bluegansey: harley quinn with a baseball bat across her shoulders and blowing bubblegum on a brown background (harley quinn brown)

I keep feeling like I have nothing to say anymore in these entries, but eh, it’s whatever. I just want to sleep. I should write, but… I need to edit Lights 4 and I need wifi for that. And I feel kind of awful, mental-health wise, and… I should go to bed. Have a shower or whatever.

Choir rehearsal today, and it was… fine? I guess? My mom couldn’t drive me so I took transit and I thought I would be late, but I wasn’t. I had to walk back as well, so I stopped at the library to take out The Secret History and the mall for dinner and Starbucks. I started rereading this fic as well on the way. And I reread this fic later — just now, actually. And I spent like two hours going through the aesthetic blog for that series and feeling awful for the writer since she lost a ton of writing in that verse. And also for me because I want to read more of that fic, goddamn it. I guess for posterity it’s at six chapters now. And the ending of chapter 6 is wonderful and PAINFUL and I need more like I need air and whoops, cutting this off now.

I got out TSH because for some reason my mind was like ‘okay but Batfam TSH fusion’ and now I want to write that. I still have to figure out everyone’s roles — Tim is Henry, I think, but that’s the only one that’s been consistent, I think Jason is Richard and Damian is Bunny but still subject to change — and figure out how I’d write it without being the same as TSH word-for-word, but yeah. Maybe that can be my next project after Lights. If I ever finish it… I’m kidding, I will finish that story if it kills me, it just might be a while.

I’m also feeling kind of weird about school — earlier tonight my brain was like “hey you should just go back to school you’ll graduate from high school if you do that” and like, yeah, I will, but at what cost? I tweeted about it, probably more flippantly than I should have, but eh. I’ve been suicidal since I was eleven, I can joke about it if it makes me feel better. And then I suddenly remembered that the last time I shared a bed with someone, it was with my mom in Hamilton and she told me that I cuddle in my sleep. And that horrified me to the point where I damn near slept on the floor the next night. I don’t know why I don’t feel comfortable touching people and feel basically sick to my stomach when people hug me, but I feel like I need to figure it out because it’s an Issue and I don’t understand. Well, I have some sense of what it might stem from, but that’s an issue I’m not ever touching with a ten-foot pole.

bluegansey: peggy carter holding captain america's shield on a blue background (peggy carter blue)

What is… today… I am Confused and Tired. Some writing just now, new concept — Jaydick AU where Jason is Tim’s best man and Dick is the wedding organizer. Or something. I’ve been thinking about it for a few days and I’m finally writing it a little. 731 words of the first scene, and I think the scene is done. I can’t work anymore on Lights until chapter 4 is back from beta, but I reread a few scenes from the later chapters just for fun. And reread my fic Peace Is A Lie. It’s better than I remember, actually. It’s nice to reread my own stuff.

Other than that… I didn’t do much? Reread/read a fair amount of unlinkable fic, talked to my mom about how terrible antis are and how they are causing me massive anxiety and distress and even made me suicidal a while back, and she basically agreed with me about how what you read doesn’t define your real-world morality. And that sort of led to a discussion about how polyamory (she called it polygamy and I didn’t really correct her) shouldn’t be illegal and stuff. And I mentioned that I heard my brother saying… things… but not what he said and I told her to check my twitter if she really wants to know. He said the f slur, by the way. I think. Not 100% sure, but. And today I heard him joking about the holocaust, so there’s… that. I’m actually kind of terrified that he’ll call himself alt-right at some point and I’ll have to deal with having a neo-nazi white nationalist as a brother. I don’t know how I can deal with that, so I’m just… hoping it’s just talk.

My dog ate my entire brownie, and that was terrifying. I was home alone at the time, my mom out at a thing, so I called her and gave her a vet’s number to call because I can’t call people. The dog is going to be fine, just a little sick, so that’s… good. But it was scary. And I also made a memes pinterest board.

bluegansey: close-up of ahsoka tano looking down and to the left (ahsoka tano gray)

 Went to Zoe's today and we talked about a lot of things -- Star Wars, various books, The Raven Cycle SW AU (which I was working on just now), shipping, TV Tropes, writing, femslash, etc. Spent about six hours doing that because we can literally talk forever. On a related note, I finished editing Lights 1! Later than I would have hoped, but I think I'll publish tomorrow. I am very nervous. But excited! But nervous.

The TRC SW AU is actually pretty exciting. Featuring Jedi!Blue, who can enhance the power of other Force users but is a mediocre Jedi herself, Jedi!Ronan whose dreams are strangely accurate, Senator!Gansey who is oddly fascinated by the legend of a long-dead Jedi master named Glendower, Senate Aide!Adam who worked his way from nothing to be an aide and who will stop at nothing for success and who is also Force-sensitive, and Force Ghost!Noah who was murdered as a Jedi padawan by his best friend who had turned to the dark side. Also featuring Jedi Masters Maura (human), Calla (Togruta) and Persephone (half-Arkanian), Sith lords Kavinsky (Zabrak) and Piper (Zeltron), and bounty hunters Gray Man (human, probably) and Greenmantle (human). I... love this au. I need to finish a few more things before sending it to Zoe, but I think this could be something.

Watched a few episodes of Clone Wars -- the first two Lux episodes and the third episode in the Fives arc, which I started a while ago and never finished. I'm actually only halfway through it now. I am reminded of how much I dislike Lux -- I mean, christ, please don't kiss someone without their permission. Especially if you aren't even dating. Also, Lux/Ahsoka seems FORCED AS HELL. WHY DOES SHE HAVE A BOYFRIEND WHEN BARRISSOKA IS RIGHT THERE. I don't get it. I am also reminded of my worst fear for the Ahsoka novel -- that she'll have a major romantic plotline. Please, Star Wars gods, please don't let that happen to her. Please let my lesbian daughter live.

bluegansey: close-up of ahsoka tano looking down and to the left (ahsoka tano gray)

 This is very prequels/TCW oriented, I realize. I've split it into Lightsverse and not Lightsverse. Some of these have already been talked about, some parts of this list have already been posted.

Other ideas — Lights:
  • Vader almost captures Ahsoka oneshot, mirrors Jedi Who Knew scene (I want her alive!). 4-5k.
  • Leia and Luke go on an interplanetary road trip and meet Han on Corellia. Space pirates? Mostly fun, projected: 10k
  • Dark!Leia: AU where Luke dies, Leia goes dark and becomes Maul’s Sith apprentice. Plot? Maybe. If so, 35-40k, if not 10-15k.
  • Various slices of life in the missing fifteen years — mostly Obidala, maybe a few sad Vader scenes
  • Unspoken — non-canon ship, Obi-Wan/Luminara maybe?
  • Under the Surface — Rexsoka oneshot
  • Something more with the Barrissoka snippet
  • Cute Luke/Ezra oneshot
Other ideas — other:
  • Obikin w/ Lady!Obi-Wan
  • TFA mirrorverse-ish — Rey Solo, Rey & Ben role reversal, Finnrey — maybe JSP?
  • That one where Ahsoka really did bomb the Jedi temple, along with Barriss, and they become Sith girlfriends and terrorize the galaxy together
  • Space Disneyland mission fic — idk who yet
  • ETA: May 29th (2am): Modern Obianidala AU -- Senator Padmé, Military Obi-Wan and Anakin (Generals) and Ahsoka (Anakin's foster sister who also joined the military because of him)
Um, yeah. Probably going to be more. Just a masterpost as of now.


bluegansey: wonder woman with a hood over her head holding her lasso (Default)

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