow, I made a lot tags on this... today was busier than I thought... oh I also watched an episode of The Office with my mom and brother, though my mom left halfway through to pick up my dad. It was the one with a fire and Michael sexually harassing the temp guy. It was okay. Okay I'm legit gonna sleep now my hands are shaking almost too much to type

bluegansey: padme amidala on a blue background (padme amidala blue)

 Well, I... was tired. Half an hour ago. And then someone messaged me and I was destroyed by anxiety. It was like, three minutes of conversation, and I'm now extremely alert from anxiety. Great! Great. It's fine. Social anxiety is fine.

I was basically out all day -- went to Zoe's for a while, and then went to my aunt's new house (it's SO NICE) and out for dinner at Milestones, and I'd never been before so that was cool, and then back to their old house to pack stuff. I never want to move, packing is so difficult. Other than that... not much? My mom and I went down to the States for gas and came back as well. And I started reading this fic series. It's kinda cute so far. And got really into TimDami somehow. I just... went into the tag... and now I am Suffering.

bluegansey: peggy carter holding captain america's shield on a blue background (peggy carter blue)

What is… today… I am Confused and Tired. Some writing just now, new concept — Jaydick AU where Jason is Tim’s best man and Dick is the wedding organizer. Or something. I’ve been thinking about it for a few days and I’m finally writing it a little. 731 words of the first scene, and I think the scene is done. I can’t work anymore on Lights until chapter 4 is back from beta, but I reread a few scenes from the later chapters just for fun. And reread my fic Peace Is A Lie. It’s better than I remember, actually. It’s nice to reread my own stuff.

Other than that… I didn’t do much? Reread/read a fair amount of unlinkable fic, talked to my mom about how terrible antis are and how they are causing me massive anxiety and distress and even made me suicidal a while back, and she basically agreed with me about how what you read doesn’t define your real-world morality. And that sort of led to a discussion about how polyamory (she called it polygamy and I didn’t really correct her) shouldn’t be illegal and stuff. And I mentioned that I heard my brother saying… things… but not what he said and I told her to check my twitter if she really wants to know. He said the f slur, by the way. I think. Not 100% sure, but. And today I heard him joking about the holocaust, so there’s… that. I’m actually kind of terrified that he’ll call himself alt-right at some point and I’ll have to deal with having a neo-nazi white nationalist as a brother. I don’t know how I can deal with that, so I’m just… hoping it’s just talk.

My dog ate my entire brownie, and that was terrifying. I was home alone at the time, my mom out at a thing, so I called her and gave her a vet’s number to call because I can’t call people. The dog is going to be fine, just a little sick, so that’s… good. But it was scary. And I also made a memes pinterest board.

bluegansey: amy pond holding a book with a yellow background (amy pond yellow)

So for some reason I decided to bake after my mom went to bed? I made brownies. I put them away and washed everything. It’s drying now and I’ll put it away before I go to bed. I kinda wanna see whether she notices that I made brownies or not. I also reread a fic — the last fic in a fic series that made me BELIEVE IN LOVE. It’s just so beautiful and pure and cavity-inducing fluff. I cry.

A few other fics were read, as well, but not as many as the rest of this week because my body seems to be falling apart around me. I got this agonizing sharp pain in my abdomen, like a period cramp but I’m not on my period. (When I told my mom, she asked if I was pregnant. I’m definitely not pregnant unless I’m the fucking Virgin Mary reborn. Which she knows. God.) And then I laid in bed and watched two whole episodes of Supergirl, in my underwear and bra because clothes were irritating me, and now I’m four episodes in! I cannot binge watch. It’s an attention thing. But when you’re in so much pain that lying down is the only viable option, it’s surprisingly easy to pay attention. Anyway, after that I had dinner and got sick halfway through and couldn’t finish it. Which was just… great. But yeah. I had a bowl of brownie batter; it wasn’t as sweet as that fic I was reading, but it was pretty damn nice.

I also did Writing Things? Sent chapter 4 of Lights to beta. Idk how long it’ll be, but soon. Soon. I can finally publish it. And maybe stop feeling so goddamn guilty all the goddamn time. That would be… nice. Also I had an Anxiety thing for two reasons: someone whose content I’ve reblogged was outed as an abuser and anti-self-dx person, and a bunch of people basically… shunned her, and it was really kind of scary and anxiety-inducing because I followed a lot of people involved in it. I didn’t follow her, but… it was terrifying, almost. And then I saw that someone I follow — someone who I’ve seen involved in anti-anti stuff, who follows my discourse blog AND my problematic ship blog — reblogged a post from an anti blog that causes me unspeakable anxiety. I think it’s probably just that she followed them a while ago and didn’t realize what side of the Discourse they were on, but… that blog has so much incredibly self-righteous smugness and bullshit (such as “you can’t ship this CANON ship because it’s bad in some continuities” and “you’re an Unsafe Blog if you ship literally the most popular ship in the entire fandom”, and all of this linked from their damn description and sidebar, so anyone who goes on the blog will see it) that it made me have an anxiety attack last time I saw it, and. Yeah. I feel awful about it, but I’m trying not to think about it. God, I shouldn’t have written about this; I was in such a good mood. Oh well, I’ll do dishes and go to bed and try not to think about it some more.

bluegansey: close-up of ahsoka tano looking down and to the left (ahsoka tano gray)

Oh, god, I’m back into the weird headspace I get into when I read things that make me uncomfortable in specific ways. Happens with books about the afterlife, or books with significant disappointment or secondhand embarassment — and, apparently, longfic series about [redacted ship] involving [redacted trope]. I read so goddamn much fic today -- a really long fic series and a few others -- but I didn’t realize the affect it had on my mood — or, well, the extent of it — until the wifi went down and I couldn’t look for something to chase away the feeling. I have some things saved, but none of them are what I want and I’m frustrated. And upset, and I don’t get why. There’s nothing inherently wrong about the trope and ship (well, there is with the ship, but I can usually deal? I think), but there were some things in the fic that just — no, I can’t deal with this. I tried to read a fluffy genfic — loaded up before the wifi went down — but I hadn’t read it before, and while it doesn’t involve any of the same tropes… the writing style, and a few other elements, were so similar to the fic I was reading earlier that I couldn’t let my guard down. It was weird, I kept expecting the ship to happen and it didn’t but I kept thinking it would and I felt weird. It doesn’t help that one of the fics I read earlier had a really similar concept — involving de-aging — and it had that ship. And a really, really similar element — de-aging from the exact same point to the exact same point — was probably because the author of the one I read first was inspired by that one, but it still really freaked me out somehow. And I’m rambling. I just don’t want to go to bed and deal with this feeling.

Okay, long paragraph there. Working back; I did some writing on the original concept I mentioned yesterday, about 500 words. I finished the Watchmen movie, the last hour and fifteen minutes or so; it’s good, I guess, but a little violent for my taste. Short discussion in the group chat for the Musical Theatre Crew; we planned to go to Mexico over Christmas. Had therapy, and it was mostly good; talked about my life and the panto and stuff. And school, and I don’t want to deal with that ever. I’m kind of just feeling awful and off balance and I feel like I can’t deal with anything in my life at all. I’m just going to see if I maybe have some fic saved that’ll make me feel better? Ugh, I know two fics that I really want to read right now, because they’re pretty short and self-contained and don’t have anything remotely similar to the elements of the fic I read earlier, but I don’t have them saved so I guess I’ll just suffer? Well, I ended up rereading a fluffy almost-crack Jaytim fic and it worked even if I ended up staying on the computer till almost 3am.

bluegansey: peggy carter holding captain america's shield on a blue background (peggy carter blue)
As I write this, I am waiting for the wifi to come back online. I planned to open up a fic to read after it went down, but I didn’t make sure it was loaded before the wifi went off, and it wasn’t — so my mom turned it back on. That was about thirty minutes ago. It’s still not on. I don’t know whether to be worried or not. I’m sure it’ll come back… but when… I just want to reread this fic that made me believe in love. It’s so good. The romance is better than most romance novels I’ve read. And I need fluff because I feel like hell right now — just period stuff and also weird various pains in my body that are probably because of my period. And I can’t really focus and just feel so weird, overall.

I didn’t do anything today, lol, but I did rewatch Under The Red Hood because I love pain and I hate myself. I’m suffering, highkey. I watched a few episodes of The Office with my mom and brother, and god, that show is so AWKWARD. I mean, that’s meant to be the comedy or whatever, but god… it’s painful at times. Though I looked up a video about the first aid scene or whatever, and showed it to my mom and brother, and almost choked laughing. Also this video from The Office. Was good. I… really did nothing else except reread this one fic series and play candy crush. I also responded to a response to one of my shipping discourse posts. I felt awful at the time so my point sort of got away from me, but still. It’s a point I feel passionate about.

DID MY MOM LIE TO ME ABOUT TURNING THE WIFI BACK ON, OR SOMETHING? BECAUSE IT’S BEEN LIKE FORTY MINUTES, THIS ISN’T NORMAL. Oh! No, she didn’t. It was glitching out; I unplugged it (at her shouted request from her bedroom) and plugged it back in and it’s fine. Hey, I can actually put this online now! Nice.

anxiety!!!!

Nov. 5th, 2016 11:20 am
bluegansey: clarke griffin turned away on a green background (clarke griffin green)
I… was going to write tonight. I really was. But then I got a massive Anxiety (I was talking to someone on my discourse blog and it was perfectly neutral and all but I was still SUPER anxious) and my stomach is feeling weird from the anxiety, and my mom made me take melatonin already, so I guess I kinda have to go to bed soon. Probably should have a shower, too, I need the relaxation.
 
Idk if I mentioned it, but I set up a blog for my Problematic Ships. Which I won’t link on here because… problematic. Someone who follows me on my discourse blog (and my main, actually) asked me about it since I mentioned it last night, so I linked it and they followed it. Cue more anxiety, since right now it’s… not much. But yeah. Anyway!
 
I had a call with my teacher today, and I ended up finishing one of the final projects for PE/Planning 10 (the Planning one). I researched universities, realized how incredibly impossible it would be for me to get into Oxford, and realized that university looks so damn hard. I don’t know if I can do that. Feels like a lot of pressure. But that… happened. And my mom pulled out the yoga mats and got me to do planks and stretches and I’m annoyed. And I made curry/chicken/celery salad for dinner!
 
Reread this fic, and god, I love it, and I would comment and pour my love into it some more, except the author just lost a lot of writing (I follow them on other social medias) and idk if that would make them feel worse or better. I feel so bad for them, actually — I lost 8k of writing over the summer, and I eventually retrieved it, and it was written in a week, and I can’t even imagine how awful it would feel to lose over 30k. But… yeah. Also spent the whole day getting out-of-order AO3 emails; I guess they fixed that glitch? Yeah. I didn’t publish a fic for Snaibsel week since it’s not finished yet, but I’m planning on working more and finishing out the week later! And I also spent the whole day feeling sad over Lead On by Phillip Phillips because it's upbeat but the lyrics. Oh, god, the lyrics. I'm in so much pain.

 

Sigh. Idk. I’m just going to take a shower now… I spent like ten minutes sorting screenshots that I hadn’t sorted yet to procrastinate, but the melatonin is kicking in and I need sleep. ETA: I also reread another fic that I can't link for Reasons while I was in bed to try and help with my anxiety. It... didn't really work.

bluegansey: leia organa holding blaster and looking determined on a red background (leia organa red)

 Well, I don't think I'm sick anymore. Traumatized, yes, because some asshole posted images of animal death and gore on my twitter timeline, and I nearly had a fucking breakdown. I had to watch an episode of B99 with my mom (the s3 one with rosa's engagement party) and read some fluffy Obianidala fic to calm down. And then I read more unlinkable for reasons fic. I can say that it was partially a stripper AU and also in first-person, and I hate both of those things -- actually, I had it marked for later a couple of weeks ago, saw that it was first-person, and noped out -- but it was actually good. It was also a soulmate AU, so there was that element that I love (and it was complex, too! With worldbuilding!!! Holy shit, okay, it was great) and it was overall surprisingly good. I also wrote a fic for my own novel, the first semi-explicit thing I've ever written in my life. I think either the sex rant yesterday was really effective at helping me with my Issues or I'm just too tired and have read too much fic today to be embarrassed. And, I mean, it's probably closer to an M rating -- I have Issues with using certain words if I have to type or say them, and most of those words would make it explicit -- but still. It had choking. Actually, that was the whole point of the entire fic. I'm not even into choking -- I mean, I sometimes like it in fic, but that's it. Anyway, cutting this off for length and moving on.

I also went deep into my drafts to clear them a little and it was kinda freeing but my drafts are still so full and I'm Anxiety. I found this Barriss Offee Betrayal masterpost thing and ended up reading all the meta and some of the fics linked on it. I read Pity (it was so good and so painful) and added Reforging to read later. I've read ANOISTM before, same with The One Where Barriss Is A Model Padawan, I read Kobayashi Maru (so sweet and then Painful if you actually think about it), added The Best-Laid Plans to read later, and I've read the coffeeshop AU. Overall that was really exciting. The other major draft -- the oldest draft that I had that's a reblog and not an original post, actually -- was this story about a princess and a tower. There were also various videos (one of them was The Greatest, the Sia song, and oh god that was painful in a very real way), a post about worldbuilding language in fantasy, and a theoretical Anakin and Rex deaged slave children AU headcanon post. That was... a lot.

Oh! I also made aesthetics for three of my OCs. It was fun to play around in Photoshop again. I might post them; if so I'll link them to here. And... not much else, I guess? I sorta browsed a lot of fic. And just now I also wrote a tiny bit more for Snaibsel week day 2 (halloween) but not enough to note -- less than 100 words, I think. And my mom either forgot to turn off the wifi or left it on because I was so upset earlier. Oh boy, I am Not excited to go to bed and have nothing to distract me from what I saw!!! I fucking love dying.

bluegansey: wonder woman with a hood over her head holding her lasso (Default)

 I guess I'm just avoiding looking at Firefox (since I keep all my school stuff there for Ease of Access) and pretending that nothing is happening? I probably need to meet with my teacher if I'm going to be doing this class, but I have literally no energy left to even try. I want to. I just. Can't. Everything is hard at this point. I have a very poor memory, but I can't remember the last time my depression took so much of my energy. My therapist did say that it might have something to do with it being sunny and me being oversensitive to it, but I don't think most summers are like this -- I mean, last year when I was at the Point for a week, I read an entire novel every single day I was there. All new books -- not rereads -- and mostly over 400 pages. I haven't read an entire book in weeks, just thinking about that is tiring and makes me feel even worse. At least I read comics this weekend until I couldn't anymore. I read a little bit of Kenobi today, actually -- my brother was using the computer and I had run out of lives in Candy Crush. I could barely remember what's going on since I started reading it weeks ago, but it's not that complicated, I guess.

Also went to see Finding Dory! I really liked it. It made me sad, like every single children's movie ever. Adult movies never have that effect on me, I really don't get it. Like, I'm still sad about that squirrel in Ice Age who couldn't get his acorn. STILL SAD! There was a trailer for the new Ice Age movie, which looks... kind of ridiculous... but the scene with the squirrel and the acorn made me sad because I'm still emotional. Also the beginning of Finding Nemo made me cry every time as a kid. I distinctly remember watching it in class when I was in first grade and crying so much that I had to go and colour while everyone else watched the movie. Anyway! Finding Dory was good.

 

spoilers )

Also went on tumblr hiatus, since I'm going to Ontario next weekend. Kind of early to go on hiatus since it's for a week, but since I'm going to the Point at the end of the month, I want to space out the hiatuses as much as I can. Also, I need a break from tumblr, I can't deal with the Ace Discourse anymore. I swear to god, if I see another post calling cishet aces disgusting oppressors and claiming that acephobia isn't a thing and saying that "cishets are invading our safe spaces" I'm going to kill someone. It's also not great to hear that as a probably-ace person. I cannot figure out if I'm actually ace or just have massive personal issues regarding sex. I've been thinking about it all day since I had a dream related to the issue and now I'm just stressed and don't know what I'm supposed to do. I know I shouldn't be pressured to identify, but I feel so awful about it. I feel like I need to make an entire post about it, but one of my issues is that talking about it in detail would be physically painful, so I will not.

This is getting long, so quickly -- read over some older writing from the story with ghosts and reapers, got sad that I have no plot to write, and tried to write and stopped after one sentence. Also tried subscribing to more people and I'm doing it so slowly, I feel like that's weird. I just don't know the etiquette and it's sort of weird to start on a new site that I know nothing about. Anyway. I should go to bed.

bluegansey: wonder woman with a hood over her head holding her lasso (Default)

 Today feels like... the pinnacle of achievement, which is honestly kind of sad. I went for a ten minute bike ride -- though I had to spend probably half an hour looking for a bike and a helmet. The reason it was so short was because I was using my brother's bike and while I was riding the seat suddenly twisted -- I think it wasn't tightened enough. So I just went home, but! I can bike now! It's been well over a year since I even tried, so. I also found a plastic Darth Maul cup in my dad's garage -- like, a big one that you would get at Playland or something. There was a straw that went through his back, it was hilarious. I never go into my dad's garage for long because it's a DISASTER, but I saw it on an upper shelf and just went WHAT MY DAD HAS A DARTH MAUL FIGURINE (I could only see the head) and had to get it down to look at it.

Also went on tumblr at, like, five, which is RIDICULOUSLY EARLY FOR ME. And that's kind of sad. But yeah! I used to do that every day -- go on about twice, once in the afternoon and once at night -- but I kind of? Stopped? And I wish I hadn't, because it's so much better and easier. I want to keep going with it if I can. I also made a discourse blog, and I haven't posted any Opinions™ yet, but I hope to soon. I have some opinions that I want to share. But I don't want to lose followers. Perfect solution. I spent so long on the theme as well. Okay. Also my mom picked up some butter chicken for dinner and I'm so happy about it because I love that particular butter chicken place, but we never go there or get takeout from there anymore because it's "expensive" and "unhealthy". Also went for a walk with my mom + the dog! Very fun.

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bluegansey: wonder woman with a hood over her head holding her lasso (Default)
Nicola

July 2017

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