bluegansey: allison argent laughing and smiling with a pink background (allison argent pink)

 I ACTUALLY GOT WRITING DONE. ON LIGHTS. IT'S BEEN MONTHS. I FINISHED EDITING CHAPTER FIVE AND TOMORROW I'M SENDING IT TO BETA AND AHHHHHHHHHHH. I'm actually feeling The Star Wars Vibe right now, and I actually want to catch up on Rebels and finish this damn story and WHAT IS THIS. GOD. My body is READY. I mean. I'm still feeling awful mentally (for Discourse Reasons) and tired all the time (for No Reason) but still. This is good. Caring about SW is good.

I also... I dunno, man. My mom got back from Seattle, Zoe came over and we talked about discourse and shipping and sexuality and all kinds of fun stuff, and I made brownie batter and also an undercooked egg/pepper/onions/bacon/cheese thing, and facetimed with my dad, and not much else.

bluegansey: amy pond holding a book with a yellow background (amy pond yellow)
mental illness bullshit )
bluegansey: close-up of ahsoka tano looking down and to the left (ahsoka tano gray)

 Nothing happened today, which is A Problem because school tomorrow and I need to do things. I was going to bake but my mom didn't go the grocery store until 8 at night and then she forgot my ingredients (since I ALSO asked for salad ingredients and it was just too much I guess) and I just. died

Actually today was kind of scary, mental-health wise. I couldn't do... anything. I was lying on my bed refreshing social media bc the idea of reading made my skin crawl and I was just... doing that. I also can't use headphones for some reason?? It just makes me feel twitchy rn so I'm not listening to anything rn. I was listening to this on repeat earlier though. I still need to watch a movie for school. And I haven't washed my hair in a week. And I'm dying but whatever it's cool it's all fine. Oh and my "sort of callout post" (not the actual callout but a post that's apparently... proof of me being an Evil Pedophile Apologist) is getting more notes and someone sent me a message saying that I support children being molested so that was awful and disgusting. And my dad called me to bitch about how people can't incite violence on college campuses and how "free speech" (however he means that) is more important than making sure bigots can't spread their opinions. And I'm just.... tired. I don't want to go to school tomorrow but also if I don't I'll just lay around doing nothing and my brain will be screaming and I'll be dead.

bluegansey: leia organa holding blaster and looking determined on a red background (leia organa red)

 Well, things happened today. Significant things. Basically I got a "callout" for pointing out that mentally ill people cannot control intrusive thoughts and also that shipping is fine. So I'm now officially a Pedophile Apologist™ and I got my first anon hate. It was pretty basic, just "you're disgusting", but still. I was laughing about it mostly but now I'm kind of... upset... and I feel like I'm gonna break down as soon as I go to bed. So that's fun. I was talking to Rie and Sasha about it a bit but... it helped and then it was over and so it wasn't helping. And I kinda just need to cry, probably, because god, I'm so tired.

Other things, just quickly -- I finished formatting this fic on Sigil and now it's an epub! I'm so glad that non-ao3/ffn fics can now go on my kobo. A bit of effort, sure, but it can still happen. I read over the Bad Thing I wrote last night and it's lowkey terrible but whatever. Janna was here, we went to Costco for food, it was good. And my brother and I are trying to convince my mom that adopting a cat (his friend's cat had kittens) would be in our best interests.

ETA: I also wrote 370 words of a Bad Ship concept. it's bad. i don't care.
bluegansey: isabelle lightwood on a starry blue background (isabelle lightwood blue)

 I was almost not going to make an entry today because 80% of my day was something I don't want to discuss publicly (a lifestyle forum thing) but I actually wrote today!!! After... so goddamn long. 1.2k, finishing up a story for Snaibsel week (which was at the end of October *ugly laughter* hey at least now it can double for Femslash February). It's for day 6 (magic) and it's... not much related to the prompt, but it's a pretty open prompt? So I'm not that worried. It's really angsty, though, and deals a lot with Wally's death. So there's that. But I'm pretty proud of it I think?

cut for length, discourse, and Personal )

Minor good things? Other than writing. This happened. And this -- well the second one happened first actually but oh well. And yeah? I'm also rereading this because the other thing I was reading was getting explicit and I didn't want to read it in public.

bluegansey: clarke griffin turned away on a green background (clarke griffin green)

I really don’t feel like sleep yet but. I sorta have nothing else to do. I want to read some things but I can’t so.

Okay but today was PRODUCTIVE. I edited that essay about anti-shipping that I wrote yesterday and sent it to my mom, who submitted it tonight. I also wrote 1,274 words of an original story with ghosts and a queer love story. It’s kinda sad at the beginning (there’s a ghost who died of suicide and he’s a teenager and it’s all Sad) but it ends happily. And it’s fluffy and gay. Im love it.

I tried, really goddamn tried, to clear up my fics-to-read. I went through my email and added a bunch to read later, took a few off of my read-later, finished one fic that was open in another window (I didn’t… love it… but it was okay) and Stuff. I feel like I’ve achieved so much today. And I washed my hair, too! Miracle of miracles. I’m shook. I also reread a not-linkable soulmate/stripper AU concept that I LOVE and would pay actually money for more of. It’s incomplete *sad face* but hopefully the author will finish it. God, I hope the author finishes it.

Not… much else? My brother had an appointment so he skipped school and I was alone for a lot of the day (also later tonight he had floor hockey and my mom went out for coffee so I was alone then too) and it was Real Nice. I also went on tumblr earlier and back on a few times, which is honestly a much more efficient way of doing this tumblr thing, but it means that I was online at the same time as one of my mutuals who I feel like I need to soft block and unfollow because they’re an anti. And oh god, it was so uncomfortable. I was so Upset, actually and I feel so bad but also like. Pls stop. Antis… stop.

bluegansey: allison argent laughing and smiling with a pink background (allison argent pink)

 This is the fourth day in a row or something where I've been out in the evening or day, and today it was both -- panto rehearsal (at the actual theatre now!) from one to almost five, and Philosopher's Cafe in the evening. I spent most of the panto rehearsal reading -- I finished my reread of this Superbat fic (ahh I still love it so much) and then I browsed my bookmarks to look for SFW fics to read on my phone, because someone leaned over my shoulder and said "good book?" during possibly the only mildly explicit scene in the entire fic. I don't know if they saw the actual story, but like... it was scary. So I managed to get through like six pages of bookmarks, and I came to realize just how many damn explicit fics I read. Like... DC is Something Else, I never expected this. I think the combination of having tons of quality fic and also not feeling sex repulsed for a long while (it's been so long... I don't even remember ever being sex repulsed but like that's just my shitty memory) and yeah. I don't know how I feel about it, who knows.

Philosopher's Cafe was good as well! There was a new person there, named Jason -- he doesn't live at the Point but has a vacation house there and yeah. He was pretty cool, I guess. There wasn't really a set theme for our discussion, so we talked about the weather, skiing, and like... various things? Don't really remember most of it. Zoe was there and we talked for a while after and it was good. And then I came home, basically -- after going to the grocery store and getting wine (my mom), mint m&ms (my mom), whoppers (me since they're not in Canada but I didn't want them atm and haven't had any yet. my brother tried to take some and made the excuse that they were for his gerbils... he should not be allowed to parent) and a blueberry Tillamook yogurt cup (me, because I fucking love tillamook and they don't have it in Canada). Also weird thing: when we were crossing the border, we saw a bunch of border cops standing in the middle of the road in front of the way back to Canada and holding flashlights? Like??? I don't even know why. I'm confused. They were gone later though.

DISCOURSE! Of course. Someone made a condescending essay post (I mentioned it already I think) and I responded to it... because I'm a dumbass... and they didn't care, obviously, and someone else who responded to it replied to an earlier post I made about whether I should fight them or not. And they were really nice about it, and it turns out that the other person has a long history of suicide baiting and being a generally awful person. And yeah, I sorta had a fuckton of anxiety for a while, but this person helped me feel a bit better. Also someone else who I followed already/have talked to before (though they don't know I'm the same person as my sideblogs... ahhh shit I need to tell them but also how) responded as well and I just feel??? Better now??? It's nice. I guess. Anyway it's 2:40 and I am GOING TO BED. And wow, I made a lot tags on this... today was busier than I thought... oh I also watched an episode of The Office with my mom and brother, though my mom left halfway through to pick up my dad. It was the one with a fire and Michael sexually harassing the temp guy. It was okay. Okay I'm legit gonna sleep now my hands are shaking almost too much to type

bluegansey: peggy carter holding captain america's shield on a blue background (peggy carter blue)

What is… today… I am Confused and Tired. Some writing just now, new concept — Jaydick AU where Jason is Tim’s best man and Dick is the wedding organizer. Or something. I’ve been thinking about it for a few days and I’m finally writing it a little. 731 words of the first scene, and I think the scene is done. I can’t work anymore on Lights until chapter 4 is back from beta, but I reread a few scenes from the later chapters just for fun. And reread my fic Peace Is A Lie. It’s better than I remember, actually. It’s nice to reread my own stuff.

Other than that… I didn’t do much? Reread/read a fair amount of unlinkable fic, talked to my mom about how terrible antis are and how they are causing me massive anxiety and distress and even made me suicidal a while back, and she basically agreed with me about how what you read doesn’t define your real-world morality. And that sort of led to a discussion about how polyamory (she called it polygamy and I didn’t really correct her) shouldn’t be illegal and stuff. And I mentioned that I heard my brother saying… things… but not what he said and I told her to check my twitter if she really wants to know. He said the f slur, by the way. I think. Not 100% sure, but. And today I heard him joking about the holocaust, so there’s… that. I’m actually kind of terrified that he’ll call himself alt-right at some point and I’ll have to deal with having a neo-nazi white nationalist as a brother. I don’t know how I can deal with that, so I’m just… hoping it’s just talk.

My dog ate my entire brownie, and that was terrifying. I was home alone at the time, my mom out at a thing, so I called her and gave her a vet’s number to call because I can’t call people. The dog is going to be fine, just a little sick, so that’s… good. But it was scary. And I also made a memes pinterest board.

bluegansey: amy pond holding a book with a yellow background (amy pond yellow)

So for some reason I decided to bake after my mom went to bed? I made brownies. I put them away and washed everything. It’s drying now and I’ll put it away before I go to bed. I kinda wanna see whether she notices that I made brownies or not. I also reread a fic — the last fic in a fic series that made me BELIEVE IN LOVE. It’s just so beautiful and pure and cavity-inducing fluff. I cry.

A few other fics were read, as well, but not as many as the rest of this week because my body seems to be falling apart around me. I got this agonizing sharp pain in my abdomen, like a period cramp but I’m not on my period. (When I told my mom, she asked if I was pregnant. I’m definitely not pregnant unless I’m the fucking Virgin Mary reborn. Which she knows. God.) And then I laid in bed and watched two whole episodes of Supergirl, in my underwear and bra because clothes were irritating me, and now I’m four episodes in! I cannot binge watch. It’s an attention thing. But when you’re in so much pain that lying down is the only viable option, it’s surprisingly easy to pay attention. Anyway, after that I had dinner and got sick halfway through and couldn’t finish it. Which was just… great. But yeah. I had a bowl of brownie batter; it wasn’t as sweet as that fic I was reading, but it was pretty damn nice.

I also did Writing Things? Sent chapter 4 of Lights to beta. Idk how long it’ll be, but soon. Soon. I can finally publish it. And maybe stop feeling so goddamn guilty all the goddamn time. That would be… nice. Also I had an Anxiety thing for two reasons: someone whose content I’ve reblogged was outed as an abuser and anti-self-dx person, and a bunch of people basically… shunned her, and it was really kind of scary and anxiety-inducing because I followed a lot of people involved in it. I didn’t follow her, but… it was terrifying, almost. And then I saw that someone I follow — someone who I’ve seen involved in anti-anti stuff, who follows my discourse blog AND my problematic ship blog — reblogged a post from an anti blog that causes me unspeakable anxiety. I think it’s probably just that she followed them a while ago and didn’t realize what side of the Discourse they were on, but… that blog has so much incredibly self-righteous smugness and bullshit (such as “you can’t ship this CANON ship because it’s bad in some continuities” and “you’re an Unsafe Blog if you ship literally the most popular ship in the entire fandom”, and all of this linked from their damn description and sidebar, so anyone who goes on the blog will see it) that it made me have an anxiety attack last time I saw it, and. Yeah. I feel awful about it, but I’m trying not to think about it. God, I shouldn’t have written about this; I was in such a good mood. Oh well, I’ll do dishes and go to bed and try not to think about it some more.

bluegansey: wonder woman with a hood over her head holding her lasso (Default)

 I guess I'm just avoiding looking at Firefox (since I keep all my school stuff there for Ease of Access) and pretending that nothing is happening? I probably need to meet with my teacher if I'm going to be doing this class, but I have literally no energy left to even try. I want to. I just. Can't. Everything is hard at this point. I have a very poor memory, but I can't remember the last time my depression took so much of my energy. My therapist did say that it might have something to do with it being sunny and me being oversensitive to it, but I don't think most summers are like this -- I mean, last year when I was at the Point for a week, I read an entire novel every single day I was there. All new books -- not rereads -- and mostly over 400 pages. I haven't read an entire book in weeks, just thinking about that is tiring and makes me feel even worse. At least I read comics this weekend until I couldn't anymore. I read a little bit of Kenobi today, actually -- my brother was using the computer and I had run out of lives in Candy Crush. I could barely remember what's going on since I started reading it weeks ago, but it's not that complicated, I guess.

Also went to see Finding Dory! I really liked it. It made me sad, like every single children's movie ever. Adult movies never have that effect on me, I really don't get it. Like, I'm still sad about that squirrel in Ice Age who couldn't get his acorn. STILL SAD! There was a trailer for the new Ice Age movie, which looks... kind of ridiculous... but the scene with the squirrel and the acorn made me sad because I'm still emotional. Also the beginning of Finding Nemo made me cry every time as a kid. I distinctly remember watching it in class when I was in first grade and crying so much that I had to go and colour while everyone else watched the movie. Anyway! Finding Dory was good.

 

spoilers )

Also went on tumblr hiatus, since I'm going to Ontario next weekend. Kind of early to go on hiatus since it's for a week, but since I'm going to the Point at the end of the month, I want to space out the hiatuses as much as I can. Also, I need a break from tumblr, I can't deal with the Ace Discourse anymore. I swear to god, if I see another post calling cishet aces disgusting oppressors and claiming that acephobia isn't a thing and saying that "cishets are invading our safe spaces" I'm going to kill someone. It's also not great to hear that as a probably-ace person. I cannot figure out if I'm actually ace or just have massive personal issues regarding sex. I've been thinking about it all day since I had a dream related to the issue and now I'm just stressed and don't know what I'm supposed to do. I know I shouldn't be pressured to identify, but I feel so awful about it. I feel like I need to make an entire post about it, but one of my issues is that talking about it in detail would be physically painful, so I will not.

This is getting long, so quickly -- read over some older writing from the story with ghosts and reapers, got sad that I have no plot to write, and tried to write and stopped after one sentence. Also tried subscribing to more people and I'm doing it so slowly, I feel like that's weird. I just don't know the etiquette and it's sort of weird to start on a new site that I know nothing about. Anyway. I should go to bed.

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bluegansey: wonder woman with a hood over her head holding her lasso (Default)
Nicola

July 2017

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