I keep feeling like I have nothing to say anymore in these entries, but eh, it’s whatever. I just want to sleep. I should write, but… I need to edit Lights 4 and I need wifi for that. And I feel kind of awful, mental-health wise, and… I should go to bed. Have a shower or whatever.
Choir rehearsal today, and it was… fine? I guess? My mom couldn’t drive me so I took transit and I thought I would be late, but I wasn’t. I had to walk back as well, so I stopped at the library to take out The Secret History and the mall for dinner and Starbucks. I started rereading this fic as well on the way. And I reread this fic later — just now, actually. And I spent like two hours going through the aesthetic blog for that series and feeling awful for the writer since she lost a ton of writing in that verse. And also for me because I want to read more of that fic, goddamn it. I guess for posterity it’s at six chapters now. And the ending of chapter 6 is wonderful and PAINFUL and I need more like I need air and whoops, cutting this off now.
I got out TSH because for some reason my mind was like ‘okay but Batfam TSH fusion’ and now I want to write that. I still have to figure out everyone’s roles — Tim is Henry, I think, but that’s the only one that’s been consistent, I think Jason is Richard and Damian is Bunny but still subject to change — and figure out how I’d write it without being the same as TSH word-for-word, but yeah. Maybe that can be my next project after Lights. If I ever finish it… I’m kidding, I will finish that story if it kills me, it just might be a while.
I’m also feeling kind of weird about school — earlier tonight my brain was like “hey you should just go back to school you’ll graduate from high school if you do that” and like, yeah, I will, but at what cost? I tweeted about it, probably more flippantly than I should have, but eh. I’ve been suicidal since I was eleven, I can joke about it if it makes me feel better. And then I suddenly remembered that the last time I shared a bed with someone, it was with my mom in Hamilton and she told me that I cuddle in my sleep. And that horrified me to the point where I damn near slept on the floor the next night. I don’t know why I don’t feel comfortable touching people and feel basically sick to my stomach when people hug me, but I feel like I need to figure it out because it’s an Issue and I don’t understand. Well, I have some sense of what it might stem from, but that’s an issue I’m not ever touching with a ten-foot pole.