bluegansey: peggy carter holding captain america's shield on a blue background (peggy carter blue)

 So my stomach suddenly hurts like hell and I need to make this quick. My hands are shaking, I can't focus, it's awful.

I actually wanted to read books today, so I ended up going to the library around seven-ish. I got out some Tamora Pierce books and a trashy YA romance novel I read a few years ago (the Bad Boy Love Interest is named Damen. I know it's trashy. I accept it and hope it's not too heteronormative) and happened to see on a shelf. Before that I was just kinda... drifting... putting books on hold mostly and working on a the school application thing. I think it'll be done tomorrow, but my focus in general is kinda gone, so.

Still not writing down the numbers for tumblr; it's massively anxiety-inducing. I know that soon I have to stop using my queue, but that's a huge and terrifying step; I'm not quite there yet. Sometime. Also I'm reading stuff and can't link it. I can say that I started reading Grayson Vol 2 and it's pretty good. I really think I ship Dick and Midnighter now. Also I don't think I said so but yesterday I made new pinterest boards for two of my OCs -- Celia and Jared -- and a Social Justice board. So that's something.

bluegansey: isabelle lightwood on a starry blue background (isabelle lightwood blue)

 Other than a couple of mental breakdowns, today was actually pretty good. I finished reading The Martian, ate an entire pomegranate, browsed some fic tags, caught up on a couple of fic update emails (although, Christ, I still have a lot) and just basically lounged around because NO PANTO TODAY. IT'S BEEN AN ENTIRE WEEK. I deserve this break, goddamnit.

Mental breakdowns, though. Ha. Ha. Uh, I was making chicken/curry/apple salad, and my brother left an open can of cat food in the middle of the stove and locked himself in the bathroom immediately after. And I sort of screamed and shoved it into a pile of water bottles and ended up sitting on the floor and hyperventilating and honestly what the fuck, brain. And then my mom was all "you know you're being COMPLETELY UNREASONABLE" like yes, mother, i fucking know. i Know. doesn't make it any easier. And yeah. That's pretty much it. I'm going to put some longfic I downloaded on my kobo and go to bed. Also I answered these writing questions.

bluegansey: harley quinn with a baseball bat across her shoulders and blowing bubblegum on a brown background (harley quinn brown)
Um. Moving on from that note. I didn’t publish my fic today for Snaibsel week, because — yikes — it’s not finished. I’ve decided to shelve it and finish whenever I can, probably as soon as this week is done and the next chapter of Lights is up. That chapter will be my priority as soon as I’m done all the writing and editing for this week. I finished up the Halloween one, with about 500 words and a bunch of editing. I’ll go through edits again tomorrow and then figure out a title. I want to go with something dumb, like Trick Or Treat, but also what if I want to write a Halloween AU again in the future? I cannot. It’s too basic.
 
Really… not much? That fic from before took up a lot of the day. It's Halloween tomorrow. Not much else.
bluegansey: leia organa holding blaster and looking determined on a red background (leia organa red)

 Okay, it's just past 2am as I type this and the only obvious symptom of tiredness I'm feeling is vague mental confusion. Like how a little while ago I saw a fic on AO3 tagged as Roy Harper/Jason Todd and my first thought was "Jason was barely in Young Justice why are you shipping him with Roy--ohhhhhh right". I have literally read Red Hood and the Outlaws, unlike about 99% of DC Comics, and yet. Uh, anyway. Sorta worrying. I mean, I'm also doing the thing where I get Overwhelmed By Feelings while reading fic and have to get up and walk in a circle before I can continue reading. (I was reading some fic that I will not link for reasons) But I'm not, like, actually tired. So that feels like a good sign. I got a fair amount of sleep (and had a weird dream involving running away from a hiking trip by going ahead on the same path that the group was taking. Uh, it made a little bit more sense in context. I think. I don't remember the context) and yeah, I'm rambling, moving on.

I thought I was going... somewhere today, but I wasn't, so I went with my mom to run some errands. Ended up going to Value Village and getting some long-sleeved shirts and a couple of pairs of jeans. I asked if I could go get more long-sleeved shirts and my mom made me go through all my clothes, and that's always traumatic because my hoarding tendencies get laid out in front of me and it's shameful. She made me get rid of a shirt I wear all the time just because there's a tiny hole in it. And then I had to admit that I'm keeping a ton of clothes that don't fit me and it was overall a Not Good experience. Anyway... while we were out, I was reading this fic (such a good) but also Watchmen, because I got it out of the library and now it's almost due back. I got a little bit into it (almost done chapter 2, I think) but was distracted by the fic. I hope I can finish it within the next two days, since the library increased the overdue fines and I cannot afford to pay $20 in fines again. We, uh, went to the library to pick up a hold as well and my mom's "e-card" didn't work. And we went to the grocery store, I got sad because no watermelons, I got some candy and I haven't eaten candy in a week so that's weird, and then we went to the dollar store and I got a hilarious card for my dad's birthday (along with two skor bars and a mars bar because chocolate. that's the third time I've gotten an excess of chocolate bars at that dollar store with that cashier, so that was a little awkward) and cutting off this paragraph now, whoops.

Caught up on The Great SW Rewatch -- at this point I think I'm going to stay caught up, mostly, because the idea of failure is horrific to me. The eps were the first Nightsisters arc -- 3.12 Nightsisters, 3.13 Monster, 3.14 Witches of the Mist -- and it was better than I remembered it being, honestly. Ventress is a really interest character, even if I don't especially like her. Though as much as I enjoyed the episodes, I will not stop being annoyed at the number of Nightsisters episodes we got (too many) compared to the number of Ahsoka and Rex, Obi-Wan and Ahsoka, or Padmé and Obi-Wan team-up episodes we got (none, on all counts). Like, come on TCW, you had this great opportunity and you DIDN'T USE IT. Ugh. Also rewatched YJ Bloodlines, which makes it the third time I've seen it. I just really love time travel tropes, shenanigans, and Bart Allen, so that episode is my aesthetic, basically. Even if there was too much plot. Also, I think YJ might be staying on Netflix! I got the thought in my head, sorta, when I saw that they'd added 85 shows and movies (!!!!), but I watched the episode and confirmed that there is no longer a little thing in the corner to say that they're taking it off Netflix on the 15th. Granted, it might just be because I've seen the warning a million times, but I'm optimistic. Short, not related note: I also finally snapped on the Lily Calloway issue on my discourse blog. I didn't get into detail, but there was emotion there. I'm mad. I love Lily and I'm mad.

Also read an entire book (!!!). It was Run by Kody Keplinger. Zoe mentioned it on twitter so I read it, basically. One of the main characters is legally blind, like Zoe (different condition but it was still interesting) and the other one was bisexual, so pretty good rep -- even if it was pretty white. Realistic, considering the setting, but still kinda :/. But it was good! I really enjoyed it. Though I didn't especially like the ending -- it didn't feel long enough and the conclusion felt kinda... flat. To me. But idk. Anyway I should go to bed -- with the final, just-remembered addition that my favourite Greek food place at the mall stopped selling beef souvlakis! I'm so mad. That was my order! Also I saw a great car outside the mall that was, like, an orange and purple layered colour or something, and had a bunch of superhero plushies and a pop figure on the dash. THAT'S MY FUTURE CAR, BASICALLY. Okay, I have to formally apologize for the length of this. I guess I am pretty tired.

bluegansey: close-up of ahsoka tano looking down and to the left (ahsoka tano gray)

 I did schoolwork. Barely half of an assignment -- actually, more like a fifth or so. And it required my mom sitting down with me to do it, because I literally couldn't make myself unless she was there, so that was... awful. I literally don't care anymore and just want to be super sarcastic and hope that I don't fail. At this point, failing wouldn't really bother me if it meant I didn't have to deal with it anymore. I feel like I should be worried about how little I care. I'm not. So there's that. Also I really want to drop out of high school, which even I know is an abysmally bad idea, so I'll just think about it and not bring it up because there would be Explosions if my dad heard.

My mom decided to clean the house today, which meant I had to hide in my room for most of the morning (I was up early enough to have a morning, as well! A miracle) because the sound of a vacuum cleaner stresses me out for some reason. I read more than half of Six of Crows, and damn it, I really wanted to finish something today. It's fine, I'll read three issues of Birds of Prey and put it on my timetable -- since I don't have convenient collections, I'm just doing small groups of whatever I read? There are probably more effective ways, but I don't want to throw off my book count by counting every single issue. For the same reason I only count fics if they're over 20k. Anyway, Six of Crows is good so far! I know the ships from tumblr, so I'm constantly irritated at how little Wylan and Jesper are interacting. Let them interact, please. Let me be able to actually ship them as more than a concept. (I'm sort of eh on the other ships -- Kaz/Inej is pretty good, Nina/Matthias has potential, I'm just not esp into them. Tbh.) Also, worldbuilding. This is how you do worldbuilding. It's up there with The Young Elites in Excellent Worldbuilding, and I enjoy it more than I enjoyed TYE.

Other than that... made a casserole, searched the word "fav" on my blog and spent an hour or so browsing, ordered Crooked Kingdom and Empire of Storms from Indigo (I completely forgot about EoS, weirdly, considering I see ToG discourse almost every day and Zoe is rereading the books and QoS came out at this time last year), read some articles on this blog, caught up on the Great SW rewatch (TCW 1.19-1.21, good episodes, Twi'leks tbh), and didn't really do much else?

bluegansey: peggy carter holding captain america's shield on a blue background (peggy carter blue)

 I'm so tired. Not physically -- I got lots of sleep last night and it's not even midnight. But my mind just feels like it wants to sleep for a year or so. Everything takes so much more effort than I have. Except I actually did things today, so maybe I'm just lying to myself.

I read two entire books, which felt like a literal miracle when it first happened. The first one was Fan Art by Sarah Tregay, which I haven't read before but bought yesterday because it looked interesting and gay. It was good! Fluffy, sweet, very gay. Though with some frankly alarming misconceptions about how fandom works. That wasn't a huge focus, but it really threw me. I mean, when you're doing a compound ship name, you don't put a slash in the middle of it. That's not how it works. And fanart is one word... anyway. The other one was Aristotle and Dante Discover The Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Sáenz. I've read it before, and it was a really fun reread. And also gay. I guess I just really wanted to consume gay YA lit today.

I had choir practice today, and I, uh... didn't go. I was a little late to leave, since I had to take transit, so I got to the library -- about five minutes away -- when it was supposed to start, and sort of broke down. I ended up going to the library, paying off my fines, taking out Watchmen (the comic) and the going to the mall for dinner after about an hour and a half at the library wandering around. Got a Greek wrap and an Orange Julius and now I'm nearly out of money again and I'm just so tired. I couldn't make myself get to choir. I just.... couldn't. Everything just feels so hard right now. And I feel awful.

Uh, also watched TCW 1.17/1.18. Not much to say. Reread a DC fic I read yesterday because it was really good, tried to read one in my saved for later and ended up deleting it because it was really, really bad. I felt bad, but probably not as bad as I should have because it was like... a slavery AU. And I was mostly reading it for pure "wow, that is truly something", I guess? And it was pretty shocking, I guess, but I couldn't even find it fascinating because of the painful grammar. Although I randomly got an original story idea about slavery, which I might write -- I got about 200 words down -- but wouldn't publish. IDK. I find slavery AUs somewhat fascinating, which might be the worst thing I've ever admitted to online. I should log off before I can rethink this admission.

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Nicola

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