bluegansey: clarke griffin turned away on a green background (clarke griffin green)

 I think I really am sick, and that's where I've been for the past two days. I'm exhausted. Like, almost-fell-asleep-at-nine-pm-last-night exhausted. I've gotten a fine amount of sleep, so it's not that. And also I can't... breathe properly and it's getting worse. The doctor said it was probably from campfire smoke but I don't think so since... it's getting worse and I'm not near any smoke. I'm going to go to bed soon, hopefully it helps.

In other news... yesterday my [redacted device which makes me a tiny amount of money per month] broke, which is annoying, but I couldn't have brought it to Galiano anyway so it's not that big of a deal. And I also had a mental breakdown yesterday because my dad's friend made a "triggered" joke and I ended up crying and I still feel super emotional. And I didn't even pack until ten at night and it only took fifteen minutes but there was so much yelling and I just. I can't deal with this.

Anyway. I've download the ASOUE books and I'm going to start them while I'm away. And the Oscars sound great, though I wasn't watching -- the Moonlight thing? ICONIC. Truly beautiful. And I'm just gonna go finish reading some fic and go to bed.

bluegansey: leia organa holding blaster and looking determined on a red background (leia organa red)

 I need to sleep, but also like... posterity. I saw Hidden Figures today -- so good, so so good, I LOVED it. There was also a Thing where I was driving with my mom and there was a dog on the side of the road that was about to run onto the road -- the owner was approaching it slowly, and it didn't have a leash, and I Realized, and I sort of freaked out. The dog was fine -- the owner got to it and grabbed its collar as we passed them, but it was so terrifying. My mom says I got really pale and my heart didn't stop hammering for like ten minutes and I couldn't stop shaking and I almost cried. Something similar happened to me on Christmas day -- my dog ran into traffic and it was like a fucking miracle of God that she didn't get hit by a car (i'm agnostic but that almost made me believe) and one time a few months ago my mom hit a rabbit while we were driving and it was kinda similar to today's thing -- hesitating by the side of the road and then jumping in at the last second. That's what I was afraid of. And it didn't happen but yeah.

In other news, America is rapidly becoming a dystopia and I am so. Fucking. Terrified and highkey want to die. I ended up writing out my feelings with some original work and that was... something. It was really disturbing actually but if I'm writing I'm not doing it so that's. Good. Anyway I'm Tired and I should probably like. Sleep.

busy busy

Jan. 23rd, 2017 03:02 pm
bluegansey: padme amidala on a blue background (padme amidala blue)
It’s almost one and I am… not tired in the slightest. Not sure why. Shit kinda got real today with the school thing. My mom was going over the packing list and while I found it kinda hilarious that a knife is part of the required materials (my dad dug out this knife of my brother’s that I used to play with all the time and I’m doing that again. It’s so fun to flip open and shut) I sorta started to realize that oh fuck, this is happening. In a week. Ohgodohgodohgod. It’s mildly terrifying.

Because of this of course I was stressed as hell all day and I ended up baking Christmas crack again and almost had a breakdown because I couldn’t get the sugar and butter to mix properly. And I managed to convince my mom to buy me gum despite having a complete ban on chew it — I just. Needed it so badly because I need to chew something and right now it’s the skin around my nails and it fucking hurts a lot. I miss gum so much. I want to find some sort of fidget toy to fill the void, but I’m not really hopeful. Also the grocery store didn’t have pomegranates but I managed to get bread. And underripe mangoes.


bluegansey: clara oswald looking at the sky in wonder (clara oswald black)

 I keep missing days. Uh. Depressive episode? I don't even know anymore. It's cool. It's fine.

But today something actually happened! I went to the Women's March in Vancouver with Leichelle. It was really cool, actually, and I got pictures (links to the other posts at the bottom). I've never been to anything like that before and it was really nice. Afterwards Leichelle and I got lunch and ice cream at the mall. I also was reading and idk if it's unproblematic so I can't link it but. It's a good fic. And another fic that I definitely can't link which is about a trope I hate but the idea sounded too interesting to pass up and yeah, I have to admit it was actually pretty good.

My parents' friends Janna and Didier (?) (still don't know how to spell his name because it's French) also ended up coming over -- they both live in the interior and Janna can't drive anymore so she sometimes drives down with him. And they (including my parents) are currently sitting in the living room and yelling at me to go to bed every couple of minutes.. It's... not going to work. It's not. I... also had a bubble bath (I haven't had one in years and idk why not it's so fun) and redid the theme on my Problematic ship blog (and because I don't know when to stop I also made a tags page and changed the icon/mobile theme) and yeah. Okay. I've hardly slept for two days so I should go to bed.


bluegansey: leia organa holding blaster and looking determined on a red background (leia organa red)

Today was basically flip-flopping between sadness and inescapable anxiety. Hearing about Carrie Fisher’s death was really painful, because she’s become an icon to me in the last year, and this was so soon after what seemed like a near-miss — they said she was in stable condition, so it seemed like she was the one to defy this hell year. Except, no. 2016 can fuck right off. And 2017 has the potential to be much, much worse with President Trump. I’m not goddamn ready.

On… other things… I woke up this morning to two messages regarding my sideblog — well, sort of, one was “is [redacted] your sideblog” from tumblr user sionis, and the other was “omg you found my problematic ships sideblog” from tumblr user finndamerons (prev. benafflecksgf). I spent most of the day procrastinating messaging back, and when I finally did there was a bit of talking! Which is Good. Also, random side note, but both of them used my first name in their initial messages. It was weird, I’m never used to people saying or writing my name. Sometimes I forget my own name, too… anyway. I recced a fic series that made me BELIEVE IN LOVE to sionis, and finndamerons and I just sorta talked. And it was good.

tw: self harm mention )

Also just now wrote 1,942 words of a Bad Ship soulmate concept that I mentioned a while ago. It only has one scene left, I think, but I’m not going to write it now, I need to sleep since my mom already got up once and I don’t want to see another parent right now.

bluegansey: allison argent laughing and smiling with a pink background (allison argent pink)

 Also a pretty good day, despite being a little stressful! I'm glad.

My parents had a very small Christmas party tonight, and I had panto, so I was away for most of it. The cleaning was stressful, because my mom gets stressed and then angry while cleaning, but it went pretty much smoothly. I helped make this chili dip recipe we always use, and she made jelly meatballs that I don't like because it has chili sauce and I know it's not ketchup but it smells like ketchup so I can't eat it without feeling sick. Panto went pretty well, actually, though it was different -- the person who calls cues, who used to spend the duration of the show at a standing desk next to the fly rail, moved to the front of house, so I had to actually respond over headset when she gave me my cues. It went better than I expected, and didn't end up being super stressful -- the Assistant Stage Manager (ASM) was also on headset for a lot of it, so that took some of the stress out of it. And the show went smoothly, except for the ASM leaving on some backstage lights for a while after intermission and also one of the actors knocking a tree into a wall. And at the end, the director of the show brought the crew onstage to describe our jobs and stuff. Which was surprisingly okay and made me glad I wore my black-and-white cat sweater instead of the black hoodie I've usually been wearing.

By the time I got home, the party was mostly winding down, so I just took some cookies and eggnog (christ, that's most of what I ate today... I am just Not Hungry? I ate like one proper meal total) into the living room and continued reading this Bluepulse fic. It's really good so far, with some great emotional gut-punch moments. I started reading it at the panto, and I'm still reading it. Can't wait to see how it ends. I also read another cute fic just now that I can't link, but it was sweet Christmas fluff and I'm so happy about it. It made me smile so much. Also random side note but two different people asked me what I was reading on my kobo. The first one -- another crew at the panto, Alyssa -- asked what book it was, and I said it wasn't a book and then went oh shit and said that it was for school. And she pointed out that it was winter break and I forced a laugh and said that I'm online schooled. Which is not a lie, just very misleading. And then it was someone at the party, my neighbour, and she didn't ask for specifics, so I just said "A book" and she was all "ah, Nicola the Avid Reader. You've probably read that like three times already, right?" and I forced a laugh again. Ahaha.

And the Carrie Fisher thing. All I can say is that I really, really hope she's okay. 2016, you've already taken so much. Please.

bluegansey: isabelle lightwood on a starry blue background (isabelle lightwood blue)
Well, today has been shitty (to say the least) but I just read the most adorable fic series and I can’t stop smiling, and I really needed that. So that’s one good thing.
So, election. The news is settling; I’m less crushed with sadness and fear and more numb. I sort of got my dad to understand part of why I was upset, I think, so I feel a little better about that. But mostly just… ugh. Ugh, ugh, ugh. I don’t want to deal; I only reblogged a couple of political posts onto my main blog, and they were mostly about self-care and positivity. My discourse blog was full of it, of course, but I didn’t want to think about it too much.
I sort of freaked out when my parents refused to take me to the grocery store. I almost got my dad to, and then my mom talked to him and he came back and lectured me on not “using sugar to dull the pain” and um, I’d rather use sugar than self-harm, so I took transit to the mall and got Greek food (from a different place than usual) and chocolate frosting and cake mix from the dollar store. I haven’t made the cake, actually — I just bought it so the cashier wouldn’t consider it too weird for me to be buying two containers of frosting. I almost came home, but I went to the wrong side of the transit thing… twice… the first time was right, I thought it was wrong, and god I’m annoyed. I’m usually at a station with only one direction. So I sort of sat outside and read my book and planned to wait there for hours, but my dad came to pick me up. Which I didn’t ask for, so idk why.
My mom also took me to a Thing — it’s about colour healing and stuff. I dunno. It was nice, but she was under the impression that it would cure my depression, and that car conversation turned into a massive fight and I ended up having to talk to my dad about being suicidal because of the election. And it was awful, and I wish I hadn’t brought up how I don’t trust my therapist anymore or the internet thing or medication or literally anything. And now I’m upset again. Fucking great.
bluegansey: amy pond holding a book with a yellow background (amy pond yellow)

Anyway, Trump is going to be president and I'm not even American and I'm terrified out of my goddamn mind. I haven't cried very much -- because it takes A LOT for me to actually cry -- but I broke down a few times and I just. I can't deal with this. I don't know how to deal with this and I can't believe that this happened. My dad is acting like this will make things BETTER and I... I don't know what to do. I literally can't remember the last time I felt this suicidal. If we owned a gun... I would have written my goddamn suicide note by now.  I am going to read fic until I don't have to think about this anymore.

I, uh, was going to say more about my day but nothing else really mattered. I stress-baked brownies and watched part of an episode of Grey's Anatomy with my mom. That's basically it. And my mom let me have a shot of rum and it's not helping at all.

bluegansey: close-up of ahsoka tano looking down and to the left (ahsoka tano gray)
I think I vaguely have writer’s block and I’m about 90% sure that it’s connected to the internet thing. Normally I would binge-read fic until I’m tired enough for creativity, but right now I’m way too awake and I don’t have anything I want to read. I wrote a bit of my epic fantasy novel and that’s pretty much it. I don’t want to to go to bed, because I’m not tired in the slightest, but I basically have no choice, so.
In other news: Young Justice season 3!!!!! I’m so happy. My twitter timeline and my tumblr dash were both full of YJ stuff. It was a nice distraction from the impending doom that is this election. I think there’s kind of a dark cloud over America right now. I am honestly so unbelievably tired of seeing stuff about the election and I NEED it to be over. I’ll just binge-watch YJ tomorrow and maybe bake something.
I’m getting lots of use out of my Problematic Ships blog. I went deep into a Bad Ship tag, and went into someone I follow’s tag for a different Bad Ship and found posts from like four years ago. And reblogged from source to (mostly) hide my stalking. It was good, actually — the actual ship tag I went into is now a ship I’m really into. I was only marginally into it before — now I just really love it, goddamn. I read a couple of REALLY GOOD fics as well and DIED. QUITE A LOT. I also reread this Jaydick fic — the one where Dick died instead of Jason and it’s all very emotional.
I was reading that last one on my phone, actually, as I went out with my mom — picked up some stuff and went to Costco. I got pizza, and when we got home, I somehow trapped the last slice between the car door and the fence. I don’t even know. I also convinced her to get taquitos and even though my brother ate mine initially, they were still good. And I tried eggnog for the first time this Christmas season! Free samples, gotta love ‘em. And I also got cranberry juice, which is actually surprisingly difficult.
bluegansey: close-up of ahsoka tano looking down and to the left (ahsoka tano gray)
 SO I WROTE 3.2K SOMEHOW. I don’t even know, man, it was kind of insane. Not all at once, but a good 2k (at least) in one session. It’s for Snaibsel week, Hunter/Witch prompt, which is apparently going to be longer than I thought. I guessed around 2-3k, and it’s 5k and probably not even halfway finished yet. I’m lowkey freaking out because I really don’t have the time, but hey. I’ll finish it. If I have to post it late, so be it.

Today was kind of a Bad Mental Health Day, I guess. I just felt overall pretty gross and guilty about not doing anything, and when I’m in that kind of mood it’s really hard to do anything, and so I just felt Bad. I went out grocery shopping with my mom and bought some nutella, but I didn’t even want it. (I also got gummy bears (because Rie mentioned them last night while we were talking and I was craving them all day) and chocolate-dipped sour keys. I don’t even like sour keys but it’s so good.) I also planned to make apple/curry/celery salad, but I just. Didn’t.

I read a couple of fics, but I also felt Bad about Not reading the ones I got an email about (I got, like, six AO3 emails today) so not that many. I also watched the presidential debate! It was… ungodly terrible. Like, Hillary called Trump a puppet of Russia, and he interrupted her to say “No, you’re the puppet. You’re the puppet.” Because apparently he’s actually just a kindergartener. And he bragged about not apologizing to his wife about the sexual assault scandal. And then there’s the whole, actually scary thing about how he said that he would “keep America in suspense” about whether he’d actually concede the election. Like… what the fuck. How the fuck. I am So Tired please let this End. AND I’M NOT EVEN AMERICAN.

bluegansey: peggy carter holding captain america's shield on a blue background (peggy carter blue)

 Somehow didn't manage to get to that SW prediction post, but tomorrow is a new day! I did... things... today... got piña colada mix and made a smoothie, made hamburger soup for dinner on my own, spent three hours downloading individual songs for my dad. I did a bit yesterday and finished today. 200+ songs. Individually. It was brain-numbing and exhausting but hey, I know what bands/singers my dad likes now. Bee Gees, Rod Stewart, Meat Loaf, REO Speedwagon, Bob Seger, and Shania Twain. There's definitely more I'm forgetting that I did a lot of, but. Sigh.

All social media right now is really hard to look at, because of the fact that there have been TWO police shootings of black men in the last two days. Both recorded on video. I didn't watch the videos, but from what I've heard: Alton Sterling, from two days ago (I think, I'm exhausted, forgive me if I'm wrong) was pinned against a police car and disarmed before being shot multiple times in the back. In Louisiana. Which is a state where you can carry guns. If you're white. And yesterday, Philando Castile was pulled over for a broken taillight, with his child (daughter, I think, and a toddler, I also think) in the back seat and his girlfriend in the passenger seat. His girlfriend filmed everything: he told the police he had a gun and was licensed, they asked him to reach for his ID, he did and they killed him.

I'm just. Speechless. Because I can't fucking imagine living in fear of that, being white. I can't comprehend that it's the 21st century and something like this can happen and nothing will be done, because even if it trends and thousands are speaking out about their rage, in the end, it'll be ignored and the murderers will go back to working as if nothing happened. I just don't even know what else to say.


bluegansey: wonder woman with a hood over her head holding her lasso (Default)

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